Malicious compliance in response to weaponized incompetence

[u/snickerdoodlesrule]

Okay, I’m new to the page! I want to hear all of your stories or moments of malicious compliance in marriage.

Mine is when I asked my husband to move money from another shared bank account to our checking for bills. You guessed it, he didn’t move the money. This was the 3rd time that he “forgot about it” and I was tired of asking. I watched our checking account go into the negatives/ with overdraft fees. I confronted him and he said that I didn’t tell him which account, but we only have one main account for both of us to pay bills from. The account is connected to our debit cards!

The next day he went for lunch at chipotle. As he was checking out he realized that he didn’t have cash or money on his debit card. He called me at least 5 times asking me to transfer money, since I was near the bank that day. I did transfer money, but not to the account with the debit card, because he didn’t say which account 😉

We haven’t had any problems with him transferring money, since.

Edit: We share all of our bank accounts. I crunch the numbers and can’t always be responsible for budgeting and going to the bank/ doing transfers!

[u/Alarmed-Ride1719]

My partner wouldn’t move the clothes to the dryer (I separated the clothes, put them in the washer, started the washer, pulled clothes out of the dryer and folded them, and put the clothes away). After a long time of me harping on him he decided that we should do our own laundry. Cue malicious compliance, someone rarely has clean underwear and I still refuse to do his laundry even when it piles up and he complains about not having clean clothes.

[u/Derpy_Diva_ → u/Alarmed-Ride1719]

My husband used to insist he cleaned more than I did (spoiler: he absolutely did not) so when I’d get on him he’d throw out ‘how about you take care of yourself and I’ll take care of me??’ When I told him for the 600th time to put his laundry in the hamper. So I did. I only cleaned my dishes. Didn’t touch his bathroom, and didn’t touch his laundry. After 3 weeks it turned into ‘if you’re doing your stuff why aren’t you doing mine??’. After the explanation of how the situation came about he started doing his own chores and even started helping with mine. He honestly didn’t realize how much work him just existing is because he’s always had roommates to pick up the slack.

[u/Alarmed-Ride1719 → u/Derpy_Diva_]

My partner never lived alone whereas I have so I’m use to having to do everything for myself, I don’t mind doing more household chores but if he can’t help with the bare minimum then that is where I draw the line just like with the laundry

[u/lizardking073 → u/Alarmed-Ride1719]

I think this concept of people having lived alone has at least some effect on the chores issue. I lived alone for years, and I'm just used to doing things myself. I think if you live with roommates, you always have a "someone else can do it" out in the back of your head

[u/Alarmed-Ride1719 → u/lizardking073]

Yeah I had a roommate for a couple of years but we cleaned our own things but then I lived on my own for 2ish years before I lived with my partner. He has always lived with a partner or his parents so he has a total different perspective of how to live compared to me

[u/sephraes → u/lizardking073]

Unless you're the someone else who does it.

[u/Aslanic → u/Alarmed-Ride1719]

My husband had to be self sufficient when he moved out for college and as a result he does just take care of a lot of things around the house. I did too, but growing up I always had chores and helped with laundry and cleaning etc. where he didn't have to until he moved out. I do my share too but our jobs are different levels of exhausting so he does more than 50% in our house I feel like (he legit browses reddit at work like half the day some days at his work, I squeeze in a break some days).

His brother, on the other hand, took about 10 years to go through college for a 4 year degree, and has mostly lived at home as he failed classes his second semester living away from home. He hardly ever cleans or takes out the garbage or anything. He's almost 30 now and it's like he's still a teenager, with mommy and daddy still cleaning up after him. He works but I don't think it's full time yet because he really struggled to find a job after college.

[u/BubblebreathDragon → u/Derpy_Diva_]

While I get where you're coming from, that's a lot of work to avoid talking it out. I hope your marriage has gotten healthier since.

[u/abishop711 → u/BubblebreathDragon]

Do you honestly think that at no point in the 600 times he was told that there was any attempt to communicate?

Honestly? It’s really old and tired that the constant response to these kinds of situations is cOmMuNiCaTe as if that hasn’t obviously already been done. It’s a kind of victim blaming, where it’s the victim’s fault for just not talking about it enough or in the right way. At a certain point, can we just start expecting partners to be a fully functional adult?

[u/Derpy_Diva_ → u/BubblebreathDragon]

Oh I tried. With the help of a therapist. I chose the nuclear option when he just couldn’t fathom how much work he creates. He just forgot I wasn’t going to clean up after him after telling him that which was where the animosity came. We’re better now, not perfect but therapy helps.

[u/babythumbsup → u/BubblebreathDragon]

Wait until I tell you how conversations go when both people believe they're in the right

[u/C0ugarFanta-C → u/BubblebreathDragon]

This is a dumb response. They've obviously talked it out hence why the man was arguing he did more work than she did. Please stop jumping onto post like this and trying to blame it on lack of communication. And by the way, why does a grown adult have to be told to clean them after themselves? Are you telling me men don't know they have to clean up unless they're told? Are you children?