Back in trauma mode..

[u/West_Ad1064]

My life seems to be an endless flucuation between contentment and mental breakdown mode.

Like clockwork, I know trauma mode will always come back, and here it is again.

I moved out of state to a place I'd never been for a temp job opportunity 2 years ago. I never liked the town or job but had a sense of general contentment. When the contract announced it was ending last October, reality set it. I never had a plan b. I have no close friends or family so there's no place to just run back to. Without other options, I signed on with the company even though I said I never would because I loathe the town & workplace environment. The toxicity of the place poisons my body & mind but the overtime opportunities make me a slave to it and I have no idea what else to do.

Without close friends or family, I've always found myself browsing Google maps endlessly thinking of where to go. It's all so overwhelming. Everything is so expensive and I'm an uneducated peasant so job options aren't good anywhere. Everyone everywhere seems so content and right in their place in this world, and Im this family-less drop out who is totally lost.

This endlessly reoccurring trauma mode really makes me wish I wasn't born. I wish I had a close friend or relative to run away to and just admit my total weakness and drop down on their floor with a sense of belonging until I can rebound. But there's noone anywhere. I'm just totally stuck and my mind is crushed & exhausted.

It makes me all the more empathetic to the downtrodden of this world, and all the more intolerant of wicked people. Unfortunately my workplace has so many of them, alot of whom are in power positions. I really just want to run from it all but I know it's a big chaotic overpriced world out there and there is no welcome committee waiting for me.

I'm at a point where I hope Armageddon or WWII starts, or another major pandemic. At least then everyone else will have their content lives disturbed and I'll feel less alone in it.

[u/Tight_Chocolate_4930]

Yep it be like that.

[u/Plus-Parfait-5671]

On my other account feel comfortable knowing the science unless to keep society safe they change it which is understandable. No one has what they have strictly because of hard work and dedication. Many who are less than go man im gonna fight for my money just to be sad depressed waiting to arrive and listening to alan watts finding meaning. You shouldn't need alan watts but many do.