I'm a 22 year old failure. I have never done anything with my life. I never held a real job, or went to college, or even developed skills, and I'm still a fucking virgin too. Believe me, I tried to fix my life, but for one reason or another, every single thing I tried failed. I'll be 23 relatively soon. I'll be a 23 year old with zero life experience at all. I'll be a 23 year old whose entire life has been spent completely isolated since middle school. Fuck this life. I refuse to keep trying. I refuse to waste more years trying to fix my life when it only gets progressively worse. I wish I died when I was a teenager (I made multiple suicide attempts back then). I wish someone would kill me. Any chance to regain my value as a human was ruined, and any chance for a life worth living was shot down. The best I can hope for is to become a useless nobody undeserving of any even semi-decent life.

I have alcohol and a makeshift noose. I'll either drink myself to sleep or intoxicate myself enough to not care about the noose. Either or. Regardless, at this point it's nigh garaunteed I'll be dead before the week is over. I suppose this is my last post then.

I don’t want this to devolve into debate/argument about specific drugs, so I’m not going to use drug names.

I have depression, anxiety and ADHD. I don’t know if the ADHD has been around my whole life, but I was diagnosed with it in my late 30s in the early years of my marriage. It’s never been treated pharmacologically or through therapy. The depression and anxiety started in high school but I didn’t seek care until my early 30s. That attempt went nowhere and I wasn’t treated until the time of the ADHD diagnosis.

I was on an SNRI for 12+ years. Due to moving for work, I left my psychiatrist and insurance bumped me to an older SNRI. I wasn’t under the care of a therapist and left it to my primary care provider to ratchet up my dosage. I don’t think my baseline ever tipped over into “happy”, but it did mostly prevent the profound lows. It also alleviated my anxiety to probably an unhealthy level. I think a little anxiety is natural and can be a motivator. I also feel like, especially in hindsight, I completely lost agency over my life. I feel like I neglected things that were and are dear to me. I don’t know if I would have done better off the drug, but at least my inaction wouldn’t be seen as indifference. My inability to move forward cost me my marriage and scarred my relationship with my children.

I had vivid nightmares throughout my time on the drug. I was always exhausted. I had to nap daily, some times twice or more. I also gained a lot of weight. I was already overweight but went from about 250 to close to 400 lbs. I’m not sure I ever tipped over 400, but I fluctuated between 365 and 395 for years at weigh ins at my doctor’s office. After I titrated off the drug, I realized I could go into the yard and do some tasks. I figured out I’d lost at least 30 lbs without trying. I had tried diet and exercise before, but never made progress and always eventually gave up. Since I’ve been off the drug, I’ve been walking daily and been able to change my diet significantly and have dropped another 50 lbs.

Post titration euphoria (maybe euphoria is too strong a word) lasted about 6 to 8 weeks and then the depression and anxiety kicked back in without the drug buffer. My goal was to exercise enough to stave off the depression but, over the last 3 months, I’ve been cycling between anxiety and depression with the occasional panic attack. Fortunately, I’ve never had any substance abuse issues, probably because I avoided alcohol in my teens (and was never around drugs) since my grandfather was an alcoholic and I grew up with my father’s horror stories from his childhood.

I don’t have any coping skills for depression, anxiety or ADHD. Since getting off my meds, I have been trying to see a therapist but, due to work related travel, I’ve been dumped by 3 therapists since last October for being in the wrong state. I now just don’t volunteer or lie about my location. None of the therapists have been particularly helpful. No reason to go into the ones I’m no longer seeing. The current one seems dedicated, but I feel like they’re out of their depth.

Because of the trajectory of my mood and my first real thoughts of suicide since my 20s, I did a med evaluation and have been prescribed an SSRI. When I researched this drug, it has high instances of all the same terror inducing (to me) side effects (weight gain, night terrors, exhaustion, etc.) that I had on the SNRI and that never went away. At this point, I’m not even remotely concerned about reduced libido/impotence side effects. If I could get my life to the point that I had a potential sex life to be concerned about, that would be a victory.

