So today I have over 400+ days and over a year and 3 months off all substances, but underneath that I know that nicotine, caffeine, and lust/love addiction seems to still be there. I've been off "harder substances" since 2015 and I am grateful for that. Weed was the "last straw" that needed to be beaten but I just don't seem to be able to stop vaping and drinking high amounts of caffeine.

For me it just seems these 3 are the last stronghold of addiction and I like to think that if I can get off all these other substances I can get off nicotine/coffee/porn etc. But I just don't seem to be able to break the habit. I'm hoping someone else can help because today I wanted to quit vaping and I relapsed first thing in the morning and ended up going and buying 2 vapes. I just want to quit these things and I know the benefit of quitting stimulants is the return of natural energy and I just can't stop having bad feelings in my body and when one thing goes the other 2 get worse. Right now I have 8 days off porn and 0 for caffeine and nicotine. I don't know how to proceed here and hope you guys can point me in the right direction.

Thanks so much keep fighting the good fight!

I never became super underweight. But my close friends and family and partner told me I was looking too thin when my disorder was peaking (2 months ago). I was 94 pounds and couldn’t fit my clothes well. But I felt okay, maybe more cold and tired, and yeah I was bruising more. I think my hair was upticking in shedding too, not really sure. Again, I was just barely in the underweight category for my bmi.

My doctor diagnosed me with anorexia a while ago and my dietitian strongly recommended I go to an outpatient clinic. After an assessment, the clinic recommended an aggressive 5 day a week program that I couldn’t afford and didn’t have time to do. I have talked about my issues with my former therapist and it felt like even she doesn’t quite understand. It’s hard and expensive to get the help I need. I’m overwhelmed.

It’s also genuinely scary to intentionally gain weight in a society that is constantly telegraphing to people that we need to be smaller. I fear the thought of gaining too much weight back and losing whatever social capital my thin body was beginning to give me. There is no “winning” as a woman, you are always too fat here or too thin there.

I know it doesn’t sound like much but I haven’t been 8 hours sober in 3+years. It feels so good but it took my girlfriend catching me getting high for me to do this and she won’t speak to me or let me see my 4 month old son. It’s bittersweet but I’m hoping she’ll give me another chance because I miss them so much!

I'm tired of being in sharp, chronic pain.

I'm tired of seeing my friends be able to do the sport I love.

I'm tired of hearing adults say, "wait til you're my age."

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm tired of doctors telling me that it's in my head.

I'm tired of feeling broken.

I just got out of treatment and I’m really looking to surround myself with Ted talks, articles, podcasts, etc. relating to recovery. Thanks!

Hey all. Probably gonna be a long one, sorry…

I was an IV heroin addict from 2016-~2020, at which that point heroin had all but dried up, my veins as well, and switched to snorting fent m30s. I officially quit abusing opiates feb. 10 2023, and all other drugs (except weed) feb. 12, 2023. So I consider (or considered) Feb. 12 2023 my clean date. I was totally clean for a few months, but the mental anguish I was experiencing was too much for me. I already have a history of extreme anxiety (which I now realize is why I used. I was self medicating), and was also experiencing horrible depression. It SUCKS too because I have a very rare eye condition, and SSRIs & SNRIs fuck with my eyes, and it makes it dangerous for me to do things like drive because I can’t see straight, so I can’t take them, period.

Anyway, I think it was sometime in June 2023 when I decided to get on suboxone. It was truly a life saver at the time. I started at 8mg a day, which I found to be way too much (lots of sweating, bloating, constipation, all that fun stuff) , and cut it in half to 4mgs a day, which was the perfect dose for me. It is absolutely true when they say less is more with suboxone.

I had one slip up around my one year mark (what is it about lapses around the one year mark?? I’ve heard similar stories from so many people). Lasted a couple weeks, and I stopped taking my subs too, so had to go through cold turkey withdrawal which was hell. When I withdrawal, I fucking WITHDRAWAL. I’m talking vomiting every 30 minutes, shitting & peeing on myself, so weak I can’t even talk…I just seem to withdraw really bad.

