r/AmItheAsshole • u/Electrical_Rice_3658 • Apr 11 '24
AITA for giving my wife an online application to work at Arby’s and telling her she isn’t doing her share so she needs to go back to work and I don’t care where
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u/mread531 Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '24
NTA.
What is with this sub? OP had literally supported his wife in everything for 5 months completely burning themselves out in the process and has hit the end of their capacity to deal with this and everyone immediately jumps down their throat for not being “supportive enough”? How long is this supposed to go one? Another 6 months? Another year? Forever?
What happens when OP completely burns out as well and now no one is working or cleaning?
Sometimes life sucks but bills need to be paid and housework needs to get done. When does OP get to be supported instead of having to be the support?
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u/ModernZombies Apr 11 '24
Yeah agreed. It’s easy to be an armchair psychologist when you’re not in the situation. If her job was burning her out that badly their relationship stress didn’t start 5 months ago it started well before that. It’s not normal to need months to recover without even keeping up with some chores. She’s probably depressed and if she isn’t I’d really wonder what shes been doing for 5 months. Sitting and watching tv every day or going for walks is going to get boring fast. Is she hanging out with friends or something. Personally I’d be a bit worried if she not depressed. I think instead of slapping an Arby’s application down you should have her go to therapy, she may benefit from medication.
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u/MystifiedByPeople Certified Proctologist [22] Apr 11 '24
You'd be surprised how easy it is to waste time on AITA without getting bored.
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u/Prestigious_Pay9595 Apr 11 '24
With what extra money for therapy ? Unless it can be covered, I don't think op has the money for it.
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u/TheDisneyWitch Apr 11 '24
If they have health insurance, they may have coverage for it already. My psychiatric visits are free and my meds are about $15 a month, a cost my husband was more than willing to cover because I was in a bad state for a long time lol
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u/CthulhuAlmighty Apr 11 '24
I’m not disagreeing with you here, but OP’s wife has to make that effort to go see a doctor and then follow through with the hard work. No one else can do that for her.
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u/ADogsWorstFart Apr 11 '24
Therapy and meds cost money. Perhaps it's time that she puts her big girl pants on and steps up. Life doesn't care if you have mental illness, I know this personally.
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u/SusanOnReddit Apr 11 '24
People with clinical depression can’t just “put on their big girl pants.” That’s the definition of clinical depression.
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u/TwistedLibby Apr 11 '24
I am a single mother with chronic depression. You do what you have to. You turn into a robot if you have to but no one is going to help you. You have to make a choice. I’m not saying it’s easy but OP hasn’t hit any sort of rock bottom yet. If she doesn’t do something now she will spiral & bring her husband down with her.
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u/SaberTruth2 Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
And that’s the other thing about clinical depression… a stranger who’s not a doctor can’t diagnose it from reading a Reddit post. Every time someone is sad or lazy someone comes in hot to say it’s depression.
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u/Real_Might8203 Apr 11 '24
Then comes in even hotter to say that “no one should presume how severe their depression is, and just because you can manage yours they might not be able to manage theirs”
Even though they’re presuming that the person has completely debilitating depression, which is probably something like .1% of all depressive cases.
Anyone who jumps to this defense invariably wants a get out of jail free card for themselves so it trying to issue them to others in the hopes it spreads like wildfire.
- someone who suffers from depression.
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u/Clean_Jellyfish8021 Apr 11 '24
I put my big girls pants on every day with my depression and anxiety. I go to work (2 jobs) and handle my shit. She needs to seek help and get professionally diagnosed, or she needs to get off her ass and be a better partner. Burn out sucks for anyone! OP is on the verge of burnout himself, but he needs to continue to support her and be understanding? Naw, she needs to start doing what needs to be done.
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u/SusanOnReddit Apr 11 '24
Burnout and stress is not clinical depression. I too have depression and worked most of life and was caregiver to my parents and disabled brother. But I hit two months long periods when I could do nothing. Couldn’t even get out of bed. It was as if concrete had been poured into my body. I couldn’t barely think. It happens.
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u/niki2184 Apr 11 '24
It does happen but life doesn’t stop so people can just sit around in a pity party you have to get help or do something it’s not fair for op to keep on doing everything he’s burning tf out too. What’s she gonna do if he has a heart attack and can’t work? What’s your excuse for her then? That he’s still not supportive enough???
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u/SusanOnReddit Apr 11 '24
If she broke her legs, she’d get them mended. That’s the sensible thing to do and brings resolution to the problem most efficiently. So why would you suggest this woman not be assessed for underlying causes if a change in energy and behaviour after 20 years of being fine? Did she suddenly get selfish? Suddenly become lazy? That doesn’t happen.
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u/Independent-Pop3681 Apr 11 '24
If you break your legs YOU put in the effort to to fix it, she isn’t putting in effort to go assess herself so yes she is lazy and selfish, she’s the problem
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u/Nicheven1 Apr 11 '24
As someone whose parent had clinical depression, I can assure you that they could not have put in the effort to fix it, as most days they could not physically get out of bed, get dressed and had no idea what was even happening to them. We as the family had to get them the medical intervention needed because they didn’t even know they needed it. It’s hard and sad to watch, but that level of support sometimes is what it takes to help someone heal their brain.
Because of this I’ve told my husband in detail the signs to look for and to get me to a dr even if I don’t want to go, because odds are I won’t even comprehend the situation.
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u/StarlightBrightz Apr 11 '24
As someone with bipolar depression, life doesn't care if you have mental illness. If you don't have support for that then yes, you have to still go to work and pay bills and function (put on your big girl pants). You make yourself do it or you don't eat. It sucks but that's what being an adult is, depression, debt, anxiety, and just enough joy sprinkled on top to keep you from ending things.
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u/TheDisneyWitch Apr 11 '24
Not everyone has mild enough mental illnesses to where they can function like that. Just because you can, doesn't mean everyone with your illness can do the same. As someone who also has mental illnesses (depression, PTSD) and ADHD, things stall sometimes, and just because life doesn't care that I'm struggling doesn't mean that my hurdle is any lesser or easier for me to get over.
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u/Low_Party_3163 Apr 11 '24
Too bad, that doesn't give her the right to overburden her partner while she does nothing. Its difficult; I know, but Depression is not an excuse to abuse your partner
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u/Meghanshadow Pooperintendant [53] Apr 11 '24
Yep. I’ve lived with depression for decades, often unable to afford treatment.
If she’s awake and out of bed six hours a day and showers a few times a week she’s in good enough shape to either do some chores each day or work somewhere low paid and low stress part time doing Something to earn money to pay for household help and/or therapy and meds..
And in good enough shape to be seeking low cost or free resources to get help/help herself/get her husband help. Heck, just watching a video or two of Auriikaterina on youtube can get barely-functional me to do the dishes and pick up some trash.
