r/books • u/[deleted] • Aug 21 '16

One of the most powerful descriptions of suicide I've ever read. David Foster Wallace - Infinite Jest

"The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling."

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16 edited Aug 22 '16

Hey, hey man. The fake smiles, all that shit, I don't know your situation so I can't exactly say drop everything and change your life. But go camping for a weekend. Swim under a waterfall. Remember that there is a whole world without people if you just journey far enough. Get your head out of the afterworld and start thinking of a new adventure. This world is HUGE and has so many places you can call home. Live on a boat in the Caribbean. Sell it all. Try to feed yourself by fishing. The worse thing that happened is that you die. So if you're really thinking about going out, don't do death a favor and do it yourself, make death find you. Dont leave this world sipping on the last bites of hot pocket and sunny D, drink in the sun on the beaches of Somalia and spit in the face of pirates until they do the deed for you or dedicate your time and money to the aids infected children in Africa, what could happen, you get aids and die. Who cares? Then your family can say, wow he just went to another world and changed his life for the better OR they'll see it as another Wild or John Krakeur book of self-discovery. I don't want you kill yourself I really, really don't. I love you and want you on his earth. But if you really think you're gonna go, fucking live it up a little and do something you were always too scared to do, because at this point, you no longer have anything to fear that youre not willing to accept anyway. You're considering doing something shocking anyway and you're not worried about dying so go ahead and fly to Mexico and become a cliff diver. You might just find out it's what you were born to do.

Love you buddy, stay safe and remember that there's at least a billon people on this planet who genuinely want to give you a hug. No fake smiles. Hell I'm not smiling I'm serious. And my hugs will break your goddamn ribs and I'll do it without a smile. I'll stare you in the eyes and hug you so hard you cry. And you'll say for the love of God, make a joke or something this is unbearably awkward and I'll just say, I can't. All I know are German jokes and German jokes are the wurst. Go live and have an adventure. Feel free to pm me if you ever want horrible, crazy advice.

Edit Wow.... I never expected this response, but the out-pour of warm, beautiful responses has filled my heart with joy. I've tried to respond to every single comment and message. I'm sorry if I missed yours. If anyone ever needs to talk, PM me, check out /r/suicidewatch, call a hotline. People really want to help you. Sometimes you just need to let them in. And MOST IMPORTANTLY, SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. There's no easy fix to depression, it's a dark well of sadness, but with help, you can move back into the light, one step at a time.

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u/nooodleees Aug 21 '16

Suicidal here. Your response made a difference because you took the time. Thank You!!

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u/TheRealRobertsIsDead Aug 21 '16

Are you going to try his advice? Fucking go for it, really do something like that. It would probably take a whole differnt kind of courage to actually do those things, but its worth a go. Don't keep waiting around until it's too late on some dark night.

One of my cousins killed himself about a week ago. He didn't have a lot going for him, but I had no idea he was suicidal. If you'd be open to telling, where are the flames coming from that are pushing you towards the window?

It's so wild that we are even alive, spinning through space on a rock. There's got to be something you want to do or try while we're here.

It could be a bad idea, but if you're close to the edge anyway, I wonder what effect a psychedelic like DMT might have. I've heard a bit about it, could give you a different perspective on things.

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u/nooodleees Aug 22 '16

I'm so terribly sorry for your cousins. Also, you can't ever know what crossroad might the other be at. Talked my mum and friend's baby brother out of it in the past 48 hours. Makes me more determined. Absolutely going to take it. I've anyways tried and failed and I do not wish to go back there. It's a constant battle but I'm putting up the orange cones against the option. I want to live. The multiple suicides in my family from about four generations ago have had this ripple effect on my life now. I feel answerable to the 6th kid in line wondering why. Can't control what's going on around me but I can definitely put a leash on what all doors I wish to keep open for myself. But, thank you. :)

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u/_DrPepper_ Aug 22 '16

Sounds like suicide runs in your family. Have you ever been to a neurologist or psychiatrist? They could prescribe you some temporary medication while you get your life back on track. I normally wouldn't recommend this but if it's a genetic issue, I totally understand. We see patients like this all the time. Just know it's not your fault that you feel/think like that. You just got the short end of the stick. Luckily, you're born during a time of great medical advancements that can assist you with these kind of problems. Just like kids with ADHD or OCD. I know you can do it. Just fight. You literally have nothing to lose. As a successful person myself, I've never met another successful person who wasn't a failure or hadn't hit rock bottom at one point in his/her life. I hit many and had many failures before I was successful. Became a doctor and then started my own business. It has nothing to do with being smart. I'm not any smarter than you. I just invest 10-12 hours a day of beating at my craft trying to improve my life and those around me. There's nothing greater than being able to give back. Let me tell you that. Let that piece of advice motivate you. Also, 6 vacations a year to tropical paradises are a blast. Back in the day, I was happy to just go to my neighboring city 15 miles away. Life can change in a short span. I changed my life in 4 years. That's all it took. 4 years of my life that I "sacrificed" to get to the point where I am now. Guess what, now I have the rest of my life to enjoy. Retired early and am the happiest guy. I work for fun/free in the medical field. My business is self-sufficient. I spend max 1-2 hours on it a day to make sure everything is functioning well. I travel to at least 6 different countries every year. A few of those I do volunteer work for the poor. Nothing greater than giving back. They can take my car. My house. All my money. I've succeeded already. My life is complete. I know you'll be there someday soon ;)

remember, 4 years to completely change your life and reach the stage you want to be. Simple, right?

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '16 edited Aug 26 '16

I'm kind of where you were when you turned it around. 10-12hr days on the wheel, providing value and improving, however painfully.

I think I can get to where you are now, though probably not as quickly and probably not to the same level. But I have to ask you something!

What bothers me is the fear that it will still all feel empty and pointless. Part of that may be due to my decision to not have children. Society has a vested interest in making us feel that reproduction is important, beyond the biological urges, and works against us even if we know reproduction is a bad idea. I don't know how much of my fear of feeling incomplete when I cash my Roth IRA is legitimate vs due to that programming.

It sounds like you made the same choice, by way of you not mentioning spouse or children, and that you successfully fulfilled whatever create/nurture/mentor needs you had with your business and employees.

Am I on target here? I read real satisfaction and happiness in your comment so I don't doubt your sentiment at all. Indeed you speak like the buddha, the bliss of real wisdom, in fact you sound cool as a motherfucker and seem to have the same priorities as me, fulfilled.

I just want to know, did you get there without starting a family?

I will not, cannot have one. I am much more emotionally independent than almost anyone I have ever met but I am becoming more social as I grow older and I don't know if that will last.

If any are curious about my decision:

My pedigree has been revealed to have lines of cancer, mental illness, and depression running through it, among other things, and I am close to 30 already so I am already too late to provide my offspring with an optimal biological foundation. Beyond that, my self knowledge makes me quite certain that I will follow the Great Santini school of parenting even if I try not to. In short I think I wouldn't want to be my kid.

So I got a vasectomy. No regrets there, but I ask myself: if I've already committed biological suicide in the grand scheme, why stick around for whatever mortal pleasures life has remaining for me? I've done a lot of cool stuff already, getting old smoothly is a lot of work, and whatever exists beyond death for my consciousness (very likely nothing, I know) is an infinite possibility.

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u/IntelligentOption269 11d ago

Randomly came across this post doing research for a project. Saw your comment. I hope you're safe and still here.

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u/amberyoshio Aug 21 '16

I really feel how genuine you are about what you are saying. I do not know the writer's struggles either and have never felt that kind of depression or sadness but try to imagine the mind set. I have felt depressed and sad but can see a light or a path back. Getting away from the mundane and superficial kind of life goes a long way. I don't think we as humans were meant to live the way most of us do today. We work for someone else, do the same routine that most of us don't even like doing because we were taught to be safe, careful, and cautious. That if we try to take a different path, we will surly fail. We are complex creatures who need variety. Taking risks don't always turn out well but it may be better than eating oatmeal every day for the rest of our lives. I get what you are suggesting and I think it is good advice. I don't want to trivialize or make depression seem small or solvable but it wouldn't hurt anything to try.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

I understand. I've been under that magnifying glass of self-analysis that lends itself to deep wells of depression. I've hurt myself and considered suicide, though never attempted it. What always stopped me was similar to /u/ImEnhanced, it was family and the thought of my mother's loss, not my own. But ultimately, I do have a lot to lose. More than my narrow perspective realizes. When I consider the pain and suffering that SO many people throughout history have experience and continued living, it changes my perspective.

