There’s a kind of intimacy that goes beyond sex. That feeling when someone sees a side of you the rest of the world never gets to. A look, a private joke, the way your body fits together in a way that only makes sense when it’s them. That kind of intimacy? I haven’t felt it in years.

We’ve been together 15 years. We sleep in the same bed. Share groceries, bills, vacay plans. But the spark’s long gone. We haven’t touched in almost 18 months. There’s no flirting. No stolen glances. Just a lot of logistical conversations and dead air.

I don’t even miss the sex as much as I miss being desired. The feeling of someone leaning in close and whispering something only meant for me. A shared world no one else gets access to. That used to make me feel chosen, and needed. Looking back, it made me feel actually alive.

Now, I just feel like furniture. Functional. Familiar. Safe. But not seen.

I try to stay present. I don’t raise my voice, don’t pick fights, don’t pressure her. I’ve tried therapy (30 sessions), journaling and reading. I’ve tried being romantic, being patient, being understanding. I’ve tried being absent, too, just to see if that changed anything. And it didn't.

I’m not here to rage about her or dump a list of grievances. I still love her. I just feel like I disappeared somewhere along the way and no one noticed.

Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to be someone’s secret again. To have a moment so intimate and electric, you carry it around all day like a spark in your pocket.

My therapist asked me to write a letter to myself and while I didn't think it profound at the time I wrote, "The house is full, the bed is warm, but I've never felt more alone". He picked up on it and it's a line I now let sing on 'repeat' in my head, all day and all night. Sobering.

I’m F35 and have been with my husband 13 years, married for 2. In many ways we have a positive relationship, but the truth is we’ve not been sexually compatible for around 11 years.

He’s a fairly selfish lover, never giving oral sex, very little foreplay, just focussed on his needs and then it’s done. I can’t count how many times over the years I’ve explained how I feel about our love life and he says the right things but the behaviour never changes. I’ve reached a point where for my own sanity I say nothing. It breaks my heart but I can’t keep seeing no results.

To make matters worse, his libido has become virtually non-existent over the last 4 years. We’re never intimate unless I instigate things and then on the rare occasions we have sex he loses his erection and we call it a night. To say I’m sexually frustrated is an understatement.

Recently I went on a work trip for 4 nights with a great group of people including a guy I’ve worked with for 18 months, let’s call him Luke. We’ve always had good banter and got along well. The evenings were very boozy and on the last night of the trip, after heading back to our separate rooms Luke messaged me to say he found me attractive and could he have my room number.

I’ve always been faithful to my husband and never for a moment would have thought I’d be someone to ever even consider an affair. However I gave Luke my room number. He came over, we kissed and touched each other intimately before I reluctantly decided it wasn’t a good idea and we both parted ways for the night.

Luke and I have spoken regularly since ‘that evening’ and he’s admitted he’s got feelings but he needs to be sensible as he’s got a long term partner and kids- he’s closed the door on us ever being that close again. I get it, despite now possibly having feelings for him too.

I’ve spent the last week reliving over and over again the passionate way he touched me and all I can think about is how much I’m kicking myself for not having just gone with the moment and slept with him. I’ve spent over a decade pushing down the desire to have passionate,intimate sex and he’s awoken something in me. Now I can’t seem to let it go. I’m hornier than I’ve been for years and now I have a ‘work crush’ that I have to speak to daily as part of my job.

I’m screaming inside and I’ve no idea what to do to move past this. I care for my husband deeply but I’m also so resentful that he doesn’t care enough to even meet me in the middle with my sexual needs. We have a young child together which also complicates things.

Has anyone been through something like this? How do I deal with fancying Luke? I’m so frustrated, distracted and upset. What do I do? Please help. I can’t talk to anyone in my life about this and I feel I may burst…

We watched a movie together and a sex scene happened to show up. I don't know why but I just wanted to run away and cry.

