Malicious compliance in response to weaponized incompetence

[u/snickerdoodlesrule]

Okay, I’m new to the page! I want to hear all of your stories or moments of malicious compliance in marriage.

Mine is when I asked my husband to move money from another shared bank account to our checking for bills. You guessed it, he didn’t move the money. This was the 3rd time that he “forgot about it” and I was tired of asking. I watched our checking account go into the negatives/ with overdraft fees. I confronted him and he said that I didn’t tell him which account, but we only have one main account for both of us to pay bills from. The account is connected to our debit cards!

The next day he went for lunch at chipotle. As he was checking out he realized that he didn’t have cash or money on his debit card. He called me at least 5 times asking me to transfer money, since I was near the bank that day. I did transfer money, but not to the account with the debit card, because he didn’t say which account 😉

We haven’t had any problems with him transferring money, since.

Edit: We share all of our bank accounts. I crunch the numbers and can’t always be responsible for budgeting and going to the bank/ doing transfers!

[u/snickerdoodlesrule]

Online transfer works in the states but I’m not going to set it up for him. If he wants to set it up, then great. I even told him about that option years ago.

My point was that I’m not spoon feeding my husband. He has his responsibilities and I have mine.

[u/nonbinaryunicorn → u/snickerdoodlesrule]

I'm very confused. Your bank doesn't have an app?

Mine does. I use the same bank I had as a child even though the nearest branch is a 14 hours drive away.

[u/computergreenblue → u/nonbinaryunicorn]

The bank has an app, the husband just doesn't use it.

[u/Enough-Whereas-2377 → u/snickerdoodlesrule]

Soooo…you’d rather pay outrageous bank fees, effectively throwing money away? That’s smart. 🤦‍♀️

[u/snickerdoodlesrule → u/Enough-Whereas-2377]

It’s also his money being wasted. Lessons have to be learned. Clearly, not being able to afford chipotle worked 😂

[u/CovfefeForAll → u/snickerdoodlesrule]

To each their own but I personally find it wild that people can consider their finances this separately when married. Like, if my partner's money was being wasted this way, even if from a separate account, I'd be stressing about their money being wasted. And I get you've probably tried before to get him to care, but I personally would not be able to just sit by and let money evaporate like that. Like, being this bad with money would be a dealbreaker for me.

[u/ActOdd8937 → u/CovfefeForAll]

And that's exactly how weaponized incompetence works--just get your partner agitated because you're a fuckup so they do everything for you.

[u/CovfefeForAll → u/ActOdd8937]

Which is why I said this would be a dealbreaker for me. OP seems to think there are only 2 options to her husband's weaponized incompetence: do it for him, or let him piss away money that could be used to make both their lives better. There's a third option, and I know it's cliche to say it from such a small glimpse of their lives, but yeah, I could not live with a partner who was either this maliciously incompetent, who cared so little for what I said, or who was this bad with money. But OP seems pretty clueless too, so maybe they're well-matched...

[u/ActOdd8937 → u/CovfefeForAll]

I have never mingled finances with anyone and I never will either. I work hard for my money and I manage it well and nobody is gonna mess with it. Even when I had a partner who was even better with money than I was, still didn't add him to my accounts although he did add me to his because I'm way better at shopping than he was so he preferred to have me handle all that.

[u/CovfefeForAll → u/ActOdd8937]

I get that attitude too. I wasn't advocating for "mix all finances or else your marriage is doomed", I was just pointing out that if my partner was as bad about money as OP's husband, I don't think I could stay with them, because I'd see them wasting all that money constantly and it would eat me up, probably partially because like you, I'm very responsible with my money, and being as bad as OP's husband with money would be a basic value mismatch.

[u/ActOdd8937 → u/CovfefeForAll]

I think I would have figured it out before it got serious and yeah, I wouldn't marry someone who's either that dumb or that careless with money. People like that make people all around them end up homeless and who needs that shit?

[u/CovfefeForAll → u/ActOdd8937]

Agreed.

[u/Enough-Whereas-2377 → u/snickerdoodlesrule]

Stupid is as stupid does, I guess.

[u/snickerdoodlesrule → u/Enough-Whereas-2377]

Yes, I’m stupid for expecting my partner to hold equal responsibilities in my marriage. I love the expectation that women are to do everything and when things don’t go well we are blamed for failure of said things.

Kindness goes a long way 🩷

[u/Enough-Whereas-2377 → u/snickerdoodlesrule]

Sure, I’m being sexiest, lmao!! If you were a man, I’d say the same thing. A simple, “We’re about to go into the negative if you don’t transfer money.” or “Crap! We’re in the negative, you need to transfer it now, like I’ve told you 4 times already.” Sitting and watching bank fees pile up is just not logical, imo. But I guess if you’re made of money, why should you worry about little things like that. This is willful ignorance, not malicious compliance.

[u/Gamyeon → u/Enough-Whereas-2377]

She literally told him about it:

I watched our checking account go into the negatives/ with overdraft fees. I confronted him and he said that I didn’t tell him which account, but we only have one main account for both of us to pay bills from.

It's not just having to be responsible to remind him constantly, it's the weak excuse he gave her that he didn't know which account.

It still shouldn't have been her responsibility to be the panic alarm for him because he couldn't be bothered to do the transfer until it actually inconvenienced him.

[u/Flon_with-a-boxer → u/Enough-Whereas-2377]

I'm sure she never ever before ever tried your approach. Didn't even enter her mind, she just went straight to the worse option. The world is full of us petty stupid people, giod thing we have reasonable people telling us we must just repeat the same thing over and over and over and then eventually do it ourselves, this always works.

[u/Sigwynne → u/Enough-Whereas-2377]

Wow. Three comments and not one nice thing to say in any of them.

[u/Jmkott → u/Enough-Whereas-2377]

Education is not always free.

It was a one time cost in bank fees for him to learn his lesson.

Obviously, over drafting every month would be insane, but sadly many people only learn through pain.

[u/Enough-Whereas-2377 → u/Jmkott]

I agree with what you say. The OP said she “watched our checking account go into the negatives/with overdraft fees,” so it looks like she was letting things pile up to prove her point. Wasting money is just silly to me. I guess it’s not to all of those who downvoted me.