The lights desiccate my eyes

As I glance down at the body I have stolen.

Such a vast quantity of thoughts, yet none can escape.

Oh, how a vacant mind can feel so crowded.

Reach for me. Reach through me.

They speak so loudly, yet cannot be heard.

The mirror speaks deception and knows only horror.

A ghost with an unfortunate tangibility.

An eternal mask, a persistent dysphoria

A racing heart with no known cause.

A soul without the glue

Ephemeral.

i realized a few days ago that my memories of the last 6months—1 year are just… gone. not full black out, but it’s as if i have Just enough information to keep me from digging deeper. just enough info to uphold the mirage of normality. but then i did dig deeper. and that’s when i realized how much time i’m missing. i thought it was an alter that had gone dormant and took the memories with him— no, turns out he isn’t dormant. SOMETHING is up with him for sure, but it’s not dormancy. either way, i feel like ive completely lost my sense of self. my entire identity. i don’t know who i am. i know i’m the host, but it feels like so much is missing, and so suddenly too. maybe a host change is impending? maybe the others are going through things? i have no fucking clue! all i know is this: i’m scared. not like, in crisis mode or anything. but still scared. nothing in my life feels like it fits. and really, i actually don’t remember a lot of my entire life! not sure when that started! anyways, i stopped therapy a while ago, but i’m gonna call around and see if i can find a new one tomorrow… lol

Hello everyone!

So, I know that this is somewhat complicated, as, in my opinion, a good therapist is that professional that will try their best to help, understand and believe you, and will do a good job, even if it's limited. And we know that even if the therapist knows about DID, doesn't mean that they will be nice, right?

My question is more about how do y'all feel about a therapist that also have DID.

Like, if you were looking for therapy and discovers one who has DID (my point is focused in the person having it, not necessarily having a special training to deal with it), would you be interested? or would you be uneasy by it?

To give you more context, I'll graduate soon from a specialization in Art Therapy, and my monography/final work/research is about Art Therapy in the DID treatment (basically a small article saying the we need more research on this topic).

I was talking with my therapist about my future career, and I was wondering whether or not disclose diagnosis and characteristics in self-promotion out there. Like, my plan is to focus in niches such as the LGBT+, autism/neurodivergents and dissociative disorders - because I * am * LGBT+, have autism and DID.

From all these years that I have been in foruns, I saw a lot of people complaining about the underwelming undertanding that their therapists had - one classic example is a black person looking for a black therapist because they can, at some level, understand them better with the racial topic and violence.

So, I was wondering... disclosing that I also have DID would be something positive? or negative?

Because I was thinking... we, pwDID, have a lot of problems when seeking therapy, right? We usually go to therapy full of distrust, fearfull to open up, not knowing if they will believe us, or if they will treat us well, and so on.

In knowing that they have DID, we could skipp all this period of deciding whether or not disclose our diagnosis/suspicions, and jump directly to the subject.

What do y'all think?

To be perfectly honest, I’m still not sure I believe it myself. For context, I started with a new therapist a few months ago because I dissociate — I was fairly certain I just had some sort of dissociative amnesia, and I did not think I had DID at all. But it presents some difficulties for me, particularly in my relationship because I can’t be present for difficult but necessary conversations and I really struggle with any sort of physical touch, let alone intimacy. My mental health has improved generally over the years and I felt like I was in a good enough place to tackle these issues that I’ve put off addressing because they weren’t as pressing to solve.

Anyways, my therapist told me last session that she was very confident I do have DID and that it really makes sense why I struggled to do EMDR and to actually complete my homework check ins. She said last session when she was talking to me about a work trip I was going to go on, I dissociated and then presented with a different tone of voice. When asked for my name, I initially gave my legal name but then later gave a different name. Upon talking to this other… part… of me, I apparently gave answers that just seem absolutely wild to me. She told me all about this today and she seems excited to help me get to the bottom of things, but I just feel anxious. I have a vague memory of our conversation last week without remembering what I said specifically, let alone knowing why I would give a different name or say the things that she said I did. My brain is currently reluctant to believe that I didn’t just… I don’t know, have a complete lapse of sanity and say things that weren’t true, just because?? I don’t know.

