just looking for some support i guess. like i said, i’m really struggling. i’m 24, lost my first pregnancy at 9w, it was planned. husband & i were so excited, would’ve been our first. we went in at 8w for my first ultrasound, everything was okay, heart rate was 162. 10 days later, we went back, found no heart beat, & a fluid filled sack on baby’s neck. we barely made it through that appt. i had a d&c this past wednesday, 4/2. we’re waiting for genetic testing results on the fetus. some days i’m okay, others i’m in a dark place. i can’t eat, i can’t sleep. i can’t breathe. i feel like a failure of a woman. i can’t help but blame myself even though i did everything right. we’re gonna try again but i’m so scared to, part of me doesn’t even want to try again. i’m holding on to the thought of being someone’s mom & crossing that threshold into motherhood & how it means so much to me. i prayed so much for a healthy baby just to be met with this outcome. having to go through this sucks so bad. especially when everyone around me is pregnant, my bestfriend & i were 3 weeks apart in pregnancy. i can’t stand the stupid look of pity everyone gives me, i can’t stand hearing “it wasn’t your time, it wasn’t meant to be.” or “everything happens for a reason.” i just want my baby back. i want everything to be okay. i want that cloud 9 feeling back. idk what to do.

My husband and I lost our son two weeks ago at 36 weeks. We went in for decreased fetal movement and there was no heartbeat. This was after a perfect pregnancy and lots of kicks the night before. The doctors don’t think we will ever find answers as to why this happened. This pregnancy was after a first trimester miscarriage and we have no living children.

My mind is swirling with thoughts, emotions, and questions. I was hoping some of you who have also been through this horrible experience may have some insight and/or answers to any of the things I’ve been struggling with.

1. Do you/did you ever feel like you were forgetting or not honoring your child when you had an okay moment or day? I’m starting to have good stretches of time now and I feel like I’m healing too fast or being too happy and feel extremely guilty. Almost like if I’m not actively mourning him, he doesn’t exist anymore. Is there such a thing as healing too fast?

2. Do you/did you ever feel some strange type of anger towards your child? I know he didn’t choose this and deep down I don’t think the anger is really pointed at him but I can’t help but think things like “why did you have to die?” and “now this has to be a part of my life story forever, I wish it never happened.” The first question makes me feel like I’m angry with him and the second makes me feel like I’m wishing he never existed or that he wasted nine months of our lives. That sounds so horrible out loud and even when I think it I’m horrified.

3. If you had a child after your loss, did you find peace with the fact that it wasn’t the child you had lost? We want to have children here on Earth with us eventually but no matter how much time we take to heal before we try again, I’m afraid some part of me will always wish it was him. I don’t know if I’ll be as happy if we have a girl next just because in my mind we were having a boy. And I saw my boy. He was beautiful. I’m even afraid I’ll be upset seeing a different baby play with all the toys I bought for him and be in his perfectly designed nursery. Did you change your nursery theme? Is this just a fear I’m having because the future baby isn’t a reality yet so I don’t have a concrete new person to love?

Thank you so much if you answer any of these questions, I know they are long and messy but they are just what my mind has been grappling with. I went to a support group with my husband but seeing people going through the same depth of grief we are in without any guidance or answers didn’t help us much. We would love to hear from those who have been through this and have a bit more healing and understanding on the other side of things. ❤️

Lost my son in January at 18 weeks due to short cervix and just started to try again. It took 2.5 years to conceive my son and just super scared that I will be waiting that long again. Honestly just traumatised and also still grieving and wanting some positive stories on how long it took.

Your celebration of life was today. So many people came to honour you. Their hugs and tears helped to patch our aching hearts. You had a gorgeous memory table that my friends made with photos of you, photos of your ultrasounds, and bump photos. We displayed the baby blankets people had made for you, and your toys. Your grandparents stood up and spoke through their tears. Daddy and I had a long time alone with you in private where we told you how much we love you and how we live for you and your memory. We promised this isn’t goodbye, it was just a necessary step in your journey. We will still visit you all the time, talk to you, and throw you the best birthday parties. We love you, honey. You can rest easy now. 🩷👼🦋🌈

It’s been a little over 2 months, our baby boy was born still full-term. Our friends are having a baby next week. I told my husband I don’t want to see pictures of the baby, I don’t even want to know his name. I definitely don’t want to meet him.

