Like yeah suicide isn’t the answer and is bad but it’s always in the back of my mind if my life is truely fucked. I feel like it is a very controversial thing to say but yeah, my last attempt was just impulse. When I have any suicidal thoughts it’s like a switch in my brain goes off to do it. I don’t get sad just genuinely see it as something I need to do not actually thinking about the consequences. Nothing could talk me out of it. It only ends if I fall asleep or something and I’m back to normal. I have been like this since I can remember and ironically I started going on anti depressants again and it still is there. Also I’ve never been scared of death. I’m not trying to sound edgy just I think it’s because I’m subconsciously always suicidal so it would make sense.

I feel like the odd man out on here because it’s not something I experience, but I hear literally everyone else talk about it. If anything, I think my antidepressants make hypersexuality impossible for me. Please tell me I’m not the only one 😭

How do I stop this? Everything is fine with my life but every day I have this huge urge to end it all. It’s not even me being depressed, it’s just something my body wants me to do. Like a destiny (?)

This has lasted for years but recently worsened. Anyone who can relate? If so, how you live with it?

I DID NOT KILL MYSELF‼️ I had a terribly bad episode but in the end decided to not go through with it a lot thanks to both your words and also speaking to my mom. I would like to formally apologize to the mods, who deleted the original post due to its distressing content. 100% understandable on their part, and I am so sorry for all of that.

Like I said, I was having a horrible episode and made some stupid decisions. Thank you to the people who reached out and encouraged me to keep going, your words mean more than you can imagine and you're right. If you guys keep on living, so can I...and on the flipside, if I can keep on living, so can you.

Just wanted to give a little update to the people I had worried. I'm very sorry again for any trouble I caused. I am alive, might not be well...but we're getting there. BPD is a frustrating disorder, but I think that with time, one day I'll be able to say I'm alive and well :)

Love you guys here on the BPD sub. That's all!!!

What songs would you send someone to explain how you feel and who you are as someone with BPD, mental health, and just in general? What songs describe you?

Mine are: 1. Ghost by Badflower 2. Habits by Tove Lo 3. Cinnamon Girl by Lana Del Ray 4. Borderline by Tove styrke 5. Family by Badflower 6. Black Out Days by Phantogram 8. Blue and Bloody by Babybugs

I get irrationally angry when someone says right wing stuff. For example few weeks ago I got real angry explaining to my coworker why blackface is bad. They were saying things like "some black people think blackface is good" and kept referencing Kanye or similar people. I got irritated and basically told them they have fascist tendencies after a few minutes of normal conversation because I couldn't get them to understand my point. Later some other coworkers told me I was overreacting. At first I thought "wtf im doing wrong theyre racist" but the problem is that my brain doesn't seem to be able to be calm and patient when a person says things like that and doesn't try to argue with me. I have a chance to explain it to them but I lose my patience real easily and turn into shitty person. I automatically see them as bad people and not someone that may be just a little bit lost and I don't know how to change it.

The whole thing lasted less than 20 min, I can't possibly grasp how someone in that field can be this unempathetic and crude. I could barely get a semblance of my mental health history and he was already decided on what he'd prescribe for me. I didn't get a chance to tell him what I was going through or what I was struggling with, the moment I said I had been diagnosed with BPD in the past he decided on the prescription. No interest in any of my neuropsychological tests/evaluations, what type of treatment and approach I had tried in the past, absolutely nothing, I wasn't even a person to him.

I had psychiatrists in the past that didn't care about what I had to say, but they'd at least let me say it. This guy would legit cut me mid sentence and stop me from talking, so he could explain why this medication he was prescribing would work best for my case... when he didn't even know my case well enough to come to that conclusion???

Anyways, I just feel so drained, I've been off meds for 2 years and recently my mental health has taken a nose dive to the ground, the moment I try and seek professional help I get treated like I'm less than a person. It's just so frustrating.

Before I was diagnosed I was using weed gummies/alcohol to cope .I thought I was just having fun but deep down I knew I was hiding from feelings I didn’t want to feel. Now that you are “ self aware” is this still a struggle? I gave up both over 6 months ago, I try to manage my symptoms as best I can with meds I am prescribed, not lorazepam or anything good like that lol. Life still feels like such a boring chore no matter what I’m doing. Even when I’m supposed to having “fun”. Do yall feel this too?

