One of the most powerful descriptions of suicide I've ever read. David Foster Wallace - Infinite Jest

[u/[deleted]]

"The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling."

[u/neutronstarneko]

My husband killed himself 5 months ago, tough read, but certainly sums up how I am sure he must have felt. Poor guy.

[u/WonderCounselor → u/neutronstarneko]

Sorry for your loss.

[u/gcbeehler5 → u/neutronstarneko]

I cannot imagine the pain you have gone through. I sincerely hope he found the peace he sought and that you're able to make peace with his passing.

[u/neutronstarneko → u/gcbeehler5]

I am just trying not to think about it as much as possible I suppose right now. I process it in tiny bursts. I have stopped living really. I am in limbo as not only the emotional side feels stuck but the grinding machinery of estate management kicks in. Everything is in slow motion so I try to distract myself as best I can, with what little I have left of myself, or as I become someone else.

Having no faith in an afterlife I have no fear that he is continuing on watching how much damage he caused, but then I also have no hope that we will be reunited. Life is all there is.

[u/RyeRoen → u/neutronstarneko]

I can't imagine your pain. But I also can't read this without saying; if you need to vent or whatever you can PM me and I'm sure many others in this thread.

[u/neutronstarneko → u/RyeRoen]

Thanks. Its obviously awful but as I say I try not to think about it too much. Worse happens at sea and all that. I suppose the thing thats most frightening is the thought of 'how long does this go on for?' and of course 'how can I trust anyone ever again?'

There is a lot to the story of course but I am pretty good at compartmentalising things. If I had any belief that me dying would allow me to see him again I would die in an instant, but I don't believe that. I think the best thing I can do is keep living, that way hope keeps me going. Hope that I can be happy again one day, if I die then that's that and it's an end to suffering, and an end to hope. All that said I am having elective surgery soon and my greatest wish is to die on the operating table.

The internet can be a cruel place but I know it's also a great way to connect to others and, as you say, vent a little.

[u/RyeRoen → u/neutronstarneko]

I have had two acquaintances in my life kill themselves. One was a girl I sat next to in Biology. I always found her pretty annoying, but we had a good laugh sometimes. Then one day after October break I found out she had killed herself. It really affected me and Biology wasn't quite the same again.

And then another was just a few months ago. She was my flatmate. Found dead in her room. That affected me a lot as well, to the point that I wasn't able to stay in that flat even weeks after it happened.

I barely knew these people and they had an awful effect on me. So I can't imagine losing someone you are intimately close with. I often think that maybe I could have helped either of them, but I'm able to separate myself from it because, again, neither of them were really friends. Just people I knew.

But you don't have that luxury. I can't imagine. I'm so sorry.