Depression or burnout is a reason to be a less capable partner. Not an excuse to be totally incapable all the time forever.
If she was bedbound, not eating, and not cleaning herself, thatwould be a different conversation.
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Apr 11 '24
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u/NRVOUSNSFW Apr 11 '24
This is an actually helpful answer I keep in mind when I'm having trouble with activities of daily living.
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u/Djinn_42 Apr 11 '24
Then she needs to be diagnosed and apply for disability if her depression won't allow her to work.
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u/NUredditNU Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '24
Well she’s an adult with kids and those responsibilities don’t go away because she suffers from depression.
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u/InnerScience4192 Apr 11 '24
Not true at all. I've got clinical and persistent depression disorder, and you absolutely have to "put on your big insert gender pants on" some days and push through that shit. It's called being responsible. Depression isn't a get out of doing stuff free card.
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u/omeomi24 Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] Apr 11 '24
Women in a marriage can't just abdicate responsibilities either. I see so many excuses here. There are meds for depression - I know, as I've had clinical depression for many years. Even so, as a single mother I had to step up so I did whatever necessary to fix the problem and get on with it. Five moths is a long time to take a 'time out'.
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u/illeatyourkneecaps Apr 11 '24
i have clinical depression. i was diagnosed at 14 and im 22 now. i still have to force myself out of bed to go to work so i can afford to live and feed my cat. my boyfriend supports me when i need, but i also don't make everything his problem, because MY MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT ANYBODY ELSES PROBLEM. the wife here needs to step the fuck up and act her big age. so do you clearly
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u/SusanOnReddit Apr 11 '24
I’m 68. I did the same as you for most of my life. But here’s a warning - life can strip away that bit of energy it takes to keep pushing forward. You get sick or a loved one does, or you lose a loved one - and all of a sudden you go from coping to not coping. It’s a horrible place to find yourself.
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Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
I have depression take meds do all of my chores daily and work a low stress job and am still crashing. Granted I’m not married, so I don’t have a choice but I still wouldn’t say “just because I do this then that means he/she should be able to do that” not every one is the same (and you also sometimes have help from someone, what about those who don’t? It’s just grow the fuck put your pants on or die? I mean yea it probably is lol) either way, you can do all of those things and still fail and failing while already depressed and giving as much effort as you can ain’t fun. Bc all you got left to say is, “ i guess I have to find more effort and if I can’t then I let it take me. The world can think I’m lazy what does it matter any way” it doesn’t help if every one who’s “made it” through their own depression is lacking empathy for those who can’t.
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Apr 11 '24
Then frankly she needs to apply for disability if she is completely unable to work. This comes from someone with clinical depression -- her husband should not have to burn himself out and sacrifice endlessly for her mental health. She needs to be accountable for how she handles it.
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u/michikokopuffs Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '24
As someone with clinical depression who has obligations and responsibilities, I am able to put on my big girl pants. Sometimes you just have to step up or at least get help so that you can step up. It sounds like this person is not making any effort and there is no diagnosis.
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u/KickLiving Apr 11 '24
Stop with this. There has been no diagnosis of “clinical depression”. Most people don’t even know what that really means. Her “breakdown” may have just been her throwing a fit, crying and quitting, then sitting on her ass for almost half a year. Why does her burnout supersede his? His health matters too. She’s had a long time to deal with this. Just because work wore her out doesn’t mean she couldn’t have kept up the house while she was home all day.
If the situation was reversed everyone would be calling him a lazy-ass deadbeat and telling her to dump him. So typical of this sub.
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u/DependentString1072 Apr 11 '24
My wife has clinical depression, PTSD, and ADHD. She doesn’t let that stop her. She maintains at least a PT job to be able to afford her medicine. If she loses that job because of her having episodes and calling out for her health- she finds another. That’s really all he’s asking for is some help.
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u/SusanOnReddit Apr 11 '24
I understand that. I also understand that people get severe depression or other physical or mental illnesses that that make doing your part extremely hard or impossible.
If so, treatment is the answer for both parties, not yelling at someone.
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u/CthulhuAlmighty Apr 11 '24
But the wife has to be the one to go to the doctor, and then put in the work to get better. It’s hard, really fucking hard, I know from experience. I know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and not know if you’ll be alive when the sun sets. But there really is no other choice, it comes down to give up or fight.
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u/TolerableISuppose Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
Most people on this sub seem to be 20 year olds with no real concept of what it takes to be an adult in a working partnership 😳
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u/sasshole1121 Apr 11 '24
I was in OP’s wife position. I had a crazy stressful job, working 70+hours a week, crying at work from being overwhelmed, hiding under my desk through anxiety attacks, and when I finally had enough, I quit without notice. The difference between OP’s wife and I is that I took about 4 weeks to decompress. I kept up with my house and groceries, but I didn’t even contemplate looking for a new job until I gave myself a little time. I started applying at day 32 of not working, and was back to work full time at day 36. Why? Because bills have to be paid. Good luck OP, NTA
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u/phantomsabbath Apr 11 '24
it’s ridiculous that OP is receiving criticism given the lengths they’ve gone to accomodate their wife. taking up additional hours to cover finances, taking up additional chores, etc. if i came home from a 10hr shift to a filthy kitchen and the kids weren’t fed because we’ve run out of groceries, meanwhile wife is home all day with no visual evidence of tasks being done, i’d be FURIOUS.
OP needs wife to step up and contribute to the family, both for himself and their children.
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u/labellavita1985 Apr 11 '24
Totally. It's supposed to be a partnership, which it absolutely isn't at the moment because of OP's wife's behavior.
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u/omeomi24 Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] Apr 11 '24
I agree - but if the wife is on Reddit in 6 more months crying that her husband left her because she wouldn't go back to work....everyone will be holding her hand.
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u/Partymonster86 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Apr 11 '24
The sub is a a joke at times, you can guarantee if it was the other way around they'd be telling the wife to get a divorce because he's trash and he's in the wrong, but because it's the other way round....
Op is NTA, it's hard being the sole breadwinner and looking after the house while someone doesn't contribute. I've been on my own with terrible mental health and still had to look after myself, even after coming out of hospital after a suicide attempt I had to keep going, I'd never put such a burden on my partner!
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u/omeomi24 Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] Apr 11 '24
That's they key - when you don't have a choice, you keep going. This wife threw herself a pity party after losing it at work. That's fine as the stress got to her. Party's over - time to get on with life and with responsibilities.
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u/Fluffy_North8934 Apr 11 '24
I’ve noticed that when I come on here during the morning I see some wild replies and think did we read the same story and then at night I come on and it’ll be very similar stories with the opposite response to it
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Apr 11 '24
Because genders.
