One of the most powerful descriptions of suicide I've ever read. David Foster Wallace - Infinite Jest

[u/[deleted]]

"The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling."

[u/Blind_Sypher]

I think your lacking insight on something fundamental about depression. Depressed people lack the drive to do anything. Its easy to suggest they should do something wild and crazy if theyre gonna go out anyways, but its the apathy and aversion to life and any activity that drives people to do it. Its a much deeper problem then not getting out enough.

[u/[deleted] → u/Blind_Sypher]

Yeah, I read that and just felt... empty. No. I won't do any of those things. If I had a care free attitude I wouldn't even be here.

[u/Theonethatgotherway → u/[deleted]]

Agreed. But here is where we diverge. Yea I can't imagine anything but sitting in bed all day and waiting to feel better. Something anything. Then i have to pee. Getting up to pee becomes the enemy. Daunting. Literally getting up to pee is the equivalent of booking a ticket to mexico with the last of my savings($324) and calling an uber to the airport. Its the first step. Any step is impossible. But taking it is all the same to me at that point. What /u/nostalgichero is saying is that if it's all the same, " here dobthis thing instead." everything's made up and the points don't matter. It's all impossible from where I'm sitting. Robot mode is robot mode. If you can muster the strength to program in bathroom or feeding mode, do mexico mode instead. Nothing to lose.

Edit: after reflecting im realizing that the original statement is in reference to the suicidal and not the depressed. Having been both there is a huge difference. The point still stands, but is much easier as a suicidal person as you have already made the decision and enacted something drastic. Whereas a depressed person has not yet reached that level of desperation. All I'm saying is: you're going to kill yourself: do something else just as alienating and drastic. You cannot fail. Or... You're depressed: I can't get out of bed but have to: do something else in the same robotic way you go at any nevessary activity. I did. Im alive. I don't regret it. It's tge precursor to something great. Theres just something refreshingly clear about the decisions you make based on the view from rock bottom.

[u/[deleted] → u/Theonethatgotherway]

Every pool of depression is different. Sometimes it's a clear, refreshing pool. The sadness wakes me up and makes me enjoy life more when I surface again. Sometimes the pool is murky and the light doesn't reach the bottom. Those times, you're sure you'll drown. But just remember, be air. Air churns and condenses and burns and all sorts of things, but in the end, it rises. It rises to the top to run another cycle.

Depression is not something a few words will break. Suicide, often isn't either. But it's such a drastic measure, a sudden shock of pain or realization can snap you out of it, like that time I had to punch myself in the face to put the knife down. My comment is a slap. A slap to take a step away from the ledge, but it's no flotation device. It won't raise you from the depths of that pool. Only you can swim out and then, once you're close to surface, the rest of us can give you a hand for that final leg.

[u/leptoquark → u/[deleted]]

I'm with you. There was a day when these ideas would have evoked some kind of response in me, perhaps something like "excitement", "interest", or even "sadness". But now I simply respond with nothing. Emptiness. If I consider it a bit further I feel the slighest something, repulsion at the idea of having to move my body unnecessarily for something that would illicit a response no different than sitting here and staring at the wall.

[u/homunculus87 → u/[deleted]]

You are a fighter! I admire people like you who can carry on despite the apathy, despite the abyss that stares into you and turns (almost) every joy to ash. For others or for yourself. You are a beacon that other people look up to.

I myself get a glimpse at what depression feels like from time to time and I wish you from the bottom of my heart that you have the strength to carry on and to some day lead a normal life again.

I guess you are already in therapy, but if not, then please do seek professional help. I'm sure it will help you and the ones you love.

[u/homunculus87 → u/[deleted]]

It is great that you raise your daughter responsibly and protect her from the abuse you yourself suffered.

I'll think about you occasionally, reminding myself what a disciplined and courageous person one can be in the face of severe adversity. :-) Please, keep it up. I hope you and your daughter can enjoy lots of time together.

[u/Zee_Mug → u/[deleted]]

I think it depends on why you're feeling suicidal. People feel that way for different reasons, and if what he wrote helps one person even feel a little bit better, then it was a good post :)

[u/PerceivedRT → u/Blind_Sypher]

Yeah. As someone with depression, occasionally dipping into the deep deep scary side, the post would be meaningless in the moment. That soul crushing despair doesn't just say "oh, you want to spend weeks selling your possessions so you can go skydiving in Mexico? I'll wait." It crushes every fibre of your being until you don't have the motivation to even get out of bed at times. The post was beautiful, but ignorance really can be bliss it seems.

[u/idiots04 → u/PerceivedRT]

music listen to it

[u/asherah156 → u/Blind_Sypher]

Thank you. Depressed here and was trying to figure out how to explain that while the above comment is very sweet, it's...it's so fucking hard. It's not that I couldn't technically do it - go take a spontaneous trip and fish and sit under waterfalls. I could. And maybe it would help, even though I just got home from being abroad and I feel no better.

I'm just proud of myself for feeding myself and getting dressed and staying alive. That was hard enough today. To muster up the amount of energy to even get to an airport again? Come on. The problem's in my thinking, in my habits, in everything I take with me wherever I go - even where there's beautiful sunsets and drinks with umbrellas and kind, loving people - depression turns all joy into ash and sand in your mouth.

[u/Blind_Sypher → u/asherah156]

Meditation and aerobic excersise helps out a lot. Both your thought patterns and overall sense of well being will improve after a month or so. Considerably I might add. They helped me out if a major multi year depression.

[u/[deleted] → u/asherah156]

I think it's important for those of us who experience depression to understand that we don't necessarily respond the same way to the same kinds of things as those who don't have this experience. I guess I mean, what makes other people happy won't necessarily make us happy, and that's ok. I experience something similar to happiness when I just go for a day without crying. Or when I don't drink myself into a stupor to fall asleep. I still sometimes am able to enjoy something beautiful along with everyone else, but I guess it's just important to be really honest with yourself about where you are, what you're capable of processing, and be in the moment, which of course is easier said than done. Thinking of getting on a plane is, sometimes, just going to make those thoughts go even worse, because they create an even greater distance between where we are and where we perceive other people to be. I don't know, instead of focusing on creating an experience that will bring you out of it, focus on getting something out of the experiences you do have. That was pretty long, sorry. But keep getting through it.

[u/No_Possibility_4758 → u/asherah156]

Agree 100%. I used to think like this and used to think why would anybody kill them self I would just move to the Caribbean and snorkel all the time. Now I’m depressed as hell and have been for a while and I feel like the person who wrote that above comment doesn’t really understand depression completely, although it is a really nice sentiment.

[u/Throwzway2 → u/Blind_Sypher]

Apathy isn't really understood by people that haven't experienced it.