r/MaliciousCompliance 5d ago

S Malicious compliance in response to weaponized incompetence

Okay, I’m new to the page! I want to hear all of your stories or moments of malicious compliance in marriage.

Mine is when I asked my husband to move money from another shared bank account to our checking for bills. You guessed it, he didn’t move the money. This was the 3rd time that he “forgot about it” and I was tired of asking. I watched our checking account go into the negatives/ with overdraft fees. I confronted him and he said that I didn’t tell him which account, but we only have one main account for both of us to pay bills from. The account is connected to our debit cards!

The next day he went for lunch at chipotle. As he was checking out he realized that he didn’t have cash or money on his debit card. He called me at least 5 times asking me to transfer money, since I was near the bank that day. I did transfer money, but not to the account with the debit card, because he didn’t say which account 😉

We haven’t had any problems with him transferring money, since.

Edit: We share all of our bank accounts. I crunch the numbers and can’t always be responsible for budgeting and going to the bank/ doing transfers!

5.5k Upvotes

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27

u/Outside-Ad-3488 5d ago

Or you could live in Australia where you don’t have to go to a bank to transfer money. All can be done in seconds online.

136

u/snickerdoodlesrule 5d ago

Online transfer works in the states but I’m not going to set it up for him. If he wants to set it up, then great. I even told him about that option years ago.

My point was that I’m not spoon feeding my husband. He has his responsibilities and I have mine.

6

u/nonbinaryunicorn 5d ago

I'm very confused. Your bank doesn't have an app?

Mine does. I use the same bank I had as a child even though the nearest branch is a 14 hours drive away.

26

u/computergreenblue 5d ago

The bank has an app, the husband just doesn't use it.

-47

u/Enough-Whereas-2377 5d ago

Soooo…you’d rather pay outrageous bank fees, effectively throwing money away? That’s smart. 🤦‍♀️

71

u/snickerdoodlesrule 5d ago

It’s also his money being wasted. Lessons have to be learned. Clearly, not being able to afford chipotle worked 😂

-2

u/CovfefeForAll 5d ago

To each their own but I personally find it wild that people can consider their finances this separately when married. Like, if my partner's money was being wasted this way, even if from a separate account, I'd be stressing about their money being wasted. And I get you've probably tried before to get him to care, but I personally would not be able to just sit by and let money evaporate like that. Like, being this bad with money would be a dealbreaker for me.

12

u/ActOdd8937 5d ago

And that's exactly how weaponized incompetence works--just get your partner agitated because you're a fuckup so they do everything for you.

-3

u/CovfefeForAll 5d ago

Which is why I said this would be a dealbreaker for me. OP seems to think there are only 2 options to her husband's weaponized incompetence: do it for him, or let him piss away money that could be used to make both their lives better. There's a third option, and I know it's cliche to say it from such a small glimpse of their lives, but yeah, I could not live with a partner who was either this maliciously incompetent, who cared so little for what I said, or who was this bad with money. But OP seems pretty clueless too, so maybe they're well-matched...

3

u/ActOdd8937 5d ago

I have never mingled finances with anyone and I never will either. I work hard for my money and I manage it well and nobody is gonna mess with it. Even when I had a partner who was even better with money than I was, still didn't add him to my accounts although he did add me to his because I'm way better at shopping than he was so he preferred to have me handle all that.

2

u/CovfefeForAll 4d ago

I get that attitude too. I wasn't advocating for "mix all finances or else your marriage is doomed", I was just pointing out that if my partner was as bad about money as OP's husband, I don't think I could stay with them, because I'd see them wasting all that money constantly and it would eat me up, probably partially because like you, I'm very responsible with my money, and being as bad as OP's husband with money would be a basic value mismatch.

3

u/ActOdd8937 4d ago

I think I would have figured it out before it got serious and yeah, I wouldn't marry someone who's either that dumb or that careless with money. People like that make people all around them end up homeless and who needs that shit?

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-46

u/Enough-Whereas-2377 5d ago

Stupid is as stupid does, I guess.

