We watched a movie together and a sex scene happened to show up. I don't know why but I just wanted to run away and cry.

Growing up I always heard the gossip of my parents and their friends playing the who’s cheating who game at parties and get togethers. Now that I am 35 I finally experienced my first encounter with someone dearly close to my wife and I cheating. What a roller coaster. My wife came home from a routine visit with her best friend and I could tell something was off. Immediately she rushed into our room with wide eyes. Turns out her best friend’s hubby has been having a 9 month affair with a lady that lives across town and she recently busted him. She has been suspicious for a while but finally got some phone records printed off and confirmed a number of 3AM phone calls to the affair partners phone number. His excuse was the dead bedroom finally got to him after 4 years of minimal action. They have a couple kids 6 and 4. My wife and I also have 2 kids aged 4 and 1. Our bedroom fun has been essentially nonexistent after our second kid but its only been a year so I am not complaining. It is funny watching her squirm imagining being in the same situation as her bff one day. She has been groping me all evening and said she is in the mood all of the sudden. Hilarious.

There’s a kind of intimacy that goes beyond sex. That feeling when someone sees a side of you the rest of the world never gets to. A look, a private joke, the way your body fits together in a way that only makes sense when it’s them. That kind of intimacy? I haven’t felt it in years.

We’ve been together 15 years. We sleep in the same bed. Share groceries, bills, vacay plans. But the spark’s long gone. We haven’t touched in almost 18 months. There’s no flirting. No stolen glances. Just a lot of logistical conversations and dead air.

I don’t even miss the sex as much as I miss being desired. The feeling of someone leaning in close and whispering something only meant for me. A shared world no one else gets access to. That used to make me feel chosen, and needed. Looking back, it made me feel actually alive.

Now, I just feel like furniture. Functional. Familiar. Safe. But not seen.

I try to stay present. I don’t raise my voice, don’t pick fights, don’t pressure her. I’ve tried therapy (30 sessions), journaling and reading. I’ve tried being romantic, being patient, being understanding. I’ve tried being absent, too, just to see if that changed anything. And it didn't.

I’m not here to rage about her or dump a list of grievances. I still love her. I just feel like I disappeared somewhere along the way and no one noticed.

Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to be someone’s secret again. To have a moment so intimate and electric, you carry it around all day like a spark in your pocket.

My therapist asked me to write a letter to myself and while I didn't think it profound at the time I wrote, "The house is full, the bed is warm, but I've never felt more alone". He picked up on it and it's a line I now let sing on 'repeat' in my head, all day and all night. Sobering.

Had my boyfriend over a couple days ago. He had me against the wall. He kissed me passionately. Pulled me closer to him. He had to leave, but told me to wear something sexy this weekend, and maybe we could have some fun😉. When the weekend came around I spent a while getting ready. Freshly shaved legs and 🐱, hair done all nice, wore my best matching set and….. nothing. He invited me to shower with him, and i thought he was going to make a move but nope. Silly me. Perhaps nerves from our previous conversations? Tore down my self esteem again. We have another date on Monday, but it makes me sad that i might just be getting my hopes up again for no reason. Why get me riled up to not follow through? Rude!!

I'm nearing my later 20s and have been with my girlfriend for two years. She has been hinting at getting engaged in the next couple months.

I have never been super eger to get married but if it's with the right person I wouldn't mind it. She is extremely kind, secure, and doesn't have an ounce of crazy in her.

In the beginning we would only ever had sex once a wee. At this point I'm lucky even if we have sex on the weekend these days, and I initiate 90% of the time. She also seems to rush through it and wants me to finish quickly. It's rare that she actually wants to spend the time to put some effort in.

I let her live at my place pretty much rent free, I do most of the housework and we split cleaning. It's not like I'm being lazy and making her do everything. It feels like she doesn't really want me physically.

I am lucky and have always been fairly attractive and tall, but struggled with social anxiety. Now that I'm a little more over that I get attention from lots of women when Im out which ads to the frustration.

I feel like if we were to get married this would get 100 times worse. She is only the second person I have been with so maybe this is a normal amount of sex to have in a long term relationship.

I’m F35 and have been with my husband 13 years, married for 2. In many ways we have a positive relationship, but the truth is we’ve not been sexually compatible for around 11 years.