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Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
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u/Wormhole-X-Treme Apr 11 '24
Was a post a few days ago of a husband working 12 hours night shifts and he thought his wife was too harsh in a punishment for their 13 and 8 years old (also has a newborn) kids that didn't allow her 10 minutes to take a shower and everyone was trashing him cuz he needs to do more. Yeah, he was wrong on the subject but every freaking comment was that he needs to do more. 12 hours of work, about 2 hours of traveling to and from the job, must sleep 8 hours to keep his job to not lose it and hi needs to do even more.
OP here is working 10 hours, comes home to do both his and her chores, his kids have some chores too and he still is egged on for being a meanie to his wife that didn't even get groceries, let alone cook. I was in his wife's position a few years ago and my girlfriend didn't had to lift a finger when she got home. And I don't like doing certain chores but she didn't need extra stress.
Hope OP and his wife find a way to get through this situation without divorce but I'm not going to be an ass to him for being at the rope's after 6 months of doing the heavy lifting in the household. Even more so considering that he asked her multiple times to get a less stressful job in the past.
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u/dystopianpirate Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '24
I remember that one, he works with terminally ill children, majority cancer patients. Seems folks always forget that chores can't and won't always be 50/50 because everything depends on working schedule and how many hours the person is working. Same for household bills and expenses, all these things should be proportional, I believe the inflexible concept of the 50/50 crow hurts lots of relationships
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u/Wormhole-X-Treme Apr 11 '24
This is the post I'm talking about. Wouldn't mind reading the one you were talking about. Thank you!
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u/mread531 Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '24
The entire sub would be screaming for divorce….
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u/toasterbathimtrash Apr 11 '24
sad how some threads the gender bias gets called out and people get downvoted for it, but it's so prevalent in this sub
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u/Fast_Stick_1593 Apr 11 '24
When you think of “asshole”
Do you think of male or female? I’d say majority here even if they don’t want to admit it immediately associate “asshole” with “man”
People have biases
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u/Beginning_Leading994 Apr 11 '24
Thats cause bitch used to be the women equivalent of asshole. Now, that's gendered language and considered close to a slur by many subs.
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u/_hootyowlscissors Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 11 '24
People have biases
People on THIS SUB have more biases than most, and they all seem to center around men being wrong by default.
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u/ironwolf56 Certified Proctologist [20] Apr 11 '24
Except for the Mother in Law caveat. The MiL is always the AH according to this sub lol
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u/NapsAndShinyThings Apr 11 '24
I mean, this is the top comment, the overwhelming majority of judgements are NTA, and the wife is definitely getting dragged by most commenters, so...🤷♀️
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u/thefinalhex Apr 11 '24
No no, you don't understand. She might have mental health issues, which always takes precedence over other responsibilities. Her husband can keep picking up the slack until she is well. That's what he signed up for, otherwise he's just a shitty husband and partner.
I can't even bring myself to add /s.
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Apr 11 '24
Exactly. If the wife was working and the husband was home not doing shit everyone would say dump his ass.
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u/IndicaRain Apr 11 '24
I mean… as a girl (in my 30s tho, so that may be why)… he’s NTA. She is being selfish. Maybe he can explain to her that he’s about to have the same breakdown she had, and it’s her turn to step up.
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u/Recent_Data_305 Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '24
That’s why I don’t understand the issue. I’ve struggled with depression. I have wanted to quit, but I don’t because I need to eat and have shelter. I don’t want to dump everything on my spouse either. OP’s wife is damaging their relationship. What happens if he just calls it quits? Do something - do anything - is a fair ask. Do more chores, take an easier job, or go to therapy. Just don’t check out on life. NTA
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u/_hootyowlscissors Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 11 '24
When does OP get to be supported instead of having to be the support?
When he's a woman. Because you better believe, if a woman was talking about her husband, being unemployed and shirking his duties at home, while she busted her ass at work AND at home?
The "get a divorce!" crowd would be out in full force.
But it's a woman so we have to give her every allowance and presumption of innocence imaginable...before berating the man for not supporting his wife as she continues to take advantage of him.
I say this as a woman, but this sub is on some shit when it comes to the double standard.
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u/Fluffy_Vacation1332 Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '24
It’s hatred of men because most of this sub I believe it is something like 65% or women in their 20s.. and they make it painfully obvious they don’t give a fuck about any man who comes here for advice.. that’s just a fact.
Go ahead, some of these people that have deranged opinions like this go through their comments. Previously, I guarantee you, you will not find a single comment from any other post where they are supporting men. .. they will twist it into something where they can blame them because that is their pathology.. they are engineered to put blame on others.. this is why if you want advice from a woman make sure it’s a woman and a happy marriage that is over the age of 25, more than likely you’re not going to get good advice from anybody younger than that
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u/Ill-Description3096 Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '24
It's funny to me that OP needs to be supportive even more than he has, but apparently his wife doesn't. She isn't being supportive at all, let alone taking the majority of the burden for months like OP.
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u/FourEaredFox Partassipant [4] Apr 11 '24
This sub treats women like children. If it were reversed they'd be blithering on about divorce and how men don't pull their weight.
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u/JMellor737 Apr 11 '24
Amen. People really like the notion that if things are hard enough for them, they allowed to just give up and make someone else do the work. It's selfish.
They say she's excused because her mental health is bad...but she is actively harming her husband's mental health.
I have lots of mental health issues. The people who love me are supportive, but I know my struggles make their lives harder. I refuse to accept that. We all have to try to ease the burdens on the people we love. I fail at that all the time, but I at least try. It sounds like this woman isn't even trying. Just try. Show the people that love you that you at least care that they are hurting too.
I really appreciate what you said and hope you continue to have the courage to say it, because the mental health revolution has overshot its target. We've gone from "candid discussions and easy access to resources and support are critical" to "anyone with mental illness is excused from existence." It's not compassion. It's just spreading the harm from the depressed person to the people who love them.
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u/glodde Apr 11 '24
Very supportive but she doesn't give two craps and doesn't help at all.she doesn't even do the basics.... Cleaning the kitchen. 1 hour. Food shopping maybe an hour. Make dinner. None of it is hard. I'd like to sit at home and do some chores . Lol
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u/ErlAskwyer Apr 11 '24
This is 'Man 101', it's why so many guys kill themselves, it's just expected. Even when it's really hard for them they are told they 'just need to get on with it', 'you need to support me'. I see no 50/50 here. NTA. I would start being an asshole till she leaves or gets the point. I'm sick of reading these stories again and again. Lazy woman.
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u/OkSundae3514 Apr 11 '24
Somebody should make an identical post only switching the genders and see how different the responses are
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u/Left-Ad-3767 Apr 11 '24
I would absolutely tune into that shitshow! 100% they would tell the wife to get a lawyer and divorce his lazy ass!
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u/At0mic1impact Asshole Enthusiast [7] Apr 11 '24
NTA
These other comments are wild.
