In a stunning and completely unforeseeable turn of events, the President of the United States, who repeatedly campaigned on a promise to implement tariffs, has now implemented tariffs, sending shockwaves through Wall Street and leaving financial analysts dumbfounded.

“This is unprecedented,” gasped CNBC market strategist Les Foresight, eyes bloodshot from staring at a red-tinted stock ticker. “Who could have possibly predicted that a politician might do exactly what they said they were going to do? We priced in literally every possible scenario except this one.”

The tariffs, which were outlined in campaign speeches, policy briefings, and at least 47 different rally chants, took investors completely by surprise. Major financial institutions, staffed by some of the world’s most educated and well-compensated individuals, have responded with sheer panic.

“Markets hate uncertainty,” explained investment guru Sandra Holbrook, pausing to wipe sweat from her forehead. “But they really hate it when things happen exactly as they were explicitly promised to happen. We much prefer when politicians lie to us so we can hedge accordingly.”

Despite years of open threats regarding tariffs on imported goods, some experts insist there were no warning signs.

“The administration telegraphed this move for years, but like, in a boring way,” admitted Bloomberg columnist Derek Lyons. “If they had announced it via Elon Musk tweet, maybe we would have paid attention.”

Retail investors, meanwhile, have reacted with predictable confusion. “I dumped all my stocks because a headline told me to,” confirmed Robinhood user and recent high school graduate Kyle Henderson. “Then I bought them back five minutes later when another headline said the tariffs ‘might not be so bad.’ I’m up $3.42 today.”

As the dust settles, economists remain divided on whether this situation could have been foreseen. Some believe that if financial experts had simply listened to the President’s public statements, they might have prepared accordingly. Others maintain that the only true predictor of government action is reading the entrails of a sacrificial intern at Goldman Sachs.

At press time, markets were in turmoil again after learning that interest rates are, in fact, still a thing.

Trump Says the Market Will Boom Despite Selloff

Source: https://x.com/weakinstrument/status/1908251973356576895?t=qaWTOtBfWJTpHTP-FZ2S3A&s=19

You can choose to ignore what I say, but this is purely my opinion. The US markets are headed towards a death spiral. Historically, every time markets have gone down, they've eventually come back up. Why? Because the US is the world's number one economy, and nearly every global product and service is connected in some way to a US multinational that typically offers a superior experience.

But here's what's going to happen now: the rest of the world will simply stop trading and investing with the US and will instead begin forming Free Trade Agreements (FTAs) with each other. They'll reduce their reliance on US goods, both for domestic companies and ordinary citizens, which will lead to less dependency on the dollar. As a result, the dollar’s value will decline significantly.

US companies' profits will tank, employees will earn less, and people will pay higher prices for goods due to tariffs on imports and exports. With reduced disposable income, spending on discretionary items will drop sharply, causing businesses to suffer even more during a recession intensified by tariffs.

Put simply, you can bully a couple of people in class and still remain popular, but when you bully everyone, you're going to get smacked hard.

The only way to avoid this scenario is if Trump faces immense pressure either from powerful corporate entities or his own cabinet to remove all tariffs, and this could potentially happen within the next few weeks. If his current policy continues for years, it could mark the end of US global dominance for a very long time. There would be no bounce back scenario. Instead, you'd see S&P 500 returns resembling the FTSE’s performance, which has only yielded around a 5% total return over the past six years.

Heard & Mcdonald Island will impose a 10% tariff on all imports from the US starting April 10, according to the official Shitpost News Agency.