Now, I don't mean to belittle the silent killer. Emotional trauma is the biggest pain and obstacle in most people's lives. It's a subjective pain that can't be compared. It doesn't matter where it comes from. It doesn't matter if it's internal or external. That pain is so real. But, it helps to remember that you can survive for more than three days without water, a week without food, multiple bullet wounds, a minute without oxygen. Your body doesn't want to die. It wants to fight for one more breathe, always. That's why I see suicide as a tremendously brave thing to do. I don't see it as smart, commendable, or something to encourage, but.....

That action is the same fear that soldiers face on D-Day. It's the same fear that Achilles faced when he fought Troy. It's the same fear that your grandfather faced in the camps in Germany. It's the same fear that cavemen faced when they heard a growl in the dark. But we prevail and continue on because we are stronger than that fear. And if you have the strength and the power to do that, if you have the strength and power to stop yourself from doing it, if you have the strength and power to carry on through that pain every fucking day, aren't you just like them? A warrior? And as a warrior who is so hard to kill, why let today be the day? No death is easy and it shouldn't be. But you only have one life and if you're ready to leave the ones you love behind, why not make a pitstop on the way? There's gotta be one more thing you want to do, one more movie you want to see, one more meal, or one more country to visit. I mean, there is a guy known for living with Grizzly bears for like 2-3 years. He just lived with bears. He probably had some serious close calls but he stuck with it, because bears were more than death. The bears got him. But he did something that no one else has ever done and may never do again, all because he didn't fear death. If you're that close to embracing death then, try to remember that that means you no longer have the same obstacles that everyone else has. We are all limited by our own fear of death and someone who faces that fear can do anything. Like I said before, and I don't mean to encourage anyone, but if you're that close to death's door, don't just walk through. Make a bold fucking exit. There is no bold entrance to death because it ends and we don't know that mystery. But you can make a bold exit from life and help someone or learn what it means to feel adrenaline coursing through your veins. Credit cards bills don't legally apply to the dead, so take those skydiving lessons, swim with the sharks, or become a big wave surfer. Tame rattlesnakes and be a living target for a knife thrower. Love computers, go find Edward Snowden. Love movies? Fucking go find Bill Murray. But most importantly, go find yourself. We are all driven by something, figure out what drives you before you leave this little island called Earth.

And again, it's so important for me to convey that I do believe that the personal pain you go through is so very real and so very painful. But, you haven't always felt this way and you won't always. And the only reason you can feel so sad is because you once felt so happy. So, if you're sadder than you've ever been, just know that that means you now have the capacity to be more happy than you've ever been. Without shadow, light gives us no texture. It tells us nothing. Without that contrast, we do not exist. So while that sadness brings you lower than you've ever been, that means the heights you can now go are higher than ever before. I hope that you give yourself one more opportunity to climb out of that hole you find yourself in. Maybe you'll taste that air that, until now, you choked on, and you'll find it to be the sweetest air you've ever breathed.

But seriously, at the very least, go buy a German Chocolate Cake and devour that motherfucker because nothing is more delicious than German Chocolate Cake. Ok, I'm sorry if I was insensitive to anyone. It just pains me to see someone hurt so bad. I've ruined relationships because they threatened to commit suicide and I have been and always will be wiling to lose a friend by trying too hard, than to lose a friend by not trying hard enough. All the love.

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u/Lithiuum Aug 21 '16

Thanks man, thank you a lot

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

You are a warrior and you've danced a dance I'm too fearful to dance. It sounds like the perfect time to pick up a new hobby!

But listen, if you ever find yourself in that place again, send me a message. No one has to know but me. I don't know you so you can be comfortable in your anonymity. We can share secrets and that stay secret from each other and maybe bring each other a smile. I'm glad you're feeling better and I hope that feeling lasts. :D <3

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

Dude, you made me cry.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

All these warm, happy responses have been making my face a bit moist as well. I didn't expect this kind of reaction.

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u/onlythemarvellous Aug 21 '16

As someone who's been flirting with the idea for three years now, thank you.

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u/Teutorigos Aug 22 '16

Keep up the Good Fight.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

It's time to get a new crush. ;)

PM me if you ever want to talk. I'll always respond, even if it takes me a day.

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u/insanebits Aug 21 '16

That was probably the most inspiring comment I've ever read, fuck those pretty posters with inspiring words. It feels real and honest. It reminds me of a saying "the most damaged people are the kindest", that may not be the exact words but it makes sense as you've been that road and know how it really feels.

As for the /u/ImEnhanced I'd like to add, or rather tell it in my own words, that you should search for something worth living, it might be a person, hobby, or even try making world a better place by helping those in need. They won't give you a fake smiles for sure.

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u/dimepiece1982 Aug 22 '16

This was quite beautiful...I can honestly say that I lost myself in your post and in doing so...I found myself in that lost place!

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Just watch out for the Smoke Monster. ;)

Thanks, I'm glad to hear it.

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u/rageandwhatever Nov 11 '16

Thanks for taking the time to type all of this. I don't know you but I wish I did, those were very kind lovely words. Almost reminded me of myself few years back.

Don't let anybody kill all this love you have =)

p.s. This is random but if you were my pen pall I would start my letters to you with "Dearest friend,"

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

What 'hurts to try' is living another day feeling psychologically tortured.

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u/ladygoodgreen Aug 21 '16

I've seen so many of these "Reddit strangers saying nice things to someone who has confessed they are suicidal" comments, but yours is perfect. Brought tears to my eyes. And you're right. If you're hopeless, doing something outrageous and radical is the best last resort. You have nothing to lose, and it might just save you.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I just came here to make sure this was here.

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u/RXience Aug 22 '16

Amazing!

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u/Blind_Sypher Aug 21 '16 edited Aug 21 '16

I think your lacking insight on something fundamental about depression. Depressed people lack the drive to do anything. Its easy to suggest they should do something wild and crazy if theyre gonna go out anyways, but its the apathy and aversion to life and any activity that drives people to do it. Its a much deeper problem then not getting out enough.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Yeah, I read that and just felt... empty. No. I won't do any of those things. If I had a care free attitude I wouldn't even be here.

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u/Theonethatgotherway Aug 22 '16 edited Aug 22 '16

Agreed. But here is where we diverge. Yea I can't imagine anything but sitting in bed all day and waiting to feel better. Something anything. Then i have to pee. Getting up to pee becomes the enemy. Daunting. Literally getting up to pee is the equivalent of booking a ticket to mexico with the last of my savings($324) and calling an uber to the airport. Its the first step. Any step is impossible. But taking it is all the same to me at that point. What /u/nostalgichero is saying is that if it's all the same, " here dobthis thing instead." everything's made up and the points don't matter. It's all impossible from where I'm sitting. Robot mode is robot mode. If you can muster the strength to program in bathroom or feeding mode, do mexico mode instead. Nothing to lose.

Edit: after reflecting im realizing that the original statement is in reference to the suicidal and not the depressed. Having been both there is a huge difference. The point still stands, but is much easier as a suicidal person as you have already made the decision and enacted something drastic. Whereas a depressed person has not yet reached that level of desperation. All I'm saying is: you're going to kill yourself: do something else just as alienating and drastic. You cannot fail. Or... You're depressed: I can't get out of bed but have to: do something else in the same robotic way you go at any nevessary activity. I did. Im alive. I don't regret it. It's tge precursor to something great. Theres just something refreshingly clear about the decisions you make based on the view from rock bottom.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Every pool of depression is different. Sometimes it's a clear, refreshing pool. The sadness wakes me up and makes me enjoy life more when I surface again. Sometimes the pool is murky and the light doesn't reach the bottom. Those times, you're sure you'll drown. But just remember, be air. Air churns and condenses and burns and all sorts of things, but in the end, it rises. It rises to the top to run another cycle.