You warned her about the stress and to seek another job as you were making more than her anyway. She doesn't listen and quits. You SUPPORT her for HALF A YEAR. Now you are at YOUR breaking point because she has done little to nothing in this time frame, which means you have been picking up her Slack while working. You both compared what you do, and she understood that she was slacking and doing nothing. That didn't work either. Now you've reached your breaking point and tell her to get a job because she obviously isn't helping you any.
I love how you all are ignoring that OP has been supporting her for HALF A YEAR while she does NOTHING. Then you call him an ass cause he reached his breaking point? If she had such issues and needed help, how about she communicate this to someone. You all are absolutely right, marriage is a partnership where you support each other. Well, where is HER SUPPORT FOR OP? Why are you ignoring OP's well-being? His breaking point is telling her to do at least something to help out, even if it's a job at Arby's. Obviously, she's not doing anything at home, so job it is.
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u/canidieyet_ Apr 11 '24
now if it was the wife supporting OP because he didn’t work for 5 months after a breakdown… this sub would be up in arms.
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u/envious1998 Apr 11 '24
Absolutely. The sexism on here is astounding and the mods continue to do nothing.
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u/Terrible_Children Apr 11 '24
While I may partly agree with you about the sexism on this particular topic, we don't need mods acting like arbiters of which opinions are good and which opinions are bad. The community can decide that with upvotes/downvotes.
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u/randomfella69 Apr 11 '24
100% if the sexes were reversed every comment in the sub would be about how he's a bum and she should leave his ass with 2k upvotes.
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u/Punishtube Apr 11 '24
Apparently mental health only matters for women on here
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u/TheAnnMain Apr 11 '24
Thank you!! I’m like WTF?? I have depression too and some days it sucks but honestly I can’t do what OP’s wife has done. As well some of these comments trying to add more onto the kids is crazy! Those kids shouldn’t be dealing with adult matters tbh like let them still be kids instead of increasing their work load cuz of their mom isn’t pulling her weight. These comments just adds onto the emotional stunts that men are forced to deal with. Men need to have their mental health day too and take breaks like this scenario. I always remind my husband to do his so he won’t get ill or feel guilty for not doing much as a partner.
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Apr 11 '24
Yep. Sometimes its legit mental health issues (and everyone on Reddit is a psychologist) and sometimes its laziness, taking advantage of someone, or just main character attitude.
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u/Fit_Measurement_1871 Apr 11 '24
Well said! I agree NTA!
I had to leave a high stress job like that, go on prozac, the whole thing. After two months I was able to get an under the table job packing and shipping cosmetics in order to help. By six months I was weening off the prozac and had a low stress but at least paying job. If she HAD to, she would sort herself out!
Nice prod actually. You're telling her that you're okay with her even getting a min wage job, not a huge ask imho.
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u/LostMyThread Apr 11 '24
NTA, you guys both need some help. She may have some medical stuff going on that neither of you knows about (two teenagers would put her around the age of menopause/perimenopause, both of which can be intensely exhausting and mentally chaotic). You have been super supportive until now, but you are also at the end of your resources. So, here are some practical steps for you both to take:
She needs to see her primary care doctor and an ob/gyn who knows about modern treatments for midlife women. There didn't used to be a lot of help for this, but we know more now and can do better. You may both be pleasantly surprised.
I don't know if you are a support group kind of person, but you need to make some time for yourself, no matter how impossible that seems. Support groups are basically just making an appointment to be with people in the same boat as you.
Your kids are old enough to step up more. I (f55+) was a latchkey kid who did all the kitchen cleaning, most of the cooking, straightened, vacuumed, and dusted, while holding down an afternoon babysitting job (where I could do my homework while the kids napped. It was a given that I would get myself ready for and to and from school plus keep my room clean and do my own laundry). At a minimum, they should be doing dishes and garbage and some of the cooking/prep.
Know that this is not forever, and try to be as gentle as possible with each other. Each of you should be asking yourselves and each other the following question: What sounds like fun to you? Seriously think about it. If you could do anything for a day, what would you do? Can you make that happen? Once?
Good luck, OP. You're far from alone.
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u/whothis2013 Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '24
NTA you tried having several discussions with her and it went nowhere. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm, especially when children are involved. She needs to find a way to pull her weight, that may mean going to therapy or getting on antidepressants, but you can’t continue on with how things are.
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u/Flashy_Anything_8596 Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '24
Info: before she quit her job- how were finances split. What was your wife’s schedule like?
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Apr 11 '24
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u/thepigfish2 Apr 11 '24
My husband and I both work but no kids. He used to do all the house work on the financial side (he works in finance, so it made sense) and things like we need a plumber and researched and took bids on his own. After 18 years together, he couldn't take the burden of responsibility anymore. We both are in individual and couples therapy, but I never understood what he meant by the burden of responsibility before and am now doing my part in our partnership. What also made sense is that he is responsible at work all day every day and has to be the one to make all the decisions when he gets home. Even things like what to make for dinner were the small fights that was the larger issue.
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u/Hargara Apr 11 '24
I'm happy I'm not the only one feeling like that. My wife and I built our house a couple of years ago while both working full time. Since I'm native to this country I ended up having to sort out all communication with contractors, contract work, the financial planning etc. Often I would also have to search for items for the house that she wanted but found pictures of online from foreign sites where it wouldn't be possible to buy from.
I ended up having a breakdown one afternoon after a busy day at work and some bad news from a contractor.
Even though I got through it, I'm still haunted a bit by it now when I have the full responsibility for all our finances and future planning. Dinner decisions are often harder than they should be!
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u/randomly-what Partassipant [3] Apr 11 '24
She sounds like she might be suffering from burnout or depression. Has she gone to a doctor about this?
This needs to be done before ultimatums are issued.
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u/Tired-Potatoes Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '24
But that doesn’t give her the right to then burn out her husband. His expectation that she does more of the chores is completely reasonable
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u/MazzIsNoMore Apr 11 '24
Too many people here think that "mental health issues" is good reason to put all the work on your partner and they just have to deal with it.
If you're depressed and unable to work then you need to be seeing someone to address it, not use it as an excuse to no longer work.
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u/Tired-Potatoes Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '24
I work in mental health and don’t get me wrong there are days that are incredibly hard for people. But at the same time mental health is an explanation, not an excuse. They need to sit down and have a good discussion on what the solution is because they’re going to be screwed if both of them burnout
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u/MazzIsNoMore Apr 11 '24
This. OP is clearly near "burnout" and has no help from his partner. This is his cry for help before it all comes crashing down
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u/grewupwithelephants Apr 11 '24
You can say that louder! I work in mental health too and from what I see here, people will use it as an excuse to abuse others by not taking responsibility for themselves. And when the world around them and everyone walks away, I’m sure they’ll still blame them for not being supportive. You’re responsible for your own life and the choices!!!
