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4d ago
I’m not even high yet and I can’t comprehend this at all…
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u/topsblueby 4d ago
Traumatic brain injury turns his wife into a different person sporadically.
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u/Responsible_Plate819 3d ago
Sounds more like she isn’t the same most of the time and only turns back into herself sporadically
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u/ArticleFar2035 4d ago
His wife suffered a brain injury resulting in a changed and scattered personality that is part of who she used to be and will never fully be whole until certain days/circumstances align the stars right to bring her old self back to the surface.
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u/Best_Catch2482 4d ago
I totes got it. Pretty sad. I'm gonna smoke some pot. Listen to Jacqueline du pre'. Thinking about life on Sunday mornings. It's a vibe.
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u/GrungeCheap56119 3d ago
OP is saying the brain injury has changed this person's personality in the sense that sometimes she is "like herself" and sometimes she is "a complete stranger"
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u/PostSingle 3d ago
I’m currently high and still can’t understand! I don’t think anything can help to understand this post. 😬
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u/TRU-4-U 4d ago
Sorry to hear about this for you. Please get some therapy and find an outlet. You are no good to her or yourself if your mental and physical being are not cared for in it's totality. Your daughter needs you more now than ever as well so be reminded to take care of you so that you can continue to be there for others.
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u/P3rsonal1zed 4d ago
This!
Also, there’s so much to grieve once a permanent disability becomes part of a family’s life. Self-care also likely involves grieving what was lost before OP can be grateful for the present.
Contrary to what was stated above, TBIs don’t always get worse. I’ve seen folks improve significantly! Since OP’s wife is under regular medical care, her team presumably has some idea of her stability and prognosis.
It may be worth a second opinion, OP, if you think her medical team isn’t trying to improve things. There are so many options for types of therapy / meds.
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u/OTBbetterthanONLINE 4d ago
I don't understand. Is she the TBI-person or is it you, and you take her out drinking but you presumably don't drink? Confusing.
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u/0uchmyballs 4d ago
Maybe this is an act of creative writing? I have empathy, but I’m not sure for who 🤷♂️
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u/Suprmn76 4d ago
She has the TBI. I convinced her to stop drinking daily on the condition that we can have a treat day occasionally.
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u/OTBbetterthanONLINE 4d ago
How many years since her TBI and is she participating in any part of TBI recovery?
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u/Suprmn76 4d ago
Almost 8yrs, yes, she in in constant OP care
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u/OTBbetterthanONLINE 4d ago
Not sure what amounts to "constant OP care" other than day rehab 7 days but (with degrees of injury in mind) mine was about 13yrs ago and there are stages of recovery where, as long as the individual is looking to improve, help is possible. Glad that you helped her move away from daily drinking because that often is one of the first steps, happy too that she can still enjoy the relief that alcohol brings without it being an addiction. There's so much new and being discovered about the brain's recuperative capacity (nutrition and diet can be huge) that you need not lose hope entirely but sympathies about your needed adjustment to the "new her" for now. Best wishes.
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u/AngryAlabamian 4d ago
I had a TBI severe enough to leave me with absence seizures. I was also an alcoholic. While the head injury may have made the alcohol and mood disruptions a little worse, they were fundamentally different problems. If someone uses something like a tbi to justify their alcohol use, it’s bullshit. If they have had a severe enough brain injury for that to be a factor, alcohol at all is a no go. Alcohol is not good for TBIs. I’d get gone if I were you. She’s getting hammered (presumably on your dime) and flirting with strangers. That’s not a head injury problem. The fact she says, or even worse believes that it’s because of a medical issue shows that she can’t or won’t take responsibility for her actions so they will continue. Leave dude.
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u/pimpbot666 4d ago
I I were to use my uneducated brain to diagnose somebody across a Reddit post, I would think the TBI is causing her a lot of depression and she drinks to self-medicate and feel better about herself… and flirts to feel wanted.