Growing up I always heard the gossip of my parents and their friends playing the who’s cheating who game at parties and get togethers. Now that I am 35 I finally experienced my first encounter with someone dearly close to my wife and I cheating. What a roller coaster. My wife came home from a routine visit with her best friend and I could tell something was off. Immediately she rushed into our room with wide eyes. Turns out her best friend’s hubby has been having a 9 month affair with a lady that lives across town and she recently busted him. She has been suspicious for a while but finally got some phone records printed off and confirmed a number of 3AM phone calls to the affair partners phone number. His excuse was the dead bedroom finally got to him after 4 years of minimal action. They have a couple kids 6 and 4. My wife and I also have 2 kids aged 4 and 1. Our bedroom fun has been essentially nonexistent after our second kid but its only been a year so I am not complaining. It is funny watching her squirm imagining being in the same situation as her bff one day. She has been groping me all evening and said she is in the mood all of the sudden. Hilarious.

Me (HL wife) with LL husband. I was so looking forward to sex this weekend. Not even an ounce of an attempt from him. I’ve napped naked next to him and still nothing. It’s like I tel myself I won’t try anymore and then I do only to be let down again. All I can do is laugh at this point.

I've had a lovely day out with the kids today celebrating my 40th birthday and it's 11pm the kids asleep so why am I sat here in my car radio on posting on Reddit. It comes to something when not even birthday sex is on the menu. Been together near 15 years now and the past 5 years the sex is drying up. Last year we had sex 4 times and this year once. Everytime initiated by myself. It feels like it's a chore for her. My libido is high and this is so depressing. I'm actually sickened that my only sexual release is by masterbation. I still get female attention but as much as I'm pissed off I do not want to cheat or split up. If we split I know my kids are going to be devastated but this woman is just cold. There's no affection to the point she struggles to even give a hug. I want back the woman I fell in love with but as time goes by I just don't recognize her. Feeling alone in a relationship actually sucks ass.

I'm giving my ex another chance- we had a db most of our relationship so I moved away from him and got a dog. I thought the time living apart would increase his desire - turns out - not even a little bit. He's obsessed with my dog and gives him compliments all day/ pets and strokes him. I slept over last night and thought he would really want to sleep together- not sex but cuddle- I threw my dog into the bed with him and he was in heaven- cuddled him and was so happy. I slept on the couch and cried. Pathetic- I know

Had my boyfriend over a couple days ago. He had me against the wall. He kissed me passionately. Pulled me closer to him. He had to leave, but told me to wear something sexy this weekend, and maybe we could have some fun😉. When the weekend came around I spent a while getting ready. Freshly shaved legs and 🐱, hair done all nice, wore my best matching set and….. nothing. He invited me to shower with him, and i thought he was going to make a move but nope. Silly me. Perhaps nerves from our previous conversations? Tore down my self esteem again. We have another date on Monday, but it makes me sad that i might just be getting my hopes up again for no reason. Why get me riled up to not follow through? Rude!!

So I guess I have technically been living in a dead bedroom for a while, but I had never heard of that term before, that is until my wife’s AP emailed me.

I don’t want to make this long, I don’t even know where to start, but I guess I was not trying to push my wife to do things she didn’t want to do. She never blew me because early on she said she didn’t like to, so quickly I just wrote that off as a thing from my past. She also constantly rejected me, or would tease that we could do things, but would go to sleep on me or say “tomorrow”. Also would get mad if I woke her up or tried to keep her up. I basically just took the hint eventually that she didn’t want to have sex, and I would let her decide when she wanted it. I have no issues with jerking off, and family is much more important to me than sex. I can live without sex.

Then she cheated on me. For a fair amount of times and in kinda wild ways. I’ve talked about it and told my story, not trying to rehash, but basically I have no idea where I went wrong.

She would say that I don’t care about sex, but I was the one getting rejected. I just stopped trying eventually. I think in the 6 years after our second child we had sex a dozen times? Maybe? She did things with that person that she’s never done with me. They did more in their 6 months than I could even comprehend. He probably got more head from her than I have in my life… had sex places, even in my own house, that her and I never did.

Still trying to figure out my situation in life and where I will be, but I never want this to happen again. And idk how I can stop this.