My husband is respectful, but it’s hard that he processes so differently. He is able to separate it, for him, the randomness of our loss is a comfort, that it was nothing we did wrong and that it just happened - a freak accident. For me, the randomness is what angers me. Why us? We didn’t do anything wrong. Our friends didn’t even ever want children and just decided to”why not?!”

My other close friends had their baby 3 days before us. They were still in the hospital when we found out our baby died. Their baby came early, he should have been born two weeks after ours. It’s a horrible thought that I keep thinking their baby took our babies place. I know that makes no sense, but my anger is just so intense towards the injustice of it all, and I feel very alone in it.

How were you around 2 months after your loss? I have ok days, but still cry daily. I sometimes worry that I am behind and should be in a better place by now.

We are preparing for a short vacation to the mountains for a couple days. We'll be celebrating baby's due date, even though she never actually would have restated to full term. We planned to induce at 38 weeks.

Well, here we are 40 weeks, and I'm feeling so many feelings I didn't expect.

I am angry and bitter today. I'm jealous and mean. I'm full of hateful thoughts and hard wishes. I'm not feeling like myself. I want to punch people. I want to run away and never come back. I want things to be different.

Once we come back from this little vacation, I know people are going to expect me to be "better" and "over it." It's been described as an opportunity for a fresh start and that I'm a new me, and going forward things will be different (for the better.)

I just miss the happy, relatively naive, and hopeful me I was 6 months ago. I miss being my daughter's Mama. I miss my baby SO MUCH!

I'M SCARED of so much, now.

Help me, friends. I need some love and support today. I need to be reminded of how to be me (kind, compassionate, empathetic.) I need to know I'll be OK, even if I'm never me again.

Anyone else feel anxious that they are running out of time? Is there anyone out there who is also 38+ and lost their first child? How are you keeping hope?

Time is strange. When you’re in the middle of going through hell, time seems to come to a standstill. You feel trapped and lost within the grief. It seems never ending.

One day though, without even realizing it time begins to move forward. It’s slow at first. You begin to smile more and laugh more. Suddenly, you’re having days where you are not lost in grief.

Time starts to move faster and you blink and one year has passed. You blink again and now it’s two years.

Two years ago today I lost my son. I was in the stages of pushing him out of my body with the knowledge he was already gone. The grief that I felt at that time felt eternal. It felt like it would never end, and I would be forever stuck with the horrible feeling of grief and despair.

At first, I had to force myself to move. I had to force myself to smile. Not just for myself, but for the sake of my family. Months started to pass and the smiles started to become genuine. Grief started to recede.

Like I said at the beginning, time felt like it was at a standstill, but now time has flown by. Two years ago today I was lost in grief, but flash forward to today and I’m sitting in the parents lounge of my daughter’s dance class typing this as I bounce my teething 4 1/2 month old son on my knee.

There are days where I fantasize about a perfect world where I had Irish twins. I’m quickly brought back to reality with the knowledge that had I not had my loss two years ago, I would not have my son in my lap right now. It’s a heavy thought to have. I have to remind myself that the past is the past. Nothing that we can do will change it.

As time goes forward, we must honor our heavenly angels with living our best lives now. That’s what I’m doing. I’m living. My heavenly son will always be with me.

Remember that being happy does not mean you are forgetting. Don’t feel guilty for living.

The last few days have been difficult and upsetting. Two days ago a bird fell into our chimney. I've no way of getting it out. The fireplace is bricked around a fitted gas fire with copper pipes so no way to move it. The bird has three stories worth of chimney to climb to get out of it's even smart enough to try. Can hear it squeaking and scrabbling on the back of the fire. It's going to die in there and theres nothing I can do about it.

Today found a blackbird egg on the driveway, could only have been there max 20mins, no damage at all. Got it into the conservatory where it's very warm and spent most of the afternoon hunting for nests. Found 3 old nests, nothing current. The sun is starting to go down now and nature is going to take it's course with this egg too.

It feels so frigging helpless sometimes. I know these two birds are nothing compared to what we've all lost, but I very much would have wanted them to survive if I could have done something. Life is cruel today.

TW: Stillbirth .