Anyways, I tell my wife everything. I trust her deeply, but I don’t know how to begin to tell her this or if I even should. My therapist said that it was up to me if and when, but I don’t know if or when!! I don’t want to freak her out. She prides herself on being able to read me well and she never noticed, so I don’t want her to blame herself for not having noticed. Or to be constantly psychoanalyzing me to try and tell if I’m the me she knows or not.

Sorry if I’ve lost the thread of this, I’m just a bit freaked out and I haven’t told anyone. I should definitely start with my wife, right? I just don’t know how. I don’t even know if I believe it’s real yet.

Tw:dark self-talk. I know even in my system my feelings are controversial. So many other parts don't feel this way. I feel like I deserve to suffer. I deserve the pain, depression, and reliving horrific events every day. There are so many reasons. I survived. I transgressed against their rules. There are more reasons, but I don't have the energy to type everything out. It's okay when life causes more pain for me, I deserve it anyway.

Hey everyone,

My ex fiancé was diagnosed with DID about a month ago. He's currently scheduled to be omitted to a PTSD specialized trauma facility, which will happen in May. The treatment contains 8 days of intensive clinical therapy and also involves EMDR, which took me off guard a bit. I've been following this sub to learn more about DID and read a lot of horror stories here about EMDR destroying systems, rather than bringing them closer together.

I was wondering if this is applicable for everyone with DID? Or are there users here that, in fact, did reap some benefits of going through EMDR? Does it depend on the trauma and the (amount of) alters you have? For context, my ex fiancé went through (child) war trauma, and is believed to only have 2 alters (that we are aware of) that only switches once every 1-2 years (depending on triggers).

I feel/fear the treatment he'll be getting is a 'one size fits all approach', because there are also group sessions, rather than a treatment that'll be adjusted to his needs specifically, but maybe I'm just paranoid.

Love to hear of your EMDR experiences.

Literally the way a child part of me just wants to curl up in someone's arms and be held and loved literally makes my chest hurt.

We're so fucking lonely. Having "people in your head" doesn't automatically mean built in company. We've been struggling for a while now and being ghosted by our therapist doesn't help things. Just really overwhelmed

It’s so fascinating to me to see the patterns in my heart rate and how it’s affected by dissociation and switches. Therapy sessions are so wildly all over the place, and I can identify when I’ve been more triggered (whether I remember it or not) because I’ll have sudden steep dips in my heart rate.

I struggle with face to face therapy. I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing and I don't know the right things to say in order to get the solution I so desperately desire. I'm autistic and talking in general is not something I am good nor is it something I enjoy. Though I have been seeing a trauma informed specialist we don't really seem to progress at all. I just wait for her to ask me questions and give answers, I do get helpful feedback from time to time but not often enough that it feels worth it. I do plan on eventually doing EDMR however therapy in my country is expensive and I don't have the funds to go every week (which is something I've been told is crucial for EDMR).

Going back to how I'm autistic, I don't like words and I don't like speaking. I've always said that English is like a second language to me and my mind speaks in my own individual language, words are hard because I need to translate them first and sometimes I just can't find the right translation. That's why art is special and I find I can express myself and my emotions so much more clearly in art. It's an unrestricted medium and that speaks to me.

I don't know much about art therapy but can you do DID treatment through art therapy? Has anyone who has DID done art therapy before? Did it work out well for you?

Is there anyone else with DID + Maladaptive Daydreaming + DPDR who experiences extreme grief and dissociation upon waking up from vivid dreams that feel more real and right than life? I feel like my dreams and headspace are home and waking up to this reality feels like being ripped from the world I belong I I'm looking for others who experience this too it feels disabling and so lonely and there doesn't seem to be community spaces for those dealing with this exact thing from what I can find if anyone experiences this and knows of a place where people like us can go for this specific existential dysphoria please let me know

Found I have DID, our small keeps telling people who she is, out of want for friends and caregiver, and is ruining our covertness. Idk what should be our correct course of action. -C

as title says i am not my host. but i am too scared to tell her that i am not the host. so i should just pretend to be the host right? that is best? i dont know. i am scared of what she will say and what she will do if she knows i am not him

So like, the me that is here now doesn't feel much different to the me there before. We have somewhat similar thoughts but we know we are different.