He’s a fairly selfish lover, never giving oral sex, very little foreplay, just focussed on his needs and then it’s done. I can’t count how many times over the years I’ve explained how I feel about our love life and he says the right things but the behaviour never changes. I’ve reached a point where for my own sanity I say nothing. It breaks my heart but I can’t keep seeing no results.

To make matters worse, his libido has become virtually non-existent over the last 4 years. We’re never intimate unless I instigate things and then on the rare occasions we have sex he loses his erection and we call it a night. To say I’m sexually frustrated is an understatement.

Recently I went on a work trip for 4 nights with a great group of people including a guy I’ve worked with for 18 months, let’s call him Luke. We’ve always had good banter and got along well. The evenings were very boozy and on the last night of the trip, after heading back to our separate rooms Luke messaged me to say he found me attractive and could he have my room number.

I’ve always been faithful to my husband and never for a moment would have thought I’d be someone to ever even consider an affair. However I gave Luke my room number. He came over, we kissed and touched each other intimately before I reluctantly decided it wasn’t a good idea and we both parted ways for the night.

Luke and I have spoken regularly since ‘that evening’ and he’s admitted he’s got feelings but he needs to be sensible as he’s got a long term partner and kids- he’s closed the door on us ever being that close again. I get it, despite now possibly having feelings for him too.

I’ve spent the last week reliving over and over again the passionate way he touched me and all I can think about is how much I’m kicking myself for not having just gone with the moment and slept with him. I’ve spent over a decade pushing down the desire to have passionate,intimate sex and he’s awoken something in me. Now I can’t seem to let it go. I’m hornier than I’ve been for years and now I have a ‘work crush’ that I have to speak to daily as part of my job.

I’m screaming inside and I’ve no idea what to do to move past this. I care for my husband deeply but I’m also so resentful that he doesn’t care enough to even meet me in the middle with my sexual needs. We have a young child together which also complicates things.

Has anyone been through something like this? How do I deal with fancying Luke? I’m so frustrated, distracted and upset. What do I do? Please help. I can’t talk to anyone in my life about this and I feel I may burst…

The last few years sex has been transactional. It feels cold and as if was a chore. About a month ago she was touchy feely which was a nice surprise. But not too as it was her time of month the only time she gets horny. At some point during for play I was is something like am I man enough for you or something similar. She was like no. I stop and said well do you respect me as a man? She said no. I stopped and said I don’t want to do this. She got upset. I am hurt and now don’t want to be with her. Since this she has never apologized or kissed or hugged me. Which is good I guess because I don’t desire it any more.

Sorry I guess this is more of a public vent than anything.

Thank you for allowing me to vent.

Me (HL wife) with LL husband. I was so looking forward to sex this weekend. Not even an ounce of an attempt from him. I’ve napped naked next to him and still nothing. It’s like I tel myself I won’t try anymore and then I do only to be let down again. All I can do is laugh at this point.

...or rather, a box to be checked. Hubs and I have been married for 2 years and together for 7. When we first got together I was getting out of a previous marriage - yet another DB - but not entirely the reason I left.

But I digress.

When we first got together it was like nothing I'd ever experienced. I went into the relationship completely unabashed with that soon to be divorced glow. I didn't give a shit about what anyone thought of me and was able to express myself wholly; don't like it? Don't date me.

Our relationship was exhilarating and the sex was insane - we would not only have sex multiple times a week, but multiple times a day. My mind was blown. I didn't know men could be multi orgasmic, but I didn't second guess the experience. I just felt happy to finally be intimate with someone who genuinely seemed to enjoy my company too. I felt special and for the first time in a long time in my life, attractive. There was connection, intimacy outside of the encounters and I can't express how good it felt to learn someone and know they are taking the time to learn about me too.

Cut to years later and we're down to having sex three times a month. As I've experienced the dwindling over the years I have tried to bring it up. Sometimes with compassion and understanding, sometimes with a vile/bitter taste of rejection in my mouth that has bred some pretty awful flights. It started when I got pregnant with our (now 4 year old) child and hasn't really picked back up.

I've tried so many things over the years, even opening up about my (previously never disclosed to any one on earth) deep rooted interest in being submissive, 1950s households, and establishing a D/s dynamic. I gave complete consent for non consensual encounters and urged him to take advantage anytime he'd like, yadda yadda (going into the details makes me sad/pissed now). While that piqued his attention for a bit, it didn't hold.