I'm getting ready to have my 21 week stillborn baby. I haven't felt her move since Wednesday and an ultrasound confirmed no heartbeat yesterday. I feel so guilty, all she ever felt from me was regret. I was so sick this pregnancy and really struggled. I also believe I developed a pretty severe case of prenatal depression. I ahve lupus and hashimotos and a million other autoimmune issues. I wasn't ready for another child. I didnt want more kids. This was going to be our last baby. I already had a C- section scheduled and to remove my tube's so I never had to worry about an accidental pregnancy again. I cried and cried the entire time i was pregnant. My husband and I were fighting the last day I felt her and I told him having kids was the worst thing we could have done for our marriage. In my head I thought "why do I have to have you? Why couldn't i have miscarried you in the first trimester?" And then she did. She died. 😭 I feel like the worst person on the planet. I didn't mean these things, I was just angry at the situation. I would give anything to have her back 😭

The anatomy ultrasound at 18 weeks showed a 2cm cyst on the umbilical cord right where it enters her belly button and showed the amniotic sack never fused completely. The doctors are pretty sure the cyst was the cause of death, they think she was no longer getting blood flow or nutrients because she stopped growing a week ago, although she was moving up until Wednesday. The last time I felt her she was going crazy and now I can't help but think she was feeling pain/struggling. Those were my babies last movements.

I'm devastated. I can't believe she's gone inside of me. I can't believe I will have to give birth and not hear her cry. I can't believe I will have to take her home in a box to have her cremated. I can't believe I will have to explain to my 3 year old that his sister went to heaven. My body is preparing for labor. I am currently very crampy, in and out of the bathroom and can't sleep.

I don't know how I'm going to do this. I don't know how I will ever get through this guilt. I will forever have a hole in my heart and my family. I don't deserve it, but please pray for us.

Dear Harper,

I can't believe it's been one year. One year since my life was turned upside down. One year since I lost you. One year since I lost myself. I don't know how time has gone by so slowly yet so quickly at the same time. It is so unfair. You should be here, with me and your daddy. I just want to disappear from this earth and be with you. I have no purpose here. Life is so cruel. There is no pain like this. But the pain is there because of the immense love bursting out of my heart for you. Grief is love with nowhere to go. You are up there in the sky my angel, and I am stuck here with all this love for you. I know you wouldn't want me to give up on life and to find happiness in some way. It's just so hard to be hopeful. I love you so much my baby girl. Thank you for choosing me. Even though you are not physically with me, I know you are always here. You've taught me so much in your brief life. Happy 1st heavenly birthday my angel. Thank you for making me a mum. For that, I will always be grateful.

In our culture, some believe that loved ones that pass come visit us in the form of butteflies.

I don't know how much I believed in this but, recently, There have been two beautiful butterflies living in our stairwell. Yesterday one of them circled around my husband as he went to work and it sat by our door the whole afternoon. Before that there would be 2 birds that often came by our window after they passed...

I don't know if it's them, but I want to hope that maybe, just maybe they don't hate us and that they're not mad at us...

I love you my little ones, I miss you every minute I live in this life.

It’s my baby’s celebration of life tomorrow. I’m nervous. I’m sad. I’m not ready to say goodbye. I’m scared of seeing everyone, and how I’m going to feel. I want someone to wake me up from this nightmare.

Please give me a time machine. Or a genie, I only need 1 wish. Give the rest away. Take out all my organs, I only need my arms. Take everything I have to give. And take a little more. Take my whole damn soul away just let me hold her one more time.

It's been about three months and almost all of my time is spent trying to gain some strength back and going to appointments. Emdr, cardiologist, hematologist, obgyn, psychiatrist, untreated sleep apnea... It's so much. I feel like it would be worth it if my baby was here with me. And of course I would do it all over again for those four precious days. I wish I hadn't been so sick those four days and could have spent more time with him.

I was on bed rest 41 days, c section under general, Owen was born at 30 weeks. I miss him so much and I'm so frustrated with my body. My doctors are still trying to help me with the blood clots, the heart stuff, the trauma therapy, trying to gain some kind of endurance again, and trying to adjust to the horrible CPAP. It's so hard not to be frustrated.

I had a TFMR at 13 weeks on March 20th and I am back at work now, but I am really struggling to care about my job: complete tasks, listen in meetings etc and taking on feedback for my work is almost making me angry? This is a stark difference to how I was pre-pregnancy.

How long did it take you to adapt back to everyday life and start caring/finding meaning in your work again?