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u/Active_Win_3656 Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '24
I agree with this. I’ve been genuinely suicidal (had a plan and everything) and putting effort in was hard. I had days where I struggled but I put in routine, reached out for help, got it and am much better. I know it’s hard to feel the ability to put in effort but OP’s wife is probably not going to get better lying around. There needs to be a plan—otherwise, it just leads to being stuck
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u/randomly-what Partassipant [3] Apr 11 '24
You mean like how I said has she gone to a doctor? Was I not supposed to ask that?
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u/Worried-Series-6160 Apr 11 '24
No one has a “right to” burn out or get depression, it happens and is unpredictable.
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u/envious1998 Apr 11 '24
Suffering from something doesn’t give you the ability to inflict that on other people. That’s bs and you wouldn’t be saying that if the husband was the one doing nothing
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u/ParsleyMostly Apr 11 '24
Agreed. Sounds like a lot more going on than “she’s just lazy”.
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u/lefrench75 Apr 11 '24
She used to work FT and do 50% of the chores so it's unlikely that she just became too lazy to do either all of a sudden. Definitely sounds like depression or burnout.
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u/Special-Tam Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
NTA. Is she recovering from a burnout? Why did she quit her job instead of taking sick leave? Or is that not an option in USA?
Either she is being lazy all day, or she is actually needing time she takes to recover. Either case it sounds like you can't shoulder all responsibilities anymore and are also heading for a burnout. If she is not ready to work yet, she could at least take up some chores. If she is recovering from burnout, the real AH is the American healthcare system. If she is just taking a vacation, your wife is the AH.
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u/Moonydog55 Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '24
Sick leave is possible if the employer offers it, but they don't like you using it and will throw a fit especially if you try to take multiple days off in a row.
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u/Designa-Vagina-69 Apr 11 '24
I feel bad for the Americans. I honestly don't know how you guys deal with employers treating you like that.
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u/dankarella666 Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
lol Americans don’t get sick leave. Usually we accumulate pto but not for generally more than a week. We have short term disability also but it’s generally hard to get but it does pay for (eta) an extended amount of time. We also have fmla (family medical leave of absence I believe) but iirc you don’t get paid for it. I’ve never been anyway. We have unemployment benefits as well but that’s even harder to get & near impossible if you quit a job.
honestly this is all she can do. Quit until she’s ready to be productive again. (Not to say being lazy & not contributing is okay- just meant in the sense of she probably didn’t have the option to just leave for a while. )
ETA and pto is generally only offered at “real jobs” like office jobs etc. anyone working at a restaurant, etc almost guaranteed they will never have pto. I worked restaurant jobs for 25 years and never once saw pto.
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u/amsmtf Apr 11 '24
The US does lot allow for much. Possibly short-term disability at a pay reduction if you can produce enough evidence for your company to allow it (if at all). Most businesses only allow 2 weeks of time off for everything, and that includes sick time. And that’s accrued over the year for most, it’s not just handed out at the beginning of the year. If you legitimately need time off work, most people are forced to quit.
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u/MayaPinjon Asshole Enthusiast [8] Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
American Healthcare—AH is right there in the name.
(Edited for formatting issues...)
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u/dbhathcock Apr 11 '24
Give her three options.
See a therapist/psychiatrist and do all the chores.
Get a job and do 1/2 the chores.
Get a divorce.
Let her choose what she is going to do.
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u/bgreen134 Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '24
Info: what kind of “breakdown” did she have? I understand your frustration, just curious if something else maybe at play.
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Apr 11 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Hathorismypilot Apr 11 '24
If she is in her 40s, could be perimenopause. It can really cause a lot of problems - depression, brain fog, and more.
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u/Greyeyedqueen7 Apr 11 '24
Has she seen her doctor? Is she on any kind of treatment plan? Has she seen a therapist?
She doesn't need a job. She needs help.
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u/WeGoBlahBlahBlah Apr 11 '24
It's been 5 months. As adults, you need income. She can't just mope around and expect him to keep her life together.
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u/Greyeyedqueen7 Apr 11 '24
And the money from a fast food job will make all the difference?
The treatment plan for what she's dealing with is not a fast-paced, high stress, fast food job. The treatment plan would be for her to get actual medical care.
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u/Shot-Ad-6717 Apr 11 '24
It's been 5 months, and she's just sat there. OP has stated in multiple comments that he can't afford therapy and all that kind of stuff on his own. She needs to start learning how to tough things out, so while yes, she does need help, she also needs a job that can help pay for it. Especially after she was warned this would happen and she did nothing to try and curb and/or stop it.
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u/SimplyEbic Apr 11 '24
What she needs is to get off her ass and do something, even if it's taking herself to a therapist. OP is already busy enough and on the verge of burning out himself
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u/debtopramenschultz Apr 11 '24
NTA. She knows full well what happens from work-related stress, she should be aware that what happened to her will also happen to you if she doesn’t start helping.
I’d try to get the kids to help more with chores and ask the wife to at start out part time somewhere so she can at least contribute a bit while she looks for something more permanent.
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u/Refroof25 Apr 11 '24
I read as if she's at home with mental health problems, without solving that this situation won't become better.
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u/debtopramenschultz Apr 11 '24
Yeah but therapy costs money which is already an issue it seems. And OP seems to be on the verge of mental health issues himself so by not helping she’s gonna end up doubling the issues and the cost of therapy.
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u/p3ngwin Apr 11 '24
NTA.
And i see the usual Reddit misandrist circle jerk of hypocrisy:
* Man isn't working enough, isn't doing chores, neglects home, kids, etc = he needs to man-up because his wife needs a man, and not a child, she's not looking to be his mommy.
* Woman isn't working enough, isn't doing chores, neglects home, kids, etc = clearly she's depressed, needs compassion, therapy, time to heal, a real man would support his wife when she's vulnerable!
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u/AwarenessEconomy8842 Apr 11 '24
Also applies to young vs old
Old person does something wrong or makes a mistake=asshole and horrible boomer
Young person makes a mistake or does something wrong= excuses such as depression or anxiety or any other mental illness
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u/overtheta Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
I'm been reading in this sub long enough to know what you say is true. The double standards is just insane.
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u/Waste-Edge446 Apr 11 '24
INFO:
Ok, so a lot of comments here from people who do not understand mental health. Scary.
What support is available to you, OP? Your wife simply hasn't recovered from her breakdown and giving her job applications isn't going to fix this. A different approach is needed here. So who in your family/friends can help ease the burden from both of you?
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Apr 11 '24
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u/dramatictrashqueen Apr 11 '24
This is not about that kind of support. Your wife had a mental breakdown bad enough to quit her job suddenly and break her whole routine down to do nothing all day. She needs professional help. This is worrisome. If you’ve never had any problem before, it’s even MORE worrisome. Did she ever express any signs of hurting herself or maybe the kids? This sounds like the beginning of a very terrifying story.
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Apr 11 '24
Can you help her maybe find a counselor? Does she have a PCP? I have a feeling this issue will not be solved until her mental health is more stable.