E.g. there was a me around tomorrow morning that was in crisis and spiraling and then we had a work meeting and the next moment the emotions/reasons for crisis disappeared and felt distant and we were able to function completely normally for the next couple of hours in our meetings.

And we are definitely switching multiple times a day if not more. But the thoughts of the me don't feel too dissimilar to the thoughts of others.

I do think we are likely co-fronting a majority of the time, but wouldn't I know if I was masking as the host and pretending to be them? Like that feels like a conscious action to take.

Hello. Just newly diagnosed about a month ago after what has felt like 18 months of MH crisis.

Really struggling with diagnosis and whether people believe in it/ whether my care team actually believe in it. Also reminding myself we did the scid-d and the person who did it is a specialist. I didnt fool them.

But honestly I've spent last 4 weeks in absolute crisis. Ive just started therapy too after waiting this whole time and thats destabilising me too.

I feel like I dont want to think about it, but its so overwhelming... and I feel so upset and worried. Like I'm off work and dont even know when I will be okay to go back.

Does it get better?? My therapist said we gonna explore my 'modes' and help with that but honestly I think focusing on that is destabilising me too.

I feel like since diagnosis, my very hopeless parts feel so distressed, I dont know what I am supposed to do?

I also have DID. My friend discovered his through me about 1 year to 6 months ago. He's new and still figuring it out.

The last two conversations we've had were started by alters of his who clearly do not like me or have a lot of problems with me. I don't really want to go into details but they were insulting. This most recent time he just said he wanted nothing to do with me. Things are rocky between us and ive got problems with him too , as well as absolutely no energy to spare for drama, as I'm currently recovering from some harrowing and potentially deadly medical issues and am disabled.

He's said his alters will text me things or say things the system as a whole doesn't want, and that's what's happening. I kind of get that (I often have to hold my alters back by the scruff of their necks so to speak) but also, he is the only one with the power to change this and my patience for being texted rude, relationship breaking things has been fully used up. I also just don't have the energy to even give a shit at this point.

On the other hand: maybe I was like this when I was new, too. I don't remember it happening but, lol, that means nothing. I also have had people leave me for DID symptoms before and it is pretty crushing, I don't actually want to do that to anyone else.

ETA: I also have already tried to set boundaries with him. I told him after the first time that it was his responsibility to figure out how to not do that, and that it's not acceptable. Nevertheless, 3 weeks later after not talking at all he does the same thing but worse. I'm not sure if it would be cruel to cut ties now or if I should give him more chances. We've also known each other a long time irl and I already know he is not good with my boundaries. Sometimes he'll get them eventually, sometimes not.

Can anyone help me objectively assess the situation ?

I'm mentally torn. I feel anxious as fuck. I feel "bad". Like, it's mental, but it makes it feel physically bad as well. I don't know how else to explain the feeling. I was logging everyone in the notes, their names/terms and their "traits". Just anything about them. Now, i wrote me there as well, i herad about the term "fronting" here, so o decided I'd tag myself as front man. Because they don't really like to front. They'd rather not, but they do when they decide they "need" to. So i was essentially the default front-er or whatever the actual term is. But you know, I'm me. Like, the "actual" me. Everyone else? Their alters. Atleast that's what i thought. Turns out, I'm not "me". I'm me, but I'm not "me". I'm an alter????? Like, it always felt like i was always me, "i" existed first, and then the alters existed. And that is how it is, but I'm not "i". Edit: we think it's likely that there is no real me. I feel nauseous

(TL;DR, Our protector Ghost has locked down the system to the point that I rarely can hear any of the other alters anymore, as well as being stuck in the front for the most part, and it makes me feel such bad denial… If anyone has any advice for this it would be greatly appreciated 🥹)