Brain injuries of all kind can cause a lot of depression. I have a friend who had a random stroke in his 40s and recovered. He now suffered from some deep depression and smokes shizton of weed and drinks to try to fix it.
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u/Suprmn76 4d ago
Yes she has a history of depression and self medicating. The bubbly flirting is just a part of her personality... nothing inappropriate
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u/AngryAlabamian 4d ago
Yes. Been there done that. It sucks. But it didn’t change how it affected the other people in my life. You have a friend. I’ve lived it. Ultimately it doesn’t matter why it’s happening if it isn’t going to stop happening
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u/Suprmn76 4d ago
I agree.... except, she flirts with everyone... not in a disrespectful way... she can be very bubbly and infectious... just her personality. (Not an issue)
We always were social drinkers and would in the evenings as well. But we cut that out.
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u/I_see_something 4d ago
What is TBI?
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u/Suprmn76 4d ago
Traumatic Brain Injury
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u/C8H10N402_ 4d ago
So sorry Bro. TBI are so destructive to those who experience them and their loved ones. There's lots online groups for caregiver support. I know these groups don't fix anything, but being heard and understood is therapeutic
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u/thurgo-redberry 4d ago
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u/talithaeli 4d ago
Googling acronyms or abbreviations is rarely helpful. You have no idea whether you've found the answer relevant to your context.
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u/GrungeCheap56119 3d ago
the wife had a traumatic brain injury, and she'll never be the same person / personality again is what me means. he misses his wife, even though she is still here. she is different.
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u/UsualHour1463 4d ago
Lady here… I lost my fiance to TBI 30 years ago and it still hurts. I’m so sorry, OP. We were not married yet so I gave him back to his family to care for him. I completely understand your post.
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u/dabbydaberson 4d ago
Maybe the music had something to do with it. Is music therapy something you all have tried?
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u/Suprmn76 4d ago
Generally, it makes her agitated... but not always
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u/HiroPr0tagoni5t 3d ago
If you haven’t already you should watch the documentary ‘Alive Inside: A Story of Music and Memory’ which covers the correlation between memory and music more intimately. u/dabbydaberson’s comment reminded me of the movie, I learned about it years ago in college but had forgotten all about it up until now.
I have a friend who got severe tbi before we met in college that manifested itself years and left her immobilized. Broke my fucking heart seeing her recently; I damn near cried right in front of her when I saw she was in a wheelchair. You’re a stronger man than I am that’s for sure.
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u/apocalypticatom 4d ago
TBI’s are rough, man. I suffered one as a teen that left me half-blind with random grand mal seizures. People say my personality changed, and it took about 15 years and quitting drinking to really see all the effects I hadn’t noticed before. All the best. ✌️
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u/Wifwaf72 4d ago
Deepest sympathy, losing someone is hard once. Living with that loss on a repeated basis must be unbearable. Take care and seek support when you need it, or maybe before you need it. Don’t suffer alone, nobody can take your burden from you completely but sharing your pain will be a relief at times
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u/brieflifetime 4d ago
I've been your wife. I got better. I'm sorry she isn't. It's terribly scary to live that life. I hope you find a way to meet your needs. 🫂
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u/eirebuffalo 3d ago
This hits home as I am her. TBI, 2 brain surgeries and 180 degree change in life. As stated by someone else, I lost eye sight in an eye, my voice for 4 years and lost the ability to work. That's the hardest part. My needs are covered, not in danger of losing my home. I sometimes over a course of a few months want to be the person I was, the "Julie McCoy Cruise Director" and I do, it is an escape to allow myself to stop beating up myself. I've been therapy now for 15 years. I know my limitations and I'm not a burden to others, but sometimes I just what to escape the scrambled eggs that is my head and just reward my past. People say here no alcohol, but damnit I going to have a drink now and then, it is a not an everyday thing, but those who judge don't realize that desire to say "I'm me." is a release in being aware you know things changed. Is it a self mourning of what was? Yeah, it is because you know things are different, you miss what was and you know the fits aren't going away. Bless your daughter and bless you are there for your wife and bless your wife who déep down just wants to be her, the woman you fell for.