Depression is not something a few words will break. Suicide, often isn't either. But it's such a drastic measure, a sudden shock of pain or realization can snap you out of it, like that time I had to punch myself in the face to put the knife down. My comment is a slap. A slap to take a step away from the ledge, but it's no flotation device. It won't raise you from the depths of that pool. Only you can swim out and then, once you're close to surface, the rest of us can give you a hand for that final leg.

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u/leptoquark Aug 22 '16

I'm with you. There was a day when these ideas would have evoked some kind of response in me, perhaps something like "excitement", "interest", or even "sadness". But now I simply respond with nothing. Emptiness. If I consider it a bit further I feel the slighest something, repulsion at the idea of having to move my body unnecessarily for something that would illicit a response no different than sitting here and staring at the wall.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

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u/homunculus87 Aug 22 '16

You are a fighter! I admire people like you who can carry on despite the apathy, despite the abyss that stares into you and turns (almost) every joy to ash. For others or for yourself. You are a beacon that other people look up to.

I myself get a glimpse at what depression feels like from time to time and I wish you from the bottom of my heart that you have the strength to carry on and to some day lead a normal life again.

I guess you are already in therapy, but if not, then please do seek professional help. I'm sure it will help you and the ones you love.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

[deleted]

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u/homunculus87 Aug 22 '16

It is great that you raise your daughter responsibly and protect her from the abuse you yourself suffered.

I'll think about you occasionally, reminding myself what a disciplined and courageous person one can be in the face of severe adversity. :-) Please, keep it up. I hope you and your daughter can enjoy lots of time together.

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u/Zee_Mug Aug 22 '16

I think it depends on why you're feeling suicidal. People feel that way for different reasons, and if what he wrote helps one person even feel a little bit better, then it was a good post :)

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u/PerceivedRT Aug 22 '16

Yeah. As someone with depression, occasionally dipping into the deep deep scary side, the post would be meaningless in the moment. That soul crushing despair doesn't just say "oh, you want to spend weeks selling your possessions so you can go skydiving in Mexico? I'll wait." It crushes every fibre of your being until you don't have the motivation to even get out of bed at times. The post was beautiful, but ignorance really can be bliss it seems.

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u/idiots04 Aug 22 '16

music listen to it

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u/asherah156 Aug 22 '16

Thank you. Depressed here and was trying to figure out how to explain that while the above comment is very sweet, it's...it's so fucking hard. It's not that I couldn't technically do it - go take a spontaneous trip and fish and sit under waterfalls. I could. And maybe it would help, even though I just got home from being abroad and I feel no better.

I'm just proud of myself for feeding myself and getting dressed and staying alive. That was hard enough today. To muster up the amount of energy to even get to an airport again? Come on. The problem's in my thinking, in my habits, in everything I take with me wherever I go - even where there's beautiful sunsets and drinks with umbrellas and kind, loving people - depression turns all joy into ash and sand in your mouth.

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u/Blind_Sypher Aug 22 '16

Meditation and aerobic excersise helps out a lot. Both your thought patterns and overall sense of well being will improve after a month or so. Considerably I might add. They helped me out if a major multi year depression.

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '16

I think it's important for those of us who experience depression to understand that we don't necessarily respond the same way to the same kinds of things as those who don't have this experience. I guess I mean, what makes other people happy won't necessarily make us happy, and that's ok. I experience something similar to happiness when I just go for a day without crying. Or when I don't drink myself into a stupor to fall asleep. I still sometimes am able to enjoy something beautiful along with everyone else, but I guess it's just important to be really honest with yourself about where you are, what you're capable of processing, and be in the moment, which of course is easier said than done. Thinking of getting on a plane is, sometimes, just going to make those thoughts go even worse, because they create an even greater distance between where we are and where we perceive other people to be. I don't know, instead of focusing on creating an experience that will bring you out of it, focus on getting something out of the experiences you do have. That was pretty long, sorry. But keep getting through it.

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u/Throwzway2 Aug 22 '16

Apathy isn't really understood by people that haven't experienced it.

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u/Peterson459 Aug 21 '16

I love your comment, but I think the advice is so easier said than done that's it's nearly impossible.

The problem with suicidal people isn't just that they want to kill themselves, it's that they are depressed as well.

It's hard to live life on the extreme until you die when you can't even get out of bed. If it was just suicidal thoughts that were plaguing people, I'm sure you would see a lot more of "suicide tourism", traveling and doing crazy shit until something killed you.

Unfortunately, people who are suicidal usually can't even bother to get in their car to go to the corner store.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

I know. And frankly, I don't expect my comment to make anyone take this advice. But, it might give them a goal. Most people, suicidal or not, won't feel comfortable walking out on everything in their life. But if a small seed is planted, that helps someone create a goal that helps them rise from depression, it will have helped someone.

I totally know that what I'm saying is a load of fantasy and well-wishes, but sometimes, you need a fantasy to distract you from the pain. Fantasy has always been my escape of choice, so I'm trying to give someone a fantasy of their own making. I can't, unfortunately, give you advice to get out of depression. I don't really know how. It's always different for me. Some little something changes my view or something. But I've lived with a suicidal depressed person and I see him every Christmas. I get to hear about how my brother stabbed himself on a whim, hoping he'd die, but not, all at the same time. That contradiction of hopelessness, fear, and a perverse desire to experience the unknown is unfathomable unless you are there. But just like we all want to let the car drift a little and see what happens when you stop steering your life, most of us grab the wheel again and carry on our way.

If there's no cars around and no one to hurt. Take the car as far as you can and see what new land you wind up in. The only thing I can offer to those depressed is my time, love, and a whole slew of terrible puns. But, I can knot untie my own experiences from this tangled mess we call life. My opinions are always biased.

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u/MmmmMorphine Aug 22 '16 edited Aug 22 '16

This, sadly, is exactly what I came here to say - while i also admire the sentiment and have really struggled to try to put it into practice, it sidesteps the subjective experience of depression that underlies 'rational' suicidal impulses.

In a sense I feel that's exactly DFW's point here. One can scarcely claim that the people who flung themselves out of window to escape the flames behind them could have somehow chosen to ignore them indefinitely. The same goes for the despair inherent in deep depression

In any case, I certainly admire the sentiment echoed in such thinking. Even though it's essentially fantasy, it certainly is uplifting in a way I think really resonates with suicidal people. We still want to have a happy life as much as anyone

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

Well, I hope your parents are as happy that you came out of it all as I am. Thanks! Would you like to hear another joke?

How do you find Will Smith on the beach?

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u/rowanbrierbrook Aug 22 '16

I think you might have misread the comment. I believe u/profesordoom lost both parents to suicide, not that they once were suicidal.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Oh jesus. Before I apologize let me just remove my foot from my mouth. I'm sincerely sorry for any misunderstanding of my own, /u/profesordoom

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u/krzykris11 Aug 21 '16

Outstanding advice. It's very motivational.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

Yea I love my life and he's got me thinking about selling my house and eating peaches.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

Well that's because peaches are fucking fantastic and you can probably survive a solid couple months on peaches alone. Those could well be the best 3-peach-filled-months of your life. :) Who knows?

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

Lol I swear you said drink in the sun and eat peaches from Somalia. Apparently I'm still drunk.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

Living Life!

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

If being naked in bed at 4pm is living. Call me captain fucking America

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Sometimes there is nothing more liberating than running around your house naked, mocking all the filthy Pantsers walking outside.

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u/fiddledebob Aug 22 '16

Grampa did it. Died of the cancer amll the same, but he had his peaches.

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u/Sleeplessinwa Aug 22 '16

I was thinking the same thing!