So we were diagnosed with D.I.D officially a few months ago and discovered we had it about 1 year ago, and after the diagnosis things felt weird but we were starting to have more communication and starting to document triggers as well as more alters. But lately communication between me and the other alters have been pretty much non existent to the point where I’m having the worst denial I’ve ever had since discovering our D.I.D (made worse by the fact that we never have “blackouts” when we switch more like another alter takes over slowly and the memory of the event fades away over time.) And in our last therapy session Ghost (our main protector) admitted that they are keeping themselves and the others from fronting or talking as much because they are worried that it’ll hurt my academics and that maybe I’ll feel “normal” because if I don’t talk to other alters. I honestly don’t know if it can go on like this anymore, just two nights ago it got so bad that I had a panic attack and one of our persecutors took control and we cut ourselves… we have therapy again on Thursday and idk what we are going to say, I want to get through to Ghost and convince them that what they are doing is hurting us, i don’t even know why they are doing this all of a sudden, the silence is so loud sometimes and it’s effecting me so bad, I miss everyone so much… and it makes me feel like all of this wasn’t even real to begin with and I was just making it up the whole time, but who can tell anyways because my memory is so bad. I honestly just want to know why this is happening, we were doing so well with communication for a while, and we are close to talking to our therapist about our childhood… I love them so much, and I know they just want what’s best for me, but I don’t think what they are doing isn’t helping…

P.S. We had an account on here previously but deleted it because of anxiety, just In case anyone wondered lol

So tell us. Really. How was your day?

Emoji code of non verbal supports: (you’re welcome to send in addition to a regular comment, or as a stand alone comment!)

Hug “🫂“

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Lurking, but here for you. “🫧”

It’s been brought to my attention very recently that my little guy, Jacob, has decided that he would like to be called Lightning McQueen. Our protector is an asshole but he has enforced this new nickname with his whole chest out and it tickles me.

tell me about games that can easily be played as a system! as in, several alters can play together as different players (typically via turn-based gameplay). i am seeking things to do when spending time with my alters that are not just retail therapy, getting high, going on walks, or working on homework, and have decided tabletop or card games might be a good fit. feel free to talk about video games here too if you can think of any! -Gabriel

I posted recently about wanting to just start over & run things my way, and the consensus was “don’t do that”. But I’m losing my mind. I’ve been fronting for weeks now and can only talk to 2/~60 alters in the system, even when we’ve all had pretty good communication in the past. I keep doing (minor) things I know they wouldn’t like solely to try to get them to come out, to say something, to do something, and they won’t. I ain’t got any idea why but I’m so much different than everyone else in here, and people around are noticing, asking what’s changed, why I’m different. I’ve even been accidentally introducing myself as my own name instead of the body’s, which is becoming a big mess.

All I can think to do is just… keep going. Keep doing what I’m doing. I’m in therapy but it’s amazing how little they do if you don’t have pricey health insurance. I’m not even sure what I’m asking for here exactly, but if anyone’s got some advice or pointers for me, I’d really love to hear ‘em. Thanks ahead of time, everyone.

TL;DR: My friends who are systems hurt me but continued to push the blame on their disorder or eachother I cut them off but feel to blame

Hi! Long post ahead. Honestly I think I just need to vent So I (21 AFAB) have been told by my psychologist that I have a Dissociative Disorder (ngl I’m not entirely sure which one). Recently I have reconnected with an old friend whom I went no contact with because they (R), their partner(G) and my old roommate(S) (all self diagnosed DID) disrespected me and put my cats in danger.

A little background, I’ve been friends with R since my first year of high school. They were a great friend a little rough around the edges but overall supportive and funny. They met their current partner in my second year in high school (G’s first year R’s 3rd). I ended up going to a different school because I was in foster care and going through a lot so thought it was better to go to a smaller school. Anyway we still kept occasional contact until I got my own place when R & G started visiting.

