Hi there! You described me, for the most part. Just a few months ago, my therapist informed me that I'm a perfectionist, and a whole lot of stuff clicked into place.
I can plan for things, and I can do stuff when I'm not in my head fussing about it--but when I overplan or overthink any situation I get paralyzed by wanting it to go EXACTLY RIGHT. And knowing that it probably won't, I have a really hard time taking that first simple step, even it if would be pretty easy.
This really sounds like me. I'll stress so much over how to get things right, and then I'll realize it will never be as good as I want it to be, and end up being unable to start anything at all.
If I do start something I tend to end up getting frustrated or bored because I just can't get it right.
This basically extends to everything now. Even just watching TV shows. I know I'll have trouble focusing on it exclusively, browsing reddit on the side, etc. so I'll miss a bunch of stuff in the show and it will feel like mostly a waste of time. So my backlog of stuff I want to watch just grows and grows. Same with books, I'll often start daydreaming or thinking about something specific in the story and lose track.
I'm waiting to be investigated for ADD, but I fear it will be the same humiliating negative as when I was investigated for Autism(I apparently throw off a LOT of surface indicators of it). When doing the final interview with my parents along, and the psychologist(psychiatrist?) was asking about the childhood indicators it was basically "no, no, and no" to everything.
From what I know of the early-life indicators for any ADD I don't think much of any of them apply, especially since my mother is a special ed teacher that has worked with both autism and ADD/ADHD kids, and she would have noted if she'd seen it.
So at best I expect 'have it in writing' that that's not the issue. Something to check off the list of what might be wrong I guess.
It sucks feeling broken as hell, but nobody can find anything wrong other than general depression and anxiety. I find myself daydreaming that I have a brain tumor or anything else that could actually be treated and fix me. I dread the realization that there may be nothing clearly or obviously wrong that made me end up this way.
I'm sorry you feel broken. But I hope you don't give up on working on your mental health. You have to push and push (making appointments with a psychiatrist, getting tested, seeing a therapist, finding meds that are right for you) to get in control of these things, and the fact that you're starting with depression and anxiety will just make all of that even harder.
But it's really worth the effort! Best of luck, stranger.
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u/[deleted] May 30 '17
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