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u/BrandtSprout Aug 21 '16

So if you're really thinking about going out, don't do death a favor and do it yourself, make death find you.

That's some quality shit right thur.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16 edited Jul 08 '19

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

If you’re strong enough to take that blade and draw it across your skin. If you’re strong enough to take those pills and swallow them when no one’s home. If you’re strong enough to tie that rope and hang it from the ceiling fan. If you’re strong enough to jump off that bridge, my friend. You are strong enough, to live.”

I guess my point is that, like you said, the best you can do is say what the fuck and give life all you've got. You have nothing to lose, and so so much to gain. I don't say that without realizing just how fucking hard it is. I've been hospitalized twice since last May, and I've seen people go through what I did and so much worse. The human spirit is far more resilient than we realize, and we're all capable of winning this battle. But some of us can't do it alone. So please, for anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts or depression in general, reach out to somebody. A therapist, a friend, a stranger on Reddit, anybody.

I don't even have anything to say. You said it all. Every word. The whole comment. Beautiful. I can't upvote you enough. Bury my comment and send this to the top. This deserves to be on FP.

It is hard, but people like you help make it easier.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

If you really wanted to die you would go out with a bang, like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, sell everything you have and go out drinking and fucking yourself to death. But the suicider often doesn't do this, they struggle in their predicament, knowing they shouldnt commit suicide despite wanting to. After all, they have a great life in the West, their immediate survival needs are met despite metaphors they aren't: window with a raging fire behind them. That fire is located entirely within the confines of their mind.

This is why I think there should be no taboos against suicide. If you want to do it, just do it. It's your life and no one but you should have complete sovereignty over it. The entire struggle of self death melts away when you realize only you should be able to have control over you and your life, no one should tell you otherwise. Holding onto your life is similar to holding onto your breath, to grasp it is to lose it. You musnt fall into the trap of attempting to grasp and cling to life, for it isn't something to be grasped, its something to be lived. It's an experience, which means you can only know it by diving head first into it. And then a funny thing happens. Once you accept that you can die if you want, you don't want to do it anymore. You want to go die the way human beings naturally do: by living. Remember that lots of people slowly commit suicide every day in many different ways. Whether its drinking yourself to death, extreme sports, or just going to the office every day. And by god, as a formerly chronically suicidal person with childhood physical and sexual abuse, it is SO freeing to not take life so goddamn seriously.

This is the way Zen teaches it at least. If you ever feel depressed I really suggest listening to some Alan Watts on Youtube, it will blow your mind.

Hopefully this post isn't interpreted to be encouraging suicide, because it isn't.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I was listening to Alan Watts on Friday. I completely agree. Suicide comes in many forms, slow or sudden. While I do agree that your life is your own, I also understand the obligation to family. It is absolutely what has always made me pause.

But realizing that death is coming for you no matter what, sometime alleviates the suicide thoughts. I don't need to kill myself. Death is hungry and patient. It will accept me with open arms any day, so I might as well let death come to me, rather than gift wrap it for him. Find your death, don't create it. That's my two cents. Go out and live as hard as you can until death comes to you.

Also, I dated a girl that was physically and sexually abused and almost murdered. I've never met someone with a more passionate death wish and desire to live in my life. She was the kind of person, when getting mugged, would walk into the knife and say, "So, what are you gonna do now bitch?" Goddamn, I wish we were on better terms. But she is well and living life her way. Your past is not you. It's just a chapter in a long, long book.

In 8th grade, yearbook asked us what we were most likely to do in the future. I said Drown. They fucking made up some bullshit about me hosting a tv show and stole my baby photo. I was pissed.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Goddamn that girl sounds amazing haha. I can say all day I don't care about death but when someone pulls a knife I'll run like a bitch. But taking life less seriously is something I think everyone needs to do. And yeah, but I'd argue your past isn't even a chapter in a long book. That's just how we choose to perceive it. It's a long thing so I won't get into it, Alan Watts talks about it and so does Eckart Toll, but the only thing that ever exists is the present, for even memories are activated from the present. Time is not at all how humans perceive it. One thing I always keep in mind is, for all I know, every moment in my life up until now (the moment of awareness) has been a memory implanted in my brain. That creates a much different interpretation of those past events than if those events had actually happened. It's not that the former is true, its that we have no way of telling, and thus you have to make an assumption based on how it will impact your life, and people often assume things did happen just so they can delusionally feel bad about themselves. This isn't even getting into the fact that our memory of the past is a distortion and even our interpretation is extremely relative.

Or that we are just worthless bags of self conscious meat flying around a rock, is a belief you are choosing to believe in, so you reap what you sow. It's why all of this is ultimately self-inflicted. People are often depressed because they choose to be. You have trillions of ways to interpret events but sometimes we choose to make ourselves feel pain. Since I believe strongly in reincarnation I think its because feeling pain is all part of living the 'drama' of life, to be human.

The biggest thing with suicide, and depression in general is people just have fundamentally incorrect views on the universe and our place within it. In my opinion.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

That's a deep philosophical thought. And one I've thought about before but I need to take a second look at, because you put it beautifully.

Though, I would like to point out that we are, in a sense, like little biological machines and sometimes our gears and fluids get out of wack and we can't just fix ourselves....

But I do agree that how you frame your reality makes all the difference. I've never listened to Eckhart Toll. I'll have to look into him.

Excellent comment! Really is making me think.

I once had a "matrix" like experience when I tried the legal drug Salvia.... yeah, don't ever fucking take that stuff, but it did present the thought experiment of what if all my memories were false. It was a scary thought.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Thanks lol. I agree we can't just 'fix' ourselves, even if we are in control. Since I believe in Enlightenment though, there is a frame of mind that anyone can tap into at any time, where you totally just accept everything. Pure acceptance. It usually just pops up, it just 'happens', outside of the dualism of freewill-determinism. I think part of it might be from the dissolution of the self, since when you don't exist, things can't happen to you, nor can you choose. Where we draw the line of 'ourselves' is equally delusional and quite trippy.

I take a bit of mushrooms and LSD and I hear frequently that Salvia is the 'evil' side of those. They connect well with this though, Alan Watts wrote a whole book on LSD and how its a confirmation of Buddhist/Zen thought but I haven't read it. Psychedelics definitely destroy your notions of reality and have been medically proven to help with depression.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I agree. I totally understand and seek that state you mentioned. Though, I don't try to push it on everyone because I know some people with serious depression and they don't generally appreciate it.

But, I have experimented with most of the hallucinogens. I just recently had a wonderful Stand By Me camping Trip that was just stunning. I find that the most frequent visualizations I get are Hindu in nature, which is wild because I know so little about the religion or even the imagery.

Have you ever read The Tibetan Book on Living and Dying? It's different than the book of the dead. I sadly, never finished it and lent it out only to never see it again. But what I did read was incredibly powerful and it sounds like you'd really enjoy it.

My Salvia experience was a complete black-out and I woke up in an infinite plane, that resembled a piss filled test tube, with no recollection of having taken drugs. A squid-like creature popped up and congratulated me on being selected as the Entree of Honor at the biggest celebration of the year and that all of my happy memories would make me taste delicious. Of course those memories were fake and didn't I just love my mother? That was Dave's work, the things he can do with Maternal love...

I'm just standing there stunned about to implode in a black hole of existential depression when the squid turns into my safety guide and says,

Strong shit huh?

Poof, I was out of it and I've never been happier or in more physical pain from recreational drugs.

Don't do Salvia kids...Not even once. You won't get addicted. It just sucks.

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '16

I've never done DMT but that sounds horrifyingly JUST like a DMT trip, but with fear instead of love. I know what you mean about the Hindu visualizations though, if they look anything like Alex Greys art, which is supposed to be a great representation of the visualizations on DMT. I love psychedelics but have a family history of schizophrenia so am naturally afraid.