On my 19th birthday they brought S along, My best friend (P) was there too. During this I had some sort of PTSD attack and was in a dissociative state. G started saying how I was “probably switching alters” which freaked me out more because they’d said that before but when I was greened out. Don’t get me wrong at first they were super supportive when suggesting I was a system and so they suggested I name the parts, that thought different so I did and it helped differentiate my emotions and stuff. A few days later S moved into my one bedroom apartment (was only supposed to be for about a month or two but it turned into a year).

Throughout the next year or so G continued to push/force the idea of me being a system and it scared me I was in a constant state of paranoia and dissociation when they were around. Throughout that year R was also blowing smoke into my cats faces and laughing, S was not cleaning up after them selves neither were G and R. Countless times I said I wasn’t completely comfortable with them smoking (weed) or vaping in my apartment Finally after a while they started smoking outside.

During the summer I visited my biological mother for the first time in years. I left S responsible for taking care of my cats cause I trusted them. I was gone for a week (BM lived about 6 hours away) I got home around 8pm and when I entered My apartment there were clothes EVERYWHERE mouldy food and containers all over my kitchen the stove was on, the cats bowl was empty and they chewed a hole through their food bag.

I cried, I was pissed I tried to wake up my roommate but they were out cold I took a video of the apartment and sent it to all of them R, G, S, even my best friend and their Boyfriend. The next day I talked to S and found out that they spent most of the week in the hospital for mental health and that G & R agreed to make sure the cats were okay.

I brought it up to them after I calmed down and R apologized but G refused to talk. I said “I’m not comfortable with you guys being at my place for the time being” & they continued to push it off saying “you don’t know what TF we (the system) is going through and we’ll talk when we’re ready” I agreed and waited for a month. After a while I couldn’t do it so I cut ties with both R & G.

Recently R & i reconnected on Xbox and started playing Minecraft (2 years after the no contact) it was so much fun other than being told I’m a system (I told them I didn’t know if I was or not and that I’ll talk to my therapist about it). G started talking to me too on voice call but never apologized although the no contact situation was brought up occasionally. I talked to R about it and how it made me feel they apologized and it was genuine but G still didn’t want to talk. Anyway after about a month since we reconnected R was making really messed up jokes (a lot of it was the type of abuse I grew up with). I told them I was uncomfortable and they stopped which was nice but it’s like some part of me was like “drop em” and another was like “this isn’t safe” but most of me was like “but they apologized” anyways after so much inner conflict and anger I talked with R and said “I took a bit and I’ve been thinking, what you, G and S did was really shitty. The three of your guises actions and inability to take accountability for different things that happened in my old apartment hurt me and put my cats in danger. I don’t want to subscribe to that type of behaviour. Although I love ya and had fun reconnecting I am really trying to heal I hope you guys do well! I really do wish you the best ❤️” ——was copy and pasted but changed names. Was I in the wrong I just feel so guilty about everything. If y’all have any questions I’ll gladly answer sorry I was emotional while writing this.

Switched. Need 2 be someone else in 2 hours in order to meet a client. Can't switch back to them. This person coming over only knows the other side of us - and took off half the day to spend here. Planned this a week ago when I was someone else. Now I am trapped with this person soon.

Hi, would it be feasible to look for a therapist who is trauma-informed but is not knowledgeable on DID, let alone dissociative disorders?

I'm not diagnosed with a specific dissociative disorder yet, though I am working towards being assessed.

Finding any (trauma-informed) therapists, let alone ones that are specialized is diffcult enough with how full wait lists are.

I have been the "host" for a while now, and honestly managing things is overwhelming. But being an adult requires a lot of life skills I am pretty sure most of the others don't have, especially seeing as how they act when they are fronting. I want to help mentor others to be more trusted by the system to front more frequently but I am not sure the best way. Context: I have only been aware of my systemhood actively and continuiously for maybe half a year now. I feel like a parent trying to manage a daycare sometimes for how little experiance many of my alters have with interpersonal relationships and managing adult tasks. I realized my alter count is somewhat high somthing like 50 and I don't entirely understand how to accomidate everyone. Thankfully most are dormant most of the time. But I would like some advice.