Idk about y’all, but I hate how I act when I have the bond. The bond is literally why we bpd on a specific person, if the bond didn’t exist then we’d all be so much healthier and happier yet I keep seeing people wanting the bond. Might be an unpopular opinion, but I don’t understand why people normalize having an fp when it’s the source of bpd…it’s like saying you’re happy with having bpd and I can’t imagine that. It’s why I’ve worked so hard at getting rid of the bond, now I’m married and quite happy even with some bpd and bipolar episodes. If I’m sad, I’m sad because life sucks not cause my husband sighed at a joke. It’s how it should be, what we should aim for.

i don’t like sit outside her window or anything guys do not freak out but i look at her pictures very frequently and it’s practically an ocd thing at this point like it gives me a huge rush of dopamine and i literally crave it throughout multiple points in the day like there’s no way how to describe how it makes me feel seeing her face and seeing new pictures she put up like im really trying to stop myself right now bc i need to focus on myself and not her and i need to let her go and ik this is the first step but i haven’t looked in a week i think and i really just want to see her face does anyone else struggle with this? does literally anyone on here know what to do lol

do you feel this way too? I've seen that it can be one of the symptoms of bpd to change your perception of yourself several times but I wanted to know if it's common. most of the time I say that I hate myself in both appearance and personality. I blame myself and charge myself a lot, so this makes me unable to support myself. It's just that sometimes when I interact with people, genuinely compliment them and pay more attention to my kind attitudes towards people, I feel like I'm actually super nice and sweet! I find this a bit of a pain, I didn't want to change my thoughts about myself with each different breath I take... do you understand me??

Hi, I struggle a lot with impulsive spending. As soon I have some kind of money I have to spend it till the last penny. I can't save anything. Like this month I spent 1000€ in one night because half of the money went to a new Ipad even though I didn't need one. I have debts in a lot of places and don't hesitate paying in multiple months. Two months ago I even did a loan of 200€ to buy unecessary stuff. I try to do budget tracking and try to budget plan byt doesn’t work. I tried deleating every buying app but it doesn't work either Does anyone have an advice to stop it?

Can anyone else relate? My brain will fixate on someone, usually a love interest or just someone I begin to idealise. I can't get them off my mind at first, and then I get a rising, intense urge to make them idealise me. It's like a switch flips in my brain and I say to myself "I'm going to make myself their favourite" and I'll do anything to make that happen. I will bend over backwards if it means they'll give me special attention. It can be distressing at times because it takes up so much mental energy. I've never told anyone about this, not even my therapist because I feel ashamed about it for some reason.. but it's something I've experienced since I was a teenager and it gets to the point of pure obsession.

I constantly wonder if it’s just best for someone with bpd to be alone. I’ve done both CBT and DBT and it feels like even after both of them, there are times I just can’t control my bpd symptoms. When I’m in a relationship it feels like a constant emotional rollercoaster, like I’m just dysregulated and losing my mind all the time, like my entire state of being revolves around my fp and nothing else matters. When I’m single, I’m a happier person, I’m lighter, I’m so much better to my friends and family, it’s easier for me to focus on my goals and my future and my own well-being. I guess I’m just curious how many people with bpd manage healthy, functional relationships and if that’s even something I should be trying for anymore. I’m 23 and have only had one serious relationship, so I’m not sure how another would go or if I can repair the one I’m in, but I can see my own patterns just within the one I’ve had and I can see how my bpd symptoms are the root of so many of our issues. I feel super discouraged in my ability to get past it and guilty to even make another person deal with it anymore.

Heather,

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but if you do, I need you to know that I finally see it—the cycle we were trapped in, the pain we both carried, and how my avoidance only fed your worst fears.

You always needed reassurance, safety, and consistency—someone who wouldn’t run, wouldn’t shut down, wouldn’t make you feel like you were too much. And I failed you. Not because I didn’t love you, but because I was so tangled in my own fears that I didn’t realize how much I was pushing you away. Every time I withdrew, every time I shut down, every time I didn’t fight the way you needed me to, I reinforced the story you feared the most—that love leaves, that you aren’t enough, that you have to beg to be chosen.

The truth is, I did love you. I still do. But love alone wasn’t enough to undo the damage of my patterns—of avoiding hard conversations, of pulling back instead of leaning in, of not giving you the security you deserved. And in the end, I abandoned you in the very way you always feared I would. I became the person who shattered the trust you fought so hard to have in me.

I can’t undo what I’ve done. I can’t take back the pain I caused you, the sleepless nights, the overthinking, the moments you felt like you were drowning while I stayed silent. But if nothing else, I need you to know that I see it now. I understand in a way I never did before. And if I could go back, I would show up differently. I would face the things that scared me instead of shutting you out. I would choose to be better for both of us.

I hope that, in time, you heal from the wounds I left. You deserved more than what I gave you, and I will carry that with me for the rest of my life.

