My calculations today indicate I can retire 10 years after I die.

"Three," I replied honestly.

Apparently that was a problem.

Head father says the rule is no talking for a year then he can say 2 words at years end.1st year ends and the father says " how was your 1styear?". He says," Bed hard." Next year he said " Food bad". 3rd year ends and the Father asked " How was the past year? Monk says " I quit!!!" Father says, " No surprise, you've done nothing but complain!"

He awkwardly says to the one lady at the pharmacy counter, "Um, this is embarrassing but I have this condition where about once a day I become incredibly aroused and overcome by the desire to have sex with any woman at all. It's overwhelming! What can you give me for it?"

"Hmm," replied the lady, "This is a tough one. I'll have to confer with my sister." After talking to her sister she came back and said, "Well, the best we can do is a furnished apartment, $500 a week and half ownership of the pharmacy."

Their age range on dating apps.

The guy smiles and says, "Cool. I’ve always wanted $150K."

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Retirement not found

What are corridors called in a psychiatric ward?

Psycho-path

I say "That's a good money for a Gay prostitute, great money actually, but who the hell gave you 5 cents"

He goes, "Every single one of them"

“If I died tomorrow, would you get remarried?” he asked

“Well, I am still young and I don’t want to live alone, so I probably would.” she replied softly

“Would you stay in this house?” he asked

“I guess I would, since it’s nice and I really like it!” she replied.

“Would you let him drive my truck?” he asked

“It’s useful where we live and I get a kick out of driving it myself,” she replied with a laugh

“But would you let him use my golf clubs” he asked

“No, he’s left handed”

When I knocked on the door she asked "who is it?"

So I left

A man finds out that his wife has a date with her lover at a hotel.

He shows up at the location with a loaded gun, bursts into the room, and catches them naked in bed. Then, desperate, he takes the gun and points it at his temple.

The two lovers look at him in shock and then burst out laughing.

The man then yells, "There's nothing funny about this, you're next!"

It's a shame they'll never meet

Hey you can't come in here! This area is for staff only!

I mean, enlarging and an existing drill hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting!

... then 558 people should be able to make a baby in 1 day.

Tequila mocking girl

You just have it delivered to the wrong address,

The younger of the two is going on about a new relationship he is in. He tells the older man how gorgeous his girl friend is. After a bit he offers a picture from his cell phone. The second man says "If you think she is gorgeous you should see my wife." The first man responds "Oh is she really good looking?" To which the second man says "Well yes but more importantly, she is an optometrist."

Pretty sure he found out I don't have any pets.

He asked me who that was singing and I said, “It’s Kendrick Lamar, a hip hop artist.”

He said, “Interesting. Our hip pop artist doesn't sing when she stops by on 'Chiropractor Thursdays'."

As they were walking home through the dark they cut through a grave yard for a quick pee. The first lady peed and decided to wipe her self with her own cheap knickers that she was wearing and then threw the cheap knickers away. The second lady then peed behind a grave stone but she was wearing her very expensive kinky knickers and wanted to keep them. So she felt around the grave stone to see if she can find anything to wipe herself with... She came across a silky red ribbon and decided to wipe herself with it. Both ladies were feeling refreshed and made their way home... The next day, their two husbands called each other up. The first husband said: "these girly night out need to stop! My wife came home with no knickers" The second husband replied: "that's nothing! My wife came home with writing on her upper thighs that said: THANK YOU FROM THE WHOLE FIRE BRIGADE"

A lot of talk about red and black, barely any mention of green, and a runtime that feels like an eternity

They have the same middle name...yuck yuck

-source Jimmy Carr