And here we are, going to bed every night where he squeezes my bum and we kiss (peck) goodnight, only to have my advances shot the fuck down time and time again.

I've asked him what's up, is there anything that's turning him off, what I can do to get him in the mood, etc., and instead of addressing the issues he just goes down on me and calls it a night. Granted, that hasn't happened in a long time because I've started calling him on this tactic but then, somehow I'm the asshole for setting a boundary, for needed connection or intimacy before he tries to finish me to shut me up, to check a box.

I'm ranting. Not entirely sure where I'm going with this, but it feels good to finally get some of it out.

Me 40M, her 37F. The DB thing has pretty much been on the increase since we married 10 years ago. Before that it was daily. I felt desired and masculine and I loved that she wanted me all the time. We have 3 kids and the eldest, my stepdaughter turned 18 last year. Since then they’ve become closer than ever; there’s only 18 years between them and my wife is quite playful and looks very young and is quite attractive. The girls click in a way I’ll never understand and I love that for them. Lately my wife has been going clubbing with her and her friends and last weekend I suggested that I come along. My wife told me that I wasn’t welcome and it’s just something they do together, she said it’s not my vibe. I told her that it’s not my vibe because last time we went out she got wasted and embarrassed me in front of our friends. If she could not do that I’d probably have a good time. Sooo I stayed home and drank whisky until I passed out in the spare room. My wife came home and has reinforced this is my problem.

What I’ve come to realise is that we’ve just been friends for years. She would have sex with me here and there to only appease me but it’s no longer fun and she likes to lay on the guilt about it. She sees it as very transactional which takes the fun from it. My stepdaughter has slowly moved in on what relationship I had with my wife and since she’s not interested in intimacy, the stepdaughter is a perfect fit and they have a great time together.

I’m feeling pretty excluded and washed up. I turn 40 next week and she’s organised a big celebration with a bunch of our friends the weekend after but I’m feeling like I don’t want any of it. The worst part is that I love her and I find her amazing in so many ways. I don’t think she feels the same about me, at least in the way I want her to.

Every day I’m wondering what divorce looks like. We have a business, a beautiful house and lots of travel planned but I’m miserable.

Thanks for reading guys.

Touching is a built in endorphin booster. Being part of a dead bedroom takes the touching away. Its been at least two years since I've been touched outside of familial hugs with extended family. Even fighting, and beating, cancer wasn't enough to get any kind of contact. It's making me deeply depressed and I'm not sure how to get the touch I need to pull me out.

I posted here few days ago how my wife wants to have sex all the time, after being in a DB for almost 4 years. Here’s the link to previous post - https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/T6hQb18GML

There was a lot of opinions and advice, firstly my wife’s in her late 20s, so not menopausal, second, she’s not cheating. A lot of you thought that she’s been cheating on me and her side piece broke it off. The best advice was to really just talk to her about it - it’s seems obvious, I guess I was just scared of the answer.

Basically she said she stills wants to break up after the family vacation, she’s kinda checked out emotionally. There’s always been a thin line for her between sex and love and since our relationship has had more downs than ups lately, she just never was in the mood. Now that she’s given up on our emotional connection, when she’s horny, she just goes for it without thinking about emotional stuff.

I hope you can understand, I’m feeling confused about it myself. She said she’s waited for years for me to be more romantic, but it just never came and now she’s given up on it.

I cried a bit after we had our talk and I never cry. I’m not sure what to do next. I don’t want to break up. I want to change our relationship but I guess it’s too late. How am I supposed to have sex with her now when all I’ll be thinking during - is this the last time?

What other dads are pounding weights in the gym at 9am on a Sunday morning wishing they were pounding something else. Must be some kind of replacement therapy.

Anyone watching WL? Low-key obsessed and excited about tonight's season finale.

Back to my post lol. The scene between Chelsea and Rick when she's naked on his lap, legs wrapped around his waist and Rick cups her breast to suck them and then...well you know what's next.

I had to pause it, replayed and then cried. At 34, I realized I've never had that. Like never! Never ever! 🗣 Ever. The level of passion and intimacy.

I left my DB and trying to get back into dating but man this scene really made me realize, there are so many things I haven't tried and I so desperately want to but who knows when it'll happen. I want a loving relationship and exciting sex life.