Never read the Tibetan Book on Living and Dying but I have read the book of the dead, and thought it was lackluster. I'll check it out though. I'm into Ram Dass (who was Timothy Learys 'partner' for a time) and he recommends them both. I'm very skeptical of Tibetan Buddhism though, I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept reincarnation and other components in the literal sense that they do, chinese/japanese buddhism is way more secular. As far as I'm concerned the Dali Lama's full of shit :P

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '16

Haha no problem. and Yeah, I read the more secular first half of the book, so I'm probably biased. I do love me some Japanese Zazen though.

Be careful with the Schizophrenia... I had a friend in college who had a schizophrenic episode from getting too high. Almost dropped out of school. Starting writing his inalienable rights on his body, accusing the building of silencing him, planes following him, students studying were rehearsing lines and reading the lines he was about to say....at one point he snapped at me and accused him of injecting him with a mindwipe drug.... scary stuff dude. Just don't let yourself get wrapped up in your mind. Keep a strong grip on reality. He is a smart dude and doesn't have those issues now. But every once in a while I'll smoke with him and hear him say something crazy like how Motogp is a choreographed fraud, and I'm like people die doing this, dude... Anyway...

In regards to DMT vs. Salvia. I've heard that comparison before. A friend of mine with much more experience describes it like getting splinched between dimensions. The whole experience tends to be awful but the come down feels like the worst kind of body soreness. Like growing pains. It sucks.

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u/jimbolic Aug 27 '16

Hey there. Darn you... I read (to myself) up to "what could happen, you get AIDS and die. Who cares?" and was laughing so much from the forward language, I decided to read from the beginning again out loud to my husband. Then I reach the last paragraph and I start choking up because it's so d@mn beautiful... I couldn't continue reading out loud anymore.

This was beautifully expressed.

And to u/ImEnhanced, I'd give you a hug too, without the smiles.

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u/[deleted] Aug 29 '16

Well, I'm just blown away that a week later, I'm still getting such heartwarming messages. Thank you.

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u/cgi_bin_laden Aug 21 '16

A for effort, but in the end this is just another "just get some exercise! It'll all be better!"

No. Just no.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16 edited Aug 21 '16

Hey man, I understand that you disagree with what I'm saying, but I'm going to upvote you anyway. I'd like to point out that I'm not saying just get exercise. In fact, I'm not saying you shouldn't commit suicide at all. I'm just trying to point out that most of us live every day terrified of death. We live every moment under the constant impression that we will wake up tomorrow and we base every thing we do around that. Then you wake up 40 years later and you find time is up and those goals you had aren't going to be finished.

When you breach that wall, when you accept death and no longer run from it. You are a human unlike any other. You are unstoppable and now the only person who can and will stop you is yourself. Maybe you'll stay depressed and maybe you'll keep being suicidal, but if there was ever a thing you were afraid of doing, now is the time to do it. If you fail, congratulations, you killed yourself. If you succeeded, congratulations, you can go kill yourself. But I'm just trying to convey that there is always one more thing you can do, one more kiss you can steal, one more fresh loaf of bread you can smell. Maybe you hate all those things. But it's not about the exercise, it's about giving yourself one last gift. One last experience, a final chapter. And if at the end of that chapter, you're ready for your book to end, then you've arrived, but maybe just one person out of a hundred, will write that next chapter and decide that their book isn't over. That's all I can ask. I can't help everyone, but if I help one, I've done enough.

I mentioned it to someone else, but the only way you can feel sad is by being happy and the only way you can feel happy is being sad. So just remember that nothing lasts forever. Surely, any suicidal person can agree or they wouldn't believe in suicide. If you don't think that you'll last forever, how can your emotions. So just remember, if you're sadder than you've ever been, just know that that means you now have the capacity to be more happy than you've ever been. Without shadow, light gives us no texture. It tells us nothing. Without that contrast, we do not exist. So while that sadness brings you lower than you've ever been, that means the heights you can now go are higher than ever before. I hope that you give yourself one more opportunity to climb out of that hole you find yourself in. Maybe you'll taste that air that, until now, you choked on, and you'll find it to be the sweetest air you've ever breathed. I hope this helps, you or anyone else. I don't know what else I could say that is merely words and doesn't require my presence, medication, or professional help.

In the end, isn't any advice, boiled down to it, "just get some exercise." "Just try something different."

Maybe you've tried it all. But, if you want to talk with me, we can talk about everything you've tried and maybe we will find one last thing you haven't done. I know one thing you haven't done... You haven't called me and I'd really love to hear from you.

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u/WeisoEirious Aug 21 '16

Dude you've said exactly what I've talked to my buddy about. His Dad shot himself in the heart twice then tried to put one in his mouth. They found him with the gun in his mouth with just two in the heart, I guess you could say he tried. Any who we've discussed the ideal behind suicide and come to the conclusion that its better to let death find you. If you call him for long enough he's sure to show.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

Oh god. That's horribly tragic. Give your friend a hug from me. But I'm glad you guys came to that conclusion because, we're all gonna die someday. But if you're ready to go because your life is too painful or too boring, and you're still mobile and active.... Then now is the time to laugh and mock death at it's weak feeble attempts to get you. We are frail and if you seek it, you will find it. But that doesn't mean you can't have a life changing experience on the way and maybe have a little fun. Who knows, you might even get a movie about yourself starring Emile Hirsch. But then... You'd never get to see it. So, my best recommendation is to do something amazing and live long enough to see the movie about it. I would probably become a squirrel suit filmmaker because I want to fly.

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u/WeisoEirious Aug 21 '16

Starts moving arms up and down at you '\•/`

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

I don't generally cry from reading comments on Reddit but dude, you got me. I have lived in that dark place where life seems so terrible and frightening that it seems easier and oddly safer to just end it all. I had some good friends that saw it happening and they did to me what you offered to this person. It was transformative and your words just brought me back to that place of love and acceptance that poured forth from them. What a great post and what a great person you must be. Thanks for just being here!

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u/denvit Aug 21 '16

German jokes are the wurst

Well done

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Ah ah.... I see what you did. lol XD

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

That was beautiful. Thank you so much. Just what I needed on a long day.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I'm glad.

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u/MissMesmerist Aug 22 '16

.. Some people want to kill themselves because they like, can't stop their urges to molest children or something.

So.. like. I dunno. Humanist approach isn't always great advice.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Well, in that instance, going out by helping the world might mean taking their own life. If harming someone else is your only option... then you should seek help and commit yourself. If you look to ISIS and all you see is glorious fantasies, you should seek professional help.

Never harm another being, especially when lashing out from your own fraught emotions.

If you're ever in doubt, ever at all, you should seek professional help. No stranger on reddit will cure your thoughts of pedophilia. But if talking to someone is what you need, if encouraging words is what you need. I got you.

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u/SheBurnsss Aug 22 '16

This is amazing and wonderful advice. Just wow. You're a great human.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

:D Aw, Thank you. I'm just another shitty person like all the others. But We've all got the capacity for greatness and to help others You too. I'm glad my words made you feel better.

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u/SheBurnsss Aug 23 '16

I don't think a shitty person would have taken the time to type all of that out. I agree, we all have the ability to reach out and should do so more often. My Grandmother had attempted suicide multiple times and as one can imagine it's been very difficult to go through. She lived in a small town for years where people treated her terribly..I wish one among them had been like you. So again, thank you. I will definitely put your words to good use with others in my life.

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '16

Wow, I don't know how old your grandma was at the time, but I rarely think about Elderly suicide and it just suddenly made me so very sad. I know a lot of the elderly don't have many people left in this world they can't reach out to and sometimes none.

I grew up in a small town, also. I know how it is when it seems like everyone is against you and the community is so insular you have nowhere to go. :( I hope she's in peace now.

I try to go caroling at the old folks home near my house every year and if you're ever feeling down, just go sing some Christmas songs to people at retirement homes. You'll never meet more gracious people. But the whole thing takes me maybe 30 minutes, plus a rehearsal, and I like to think that everyone gets a little bit out of it.

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u/heavyrolo Aug 22 '16

I say damn, son.