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u/No-Advertising9300 Apr 11 '24
so he has to work, do chores and also take her to the doctor? Mayne she needs some food in her mouth??
OP's comment;
She has done this beofre, she gets in a habit and then doesn’t want to do the steps for change. That’s her reason she didn’t look for a new job all those years.
She doenst like change you have to drag her kicking and screaming
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u/perfectpomelo3 Asshole Aficionado [10] Apr 11 '24
So more work for OP.
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Apr 11 '24
Yeah, that's part of "in sickness and in health." When your partner's sick, it's more work for you.
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u/megpyp Apr 11 '24
His wife is sick and needs medical attention. Marriage isn’t always 50/50. I feel for him for sure. This situation is hard on everyone involved but that’s what you sign up for when you get married. Sickness and health deal
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u/Rooney_Tuesday Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
Hold up. We don’t actually know that she’s sick. She could be sure, but some of these comments are just proceeding from the assumption that she’s having a full on mental break. That’s not a foregone conclusion. And even if she is, she has as much if not more responsibility to handle her own self. Yes, OP can and should broach the subject. But her mental health is her own responsibility and nobody else’s.
ETA Guys. Mental health should be taken seriously, 100%. Some of y’all are making big assumptions that the wife cannot help herself. We do not know that this is the case at all - some people do have mental health crises, but if you think every person who claims “I have burnout, I can’t do the chores or anything else” is having a full mental crisis then you need to check your own naïveté (and since this is Reddit, some of y’all also need to check your own biases). We don’t have enough information here to definitively say one way or the other.
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u/axley58678 Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
Burnout/breakdowns are a real thing that can actually give you visible brain damage on scans. You have to actually heal from it to maintain a good mental health state long-term and that can take years. Not saying OPs wife should take years off, but I think most people here are equating burnout to just being really tired. It can be really serious and she should see some doctors.
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u/megpyp Apr 11 '24
Based on the info, and lack of in some areas, it genuinely sounds like a massive breakdown. He admits she had a breakdown but doesn’t elaborate. Her behavior is a classic example of having mental health problems unchecked. She genuinely may not be aware of it. As her husband he does have the responsibility to help her, not enable. Very different.
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u/Next-Honeydew4130 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 11 '24
The difference between helping and enabling is so key. I realized after a year and a half that I was enabling my long term boyfriend after he quit a high stress job, which I persuaded him to do in the first place. For a while I was helping, but it turned into enabling, and I ultimately had to kick him out and break up because he was unwilling to pull his weight. It was surreal to see someone just shut down and decide to start taking advantage of me out of the blue. So glad we never got married!
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u/Invis_Girl Apr 11 '24
You could literally say this about everything though? The point of getting her help is find out she is sick, that is a much better option than assuming she isn't and ignoring it. And while yes, she is repsonsible for herself too, but if you can't on your partner in times like this what is the point of marriage? Some stupid pointless traditional religious crap? A marriage is about partners in everything in life, that includes mental health issues just the same as any longterm illness of any kind.
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u/Veteris71 Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '24
That’s why she needs to see a doctor, because we don’t know if she’s sick.
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u/Noclevername12 Apr 11 '24
Sorry, these types of comments go way too far. We are not taking mental health seriously we we assume that someone’s mental health is no obstacle to getting help for their mental health. I have no idea about the status of OP‘s wife in particular, but it is just not true that everyone with mental health disorders can take full responsibility for their health.
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u/WeGoBlahBlahBlah Apr 11 '24
Its been half a year and he's been pulling both their weight. Stop that shit, it's not always 50/50 but he sure as hell shouldn't be carrying 100%, as someone riddled with mental health issues I can't stand it when someone tries to use that an excuse to take advantage of people you love.
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u/Groggamog Apr 11 '24
Okay. So if the genders were reversed and the wife was working 10 hour days and coming home to a filthy house where the husband hasn't worked in 5 months... you're telling me your stance would be the same?
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u/Ill-Description3096 Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '24
And OP is burnt out, just as she was. Why is it still 100% on him to do everything?
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u/Lucia_be_Madici Apr 11 '24
Yeah, I've been married over 20 years and it is not always 50/50. We've had times when only one of us had a job - once it was me, once it was them. My spouse lost their job and their father died around the same time, and was a mess for a while - but I stayed supportive and just let the little things go. Then I hit a major burn-out and became depressed and they had to pick up the slack at home (which I am sure was frustrating). In a way, it's sticking with it through those hard times that really makes a marriage.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Apr 11 '24
He is sick and needs help. Yet your approach focuses only on her. When a man tells you he is close to burnout and things kept getting bad. He is burnt out.
Plus 90% of the time a man admits that, he is already way past burn out.
I think your approach is at best 50% of a potential solution. Killing Peter to heal Paul isn't an option.
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u/Artistic-Nebula-6051 Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '24
Sometimes your partner has to state the obvious. In this case he let her know she needs to do "something" and by giving her the application he is saying ANYTHING is better than absolutely nothing. OP=NTA
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u/SHIBE_COLLECTIVE Apr 11 '24
Fr, what else is this guy supposed to do for her? He works longer hours now, does the chores she no longer does and she doesn’t give a real reason. She admits she isn’t pulling her weight.
And now this guy is supposed to find her care? wtf is she doing when he’s working? She can’t look up a mental health provider? Please.
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u/Grimwohl Apr 11 '24
I empathize with you.
My partner has mental illness and, as a result, has executive dysfunction on most days. She can spend the entire day not doing anything besides being emotionally and mentally tired.
It sucks, but I think you need to take a few days off and sit with her and make her get a therapist, get medication, and get a job. Tell her its non negotiable and if she wants to be married to you, she will take this seriously.
Some people lose their battles with mental health. It happens, and you need to be aware it may happen here. If she fights you on any of this, you know what you are going to have to do.
Take the rest of the days you have off and draft up separation papers. Hand them to her, and tell her she has until the divorce is finalized to get her mental health and job situation in order.
TLDR: Mental illness makes you not want to do things that are good for you to do or require effort. Take a few days and help her sort this out, and if she isn't responsive, you will probably need to separate or literally initiate a divorce before she will be willing to kick her ass into gear.
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u/Maleficent-Bad3755 Apr 11 '24
understood but what about his mental health .. he cannot go on alone as the sole provider ..
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u/NotTwitchy Asshole Enthusiast [7] Apr 11 '24
Men don’t have mental health, they were put on earth to be providers and thus have no concepts of emotions, thus cannot have their feelings hurt.
/s obviously
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u/budgetaudiophiles Apr 11 '24
Almost six months have passed. Asking everyone else but her to put in the work is unfair to everyone. She needs to work. It doesn’t matter where because sitting at home isn’t working either.