I had twins in January and unfortunately one passed away. I just feel like I don’t fit in anywhere any of the therapy groups any of anything. I also have this guilt almost like I can’t join groups whom only lost a singleton because I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable by saying I have a living baby still if that makes sense. I’ve joined fb groups for twinless twins but for some reason still feel unwelcomed. I just feel so lost like I’m in limbo, having lost a baby but still have a living one. I’m stuck between grieving one and celebrating the milestones of the other. I don’t exactly know what I’m looking for. I’m sorry…

Today me and my husband attended our first support group after the death of my daughter three years ago (she was still born). It felt really good to hear from other people who are in my same situation, but at the same time, it was really hard to see other moms who were in the thick of it and still postpartum. It really brings me back to the days, when I first had her, I’m glad I’m making progress though. I want to be a part of society for so long I feel I’ve been a drag on my husband my grief never letting him have peace or myself either I feel like a part of me died with Andrea the part of me that changed and will always be wondering about her and my life as her mother, If I’m alone I’m constantly thinking about her or I break down and cry over any small trigger. I hold a lot of resentment for the early days when we were young and my husband didn’t know how to handle me being pregnant/being out of state and what subsequently happened after; I try not to hold it against him since we have obviously come along way, but sometimes it does get really hard, especially if I’m trying to vent to him and I don’t feel that I can truly pour everything out and have to sensor certain areas of my grief as to not make him uncomfortable.

I shared Emma Grace’s story here earlier but my daughter was stillborn 40+3 on my induction day after they kept pushing my induction back. I called the hospital to request a meeting. We are meeting with the vice president of the hospital and the director of labor and delivery next Friday. I am going to make them hear Emma’s story and advocate for them to put more resources into labor and delivery to accommodate inductions so what happened to my baby doesn’t happen to someone else. I’m fighting for you Emma.

Yesterday I came to the hospital at 37+6 for decreased fetal movement where it was confirmed that baby boy had no heartbeat anymore. We had an appointment on Monday and all was fine and movement was good Tuesday. It was just so sudden. We have 2 kiddos already but this was the pregnancy after our miscarriage in July. Going from the miscarriage to now this loss is devastating. I'm currently still in the hospital being induced hoping to make some progress as we continue on. I just feel lost at this point as I keep asking myself why. My hospital has been very kind and helpful but it's still difficult to process

Last week I lost my baby girl. I found out near the end of my 17th week so I was induced 18 weeks. I hmguess she passed near the end of her 16th week. Its been so long to get to this point. Twin 6 week mc 2023 blighted ovum Nov2023. We were so excited to be pregnant in Dec. We were just about to tell people so I don't know if it's easier or harder that no one knows, other than our pastor who did the service for her. We thought we were in the clear. Now I just think of all the plans we had and how excited we were. I dont know if our fertility clinic will want to keep working with us. They won't talk about making a plan until after I have healed. I have no energy and just sit all day I'm so broken and I hate waking up every morning knowing shes gone. I just want to see a way through this dark time. I have older kids who have needs as well. I need to parent them the way they deserve. Right now my husband has taken on all the load. I am so sick of being sad all the time.

How long did it take you after your loss to retrieve a libido and be active with your partner?

I was on bedrest prior to my loss so it's been 3 months since we last did anything, and I am worried we will just forget how to do it, or that my partner will not like my changed body. But then it somehow feels disrespectful or rude to the baby to want intimacy "too soon"?

I had a TFMR in 2023 at 21+1 due to Turner’s Syndrome (Monosomy X). Waited 1.5 years to try again because of wedding planning. Had a chemical our first cycle trying, most likely because I got norovirus. Got pregnant our second cycle and now I’m having a miscarriage at 7 weeks. After my first two losses I felt so determined to keep fighting to have a child. Now I just feel so defeated and cursed. When does it end? Is it even possible for me to have a living child? I know I should feel more grateful that we don’t struggle to conceive but it’s so hard to have nothing to show for it. I’m going in tomorrow to have the miscarriage confirmed (I’m bleeding heavily and progesterone is 4.5ng/mL so, not much hope). Does anyone know what the next steps are in terms of follow ups and making sure the miscarriage completes itself?