I work a lot. I know that. But I still wanted to have sex and passion. Idk if she just didn’t feel appreciated, and if I couldn’t give her the whole 9 yards, just intimacy wasn’t good enough.

I just hate this situation and it’s beyond irritating.

I'm nearing my later 20s and have been with my girlfriend for two years. She has been hinting at getting engaged in the next couple months.

I have never been super eger to get married but if it's with the right person I wouldn't mind it. She is extremely kind, secure, and doesn't have an ounce of crazy in her.

In the beginning we would only ever had sex once a wee. At this point I'm lucky even if we have sex on the weekend these days, and I initiate 90% of the time. She also seems to rush through it and wants me to finish quickly. It's rare that she actually wants to spend the time to put some effort in.

I let her live at my place pretty much rent free, I do most of the housework and we split cleaning. It's not like I'm being lazy and making her do everything. It feels like she doesn't really want me physically.

I am lucky and have always been fairly attractive and tall, but struggled with social anxiety. Now that I'm a little more over that I get attention from lots of women when Im out which ads to the frustration.

I feel like if we were to get married this would get 100 times worse. She is only the second person I have been with so maybe this is a normal amount of sex to have in a long term relationship.

The last few years sex has been transactional. It feels cold and as if was a chore. About a month ago she was touchy feely which was a nice surprise. But not too as it was her time of month the only time she gets horny. At some point during for play I was is something like am I man enough for you or something similar. She was like no. I stop and said well do you respect me as a man? She said no. I stopped and said I don’t want to do this. She got upset. I am hurt and now don’t want to be with her. Since this she has never apologized or kissed or hugged me. Which is good I guess because I don’t desire it any more.

Sorry I guess this is more of a public vent than anything.

Thank you for allowing me to vent.

Im 28F he’s 29M. Not married but we live together, been together for 3+ years.

Our relationship is generally really loving and good besides having a dead bedroom. He compliments me constantly, we kiss so many times per day, we kind of tease each other/make sexual jokes. We giggle and hang out so much. But nothing sexual ever really happens.

We’ve talked about it before and came to the conclusion that we’re both in love and don’t want to break up but he just doesn’t have much of a sex drive anymore. He wants to fix it but just doesn’t have any libido.

When I try to come on to him it usually ends in rejection. When we do have sex it usually feels like I’m desperate and had to really try to make it happen and sometimes it ends with him not being able to finish and I spend the next hour trying to comfort him or with him completely shutting down.

I don’t really initiate anymore. If I’m being honest I’m mainly turned on when someone else is coming onto me and taking control of things. I don’t like initiating very much anyways.

I’m extremely sexually frustrated but don’t want to leave him. And the thing is my libido isn’t even that high. I’d be happy with once or twice per month when my cycle makes me horniest. I’d be happy with more cause I love being close to him but really I just miss feeling sexually desired. My confidence has taken a hit despite all the compliments I get.

I guess I’m just venting but anyone else have a loving relationship with lots of physical contact but just no sex?

I just don't understand why I'm being punished or judged for something I try my best to but always fail to control. I see it as a way to truly connect with my partner but he sees it only as a chore that he has to do every few weeks. And then scolds me when I try and beg for it to be more frequent.

It's not like I wouldn't be satisfied with the opportunity to please him. Sometimes that's all I ask so I can at least feel something. I try to seek alternatives like just asking them to pleasure me with their hands or whatever else but even that ends up being too much.

I feel like I'm going crazy. We've been together for 3 years and I feel like it would be smart to just throw in the towel but there's so much time and energy invested... I'm at my wits end and I try day and day to talk to them about it but am always ignored.

Does it ever get easier to live with at least?

...or rather, a box to be checked. Hubs and I have been married for 2 years and together for 7. When we first got together I was getting out of a previous marriage - yet another DB - but not entirely the reason I left.

But I digress.

When we first got together it was like nothing I'd ever experienced. I went into the relationship completely unabashed with that soon to be divorced glow. I didn't give a shit about what anyone thought of me and was able to express myself wholly; don't like it? Don't date me.