• V

I've been in arguments with my ex where I felt cornered and didn't know how the hell we suddenly ended up here, after everything was going fine 5 minutes ago. I stepped on a landmine and now here we are. How do you objectively think one should react as a loved one? I used to react apologetically. I learned very early on in childhood that I should assume things are my fault. I think that's what contributed to the breakup. I never grew a spine during the relationship and was walked over by her. Eventually, she felt like a villain and everything broke down. A relationship we both cherished immensely. I know things are over but I do seem to be attracted to troubled personalities, as they resonate with me a lot. I'm likely to meet a BPD person again. What's your advice on how to react in such a moment. Push back and risk reinforcing the negative image that they have of me right now? Leave the conversation? She would always have a catharsis next morning and apologize, so it became my strategy to sit it out till the next day, which obviously didn't work long-term. But I'm also not great at arguments. I started to learn and stand my ground in conflicts after the breakup, which is working well for me. Is that the solution? But from my experience, there is no arguing or changing of minds when the BPD person is splitting.

I'm asking this full of sympathy and empathy for the condition of BPD. None of what I experienced was my ex's fault per se. I myself, considering my upbringing, was probably close to developing this disorder. I just remembered how helpless I used to feel in those moments, realizing that it's not her own self lashing out, and trying to approach the situation with silk gloves, but at the same time feeling personally attacked for things that weren't always my fault, which was very frustrating.

The past few days I’ve done nothing but eat edibles, and wander in the woods. I’ve kinda been hoping that I’ll disappear, or that something will happen. It’s like 4 am and I still wanna go out and walk around my city even though it’s unsafe. I feel empty and bored. I’m so bored of life, I’m bored of myself, I’m bored of living, I’m just bored, I wanna disappear and I want to walk and never come back. Being in front of other people feels like a mask, being alone feels like peace because even though I judge myself I know what I’m thinking. I’d like to disappear and be alone all by myself. Kinda like being sucked into a void.

I recently got diagnosed with BPD I know its cliche, but my life is literally falling apart over it. I am losing friends over; I am losing sleep over it. I just need to know that I am going to be okay again one day. Where I won't feel like my life is one giant dumpster fire and that I will manage a normal life. I need y'all to tell me what it was like for you when you first got diagnosed. I am scared of this diagnosis even though it's something I actively fought for for years. I need something to relate to and to be able to inspire hope in me again.

ETA: Not sure if this needs the NSFW tag but adding it to be safe.

I’m completely shattered right now. Three weeks ago, my girlfriend broke up with me out of the blue. She has BPD, and this happened shortly after her grandma passed away. Even in the midst of ending things, she still told me she loves and cares about me—which only makes this more confusing.

The main issue, she says, is trust. She doesn’t trust me because of my past with an ex who sexually abused me. The irony is, she was the one who stood by me during my darkest times—after the abuse, even after my suicide attempt because of the abuse . This happened 8 months ago. And now? She’s cut me out of her life like I’m nothing. Like I’m some kind of monster.

I would have given her everything. I still would. But she treats me like I’m the worst person on earth. When I ask if there’s any way to fix this, all she says is, “I can’t trust you.”

The worst part? My ex abused me while my now-ex and I were together (we’d only been dating for a month at the time). It feels like I’m being punished for something I didn’t choose.

It’s been three weeks, and instead of healing, I’m sinking deeper every day. She even said that by deleting her number (I didn’t want to spam her), I proved I “don’t value her enough.” But I’ve poured my heart out—letters, texts, even wrote her a song. What else am I supposed to do?

We talked about kids in February. She told me I was husband material. How does someone go from that to cutting me off like a tumor?

I’ve never felt this broken. My friends don’t understand. She doesn’t either. And I’m just… lost.

I'm struggling to accept this diagnosis. I don't want to be told that my personality is broken and defective. I don't want to be told that my personality is dysfunctional and wrong. I can't change my personality because I am who I am. I am loving, kind, compassionate and empathetic. I would never want to deliberately hurt someone. I don't deliberately try to manipulate people. I try my hardest not to harm others. I want to learn how to interact with people. I want to learn how to have better more positive relationships. I want to learn how to regulate my emotions. My behavior and emotional issues stems from abuse and extreme isolation and trauma. Why the fuck then am I being told that my personality is the issue? My parents allowed horrific abuse to happen to me over and over again and then when I was 19 I followed them to a new state I've never been to just for them to abandon me in the worst area of one of the most dangerous cities in Texas where I survived more abuse.

I just want to live a fulfilling life. Not be stuck with a shitty fucking personality. Because I have good qualities. There isn't any lengths I wouldn't go to to be there for a friend.

I won't go into it for my sake and his, but me and my boyfriend hit a bump in the road because of something that happened Sunday. I managed to step back for a while, I forced myself to gather every single thought I had about the situation.