To some degree, I think this post is just to get this off my chest. I’m not asking if anyone thinks I should get a second opinion or whether or not I should take the new drug, but all opinions are welcome. What I’m most interested in is how to self monitor if I do start on the meds (I spend almost all of my time alone) and suggestions for coping tools for my underlying conditions. I know there are workbooks out there for using CBT, DBT, etc., but I feel like I have zero follow through. I know I can’t rely on a therapist to fix me because that’s just 1 hour a week and they have other patients. I’ve attended a few peer meetings over the last few weeks and some of them are helpful, but they’re often full and they can sometimes be triggering.

I've been depressed for quite a while but its getting really bad this past months. I feel like killing/beating someone to a plum to went out my anger or just kill myself for good I'm scared that I don't do something horrible. I feel so dead rn honestly idk what is happening anymore pls guide me or help me what should I do pls

I turned 27M a few months ago, and it's so clear that my life is a train wreck.

-I'm a loser who lives with their parents,

-I work a part-time job where I make $250 a week that I got laid off from recently.

-I have a college degree, but I never entered the field because I'm a social anxiety riddled mess.

• I have zero irl friends only people I chat with online who flake once they realize how screwed up I am.

• I'm a gay virgin whose never dated and I have a horrible looking face, so between that and everything else it's looking incredibly unlikely.

I'm so far behind on everything it's insane. I think about my life ending once a day at least. I want it to end so badly. I'm in a total failure demographic. Weird underemployed socially awkward friendless virgins. Life won't be getting better since I'm genetically flawed and at a massive disadvantage. Shy and horribly awkward since I was a kid and an underdeveloped adult.

26M been with 26F for over a year. It was all going great until I regretfully quit my job and went into depression. Had it all, nice job, income and all of that. Ruined it in one day. Got into a fight with her brother and injured him. Currently using weed to cope with the depresssion. She has stuck around and supported me so much through the depression but she just said I have to change myself- how I interact with her, conflict resolve, quit smoking and if I don't I have to leave. She knows I am suicidal but I guess she's just giving me this ultermadium that if I fail, she breaks up with me and I go kms and won't feel sad about it? Is this life ruined yes or no? What would you do?

I am 22, I have good job and everything but I feel empty inside. I feel alone like no one understands me and when I try to talk to the people I love it’s hard to tell them what I feel inside. I have a lot of thoughts in my head about ending it and seeing what’s on the other side. Maybe I will find peace I don’t know. I think it’s just the feeling of coming home and having nothing there no girlfriend,no pets,no one to talk too I have no motivation to keep on living I try to put my self out there and i don’t know it’s not my thing so I just sit at home looking at the ceiling just thinking and wondering if I should do it or not. I don’t know what keeps me going to be completely honest. I just want these feelings to go away that’s all I want to feel normal.

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I want to be. I have a vague memory of who I used to be. The happy memories of the person I once was. I am so tired of the person I am right now. The limbo I am stuck in. A gray craggy nothing of a person. I have no personality. Nothing to offer anyone. I just exist. I consume with no return. I sap energy and cause strife. No positive, only negative. What's the point of my existence? Turning levers and pushing buttons. I hate how I think. I hate who I am. I hate how I act. I hate that I can't just be happy. I turn every situation into a dark cloud with my complaints and brooding nature. I can't just let things be and be content. I hate myself so I can't let myself be happy, and in turn that causes issues for those who come in contact with me. They remember me for the person I used to be and love me for it, so they tolerate the slime I am now, but that isn't fair to them. I am a tumor, a cyst. A cancer that should be removed so that the good can grow back where I once was. There is no good left in me. I have no drive, no passion. Nothing to add. When I sit in circles, I have nothing to say. I can't think, I can't reason. I can't conjecture or joke. I just observe. I used to be the life of the party, now I am just a fly on the wall if I am not in the ointment, There is no purpose for my existence anymore. Just my paycheck paying my promised portion of the bills. People love what I used to be but I'm not that person anymore. I miss him too. I don't know how to return. I am the depression. I am the darkness that consumed me. I am the spiral I sunk into. There is no turning back because there is no back. There is no return. This is who I am now. The old me is dead and I wish I could join him. But his debts are mine and until I pay them I cannot leave. So I am stuck here against my will. If I had my way, I would take a bottle of muscle relaxers and slip into a sleep that would end my suffering. But I do not have a choice, I never did.