Heard the song Coming Home by Old Dominion today and realized this what I want. I want someone excited and passionate about me. I want them “coming in hot “ just to be with me. It’s not just about sex it’s being wanted that bad. If you have not heard the song give it a listen. Oh to be wanted that bad!

So after 10 years I finally realized, my wife didnt reduce sex to a almost complete stop, cause she just doesnt like me any more, it is just what she is. It never had any priority for her and earlier in our relationship life was just less stressfull and busy (e. g no kids), therefore there were far more possible opportunities for sex (and for her every relevant condtion has to be perfectly met, to think about sex.).

And in retrospect I should have seen the signs. Our first night together we spent hours and hours kissing in bed and the next day she said that this is completly atypical for her.

In our second year on at a getaway weekend, she herself initated 3 times and believed there is something wrong with her, cause she felt horny most of the weekend. Too bad that was the only time, the rest of the relationship I was the one who had to put work into getting her into the mood

Nowadays she is dropping things in a light hearted manner like "had a realistic sex dream, guess that should be enough sex for me for the next months" or "always something getting in the way, either one of us three is sick, we are tired or I am not in the mood" (at a time were I was sick)

She did say these things in a cheerfull mood, so I now understand she just has a completly different thought process about intimacy. She can go on for months without missing it and therefore she doesnt put any energy into it, to make it happen.

I guess what I am saying is, if you cannot reduce your libido to very low levels, think about the libido of your partner, before you bind yourself. Usually the signs are there in the beginnig. In my case I belive there isnt even something that can be done. Sure I guess with talks or even couples theraphy she could force herself to think about intimacy more often, but what good would a few months do in a life time.

How do people cope with dead bedroom. I think it is easier to live as roommates at this stage. She doesn’t like sex anymore. I have tried communicating but have given up. So wondering how do people go through there normal lives without sex?

Dead bedroom for almost our whole 4 year relationship. Started after moving in together 3.5 years ago. Delusion and my own issues with sex kept me in the relationship since. I did bring it up throughout our relationship but only made it clear how serious it was to me 4 months ago. Since then I've been persistently bringing it up. We had a brief improvement on frequency of sex but I wouldnt say it was good sex. I often cried after because of negative resentment and disappointment. The last two months it's back to mostly dead.

Last night I told him I didn't feel comfortable going to his home country in a week where I'm dependent on him and have to spend all my time with his family who doesn't speak English when our relationship is insecure. We had a long discussion where I found out he cannot separate my emotions from his but he doesnt see this as a porblem (I already have trouble regulating my emotions so this really disturbs me), he cannot state what he wants without putting them on others (I.e. I think you should stay home because you would feel better but I want you to come since my family does). When I tell him hard truths about our relationship such as me not being happy and concerned we are not sexually compatible he says "I would prefer you didn't say that as it makes me feel worried."

When I told him I needed him to put in effort into the sexual side of our relationship for me to have hope that it is salvageable he told me to lower my expectations. Told him I can't and I we might be incompatible sexually but if he is willing to explore the issue with me it could turn out I'm wrong. He said he wasn't sure if he could. Told me he is afraid to have sex with me out of fear of dissapointing me. He has discussed fear of disappointing me before and despite reassurance and me telling him that ignoring it is even worse he doesnt change. I've put a lot of effort into xhanging my approach, giving him ideas on how to start out on building our sex life slowly and stress free and he doesn't follow up.

After last night I feel that I should just ask for a divorce before he leaves to be with his family. At least then he will have them for support. On the other hand, if wonder if i should wait 3 more months to see if he makes any positive changes. When he came home he had bought a book on sex though he never brought it up. Maybe he is willing to change?

I feel trapped in this marriage. Like I need to keep giving him chances to change because I married him and he is so kind and loving, and everyone thinks we are so cute and perfect together. But I am so unhappy and I have already given up 4 years for him. I don't want to be 35 and still in a sexless marriage (currently 29 but nearly 30).

Additional info: we have been doing couples counselling the past 2 months and I have my own individual therapist for my mental health problems.

Please any advice is welcome. More time or just ripping the bandaid off? Is it better to.ask for divorce before he goes this home country or should I go on the trip with him and see if it gets better?

How deep things are out of order and my flat out indifference to them until I realized how I look forward to being alone so I can rub one out.