And more likely than not, more people than not needed to feel this. The grammatical errors, though small, bring it to an extremely relatable thing.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I canot stop my overhwleming ignornce

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u/LethargicAndfatigued Aug 22 '16

I think I just fell in love with you. Your words are infectious, venture out into the world unknown and die having achieved something - Experiencing something that you wouldn't have experienced had you killed yourself.

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u/choochoosaresafe Aug 22 '16

Dude, that was beautiful.

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u/RXience Aug 22 '16

All I know are German jokes and German jokes are the wurst

Let me be honest here - I cracked a smile at that one.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Well u just saved alot of lives.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I know it comes off that way. And I don't intend it to be insensitive. My comment doesn't really apply to the truly desperate or those locked into their lives through debt, family, or medical emergencies. Those things can't just be run away from.

But, I've been through a couple stages of depression and a brief suicidal period myself and I'm aware that being outside, interacting with people.... they are the last things I would want to do. The core idea that my comment spurred from was the top-level commenter talking about the fake smiles he/she deals with. And I just really wanted to encourage them to escape from people for a while. A toxic environment is harmful to everyone and getting out into nature can help put some perspective.

But like all my comments, including this one, it snowballed into a spitball comment sandwich of ideas. When you're at the end of your rope. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. Don't listen to a stranger on reddit.

With that being said, I've known a lot of people who aren't truly suicidal, they're manic depressive, maybe. They're fleeting escapists which the potential to kill themselves in a moment of unthinking. And for them, for Lindzay, for Kyle, for Jim... run away first before you're taken away and maybe you can still escape.

And some people, they lose their fear of death and enter a romantic relationship with it. Call suicide utilitarian all day, because it is, but there really are people who romanticize it, death that is. I think it's important for those people to know that losing your fear of death is the most powerful and liberating thing they have. If they could only utilize it for the better, their own and others, they might lose that fetish and come to love life more than death.

But /u/theroni is right, when you are the very end of your rope, no kind words or fantastic escapism is gonna save you. Seek a professional, for your own sake and for the sake of those that love you.

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u/PillowGoing Feb 10 '17

You are on the sidewalk yelling don't jump. This is exactly the kind of thing David Foster Wallace is talking about in the quote. Your life is the burning building, you can't just say "Oh well this building is cooked anyway, nothing to lose if I just reimagine the building." You can't get away from it and that is the whole POINT of jumping. With all due respect, you do not know what you're talking about. Don't think cause the other people on the sidewalk gave you a pat on the back that its the right idea and you should tell more people to just go change their lives because they have nothing to lose. Its nowhere near that simple. I'm not trying to insult you, if you feel offended its your ego talking again, I'm simply saying, as is evident by your response, you do not know what you're talking about, and shouldn't go on telling suicidal people to just go camping or dedicate their life to something cause they have nothing to lose. You are on the sidewalk. Read DFWs quote again.

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u/[deleted] Feb 14 '17 edited Feb 14 '17

Look man, I agree it is terrible advice and I pretty much said that at the end of my comment. I also said this is my perspective. This is what helped me. I'm sorry that humans are all different and react differently to all manner of things. But I would also like to point out that you are doing the exact same thing to me, that you are attacking me for. Every person is different, even Foster fucking Wallace can't tell me how my depression affects me. That's for me to know and understand.

I don't expect my words to be an end-all cure for anyone. For me, I needed motivation and inspiration and these kinds of thoughts helped me. Now, unless you are my doctor, I would ask you to refrain from trying to diagnose or prescribe me anything as you don't know my medical history. You don't know anything about me and know less about what you are talking about than I do.

I asked for zero upvotes. I wanted no pats. I expected nothing. I am as shocked as you that my crap comment moved enough people to get that kind of response. Did you take the time to speak to the user I was addressing? Have you asked him if he is ok? Do you actually give a shit about anyone or are you just enjoying attacking people who ARE willing to give their time to someone suffering? Even if it is just a comment, at least I'm trying. But please, see below.

This was 5 months ago, what does it say about you that your sole desire when you see this comment is to attack me and ignore the person who actually is suffering?

I would like to direct you to the most important part of my post and the only, SINGLE THING that I emphasized....

check out /r/suicidewatch, call a hotline. People really want to help you. Sometimes you just need to let them in. And MOST IMPORTANTLY, SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.

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u/NeighborhoodProof133 Jan 06 '23

I dont know how to put it into words at the moment, but your response helped me tonight. Thank you.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '23

And words can't express how happy I am to hear that. Thank you for being here.

I hope this message helps you when you are feeling hopeless. There are always other options out there and people that want to help.

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u/Papitoooo Aug 21 '16

Fuck it man you get gold. That was beautiful.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

Dude thank you. I really didn't expect my comment to get any traction, but it kind of chokes me up that my words had a positive impact on some people. :D Thanks a lot. I hope you're having a great Sunday.

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u/wunderstrucckk Aug 21 '16

This is probably the most genuine and beautiful piece of advice I have ever read, I love you for this

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u/yousyveshughs Aug 21 '16

You transcend what it is to be an amazing, beautiful person. Thank you.

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u/thejerradsays Aug 21 '16

Thank you.

Something like this makes me look at how I'm feeling. If I'm brave enough to kill myself, why am I not brave enough to do anything else.

I'm just scared and feeling lonely in a world full of people.

Just scared.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16 edited Aug 21 '16

This world is huge. I feel intimidated all the time. I look online and I see so many people more talented than me. But, when I do what I do, I still have fun. I find that it's only when I try to vicariously live through others through facebook or whatever, that I begin to feel down. I never feel like I'm not living my life when I read an amazing book, but when I hear about a friend who read an amazing book, I think I'm wasting my life, not reading the great classics.

Sometimes, you just gotta turn off the computer and tv and go for a walk and do something that only you enjoy. Don't invite anyone. Don't let anyone bring you down. Just relish in the enjoyment that you're giving yourself without trying to compare yourself to anyone. Ultimately, our lives are like a million times better than any human's was 10,000 years ago, sometimes we just lose the way and forget that our lives aren't made up of tv and facebook, but rather, real experiences. Everyone gets sad. Everyone gets depressed. But most people don't tell you about it, so you feel alone. But deep down we're all feeling the same, some of us are just more afraid to speak than others.

/u/thejerradsays, You are brave. Don't let anyone or anything tell you otherwise.

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u/pretzelzetzel History Aug 22 '16

This and the 4chan post it apes lack the most fundamental and important understanding of depression. Clinically depressed people can't just get up and go on a fucking adventure. This stupid fucking smarmy shit drives me up the wal. "Well you're not afraid of death so why not becoming a cliff-diving adventurer instead of peacefully ending your life?" There's no logical connection there. It makes even less sense coming on the heels of a description of suicidal depression like the one in the OP. Jesus.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I've mentioned several times that it's not for everyone. It doesn't address depression and that the best option that anyone should ever take is to seek professional help.

I haven't been to 4chan in like 6 years and I don't know what primates have to do with depression or suicide.

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u/El_Cochinote Aug 21 '16

This. This is perfect advice. Go out swerving at 100 MPH trying to do something good for yourself or others. You might find out that you like who you can be in the process. There are infinite options other than the window or the fire for someone with crushing depression. I know...I was there 27 years ago and I'm still around and have had an amazing life after allowing myself to see and do so much more than I ever thought was possible.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

Yeah but let's keep the swerving down the highway to a minimum please.

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u/BarstoolFranco Aug 21 '16

This is exactly what I needed to hear. Fucking hell that is a perspective changer, THANK YOU!

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u/twinkletwinklexx Aug 21 '16

Great advice. Thank you!! This really helps.

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u/LordOfTheFlies10 Aug 21 '16

I have had a friend who lost his battle against depression and killed himself. I love IJ, and I understand depression(or atleast try to). I am glad that you and people like you exist. Thank you so much, and best wishes.

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u/Vainth Aug 21 '16

I got a question. Is there a non-profit that one ca work for food and shelter?