I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it.

I have taken care of the cats every day and the fish every day. But I just don't find it worth it. This was my last effort to find purpose.

My job, my life,, nothing gives me purpose.

Tonight I was playing games with the brother in law and our spouses. Dumb shit happened and as usual I am the problem and I am to blame.

I was hoping to have enough one together to pay for a funeral so my family didn't have to stress again, but I just can't. There is to much and I just don't care anymore. What is the point in life if not to suffer?!?

At many times I think of all of these things, if I had all of this money would I be happy? If I had friendships would I be happy? If I was healthy, if I was competent to do anything would I be happy?

Truth is im honestly scared and fearful of everyone and everything. I have a job and I can take care of myself. It took a long time to get to this point and it takes a lot of work.

I think too much of philosophical things and "what do I need to be happy" but truth is im just fucking scared and incompetent. I am here I guess. Honestly it's funny in a way how incompetent I am.

I am just white knuckling life because I'm scared. Everything is terror. The only way to have peace is with order and routine. And even then it is not perfect. I go into bouts of nihilism and apathy. And then I have bounds of "optimistic nihilism" or at least that's what I try to tell myself. But it's denial.

Truth is I am afraid constantly. I am scared that I have to live this life over and over again. Maybe I fucked up that would be kind of hilarious to see. But I digress.

Honestly I have always been a bit bullhead and self righeous and a bit of a zealot. I wished for truth though but unfortunately truth isn't so easy to find, especially if I spent all my time listening to other people.

I had to make my own choices in order to better my life. Truth is we don't know what will happen. And I just wish I could enjoy life. My life is basically a grab bag of addictions, whether it be video games or TV or eating or books or even religion. Truth is I have always needed a cause. It's hard because I am easily manipulated and I try to do my best but it is hard. I recently got diagnosed with autism and adhd and that has been hard.

Although I do wonder sometimes if this is more of a trauma response to my childhood or I wonder if this a chicken or the egg situation. Idk it's just tough I guess. Maybe In a way I am just a rabbid dog. Flailing around in a rage. But at least now it's mostly under control. By staying away from overly exciting things I can do more boring things it's just tough I guess. I just threw away everything years ago. Idk what I'm doing with my life

Please I need help please I need someone to talk to please

I don’t know why, but everday seems like a repetition of the last, its like im living in a loop.. i just feel so empty and alone.. will i be okay?

Hi, I’ve been crying almost everyday, I thought at first it’s normal as we have problems in our household. These days Whenever i see something sad like a clip from a sad movie or even hearing sad songs it makes me sob for a few minutes. Is this just like a coping mechanism or something? It almost feel I can’t go on if im not gonna cry at least a few minutes in a day.

Exactly that. I’ve always kind of just “known” ever since I was a child that I would die by my own hand. This horrible, looming doom feeling ever since I was 5. It is our innate instinct to try and survive but I just feel like my time is running out. I’m exhausted. My life is a mess. I’m going back home by myself right now and my ex BF is still in the DR. He was supposed to propose on this trip. We both got black out drunk-lost each other, refound each other in the room and I lost it on him apparently. He left me in a strange country. He left the resort. We broke up. He has been emotional, mentally, verbally and financially abusive. I have to start All over again. I just don’t have it in me. I have two adorable dogs that I don’t want to leave. I don’t know how to best rehome them because I just don’t think I can go on anymore. I’m going to kill myself when I get home. I have to find the right place for my dogs first. I have 6 days to figure that out. I love them so much. If it wasn’t for them-I would have been dead ages ago

I hate my parents sometimes, but I always hated my father. He has seldom been there for me and when he was, he would just be the biggest thorn in the bush. I hate how he's so self centered and how he would make you feel guilty about everything even if you were right.

