The guy smiles and says, "Cool. I’ve always wanted $150K."

Retirement not found

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

My calculations today indicate I can retire 10 years after I die.

I say "That's a good money for a Gay prostitute, great money actually, but who the hell gave you 5 cents"

He goes, "Every single one of them"

“If I died tomorrow, would you get remarried?” he asked

“Well, I am still young and I don’t want to live alone, so I probably would.” she replied softly

“Would you stay in this house?” he asked

“I guess I would, since it’s nice and I really like it!” she replied.

“Would you let him drive my truck?” he asked

“It’s useful where we live and I get a kick out of driving it myself,” she replied with a laugh

“But would you let him use my golf clubs” he asked

“No, he’s left handed”

A man finds out that his wife has a date with her lover at a hotel.

He shows up at the location with a loaded gun, bursts into the room, and catches them naked in bed. Then, desperate, he takes the gun and points it at his temple.

The two lovers look at him in shock and then burst out laughing.

The man then yells, "There's nothing funny about this, you're next!"

I mean, enlarging and an existing drill hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting!

... then 558 people should be able to make a baby in 1 day.

Pretty sure he found out I don't have any pets.

The younger of the two is going on about a new relationship he is in. He tells the older man how gorgeous his girl friend is. After a bit he offers a picture from his cell phone. The second man says "If you think she is gorgeous you should see my wife." The first man responds "Oh is she really good looking?" To which the second man says "Well yes but more importantly, she is an optometrist."

As they were walking home through the dark they cut through a grave yard for a quick pee. The first lady peed and decided to wipe her self with her own cheap knickers that she was wearing and then threw the cheap knickers away. The second lady then peed behind a grave stone but she was wearing her very expensive kinky knickers and wanted to keep them. So she felt around the grave stone to see if she can find anything to wipe herself with... She came across a silky red ribbon and decided to wipe herself with it. Both ladies were feeling refreshed and made their way home... The next day, their two husbands called each other up. The first husband said: "these girly night out need to stop! My wife came home with no knickers" The second husband replied: "that's nothing! My wife came home with writing on her upper thighs that said: THANK YOU FROM THE WHOLE FIRE BRIGADE"

They have the same middle name...yuck yuck

-source Jimmy Carr

Naturally, many of the other pigs found this deeply disturbing and they went to see Farmer Brown to talk about Peter's strange behavior. He told them, "Bring Peter to me and I'll give him some intense counseling sessions."

So Peter went off with Farmer Brown.

A week later the pigs went up to the farmhouse to ask how Peter's counseling was going. Farmer Brown opened the door and, munching on a piece of bacon, told them

“Don’t worry about Peter. I’ve cured him.”

A lot of talk about red and black, barely any mention of green, and a runtime that feels like an eternity

He asked me who that was singing and I said, “It’s Kendrick Lamar, a hip hop artist.”

He said, “Interesting. Our hip pop artist doesn't sing when she stops by on 'Chiropractor Thursdays'."

He said he’s been sitting on it for a while.

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

Anything is possible if you are lying

I just needed to beetroot myself.

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back three days later with a broken arm and covered in bruises.

The grandfather asks "What the hell happened to you?"

The grandson says "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge with my friends; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender - but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!"

The grandfather asks "Well who the hell did you go with boy?"

The grandson says "My friends from school, who did you go with?"

The grandfather says "Well... the 2nd SS Panzer Division"

Head father says the rule is no talking for a year then he can say 2 words at years end.1st year ends and the father says " how was your 1styear?". He says," Bed hard." Next year he said " Food bad". 3rd year ends and the Father asked " How was the past year? Monk says " I quit!!!" Father says, " No surprise, you've done nothing but complain!"

Animal ab use

They put them both in a room with a woman and say they can have her, but they have to approach her only half a distance that lies between them, each time.

The mathematician gives up, stating he cannot reach the woman.

The engineer will continue because he knows he will get close enough for all practical purposes.

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for one night, why don't pretend we are married?"

The man, taken aback but enthusiastic replies:

"Yeah of course!"

And so the woman says:

"Good. Then fucking get it yourself you lazy ass."