Fast forward to now. I’m over the suboxone. I want off. I want to be totally clean. I’m fucking tired of being chained to a substance, period. I forgot to mention, my husband and I are going through this together. We used together, got clean together, and are getting off suboxone together.

We don’t have insurance, so unfortunately sublocade shot is kind of out of the question. All in all, it would be ~10k for us both to properly tapering with sublocade, including the price of the shots, and the doctors fees (which are usually the same as the price of the shot).

We TRIED tapering off suboxone as low as we could, but it was still just too unbearable. We decided to get some dilaudids for the purpose of just using them to taper, which we have successfully been doing, but we are coming to the end, and I’m fucking terrified. We have one and a half pills left (8mg ones) and we have been just shaving off bits when we feel too bad, and just teetering on withdrawal and feeling okay. Apparently withdrawals from dilaudids are pretty bearable comparatively. And we have been taking so little that it (hopefully) won’t be bad. I’m just so scared. My husband is a lot more optimistic and is staying strong for me, but I’m not feeling as strong.

I don’t even know what the point of this post is. I just feel so fucking shitty. I’m so scared. Like SO scared. I don’t want to fucking do this. I hate myself, I hate that I’m in this position. Fuck my fucking life dude. Fuck opiates and fuck suboxone and fuck doctors and fuck pharmacists and fuck it all.

Struggled all my life with panic attacks, anxiety, depression, disordered eating, poor mental health. Last year was the lowest point, I simply did not want to exist. I've fought each and every day, to heal and recover. I finally feel like I have got my spark back.

So I’ve had undiagnosed ADHD since childhood. When I was growing up it wasn’t a thing 32(m). I always felt different and could never just fit in. Always tired and just kinda surviving. Nothing excited me and just felt completely empty. I had to just focus as hard as I could on one thing of enjoyment to get me through the day. It was innocent at first, was a huge wrestling fan as a kid so Raw and Smackdown was where I’d get my dopamine fix. Of course as I got older I stopped watching and it was video games then into young adulthood alcohol. That’s what stopped my rapid thinking so I abused it. I drank everyday for 10 years. After a few years it wasn’t fun anymore just habit. Everything started falling apart my health, money, work ethic. I just walked around tired and hungover. It strained my marriage greatly. I had a wake up call early

January of this year. Sitting in an emergency room lobby at 2am. I had lacerated my elbow while heavily intoxicated and lost a lot of blood. My son witnessed everything. Very traumatic for him. As I waited on a ride to pick me up after having my elbow stapled I could feel the look on peoples face of disgust. I felt dirty lower than low. As I sobered up I realized I hated alcohol. It was never my friend, it brought out the worst of me. I liked that side at one point confident, focused, made me feel I could conquer whatever task. It was silence. I eventually sobered up and realized that can never happen again. It was hard! I went cold turkey and went through major withdrawals. Ended up doing 1 day, 1 week, 1 month by telling myself you made it yesterday why not today? Therapy was a key vital to all of this, helped me understand I was self medicating. After months of trying different medications I was diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed Adderall. Started it on Sunday 20mg IR 2x a day. I kept thinking it’s not working

I don’t feel amped up full of energy. It’s a bad batch etc. went down a huge rabbit hole that I was getting less effective medicine because of the manufacturer and it being generic. I kept saying I feel tired, slow to hit these tasks then expected. As I drove home today I sat there…no racing thoughts or constant worrying. I typically always feel on edge but yet I was calm and very clear minded. Just silence. That’s when I realized the medicine is working.

So I am having surgery soon and I will need an idea of where to rest in isolation. Surgery will be for a hernia next to the groin. My concern is after the surgery, the "people" I stay with intend to hurt me. This was very recently learned information, but basically they see my potential vulnerability as a opportunity.

I still have my car and it is paid. Full recovery I think is 6 weeks. I heard of Planet Fitness offering showers to members, so I might use those.

As for money, not sure yet. Trump is planning to end Affordable Care and Disability. So, I will not be able to work while recovering and I cannot get disability due to the oligarchs.

Since I imagine some of you have been in this situation, where would you go to recover alone?