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u/GrungeCheap56119 3d ago
My father has a Traumatic Brain Injury, this is 100% exactly how he functioned (before he passed away). There would be lucid days, and days where he was completely gone. Some days were a mix of both. It's very similar to dementia and alzheimers in some ways. It's very sad to have someone still physically here but mentally be a different person. Lots of therapy for me about this. I wish you well - it's harder than most people will ever know, especially if they have never experience this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
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u/doc_jayhawk 3d ago
this was written beautifully brother. I'm sorry for your sadness, but I could really feel your pain through your written words.
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u/awesomesauce187 3d ago
I completely understand, my wife had a stroke at 27 and we go thru the exact same thing. I can see it in her body language and everything and it's hard cause I miss her but so very few people can truly understand what it's like.
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u/Z28Malibu4life 4d ago
I thought he finally bought a newer truck that didn't have throttle body injection = tbi.
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u/BramDeccapod 4d ago
whatever’s goin down, the booze ain’t helping
and IF she’s on meds for neurological issues, booze definitely ain’t helpin
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u/LipBalmOnWateryClay 3d ago
What is with people thinking everybody understands random acronyms these days?
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u/TVDinner360 3d ago
I’m so sorry, friend. I used to work in a brain injury unit. From one moment to the next everything can change. People who don’t understand what you wrote have no idea how lucky they are and how thin the thread is for all of us.
My heart goes out to you. I can’t imagine your pain.
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u/dankmobile 3d ago
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. My dad had a TBI about 9 years ago and recovered well but still has lasting deficits. Just wanted to flag that many TBI specialists and neurologists that he’s seen don’t recommend drinking alcohol after injury as it doesn’t promote healing and also can do further damage to brain function and also increase likelihood of seizures. Not suggesting that your wife stopping drinking would solve everything, but it may help even slightly in her recovery and healing.
That aside, I hope you can pursue some therapy or counseling. There are groups for TBI survivors and family members that my mom and I found to be helpful for coping. Just remember to take care of yourself so that you can take care of her too.
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u/Malwithans 3d ago
Good luck on your quest of finding that special someone on Craigslist personals.
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u/Suprmn76 2d ago
I can certainly understand that reaction... it took a long time to resolve myself to the idea. But my therapist was the first to have the talk...
Truth is. She's not coming back. I care for her daily, raise my kids and provide... that won't change. But I'm in my forties, have been alone for 8 yrs... "I " need that female presence. She is no longer my wife, she is unable to have a spousal relationship and frankly I'm to young to resign myself to simply fading away. I have recently begun searching for someone who exists in a situation that allows them to be sympathetic to my situation as I will be sympathetic to theirs, so that I am able to ... to some degree entertainment that side of me... selfish??? I don't know... try it sometime... you may think differently.
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u/Queasy-Shoe243 3d ago
I struggled with a similar problem after a TBI. It ruined my marriage. I left after my husband came clean about the resentment he held towards me from my TBI and that he hated me. I left 21 months after my TBI. Turns out, after two weeks away from him, I returned to myself. It’s been 6 months and I’ve stayed myself! Ironically one of the biggest leaps previously in my recovery was when I went to visit a friend for a week. I thought it was just dopamine from getting to do fun things for a week but turns out it was because I was away from my husband! I still don’t understand how not being with my husband was all I needed to heal completely and be back to my normal self, but it’s been a big factor for me to remember during the hard times of the divorce.
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u/DucinOff 3d ago
My ex suffered a TBI. She doesn't remember from 2013 to 2020. She doesn't remember our relationship. She messages me on Snapchat occasionally to ask questions about those years. I'll never forget what she did.
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u/Suprmn76 2d ago
Oh, that has to suck... sorry... I know you have to relive it over and over and her slate is "clean"
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u/Lost_Talk_1715 3d ago
Why are you trying to cheat on her after such a tragic injury?