This might be a little crazy but I like, acted out what I was going to say to him, and when I started to feel myself freaking out I'd shut up, rethink my words, and force myself to breathe.

It actually helped a lot when I finally brought it up. Since I already went through what I wanted to say I didn't say things out of impulse. I mean, sure some of it wasn't what I was expecting but the point is, it wasn't bad. I was calm. I DIDNT CRASH OUT. I cried a bit, but the situation would have made me do that anyway.

And..... It went great. We communicated. I've never been able to communicate like that before. I always end up splitting or sobbing or saying something I end up regretting. But not this time. Maybe part of it was because of how receptive and understanding he was of my feelings in the first place. Fuck what the fuck how on Earth did I find someone who would be this gentle with me??? How on Earth was I able to HEAL. How on Earth was I able to FINALLY BE A NIRMAL PERSON?

I don't know and I don't care. I've been off my psych meds for almost a month now (not of my own volition, don't worry) and I've been able to drag myself back together. I've been able to understand myself, somehow. Maybe I'm getting older. Maybe I'm getting tired of how I am. Maybe I'm just growing? I hope so, I hope this is growth. I hope this is growth I can exploit exponentially, haha.

Point is, I didn't crash out. I didn't split. I fucking communicated!! And I'm so proud of myself for that and I'm not going to be quiet about that fact! I'm going in the right direction for once in my life, and it feels good. It feels so fucking good!

I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, MDD, dermatillomania and trichotillomania (BFRBs), and ADHD. It sounds like a lot (and is a lot), but a lot of my diagnoses r interrelated to the point where it's difficult to distinguish where each illness ends and another begins, if that makes sense. Basically, all of my mental illnesses are connected and interact in a very cohesively unpleasant way lmao. OCD/anxiety/derm and trich are all very closely related to BDD, and I think a big part of why I developed BPD is because struggling with these mental health issues during my formative years was pretty traumatizing and developmentally problematic. I'd say that BDD and BPD seem to be the illnesses that I struggle with the most (or most directly?) these days, though my depression can get rly bad whenever I have an episode.

I've noticed that my BDD and BPD interact in a lot of rly horrible ways. I'd say that I have an especially severe case of BDD and that my BPD is a pretty "standard" case in terms of severity. My BDD causes me to obsess over my physical appearance, and my BPD causes me to have a rly hard time emotionally regulating when I determine my physical appearance to be less than ideal. For example, I become suicidal if I see a single bad photo of myself or stare in the mirror too long without makeup. I also find that my lack of a strong sense of self/identity has caused my BDD to get much worse than it would otherwise be - I don't rly have consistent interests or personality traits, so I place a lot of value in my physical appearance, which is always consistent and is something that can be used to "distract" people from my emptiness. I don't like myself as a person, which makes me focus more on my physical appearance, which feels easier to control for whatever reason (though not easy enough clearly).

I'm curious about if anyone else on here struggles with BDD as well and, if so, if you find that your BPD makes your BDD worse (and vice versa)?

I dont know how to really describe it, but does anyone else feel like they have multiple parts of themselves? Not like entirely different people like with DID, but like, theres the main you, but I also have an emotional numb & calm part and an angry & protective one. They dont feel like entirely different people, but parts of my personality?

I only plan for it to be for a little while… My best friend and FP recently went on a mental health break which is now at a point where they’re taking a break from socializing altogether. I handled that part pretty well and I found it easy to accept the fact that she’s going to need her time to get better.

Though I historically, and especially in the last month and a half or so, have had a lot of issues with freaking out over them not spending as much time with me in the past due to them spending a lot of time with a new friend who she really connects with. It was a whole thing that I’ve been learning to cope better with, but it still caused a lot of stress and toxicity in our relationship. My attachment to them makes it so that my mood and emotions are often tied to whether or not she’s present in my day-to-day.

It makes me feel awful both from the anxiety and paranoia of finding every little reason that they could be upset with/hate me, or just being delusional and seeing dynamics that aren’t there. But also from knowing how much I’m hurting them in the process.

So when I realized I wasn’t gonna be able to talk to them for a while I decided I should cut off any interaction or mention with her until she’s better. Cause even if I know there’s nothing to worry about, I’ll still get paranoid regardless… so I decided to put it out of sight so it’s out of mind.

I do feel like this was a good decision on my part in terms of self management and breaking bad behaviors. Though I have to admit I’m overall really scared that this is just gonna end in us not being friends anymore… and I don’t know if I can handle that when they mean so SO much to me…

This post isn't a big deal I'm just frustrated as hell because I always seem normal and calm but the moment I get into a relationship all the symptoms of bpd come to the surface and I feel like CRAZY. I constantly feel like I was born to be alone