Our relationship was exhilarating and the sex was insane - we would not only have sex multiple times a week, but multiple times a day. My mind was blown. I didn't know men could be multi orgasmic, but I didn't second guess the experience. I just felt happy to finally be intimate with someone who genuinely seemed to enjoy my company too. I felt special and for the first time in a long time in my life, attractive. There was connection, intimacy outside of the encounters and I can't express how good it felt to learn someone and know they are taking the time to learn about me too.

Cut to years later and we're down to having sex three times a month. As I've experienced the dwindling over the years I have tried to bring it up. Sometimes with compassion and understanding, sometimes with a vile/bitter taste of rejection in my mouth that has bred some pretty awful flights. It started when I got pregnant with our (now 4 year old) child and hasn't really picked back up.

I've tried so many things over the years, even opening up about my (previously never disclosed to any one on earth) deep rooted interest in being submissive, 1950s households, and establishing a D/s dynamic. I gave complete consent for non consensual encounters and urged him to take advantage anytime he'd like, yadda yadda (going into the details makes me sad/pissed now). While that piqued his attention for a bit, it didn't hold.

And here we are, going to bed every night where he squeezes my bum and we kiss (peck) goodnight, only to have my advances shot the fuck down time and time again.

I've asked him what's up, is there anything that's turning him off, what I can do to get him in the mood, etc., and instead of addressing the issues he just goes down on me and calls it a night. Granted, that hasn't happened in a long time because I've started calling him on this tactic but then, somehow I'm the asshole for setting a boundary, for needed connection or intimacy before he tries to finish me to shut me up, to check a box.

I'm ranting. Not entirely sure where I'm going with this, but it feels good to finally get some of it out.

Some days are harder to cope than others. Please share your stories where got were able to turn the things around and actually be sexual again and save your relationship, and how you did it.

Alternatively, share your stories where you left, and it didn't get any better (yet) for you.

I want to really, really want to belive that staying is the right thing to do. Today is just being harder than most days

Touching is a built in endorphin booster. Being part of a dead bedroom takes the touching away. Its been at least two years since I've been touched outside of familial hugs with extended family. Even fighting, and beating, cancer wasn't enough to get any kind of contact. It's making me deeply depressed and I'm not sure how to get the touch I need to pull me out.

HLM.. I keep trying to be close, intimate and offer the softer/other side of intimacy. For a long time now. I’m not just trying for sex. Still not getting anywhere. It feels like I have a roommate that gives me an obligatory kiss goodnight. Like a peck my mom would give me. I have never felt so desperate. Not that I’m hot shit but when I was single I was able to have sex, a cuddle whatever pretty much any time I felt the need. I think I’d settle for pity sex but I know that’d just make me feel more empty. I don’t know how to keep doing this. Our anniversary is coming up and I planned a surprise getaway and I don’t think anything different than what happens at home will happen.