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u/WeGoBlahBlahBlah Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
No full stop. Its been 5 months. She needs to stand herself up and be a damn adult. Almost half a fucking year and his wife can't figure out how to get a job again?
What about HIS burnout?
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Apr 11 '24
Exactly. Mental health is one thing but completely ignoring the problem and letting the whole family suffer is another.
She needs to do something, not stagnate and OP is at breaking point, no idea what the kids are going through coming home to the constant tension too.
She's not even doing the bare minimum.
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u/cambo666 Apr 11 '24
Mental health is not an excuse to forgo your responsibilities. Try writing a check to your mortgage company in the amount of "Mental Health Excuse".
No less, what about OP mental health? He's still chugging along.
Stop with this mental health excuse. Millions have encountered and overcame it in the past without giving up. And millions more will. She's 100% leaning on that because she has the crutch, her husband. People like you using mental health as an excuse is why it has such a negative stigma and people don't ever get it addressed or are open about it. You're hurting more than you're helping by pointing to that.
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Apr 11 '24
NTA why is mental health always an excuse when it’s a woman who’s not doing her fair share? Why should OP have to put up with it when he’s the one working himself to death now? What about him? Or does he not matter?
She could easily get the cleaning done in a short amount of time, but chooses not to. I wonder what she’s really doing when he’s at work.
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u/Both-Awareness-8561 Apr 11 '24
My husband had a mental breakdown and I WFH. Man literally couldn't get out of bed - I'd have to coax him to eat or even switch on the TV to watch something. When he finally got therapy it was a long slow slog back to something approaching normal, and even now he's not back to the driven, enthusiastic bloke he used to be.
Burnout is like a broken bone. It might heal but it won't be as strong as it was pre-break. I certainly didn't expect him to get chores done any more then if he had broken both his legs. I needed him to get better.
Carer burnout is real and I can totally feel OP's frustration. But he needs to enlist more support for himself from others so he's not alone carrying this burden.
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u/reneeblanchet83 Partassipant [3] Apr 11 '24
Because severity is a range, OP's wife sounds like she never received treatment (unless I'm wrong on that) and we don't know the status of her mental health.
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u/uglysaladisugly Apr 11 '24
THis... the fact that it has been 5 months is actually what makes it obvious that they need to get her help. Staying 5 months in this post-burnout depression state could only have made her a lot worst than she was at the beginning of it.
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u/BirdistheWyrd Apr 11 '24
I mean, he quite legitimately, did say that her job drove her to have some type of mental health issue
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Apr 11 '24
I agree her mental health is shot, but she is clearly not currently doing anything to improve it. Moping about the house doing nothing is probably the worst thing she can do, she isn’t slowly healing she is getting worse.
On top of starting to look for work and getting back into regukar housework routines she should also start looking for some counselling. There is no reason she can’t do all three at the same time. It isn’t all that time consuming to do those tasks, she is just so demotivated and flat atm to her they are giant mountains of work in her eyes.
She seems to have lost the drive to even function on a basic level, so mental health intervention is most likely needed. But on top of the other tasks, not as an excuse to continue her sedentary lifestyle.
I would be curious to know how she loses her time during the day. Is she just sat in front of a screen all day? Is there a particular hobby/addiction that is sucking her energy away?
There is clearly some mitigating factors here.
Her potential mental illness is not a get out of jail free card, and the answer isn’t to just let her to continue to mope and continue to crash. She will be crappy at first OP but once you get her returning to ‘life’ she will see why you needed to put your foot down.
That is the fingers crossed situation though. Either way it’s better then just letting her wallow in misery.
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u/TailoredChuccs Apr 11 '24
I read a post similar to this one either yesterday or the day before except it was a woman posting about her husband and all the comments were like "you should leave his sorry ass" now on this post everyone's telling op he needs to be more supportive. Reddit is hilarious
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u/ContemplatingPrison Apr 11 '24
NTA. Why can't she at least keep house? That's crazy. She's had her vacation. Its time to be an adult again.
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u/UniqueID89 Apr 11 '24
NTA.
She keeps up the next papers she receive should be about separation. She’s gotten comfortable with her new lifestyle and to hell with you and the kids.
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u/WildMartin429 Apr 11 '24
I know some people would probably take this as misogynistic but I feel it applies even if the genders of the partners are reversed but if one partner is staying at home and unemployed then that partner by default becomes responsible for the vast majority of the household chores along with shopping and cooking. Doesn't matter if you're the man or the woman if you're staying at home get s*** done and have a meal waiting for your partner when they get home from work. I understand it they were burned out and couple of weeks of rest makes sense but 5 months is Way Beyond The Pale for doing nothing.
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u/Outside_Public4362 Apr 11 '24
Look at the fight ls in the comments .... Here's what she is a " DeadBeat Mom and wife " divorce that
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u/Conscious_Way_6366 Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '24
NTA. People saying that she has depression and is burnt out... That might be true, but her recovery shouldn't come at his husband's expense. He is burning out too and according to OP's comments, her wife is a very passive person who tends to chose the easy option, even when it is harmful for her or others. It's been long enough, she needs to step up or step out.
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u/MoonPowerPanda Apr 11 '24
Nta you have her plenty of time, time to nut up or shut up.
Yeah I don't think I'm using that right, but I wanted to so , yeah.
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u/Ryoko_Kusanagi69 Apr 11 '24
NTA!
It doesn’t matter the genders. She’s not working, she needs to get a job. And she need to do her share of the housework
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u/Fun_Negotiation7663 Apr 11 '24
NTA, why does she get this long break and you don't?
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u/penduR7 Apr 11 '24
Because bills got to be paid or else they’re homeless. If he relied on her to work, they’d die.
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Apr 11 '24
Sounds like she may be having some mental health struggles like depression. You’re NTA but I think she may need some help.
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u/lmholot1981 Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '24
NTA. Five months and she doesn’t have a job, and she isn’t doing housework? No way. I get that it can take a while to get new work in specific fields—it took me over a year to get the job I wanted at a specific company. But while she is looking for work, she needs to be doing something besides watching Netflix or whatever.
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u/SockMaster9273 Partassipant [4] Apr 11 '24
NTA
She is not doing her fair share of the house and needs to be doing something whether its working or actually cleaning and cooking the house. The Arby's thing may have been harsh but sounds like harsh is what she needs at this point. Maybe offer to help look for a job in her skill level or see why she is taking so long but if the list wasn't a wake up call, the application should be.
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u/Adventurous-Term5062 Apr 11 '24
NTA. She is watching you drown and does not care.
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u/JurassicParkFood Asshole Enthusiast [6] Apr 11 '24
NTA - we don't get to just quit a job, sit around doing nothing, and dump life on our spouse for months at a time (with no end in sight) without their blessing.