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u/Suprmn76 2d ago
I can certainly understand that question... it took a long time to resolve myself to the idea. But my therapist was the first to have the talk...
Truth is. She's not coming back. I care for her daily, raise my kids and provide... that won't change. But I'm in my forties, have been alone for 8 yrs... "I " need that female presence. She is no longer my wife, she is unable to have a spousal relationship and frankly I'm to young to resign myself to simply fading away. I have recently begun searching for someone who exists in a situation that allows them to be sympathetic to my situation as I will be sympathetic to theirs, so that I am able to ... to some degree entertainment that side of me... selfish??? I don't know... try it sometime... you may think differently.
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u/Menckenreality 3d ago
Damn bro. I’m so sorry that you are going through this, but I am also really proud of both of you for trying to find the good parts through all the fog. It must be really jarring for both of you when she is suddenly all there. My best wishes to the both of you, I hope she is able to enjoy her life, and I hope you find peace and love in your days with her.
My favorite mantra when things get sticky is “just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.” Swim on brother.
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u/Menckenreality 3d ago
Damn bro. I’m so sorry that you are going through this, but I am also really proud of both of you for trying to find the good parts through all the fog. It must be really jarring for both of you when she is suddenly all there. My best wishes to the both of you, I hope she is able to enjoy her life, and I hope you find peace and love in your days with her.
My favorite mantra when things get sticky is “just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.” Swim on brother.
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u/avert_ye_eyes 4d ago
She really shouldn't drink after a TBI, whatsoever. My brother-in-law did, and he eventually died in his sleep at age 37 (his TBI was 10 years earlier). TBIs usually get worse over time, and alcohol speeds up the deterioration.
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u/Suprmn76 4d ago
We're working on it... it's a process... I don't have total control, she is an adult after all
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u/Flop_House_Valet 4d ago
Thats gotta be tough dude, if you can, you might need to talk to a therapist to help keep your heart and mind stable because, both of them need you. I'm married and I can't imagine how hard that's gotta be, you're a good husband and dad.
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u/OTBbetterthanONLINE 4d ago
"TBIs usually get worse over time"...no they don't. Especially not if the person is taking helpful steps to recover.
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u/avert_ye_eyes 3d ago
I'm sorry, did you have a loved one in and out of a hospital for weeks and informed by several brain experts about what to expect for their future? Even just a quick Google will tell you that yes, traumatic brain injuries do tend to worsen over time.
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u/OTBbetterthanONLINE 3d ago
There are different kinds and degrees of TBI. Many benefit and improve from therapies (physical, speech, occupational, medication, etc.) and lifestyle/diet changes as well as community support and case management services. Very severe brain injuries may show improvement on a much smaller scale and some may not improve but you saying as a general statement that TBIs "worsen over time" is just not true. Advances are being made every day that indicate that the brain has a greater capacity for self-repair and recovery than previously thought.
And yes, I was actually the one in the hospital hearing from experts and in those rehab therapies that I described, as well as weekly meetings with a neuropsychologist, initially helping me adapt to the "new me" but over time and with continued therapy and day-to-day changes I've moved forward significantly, somewhere between that "new me" and who I used to be but better and better now 13yrs later.
I can sympathize that your own circumstances were different.
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u/Bucky_Dennis 1d ago
I fear that this will be my fate one day. I feel memories of my past slipping and former experiences blurred or non existent. I experienced a TBI back in 2018 when someone decided to run me over and leave me for dead. Luckily, or maybe unfortunately, I survived. I suffered nearly 35 broken bones and scrambled innards. At times I feel like a husk. A former body capable of many different things. Now I feel like a broken burden to all that I hold dear. Each year I feel less of my self and more of an evaporating haze. Idk how much longer I can remain myself, and if ever I get lost. I’d hope that I would just physically disappear as to not burden those who have done so much for me.
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