After this many losses should we be getting investigative testing done? Is there even anything they can do? I’ll ask my doctor about when we can TTC again but I’m so scared. Any advice about anything in my post would be greatly appreciated. So sorry we’re all here ❤️

Since we’re all in this awful club together, I thought I’d share something I’ve been working on for a few months. I’ve compiled a playlist in honor of my baby as a way of organizing and externalizing my experience. Sharing here in case any of you are inclined to listen to it. If you do, please let me know you did and whether any moments stand out to you. 💛

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2AuVtOxgK5QyZMfo19ZSkp?si=wp5_1NQpRg2C1ImSiFcLRQ&pi=vBTSI0rCTpSCl

My son’s name and story are often represented in the song choices. Shiloh means “place of peace,” and early June is when we had expected to bring him home. Instead he was born at 21 weeks on the last day of January.

TW: occasional religious themes. I understand that’s not for everyone, so if that’s not your jam there are still plenty other pieces in there that may resonate.

I lost my baby a week ago and am struggling to understand the “how”. I may never really know but I want to share my baby girl’s case in hopes of finding some answers from parents who may have had a similar situation/timeline.

My daughter was born nearly a month ago at 38 weeks 5 days. Pregnancy was normal. Baby girl was kicking and hiccuping as her two siblings have done before her. She was delivered vaginally with no complication. We were discharged 24 hours later and she passed all her baby tests. Compared to her two siblings, she was a different baby. Though she looked healthy with a nice color to her skin, she was my sleepiest baby and never really had a strong appetite nor a strong suck. I often had to make her cry so she’d open her mouth big enough just to latch her properly. She would fall asleep on the breast and we’d have to really poke and bother her to get her to keep eating. If she had it her way, she could easily go 6+ hours without eating but of course we woke her up every 2.5-3 hours to feed. I always had plenty of milk for her to drink but she would not empty the breast. I often had to pump some milk out because I was engorged and needed relief. She hardly cried for food. She saw her pediatrician a week later. Other than the excessive sleepiness and extra effort to get her to feed, whenever she was awake, she was alert and looked around the room and at people. I continued to increase her feeding intake by using a nipple shield (since she kept falling off the breast). While at the doctor’s, she was at the lowest acceptable weight so we really tried to increase her feeding doing all the things such as diaper changes, changing her outfit, poking and tickling her. The doctor told us to come back after trying to feed her some more to get her back to birth weight. We also supplemented with a formula in a bottle, but it would take frequent feedings to get her to eat 1 oz. Three days after meeting with the pediatrician, which was a Saturday, my baby girl did an unusual thing… when her 5yo brother had slammed a door shut, my baby girl woke up from a nap and screamed, made a facial grimace… so I picked her up and it seemed like she stopped breathing for a second before she started to coo and then regained composure. I thought she was startled by my son, but in hindsight it might have been her first seizure. She didn’t have a temperature and it just happened once. Shortly after on the same day, she started having gas pains where she would tense her body and then a big burp would come out and then she would relax her body. This happened frequently at night, but went away the next day. Sunday was a normal day. Come Monday afternoon, my baby girl started getting gas pains again and did not poop for 24 hours. I then got her gas drops and probiotics the next morning and it seemed to briefly relieve her symptoms. She did a couple big farts and two big poops… but it didn’t stop the gas. That night we took her to the ER because her breathing started to change and she started having seizures. They admitted her to the NICU, tested her blood and found E Coli in her blood. They put her on antibiotics, strong anti-seizure meds as well as a few other things to keep her vitals stable. In the end, the E Coli was in her brain and her body started to shut down and she passed away 5 days after we admitted her.

It all happened so fast and we are so heartbroken. We are getting an autopsy done of her brain to see if there were any problems with her neurologically because she was so excessively sleepy and demonstrated an overall lack of appetite despite us trying our best to up her food intake. We wonder if she had E. Coli from the beginning and if this was a late onset. The neonatologist doesn’t think so, because he said E Coli makes itself known really fast…. He said if she were to have E. coli at birth, she would have been really sick at birth… but he did find it strange that she was so sleepy and was a poor feeder from the beginning and thinks there might have been something neurologically wrong. I’m just trying to make sense of what happened while we’re waiting on the autopsy results, which may or may not shed more light. Thank you for your time.

Edit to add: what I think was the first seizure ever may have occurred on day 14 after birth. She was admitted early morning day 17, and passed on day 22.