It’s so hard to feel sexy or even think about wanting sex with my partner because of how he treats me. We get into an argument and he just blows up. Almost always. Says things that aren’t true. Doesn’t listen. Cusses at me and mocks me. Then practically begs and whines about sex every single day after. He’s keeping score of the amount of times we have sex. Haven’t felt aroused by him much since we had our kid. We had a child and he completely changed. Turned selfish and demanding after abandoning me when our son was born because he couldn’t handle taking care of a baby. As our son got older, it got better.. but it’s still no where close to where it should be. He doesn’t take me on dates. Barely helps around the house. He’s even said that because he works full time that I should be having sex with him more pretty much. It’s turned into a transaction and it’s like… how lol. We can’t even afford a place of our own.. never have been able to for 10 years. So what exactly is the transaction here? He’s given me ultimatums. If we don’t have more sex, he’s going to give up. He doesn’t want a roommate. He wants sex every single day despite not having privacy or barely any time away from our kid. I feel like the real reason why he’s mad is because when we first got together, sex came easy. I was a horny and eager virgin. He didn’t have to do anything for it and now after a kid, responsibilities, life’s grievances, etc.. it’s different. I don’t feel randomly horny anymore. My libido is 100% reliant on how he treats me and how he carries himself throughout the day. This last argument was particularly rough.. and the fact that he’s been whining about wanting sex for the past 5 days and keeps throwing in my face “we haven’t had sex in almost 2 weeks”.. sorry… it’s hard to get over being called “r****” and being told to “shut the f up”. Being called a “b****”, etc. It’s not like he’s just to make up with me by showing me he’s sorry or doing something nice for me. Just crying about it, like a horny 16 year old boy.. and expecting me to just do it. He gets up at 4am for work 4 days out of the week so obviously he goes to bed earlier than I do on those days. He has today and tomorrow off. He’s going to play video games all day and drink probably. He’ll complain about how I “never want to spend time with him”.. but never tries to do something I want to do. I have to drink to even feel relaxed enough to think about having sex. Especially right before my period lol (thanks PMDD). We keep having this problem where he wants to have sex but we can’t because of lack of privacy or different schedules. (He doesn’t make any extra special time for just us to bond). So it just has to happen when it happens. But he’ll want it when he can’t have it. Then on his days off, he’d rather play games or spend time with friends. I’ll be able to drink and relax, then try to have sex. He tells me “you only want to do it on your time” and won’t budge. Despite telling me he always wants sex and that I should always try. Or when our kid is in school, he plays games or watches Tik Tok all day then wants to have sex 20 minutes before it’s time to go pick up our kid. Like no thanks. Sex is always the same. In the bed. TV on. Me turned over so he can try to give me a massage to help me relax. I’m bored. I’m turned off and quite frankly, I feel hurt and misunderstood. I feel like he’s selfish af and doesn’t care about what I want. Sure, he can help me “finish” but I still don’t feel excited or like.. eager to have sex. Woohoo. Nothing my vibrator can’t do. Even when it’s time to have sex, it’s rarely serious. He just lays there and makes jokes or gropes me. He doesn’t know how to be sensual. He just wants to get off. And he wants it everyday and is keeping score.

I’m at a loss. I do everything. I work part time too. I’m like.. gee…. Must be nice to only have to worry about going to work. I do all of the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, school pick-ups, vacuuming, laundry, I am the main caretaker for our son. I pick up after him because if I don’t, some stuff would be left out for dayssssssss. Plus there’s other things that have gone on between us that have hindered our bond. But somehow it’s all my fault. It’s my fault since he wants sex everyday but I don’t. So it’s up to me.. have more sex with him or he’s going to “give up”. I feel like I’m fighting this battle alone. I’ve been extremely depressed but ever since my mom died at the end of 2023…. It’s just been so hard. I don’t have family so I can’t grieve with them. It’s like I had to come back home and snap right back into my Cinderella duties. I haven’t had proper space or care to grieve the loss of my mom. It’s times like this when I really miss her the most. :( Idk anymore. I’m tired.

Me 40M, her 37F. The DB thing has pretty much been on the increase since we married 10 years ago. Before that it was daily. I felt desired and masculine and I loved that she wanted me all the time. We have 3 kids and the eldest, my stepdaughter turned 18 last year. Since then they’ve become closer than ever; there’s only 18 years between them and my wife is quite playful and looks very young and is quite attractive. The girls click in a way I’ll never understand and I love that for them. Lately my wife has been going clubbing with her and her friends and last weekend I suggested that I come along. My wife told me that I wasn’t welcome and it’s just something they do together, she said it’s not my vibe. I told her that it’s not my vibe because last time we went out she got wasted and embarrassed me in front of our friends. If she could not do that I’d probably have a good time. Sooo I stayed home and drank whisky until I passed out in the spare room. My wife came home and has reinforced this is my problem.

What I’ve come to realise is that we’ve just been friends for years. She would have sex with me here and there to only appease me but it’s no longer fun and she likes to lay on the guilt about it. She sees it as very transactional which takes the fun from it. My stepdaughter has slowly moved in on what relationship I had with my wife and since she’s not interested in intimacy, the stepdaughter is a perfect fit and they have a great time together.