Bedroom is on life support, on and off with lots of disappointment. I used to look forward to enjoying the marriage years…now I look forward to being able to jack off in peace.

I really don't quite understand the point. Grabbing at me, getting me riled up, anything of the sorts. Stop doing it if I'm not allowed to do it back. Stop doing it if you know you don't want anything to come of it. All you're doing is pissing me off and then you get mad that I'm grumpy. It's hard to not be grumpy when I feel like I'm an ugly, disgusting, piece of shit because my partner can't even give me more than a hug and a quick goodbye/goodnight kiss.
/End rant.

…that I need to say out loud somewhere at least, because it gets harder and harder each day to believe these things…

—Sex is very important to me.

—It’s OK to want an intimate physical connection with my monogamous partner because that’s a big part of how I give and receive love.

—Lots of long term couples do continue to share intimacy.

—Many people would love to have the things I’m rejected for in their lives.

—I can’t make the painful choices yet to change my situation for myself, but that’s what it will take.

—I deserve to be happy and fulfilled in my relationship.

That’s all for now, thanks for letting me speak to people who understand how hard life is in our situations.

✌️

I've had a lovely day out with the kids today celebrating my 40th birthday and it's 11pm the kids asleep so why am I sat here in my car radio on posting on Reddit. It comes to something when not even birthday sex is on the menu. Been together near 15 years now and the past 5 years the sex is drying up. Last year we had sex 4 times and this year once. Everytime initiated by myself. It feels like it's a chore for her. My libido is high and this is so depressing. I'm actually sickened that my only sexual release is by masterbation. I still get female attention but as much as I'm pissed off I do not want to cheat or split up. If we split I know my kids are going to be devastated but this woman is just cold. There's no affection to the point she struggles to even give a hug. I want back the woman I fell in love with but as time goes by I just don't recognize her. Feeling alone in a relationship actually sucks ass.

I never thought I would post here. I joined a while back due to my previous experience and maybe give advice. My wife every time she comes to bed she gets on her knees on the bed to pop her joints and stretch. Friday was no different. But she didn't finish her routine. As soon she got on her knees she stood up and closed the door so we could have sex. I noticed something that didn't register at the time. She rolled her eyes with out rolling her eyes. If you know what I mean. Like what she was about to do was a chore. I didn't ask or insinuate sex that evening. Not even a suggestion through out the day. We went through the motions and had our fun. She had her orgasam so did I and went to sleep.

The next day I was feeling very frisky. When she got up and put her robe on I came behind her and kissed her neck and started to feel her up. She turned around and pushed me away. She said "Calm down big boy" That's when I replayed in my head what happened last night and realized she only had sex with me just to make sure I'm "take care of" Not because she wanted to have sex or being horny.

This is not the first time I have noticed this. She just goes through the motions. I think I maybe heading to a dead bedroom. I experienced this with my ex wife. It's the main reason why we got divorced. My wife knows I got divorced due to a DB. I don't want to go through that again. I'll talk to my wife. However I know her. There will be hysterical bonding for a while. Then back to the routine. I don't think I could go through that again. I want to have sex with my wife because she wants to. Not because she feels obligated or just to keep me around.

Any advice on how to approach this is greatly appreciated.

Edit: My wife is not on any medications. She is on HRT due to menopause

As the title says, DB for a year. Wife LL. She is going on a girls trip 800 miles away with divorced friend of two years. Her friend is single. Is it normal to feel concerned she will cheat?

Would it be considered cheating for her if we haven't had sex and she had a fling?

I (31 HLM) broke up with my girlfriend (25 LLF) after a year of dead bedroom. We've been trying for the last one year and for some reason due to her anxiety and depression, she never got into the mood. I've been nudging her to try therapy. We both wanted to be together, but this is so important for me. Finally when we went for couples therapy (because I told her let's end things, I cant do it any more - she suggested why not try couples therapy once). The therapist told this is going to take a few months to fix and she needs to work on herself first due to her sudden Low Sexual Desire syndrome.

I told her I can't wait for months to see if this works or not. Told her I'm done a few days back. Dealing with the breakup is so hard though. Talk about experiencing heartbreak because of this! I never imagined. I always thought sex came easy for all.

Anyways. This space has been so helpful for me to take a decision and understand what I want and what I don't! Here's a fellow community member moving on to new chapters hopefully!