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

Yep, Hostels! They will house you and pay you even to work and live there. It's no non-profit but it will get you out of the house. You can be a hot air balloon pilot int France. You can work at an orphanage in Peru. Check out the book, Delaying the Real World! So many awesome ideas in there.

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u/fluoronaut Aug 21 '16

You said it better than I ever could. It really doesn't matter what you do, except to you, and as long as you exist for the sake of your family. Try everything once. Life is so much more interesting if you do and killing yourself is really quite a dull exit. There are many more possibilities than you can currently imagine.

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u/PhineasFGage Aug 21 '16

Timothy Treadwell took this approach, I think.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

Ha, I totally mentioned him in a other comment. I was speaking about how he decided he wanted to live with bears and he did. He probably had a ton of close calls and he ultimately did die from the bears. But he didn't fear death and because of that he did something that no one has ever done and may never do again and that experience, undoubtably, changed his life.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

thank you <3

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

You're so very welcome. <3

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u/BreezieDahlia Aug 21 '16

I'm going to copy and paste this to an email to myself. I love this reply so much.

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u/tekkenDDRagon24 Aug 21 '16

My eyes are welling up. Thank you for this lovely post. I'm sure there are so many who appreciate it. I hope you have an incredible, happy day.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I hope it helps. I'm glad you appreciate it and Let's all have a wonderful, beautiful day! ....even though it's cloudy. Ha

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

That's the most moving that gif has been to me. I love it. You da best!

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u/HerefortheFruitLoops Aug 21 '16

Thank you.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

You're very welcome.

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u/SkullShapedCeiling Aug 21 '16

The worse thing that happened is that you die.

there are worse things, i think... suffering is a whole different ballgame. the fact that people kill themselves to avoid suffering is probably a good testament to this.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Yeah, spitting in the face of pirates in Somalia isn't going to give you a quick death probably....

But you may find yourself loving life in the end and making it home safe, which is worth it to me.

If you're terminal... maybe a last trip is just what you need to feel peaceful about dying. It doesn't have to all be about suicide and depression.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

You don't love him though do you. Stranger on the interet, statistically could likely be a thief, rapist, murderer or paedophile. And telling him to run away from his problems won't solve anything. You face your problems or you don't, it's that simple.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Do I want to penetrate OP? No. Do I want to embrace him and cook him a meal? Yup. That's love in my book and I get to define what that means.

Also, everyone knows I'm an Analrapist. So, I can be trusted.

Yeah? What if your troubles is an un-diagnosed bi-polar mother who stabs you in the shoulder and then starts digging your grave while you pass out from bloodloss? Should you just tell her to stop? When you run away and you're brought home to her. When you bury yourself in the clothes in the closet, hoping she won't see you or think you're home?

Problems aren't that simple, but sometimes a weekend in the woods can help you clear your thoughts. Especially, when it's a toxic work environment.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Also, statistically speaking, I'm not any of those things because statistically speaking the likelihood I would be one of those things out of the 8B people on Earth is rare.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

7,6 billion, and not so rare.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Well, if you're ever having trouble controlling your urges, send me a message or consider getting professional help.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I don't.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Then maybe reevaluate those statistics you're basing your assumptions off, because they don't line up with a single study I've ever read or anything I've learned in my statistics or anthropology classes. Not that you're wrong, just that we disagree.

People are better than you think if you give them a chance.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

They're real statistics.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

So you're saying that between the two of us, one of us is a rapist?

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

No, statistically you could be one. And I could be one. COULD.

My point, ultimately, was that you can't really love an online stranger you don't know the first thing about when they could be horrible people (though lawful ones), or downright law-breaking ones (murderers, rapists, thieves, etc...).

Not that this is a common case, but statistically, it's probably happened. You've also walked next to a rapist in a crowd, statistically. A lot, lot less likely, but perhaps even have met a murderer.

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u/[deleted] Aug 21 '16

I'd say this lifted me up.. but at the same time it only fucks me up more than I already am. Everyday is another full of constant urges to end it all. I like the message though. Hopefully it does help others.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Shit man, I'm really sorry to hear that. If it makes you feel any better, your joke made me laugh.

They call me Mr coffee Why? Cause I grind so fine

I'd love it if I could make you laugh. PM me and I'll tell you some jokes. I'll send you a great crepe recipe. Whatever you want buddy. Hit me up.

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u/daronjay Aug 22 '16

I love it, make that bastard Death have to do some work for a change!

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u/Sleeplessinwa Aug 22 '16

OP. Amazing response. Seriously well done!!

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u/ahtopsy Aug 22 '16

Thank you for your words

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u/izziroddit Aug 22 '16

Haha this is the best thing I've read all day. Maybe even the most beautiful message I've ever read in my entire life, especially coming from one stranger to another. And I went to a wedding that made people cry today, so yeah. I hope I get to meet you one day. Your message made my day as I'm going through a rough patch and for that I love you :) P.S. German jokes are indeed the wurst :P

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I was at a wedding on Saturday. :) I get choked up every single time. Thank you so much for the kind words. I love you too. PM me if you're ever in the PNW.

Hey, Do you know why Al Gore won the Mathematician's Dance Competition?

Punchline

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Not suicidal at all, but holy wow, man. Just, wow. Thank you for this comment!!!

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

You're so welcome.

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u/ThePickleKing1111 Aug 22 '16

Wow, that really put things into perspective for me, I teared up a little at the end, and had an intense feeling, of that chill running through my chest and head and back. Believe me, when I say nothing ever makes me laugh out loud, or tear up, even when everybody around me laughs from something, I'll usually smile at most, usually it's fake. If things make me tear up, it's usually from me feeling like it's relatable, inevitable, and almost always from me thinking about it, and coming up with thoughts that make me sad.

Most of my smiles these days are fake, and the only benefit of that is that it does make us happier; smiling, fake or real, the act of smiling brings out dopamine I guess. I find that the ones that are real tend to be ones that are semi-fake. They're made out of happiness, and I wouldn't normally have smiled, but in these rare cases I instinctively fake smile, even though I should be smiling because that thing made me happy.

I've had a few times in the past year where all I had in my mind was sadness, from being misunderstood and treated unfairly. I would think about all of the things that I really hated that made me sad, think about how maybe fI should kill myself, there's nothing I can do. Running away wouldn't do anything, I'd never be able to hide well enough, people in my town would see me, whether it be in their houses, or in their cars. I would never get to the point of running away, or killing myself. There's so much I want to do, I have to do. I can deal with depression and suicidal thoughts, even when I sometimes get into such a psychotic rage, I am able to easily convince myself otherwise, and not break things or flip shit or hurt myself, etc. I know that continuing those feelings will only make it worse, and there's nothing good that can come out of anything I do. There are people that love me, even if I feel like sometimes secretly they hate me. Even if sometimes I hate them.

Where I live, I have no friends that are as smart about things and thoughtful as me, or anybody that understands me. I act slightly dumb because I naturally am silly in dumb ways, and I get annoyed by all of the people who say things that are the complete opposite of who I am. "You're the complete opposite of honest, you're not smart, etc." It's simply how I act around people, and nobody understands that. People think I'm weak sometimes because I don't show any strength or resilience. When I choose to let everything go, it's because I completely understand why someone would do something like that, not because I'm a pussy or I can be pushed around. Nobody has pushed me around enough to make me even want to fight or say shit. Small things happen so much people tend to think they've figured me out, when none of the shit that happens matters to me, and nobody understands who I am.

Basically, I have no friends. I have a bunch of people I'm kind of friends with, or pretty good friends with, but nobody I really care about, or anybody that cares about me. I'm seen as antisocial, but really I just don't relate with anybody, and I don't care to talk with the majority of people.

Please excuse the clutter of speech I shared, I just don't care to rewrite it.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

No, I know exactly what that's like. In highschool, I purposefully tried to sound more stupid. Everyone mocked my large words and called me rich, because since I could read well, I must be rich. Freshman-Junior Year, I moved from social group to social group like a nomad, not sure where I fit. I finally found a quirky friend group my senior year. But they were all younger than me and went to different places after highschool. They stuck together and I left.

