I'm not a Christian, I wouldn't label myself anything, 'spiritual' I suppose would be most fitting. Some would call me 'new age' but I disagree with a lot of their common beliefs. I have had genuine spiritual experiences and seen into the spirit realm on psychedelics and very much know its' real. I've also experienced sleep paralysis episodes I am convinced are supernatural, it feels like something is messing with me sometimes, even in my dreams. I often have dreams within dreams, false awakenings, where I know I'm dreaming but can't escape or wake up and the dreams get very dark.
I've meditated, tried frequency healing, lightly dabbled in crystals and used manifestation.
I grew up in a Christian cult that traumatised me heavily (Jehovah's Witnesses).
I always figured the truth is either this life is essentially a collective dream and we are all one, or the Christians have the truth. My reason for the former is based on personal experiences and also spiritual philosophies that make the most sense to me. My reason for the latter is the devil seems to be real as so many 'elites' seem to worship him. I'm also big into conspiracy theories. Logic would dictate if Satan is real, God is too.
I've been looking into Occult to Christian testimonies on Youtube recently and they've been very compelling and believable. Some have even hit home with me on certain points.
At the same time I've heard very profound experiences from psychedelic trip reports and had my own, including ego death. These have been beautiful and temporarily have helped relieve me of depression and my first use of LSD stopped me wanting to commit sucde.
I was always scared of praying for God to reveal himself incase it is YHWH/Jesus/etc. as Christianity scares me. I also strongly oppose a lot of actions God has done in the Bible.
I am also a drug addict. I didn't use to be. I used to only use drugs for spiritual purposes, but now I use many different, harder substances to make myself feel normal or okay. My anxiety and depression are terrible. Antidepressants did nothing for me. When I'm sober all I feel is pain. I rarely 'get high' anymore, drugs just make me temporarily okay with existence. I don't wanna live like this anymore. I'm not suicidal. But I don't want to be here.
The last time I had sleep paralysis I prayed 'God if this is something supernatural, please make it stop.' And it immediately did. This has been my only successful prayer, assuming it is not a coincidence, which it did not feel like. I did not specify 'Yahweh' or 'Jesus' but just said 'God'. This scared me.
Feeling depressed and alone tonight, I cried praying that I know I am probably unworthy of love, but begging to be shown even a little of his love if he is real, and for him to reveal himself to me. Nothing.
I've heard people like Richard Lorenzo, an ex-Warlock deep into Voodoo and the occult pray to God and have powerful visions of Christ and his love.
Nothing.
Why?
Am I unworthy of his love? Is he not real? Does anyone even have the answers? So many of you are convinced you have the truth, but why? So do many Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, even Atheists.
I'm lost.
Edit: In my psychedelic trips I have seen eyes everywhere (reminds me of the description of 'Thrones' in Ezekial's visions), snakes everywhere (some would say its representing change or kundalini energy, whereas of course the Bible has a very different view) a snake/dragon simultaneously (idk how to further elaborate), tiki-mask like figures/entities/deities and a pyramid with an eye on each side (much like the illuminati). I have even seen satanic imagery, but I usually interprete this as my own religious fears/trauma. Just thought I'd add that on incase anyone has any input regarding what I have seen in the spirit.