Another Greens Scandal

[u/National_Ad2892]

Greens Deny Rumours of Chloe Swarbrick’s Alleged Fish Breath as Staffers Complain of ‘Lingering Funk’

“I don’t know what kind of vegan breath mint she’s using, but it’s definitely not cruelty-free to my nostrils.”

WELLINGTON — The Green Party has moved swiftly to deny growing rumours that MP Chloe Swarbrick’s breath carries the unmistakable stench of low-tide.

Multiple parliamentary staffers have reported a “persistent, salty funk” that seems to appear whenever Swarbrick speaks, whispers, or breathes too close to a shared microphone. One aide described the scent as “like a mussel had a secret, and that secret was pain.”

“It’s like she’s been French kissing a fish market,” said one junior staffer, who now attends meetings via speakerphone from the corridor. “And I say that with deep respect for her mahi.”

Despite being a vocal vegan and advocate for plant-based everything, Swarbrick’s breath has prompted wild speculation. Some suggest it’s a vitamin B12 supplement gone rogue. Others believe it’s karmic retribution for her relentless opposition to commercial fishing subsidies.

“She says she’s never touched a snapper in her life,” said one intern, dabbing Vicks under their nose. “But it’s in the air, man. It’s in the air.”

Mints have begun appearing mysteriously on her desk. A lemon-scented diffuser was recently installed in her office. Staff have taken to opening windows “on principle.” One brave staffer reportedly tried slipping her a Fisherman’s Friend, only to be met with a piercing glare and a reminder that menthol is a colonial construct.

Swarbrick remains unfazed.

“I’m more worried about the stench of climate inaction, to be honest,” she told reporters, while a nearby assistant quietly sprayed lavender mist in her general direction.

Meanwhile, cleaners have asked for gloves, several party comms staff have switched to herbal tea (citing trauma), and at least one lobbyist has been spotted wearing a clothespin on their nose.

The Green Party has strongly denied any wrongdoing, adding in a statement:
“Frankly, if fingers are going to be pointed, we’d just like to note that those fingers seem to smell suspiciously like fish themselves.”

[u/crummed_fish]

Could be her GF needs feminine hygiene tips..

[u/adviceKiwi → u/crummed_fish]

Frankly, if fingers are going to be pointed, we’d just like to note that those fingers seem to smell suspiciously like fish themselves

Ack. Gag 🤮

[u/CrazyolCurt]

😂 That's pretty good!

[u/adviceKiwi]

LOOOOOOL

[u/Disastrous-Swan2049]

Greens don't believe in dentistry. Bad for the environment

[u/Bullion2]

Is this a tell? Like no one here gets any? Jealous of Chloe?

[u/National_Ad2892 → u/Bullion2]

yes we are all jealous of Chloe's fish breath, Like we are of Benjamin Doyle's way with children and Golriz 's honesty and accountability.

[u/Monty_Mondeo → u/National_Ad2892]

You forgot Darleen and her treatment of staff or Elizabeth and her bullying

The list is long

[u/Monty_Mondeo]

😂 very good satire