Well, I went to Uni and discovered that I was living in an isolated insular world. Suddenly, I found that my apathy and forced regression had hurt me. Everyone around me was smart, they went to nice schools with lots of fancy classes. Things beyond AP Calculus and English 3. Things I'd never heard of.

I felt dumb. So, I split the middle. I continued being myself but tried to reach into my past. I smoked and drank and all that shit. I did poorly my freshman year. But as the years went on, each semester I got better. And then, when I graduated.... I felt like I was a part of the community but felt like sticking around would just be stagnating. So I left. Moved to a town I'd never been to, in a state I hadn't lived in since I was 2 years old.

In that town, the town I'm still in. I found what for the first time felt like a community. Not just a tight knit group of friends, but a full blow community of people that was supportive and communicative. Now, I'm about to leave and hurts so much because I finally feel like I found lifetime friends, but I'm following my heart and not going far, so I hope it all works out. Leaving my job, leaving my mentor and my best friend to move in with my girlfriend an hour away. It's not super far, but I know what it's like. I'll see them less and less until it's a quarterly, semi, or annual thing, maybe.

But I can only hold onto that hope, knowing that I still have that island of friends back home. I still have the community I am about to leave. And who knows, I might find myself a new home.

Best of luck /u/thepickleking1111 That place is a rough spot to be. But sometimes it helps to change your lifestyle and commit to something else. Sometimes you just need to be yourself and you'll find your true friends. I ramble too. It's cool. We can ramble together.

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u/ThePickleKing1111 Aug 22 '16

Thank you for your response, and best of luck to you in your life as well.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

All that same luck and fortune for you too!

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u/Fallrain9 Aug 22 '16

That even helped me. I'm not suicidal but I've been a depressed for years.

You sound like a bona fide hugger. Sometimes when I meet someone, I hug instead of a handshake. And I definitely hug a friend when I run into them. The world needs huggers

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Sometimes I get embarrassed because I hug people so much. You must be a doctor because you just diagnosed me.

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u/tickleberries Aug 22 '16

I find with my depression, that I would never have the energy to do this while having a bad spell. I do tend to feel like I've never been happy or done satisfying things with my life and I'm 46.

I've have a husband and two kids but that doesn't help me pull out of the isolation or give me energy. I feel that, perhaps, doing these amazing things with camping and waterfalls could be done when I'm feeling better. Then, later, I can work on remembering those fun times instead of all the crappy things I've experienced during my worse days.

I tried suicide by taking a huge dose of insulin with benzos so I wouldn't feel the low sugar hitting me. I couldn't think of anything that made life worthwhile at the time. Someone found me before I went under 19 sugar.

Now, while feeling better, I'm trying to make better memories to hang on to when I get that desperate. This gave me some good ideas.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I know that when you're in that state, often times nothing can really be sad to pull someone out of that well. But creating positive memories you can return to when the depression hits hard helps me. It's a bit like a patronus from Harry Potter. It's hard though because in that state, all you want to tell yourself is that you'll never be back to that place, those happy memories. But just remember, there's always room for more memories.

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u/tickleberries Aug 22 '16

Exactly this. The struggle to know that it's a delusion that you won't ever feel good again. Then there's the thought that you have never felt good in the first place. My husband has to keep telling me, honey, don't you remember how much fun we had a week ago... or something similar to that.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I know, my SO sometimes has to force me out of the house because I'm just being a brat and mopey. It almost always helps me realize that I'm being sillly and forcing myself to feel bad when i could be having fun.

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u/tuseroni Aug 22 '16

I find with my depression, that I would never have the energy to do this while having a bad spell.

i know that feeling, don't know if i have depression or not but i know some times i just don't have the energy to do anything and most days i am just killing time til i can go back to sleep.

i don't really have anything to be all that depressed about, i don't sit and think about bad things in my life, i just have no energy, no motivations...just...blah.

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u/tickleberries Aug 22 '16

For me, everything fun is not fun anymore. It is a job and something to spend more energy on. I have to force myself to even try and read a book which I rarely do. I don't have bad stuff going on usually. I just wake up and there it is. Although, all my thoughts seem to go negative and bring all the bad memories of my past with it. It's like struggling to walk through deep mud. You don't know why it's there but it takes so much energy and strength to get through the day.

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u/roheezy Aug 22 '16

im not suicidal but this made me cry. you're a good person dude x

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I'm glad it moved you.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Are you the German shot put man?

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

No, but if it weren't for my American accent people would probably think I was. Also, I have no idea what you're talking about. Olympics?

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u/GriimFandango Homo Deus Aug 22 '16

Absurdist bravery, I agree with this completely. If we have to go people, this is what needs to be done before.

If we really do despise what we've become SO MUCH we can at least make a difference, if we have nothing to lose we have everything to gain, and if we're too sad to feel any gain we can make a change for others

Join the Lions of Rojava, make housing in other countries, ask the right questions to make society better.

Brave the world, if not for anyone but yourself, do it for yourself.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I don't know anything about the Lions of Rojava, but I'm subscribed to the Kurdistan sub. I'll look into them after work. Thanks.

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u/FanSciFi Aug 22 '16

Read this before. Easy to say, and completely out of the realm of possibilities for most.

Sell everything you have.

Done, now that I have $100 in my pocket, I can buy a lego boat and a map, then put that boat on that map. What a dream life. Fishing sucks though, keeps ripping the map.

You are wearing rose-tinted glasses. The things you may have, are not equal to what others have. I'd bet money that majority of depression, of true depression is found among those without $$$.

I know, sounds like I'm being a piss ant, I'm not, I'm just not going pretend the idea is anything other than horse shit for most depressed people.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

You're right. Taking a walk in the woods is completely impossible for most people.

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u/FanSciFi Aug 22 '16

It also doesn't cure depression. Ask the depressed person what they need, each one is different, and next to none are solved by simply walking in a wooded area.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

I'm not talking about depression. If you look at any of my other comments. My advice for depression is professional help because words and escapist fantasies won't change your depression. I'm no spring mare fresh to meadow. I've dealt with the things I'm talking about. I admit that my comment is mostly well-wishes and idle fantasies, but it's targeting suicide which can be treated differently than depression.

OP said that if he had to deal with those fake smiles one more time he would kill himself. And I was saying, if you're life is on the line, run from those fake smiles. No Monday Meeting is worth your life.

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u/Tarasaur84 Aug 23 '16

You really are the best kind of person. Good for you, man (:

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u/[deleted] Aug 23 '16

Thanks! I PM'ed you back!

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u/sherripepito75 May 11 '24

Some of us aren’t running from life - we are running from our own minds.

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u/Downtown-Check-4065 Dec 11 '24

i’m at the point where i know if there was no consequence, religiously or on the people in my life, i would not even hesitate to take my life. i’m just so tired, it’s felt like i’ve been trying to catch a break for the past three years of my life. there is no pause button and it feels like suicide is the next best thing even if there’s no resume button from it.

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u/Prize-Protection241 Feb 03 '25

Thank you for this.

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u/DreadPirate1984 9d ago

You thought that did something? Hahahahaa

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u/OppositePrune3804 8d ago

What a cool and heartfelt way to say you understand yet not the cliche way of saying it. Much respect to you for the time you took out of your daily life to help some others see it a little differently

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

You're a nice person.

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Thanks, so are you!

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u/TarkovskyAnderson Aug 21 '16

This is beautiful

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u/killmonday Aug 21 '16 edited Aug 21 '16

Wasn't there someone on Reddit a few years ago who was suicidal, so he went to Mexico on a Coke binge and ended up having some wild adventures? I wish I could find that post, it reminds me so much of this.

He ended up having such a grand adventure that he had a new lease on life. It's a great outlook.

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u/MommiG Aug 21 '16

Beautiful

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u/[deleted] Aug 22 '16

Yes you are!

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u/anycleavers Aug 21 '16

I don't know you. We will probably never met but you should know you're a wonderful mf and you have made a difference today.

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