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u/Off-The-Wall23 Apr 11 '24
NTA, but I can't say that I don't 100% understand your wife's side too. A burnout is hard to recover from, I know personally. I stayed at a job I hated for nearly 8 yrs. It led to me taking FMLA to deal with the suicidal ideation and depression. I was mid shift, working from home, I called my boss in tears and said I couldn't do it. I couldn't take another phone call, I was in meltdown mode. I found out after that and through therapy, I'm very much ADHD and on the spectrum, so autistic burn out might hit differently for me than it did for your wife, but it was so hard to even care..about anything. The FMLA wasn't long enough and was hard to stay on for something mental. That led to the real breakdown where I ended up in jail for a weekend. It was a long road and I'm still recovering. I feel for you and all you're taking on, as I do for your wife.
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u/venturebirdday Apr 11 '24
NTA You are a family. Everyone needs to be doing their share. She has abdicated and there by made decisions that effect everyone. A single adult can decide to live in whatever fashion suits them. An adult family member does not have the luxury.
Where is her compassion for the rest of you?
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u/gnatdump6 Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '24
NTA - your reaction was a result of your own frustration, I can see how that would happen. She needs mental health support and yes, she needs to get a job and do her share.
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u/TXGrrl Apr 11 '24
Were you an asshole? Yes. Is your frustration understandable? Also yes. You obviously could've handled things better, but you're clearly at your wits end about the situation. She sounds like she's depressed, but she could also be milking it. It's impossible to say from our viewpoint. Let her know things have to change and if she's still "recovering", then she needs to seek help and recover in a productive way, because the current situation isn't working for you. I would also recommend seeing a therapist yourself to help you figure out where you should go from here. It can be immensely helpful to get input from someone removed from the situation and who's trained to help people navigate these types of things.
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u/alicat0818 Apr 11 '24
NTA
You gave your wife an option. Be a true stay at home wife and take over more chores so you can have a break with having to work more hours to cover bills, or get a job so you don't have to work the extra hours. If she doesn't like those options, she can leave and have to do all of the chores AND get a job.
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u/ambamshazam Apr 11 '24
NTA - 5 months is being compassionate but being compassionate should not come at your own detriment. You were willing to take on the financial burden of becoming sole provider while she spent time recovering.. you just asked that she pick up chores and look around for a new job. 5 months is plenty. The problem obviously, is that she has not held up her end and the bigger problem is that she is asking for your compassion when she is not extending any for YOU. It seems you’ve communicated that you are starting to feel run down and burnt out by not just providing for everyone but still having to do everything it takes to run and maintain a household. Relationships are give and take. You give her the time to recuperate from work stress and in return, she gives you a clean, stocked home to come back too. Except she’s not.
You can have all the compassion in the world and she can say she needs “more time” to recover but unfortunately, time waits for no one and life doesn’t just stop while you get yourself together. Bills still need to be paid, houses cleaned, pantries stocked and meals cooked, kids tended too… it doesn’t just do itself and as a partner, it’s selfish to know your spouse is running themselves ragged, doing their best to support you, teetering on the brink of their own breakdown, to just say “you’re a jerk and I need more time”
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u/temperance26684 Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '24
NTA. You're entitled to as much free time as she is. If she can get all the housework done in the time that you're at work, she needs to do that. If she's making good use of her time and there's still work to be done when you get home, that amount of work should get split down the middle.
I'm the sole earner in our household but my hours are like...laughably chill so I'm home most of the day. So we split chores down the middle more or less and my husband does the bulk of the childcare even when I'm home. If I worked more or if our child was older/in school, I'd expect him to do more of the housework so I could come home and have an equal amount of free time.
Your wife doesn't get to sit on her ass all day and leave all the work for you. What might have been an equal division of labor before she quit her job is no longer equal. You should be doing less now than you were before, because she SHOULD be doing more. If she's depressed or has mental health issues that need to be addressed, sure, get that taken care of. But it's been 5 months. She needs to get her shit together.
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u/buffythebudslayer Apr 11 '24 edited Apr 11 '24
NTA.
5 months is not a short time, it’s damn near half a year.
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Apr 11 '24
NTA.
She needs to suck it up and get a job. Sounds like she is too entitled to work and just expects you to accommodate her. I would show divorce papers just say that you are serious. She is completely disregarding you.
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u/Jason_Wolfe Asshole Aficionado [12] Apr 11 '24
NTA
At what point is she responsible for her own wellbeing? you have spent years trying to convince her to find a job that would be less stressful and she didn't. When she quit, you spent 5 months picking up the slack and pushing yourself to the breaking point while she did essentially nothing.
the amount of people calling you the AH is just baffling.
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u/Fun_Investigator658 Apr 11 '24
NTA BUT, your wife is clearly going through something and slapping a job application is not going to solve it. Would encourage her to find out what’s going on internally & work through it rather than forcing her to do things. She would likely get the job and quit with no notice again.
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u/corvidfamiliar Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '24
NTA. She is pushing you into a burnout, and then what? Should you just quit your job with zero notice too and do nothing while you recover?
You're barely keeping your head above water and she is looking at you from a dingy, not moving an inch to help you. She's coming up to half a year without a job and without pulling her weight at home either.
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u/AutoModerator Apr 11 '24
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My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years. Before she quit she job everything was pretty good. I made more than her but we still did 50/50 chore split and had two kids. Our two kids are in middle school and highschool. They have their own chores and can’t pretty independent. They get themselves up for school and on the bus no issue.
My wife use to work at a stressful job, I have been telling her for years to look at other jobs that have less stress before it blows up. She didn’t and had a breakdown, and quit her job with not notice. That was 5 months ago and I told her I can support us but she need to take up doing the chores. Also look for a new job.
She has not kept up her need of the deal, I come home to chores every single day. I work more hours now to keep us a float but have to do a ton of chores when I get home. I am getting to burnout, it is work work and more work. Last month I sat her down and told her to right down what she did this week. It was very short list, I wrote down what I did this week and it was much longer. She told me she got the point and would do better.
That lasted for about a week and it went back to her doing nothing. I had my breaking point yesterday, I worked 10 hours to come home to a dirty kitchen and no food since she didn’t go food shopping.
I pulled up her application for Arby’s and sent it to her. I informed her she has this month to get a job and I don’t care where. Clearly she isn’t helping with the house so she needs to make money to help out.
This started an agruement and she thinks I am being a huge jerk. It’s only been a few months since she quit. Also I am not being compassionate enough and needs more time to recover.
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u/Ranoutofoptions7 Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '24
NTA
Your wife can't have it all. She either needs to work and contribute financially or she needs to do a better job doing chores around the house. If you are working more hours to cover 100% of the expenses then it is not fair that you are also doing the majority of the chores.
People can say that your wife is in recovery but at the end of the day you two have children and she is an adult. She needs to grow up and take responsibility for herself and her family.
What would happen if you got stressed at your job from working extra hours and not being able to unwind at home? Who would support your family then? What would happen if you got hurt and were unable to work?
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