I’m feeling pretty excluded and washed up. I turn 40 next week and she’s organised a big celebration with a bunch of our friends the weekend after but I’m feeling like I don’t want any of it. The worst part is that I love her and I find her amazing in so many ways. I don’t think she feels the same about me, at least in the way I want her to.

Every day I’m wondering what divorce looks like. We have a business, a beautiful house and lots of travel planned but I’m miserable.

Thanks for reading guys.

How deep things are out of order and my flat out indifference to them until I realized how I look forward to being alone so I can rub one out.

Bedroom is on life support, on and off with lots of disappointment. I used to look forward to enjoying the marriage years…now I look forward to being able to jack off in peace.

How do people cope with dead bedroom. I think it is easier to live as roommates at this stage. She doesn’t like sex anymore. I have tried communicating but have given up. So wondering how do people go through there normal lives without sex?

It's been 3 months again. We're well into the single digits per year now, and I think it's time I just delete my tracking app because there's just no sense in it anymore. I remember when two or three times a month felt low and that's when I started keeping track. I used to want to jump his bones daily and it bothered me so badly feeling so undesirable. I got tired of the pleading and rejection and just stopped asking him some time last year. I can't say if he noticed that I stopped asking, but I imagine it was probably just a relief to be able to get it from me when he wanted it, and not deal with the nagging. But now I nearly cringe at the thought of letting him inside me.

He's been hinting at it for a couple weeks and has been bringing it up more the last few days. I've told him no every time. He finally asked me tonight why I don't want to have sex with him anymore. I told him I've grown so used to never having it, that I just don't want it all now, maybe ever. I also said I don't want to have sex now knowing we won't have it again until at least August, so I'd rather just be abstinent. He just said "Ok" and then went back to playing COD. I take care of the house and kids by myself. I take care of him in any way that he needs to me to. I don't have time for myself ever. But I can't deny that it feels somewhat empowering in a way to be able to turn him down like he's done to me for so long. The difference though is that I never dreamt of cheating or betraying him when it was only him with the LL, but he'll probably just go back to porn or find someone on the side to handle it that way and then blame me for him doing it. I'm just a shell of who I used to be. Maybe I'll be able to go find that desire again someday when the kids are grown, but for now I've just accepted my life this way.

Heard the song Coming Home by Old Dominion today and realized this what I want. I want someone excited and passionate about me. I want them “coming in hot “ just to be with me. It’s not just about sex it’s being wanted that bad. If you have not heard the song give it a listen. Oh to be wanted that bad!

Anyone watching WL? Low-key obsessed and excited about tonight's season finale.

Back to my post lol. The scene between Chelsea and Rick when she's naked on his lap, legs wrapped around his waist and Rick cups her breast to suck them and then...well you know what's next.

I had to pause it, replayed and then cried. At 34, I realized I've never had that. Like never! Never ever! 🗣 Ever. The level of passion and intimacy.

I left my DB and trying to get back into dating but man this scene really made me realize, there are so many things I haven't tried and I so desperately want to but who knows when it'll happen. I want a loving relationship and exciting sex life.

I posted here few days ago how my wife wants to have sex all the time, after being in a DB for almost 4 years. Here’s the link to previous post - https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/T6hQb18GML

There was a lot of opinions and advice, firstly my wife’s in her late 20s, so not menopausal, second, she’s not cheating. A lot of you thought that she’s been cheating on me and her side piece broke it off. The best advice was to really just talk to her about it - it’s seems obvious, I guess I was just scared of the answer.

Basically she said she stills wants to break up after the family vacation, she’s kinda checked out emotionally. There’s always been a thin line for her between sex and love and since our relationship has had more downs than ups lately, she just never was in the mood. Now that she’s given up on our emotional connection, when she’s horny, she just goes for it without thinking about emotional stuff.

I hope you can understand, I’m feeling confused about it myself. She said she’s waited for years for me to be more romantic, but it just never came and now she’s given up on it.

I cried a bit after we had our talk and I never cry. I’m not sure what to do next. I don’t want to break up. I want to change our relationship but I guess it’s too late. How am I supposed to have sex with her now when all I’ll be thinking during - is this the last time?