hey, go see a doctor! the feeling that someone may think you're lazy instead of diagnosing you with adhd is normal—ive got adhd and most of us have felt that way. from what you described, it sounds very likely that you've got it too. you deserve to get help sorting your brain out, it'll change your whole life.
I'm going to make it a point to see someone about this soon. Hopefully I can turn things around. There are some many things I feel like I've missed out on, but I always just thought I had a shit memory and I was lazy. .....not to mention the guilt for not living up to what I feel is my full potential.
I always just thought I had a shit memory and I was lazy. .....not to mention the guilt for not living up to what I feel is my full potential.
I call this, "High self confidence, low self esteem" and to me it is one of the biggest hallmarks of living with undiagnosed ADD/ADHD. The feeling of knowing you CAN do something but hating yourself because you also 'know' that you're 'too lazy' and 'irresponsible' to get it done.
Knowing now that my brain is physically and functionally different than that of someone without ADD has made the most enormous difference in my life.
Yeah that was me before I got diagnosed. I've never had any problems in life then suddenly I started going backwards in progress at work. It was a comfort when I got diagnosed. Mind you I still have issues with the "just do it, why can't I just get it done." at work, but I currently hate what I do and am not challenged at all. Which I discovered is my main motivation.
Also that test they give you made me feel like an idiot child. I had no idea what I was in for, or what is typically. The administrator ended up stopping early and diagnosed me before it was sent off for the "official" results.
I know it's dumb (since people can look it up), but I generally don't like telling people unless I know they aren't ADHD. If they are getting tested I want them to experience it with no preparation.
But I will briefly describe the one that broke me. They mainly are association type tests, or challenging your memory. Very basic stuff. There was 4 columns of words with about 20 in each column. I got about 1/3 through the second column when I was stopped. Each was a color printed in a different color. I had to say the color of the ink and not the actual color. So Red was printed in Blue I had to say Blue.
You know that scene in Liar Liar where he is trying to say the red pen is blue? Well that's what it felt like. Each word took so much mental effort that it hurt, I stuttered, and took several seconds to even speak. I thought my brain was melting. It was horrible.
Oh shit I've tried that color thing at some point and it's impossible. What's weird though is I'm pretty sure I have an above average short term memory and I've always done well on the types of tests that have you memorize a random group of words... but I do think it's still worth looking into testing, so thanks.
A little known fact is that there are 7 different types of attention deficit disorders. I have inattentive, my boyfriend has Hyperactive, and while we have some similarities, other things are completely different, so not everyone with have trouble with the same things.
I am really glad it reached you, please do get help as soon as you can. Once you identify the problem, you can start work on shedding the years of self hatred and recrimination.
So if I may ask, what do you find changed. Like, did you notice your personality changed? Did you lose any sharpness or creativity? I work in design and NEED my problem-solving and creativity, but I also do some photography work and am worried I'll lose my eye for something like that.
nah, stimulants do have some annoying side effects but losing creativity isn't one of them for me. it feels like putting on glasses for my brain when i take them. everything is clearer, crisper, makes more sense to me. without them i feel stunted, creatively—like any ideas in my head are going to get washed away in seconds by another more distracting but much less important thought. like i can "feel" an idea but can't conceptualize or articulate it whatsoever. like i WANT to create but can't focus on the most open ended low pressure creative tasks. i don't mean to take away from anyone who has suffered a loss of creativity when on meds, but i think it's not as much of a problem as it's made out to be.
i did a podcast interview about adhd once, talked a lot about my experience with meds and getting diagnosed. if you're interested in listening, PM me and i'll link you! (but if you have an attention span of about 1 minute and podcasts aren't your thing, i understand :)
For me, before people would say I was creative because my class notes would be full of doodles (and not really any notes) but that wasnt creativity that was just doodling bcs I needed to be doing something to be able to pay attention to lecture at all. Now, my notes have almost no doodles on them. But, they have figures or different fonts for different "headings" or different colors for key words i.e. the "creative energy" isnt just spilling out and being wasted. Im able to harness it to create something actually useful. Also, I can actually finish the "creative" projects that I start because I can focus on them long enough to complete them rather than just start and never finish. It feels different because I'm less likely to go into something that requires "creativity" blind, which is the only way I knew how to do it before. Now, I'm able to sit down, think of an idea, start, and actually make the idea a real thing (note: lots of shit still changes and a lot of the time the final product looks nothing like my initial idea but that's fine). But also my job isnt design so the "creative things" are not on a professional level. For me, medication doesn't change who I am, I am still me, I still feel like me, I still think like me. I can just relax enough to be able to think things through.
Edit: forgot to add: now people say I'm creative because of the actual things that I create, rather than the no effort doodles that were basically the equivilent of fidgeting.
What if I've smoked weed every day for the past 3 years due to depression? Am I being a lazy and have a shit memory? Or am I blaming it on the weed?
I mean I've always been lazy, but ever since college started and I've had to actually put in a lot of effort, I feel like I can't even get anything done. I know I need to get shit done, I know it's due soon, yet I just can't do it. I had a class that I had 3 weeks to study for my finals to get an A in order to pass the class with a C and I knew how important it was yet I couldn't sit down and study. The only time I did homework was if it was relatively easy. I was also depressed as fuck because I was so stressed from doing bad in school, when I knew fully well I could've put more effort.
Idk. I feel like I'm just a lazy fuck, but i don't want to get dismissed nor misdiagnosed.
Did you have any issues with being dismissed? That's my biggest worry. I feel like I've always kind of known my brain worked a little differently than most, and I've joked around about it, but I'm afraid a doctor is just going to say, "Just get some more sleep and exercise, that's all it is"
Man, this is me too. Last time it took me about 6 months to get a doctor then a recommendation to see a phyciatrist, then I moved for work and haven't finished the process of getting diagnosed... I've failed out of higher education twice and told myself I would never go back until I get the Concentration problems sorted out... :(
hey, you can do it!!! i promise. visit r/ADHD for some support—that sub has been really helpful for me. i know it's hard when you fall off the wagon of a task, so to speak, but don't let the guilt and anxiety keep you from moving forward. do what you gotta do to feel good :)
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u/kittennnnns May 30 '17
hey, go see a doctor! the feeling that someone may think you're lazy instead of diagnosing you with adhd is normal—ive got adhd and most of us have felt that way. from what you described, it sounds very likely that you've got it too. you deserve to get help sorting your brain out, it'll change your whole life.