61

u/snickerdoodlesrule 5d ago

Yes, I’m stupid for expecting my partner to hold equal responsibilities in my marriage. I love the expectation that women are to do everything and when things don’t go well we are blamed for failure of said things.

Kindness goes a long way 🩷

-51

u/Enough-Whereas-2377 5d ago

Sure, I’m being sexiest, lmao!! If you were a man, I’d say the same thing. A simple, “We’re about to go into the negative if you don’t transfer money.” or “Crap! We’re in the negative, you need to transfer it now, like I’ve told you 4 times already.” Sitting and watching bank fees pile up is just not logical, imo. But I guess if you’re made of money, why should you worry about little things like that. This is willful ignorance, not malicious compliance.

17

u/Gamyeon 5d ago

She literally told him about it:

I watched our checking account go into the negatives/ with overdraft fees. I confronted him and he said that I didn’t tell him which account, but we only have one main account for both of us to pay bills from.

It's not just having to be responsible to remind him constantly, it's the weak excuse he gave her that he didn't know which account.

It still shouldn't have been her responsibility to be the panic alarm for him because he couldn't be bothered to do the transfer until it actually inconvenienced him.

45

u/Flon_with-a-boxer 5d ago

I'm sure she never ever before ever tried your approach. Didn't even enter her mind, she just went straight to the worse option. The world is full of us petty stupid people, giod thing we have reasonable people telling us we must just repeat the same thing over and over and over and then eventually do it ourselves, this always works.

2

u/Sigwynne 5d ago

Wow. Three comments and not one nice thing to say in any of them.

11

u/Jmkott 5d ago

Education is not always free.

It was a one time cost in bank fees for him to learn his lesson.

Obviously, over drafting every month would be insane, but sadly many people only learn through pain.

-1

u/Enough-Whereas-2377 5d ago

I agree with what you say. The OP said she “watched our checking account go into the negatives/with overdraft fees,” so it looks like she was letting things pile up to prove her point. Wasting money is just silly to me. I guess it’s not to all of those who downvoted me.

18

u/Lem1618 5d ago

Same in my 3rd world country.

7

u/b_ootay_ful 5d ago

I was about to comment the same.

Awe from Cape Town!

2

u/Lem1618 5d ago

Awe my bru.

-1

u/JustMeOutThere 4d ago

I'm even more 3rd works than you and my bank app does it.

9

u/ryanlc 5d ago

Most banks in the States don't require it any longer, either.

2

u/TrippTrappTrinn 5d ago

I do not stop being astonished sbout the banking in the US. Going to rhe bank? Are there physical banks?

19

u/RIPDaug2019-2019 5d ago

The husband chose not to bother setting it up. We’ve had good online banking for ages.

-3

u/TrippTrappTrinn 5d ago

Set up what? I can transfer money between all our accounts with no setting up needed. Why would this not be the standard?

24

u/RIPDaug2019-2019 5d ago

You’re assuming:

A) husband has set up his online account at all.

B) all accounts are at the same bank. (External accounts need to be added for transfer)

4

u/Petskin 5d ago edited 5d ago

In my neck of the woods one needs login passwords / app / card reader to the bank to conduct all the same affairs in  that bank  than one once could by going there: transferring any money anywhere, paying any bills, applying for loans or credit cards, adding permissions to other people to use tge account, etc etc.

Moreover, there is only one bank in the town that has doors open for people without appointments at all, and even that is open only a couple of hours a day. I think it is mostly meant for tourists and non-residents to be able to pay their bills. It is practically impossible to visit a physical bank anymore here, everything is online.

1

u/Curious-Insanity413 2d ago

I'm not sure why you're getting down voted, I'm perplexed by this as well. Transferring online required no set up for me lol

3

u/Sigwynne 5d ago

It's where I go to get quarters for the Laundromat without a quarter machine.

0

u/TrippTrappTrinn 5d ago

We stopped using coins for payment many years ago. Card or mobile is used everywhere