When I was still a baby, he used to scold my grandparents, my mother and me about how my crying was basically an act of a spoiled brat, saying how I used crying as a way to get whatever I want. The issue was, I was only the age of 1 year old. It even escalated to the point where he hit me off a table at the age of 3 and caused a small fracture in my head. I ended up needing to go to the hospital for it.

That previous statement was kind of ironic since he hated living in a small apartment, so he took out a loan of $1.2 million to buy a bigger home just so he could feel rich. When my parents separated, my mother got custody of the house as well as the debt. The issue is that selling a house in my country isn't a viable option since we need to wait 15 months before we can buy another house/apartment, so we are pretty much stuck here.

After the age of 3, he moved abroad for work, which was fine at face value. However, he proceeded to cheat on my mother several times and tried to put the blame on us saying how we were never there for him. He rarely visited us and he only came back to complain about our home's situation, despite him not even trying to improve it himself.

He verbally and emotionally abused me throughout my whole childhood, saying how I wasn't good enough and how many people in the world are striving to be so much better and succeeding in life compared to me who was an utter failure. Looking back, I think he was right about that.

Not only that, but he also made his problems into everyone else's through exaggeration and guilt tripping. Saying how we never cared for him and should support him unconditionally regardless of what he does. This included the time he tried using all our savings to start a business that was a high risk-low reward situation and still said that we never supported him.

When my mother and him finally separated, he left while saying to me everyday about how he sacrificed so much for us and how we would never survive without him. Looking at my current situation now, we can survive without him, but only barely. He doesn't even pay child support and refuses to support our family in any way.

I'm sorry for the long rant. Hope you have a good day.

In the daytime, I’m giving fucking effort to seem happy but in the nights I feel like a shit Why this is happening

My brain goes way too far with things. Some ppl are afraid to end it because they are scared of a failed attempt. Some are scared of what happens after. Me, I don't want to be touched, transported, handled etc. The thought of it all makes me sick. On top of the other fears I mentioned. But i am so over my new reality. 5 months now. I read obituaries and try to tell myself these ppl weren't expecting this either just like me. Trying to convince myself that death is normal, and random, and we all have to go. Some young, some old. But I can't make peace with it because my goal was at least 30 to 40 more years. It's easier to accept death when your are old. You loved your life. Lived your life. Did what you wanted to do. But that's where I'm at just telling myself I'm not the first person that will pass away young and won't be the last. But I hate this.

I feel like I have no one who genuinely enjoys spending time with me. I hang out in groups of friends and get this feeling like if I wasn’t there everything would be the exact same if not better. no one reaches out or wants to hang out with me or texts me first. I genuinely just feel so alone.

I have no idea why but for some reason I can never have people in my life that I enjoy and also enjoy me back. It seems like every time I find someone I am really interested in they almost immediately start to forget I ever existed. I try to brush it off and say that maybe it’s just something that they are going through but it has happened consistently so many times over the years that I really start to wonder if I am just a terrible or boring person to be around. I can’t wrap my head around why I just can’t have people in my life that actually make me happy. Why is it the only people who continue to talk to me are the ones that don’t really make me happy. I’m just tired of losing over and over again and constantly being back at square one😔

I lost both of my parents by the age of 23, I'm an only child. I live alone, I eat alone, I do most of the things alone. My "friends" aren't there for me, all my relationships and interactions are superficial. I can't connect with anyone in a meaningful way. I hate where I'm at and I try my hardest to change my living situation. I'm going through extreme mood swings but the moment I'm honest about any of it, I'm told to be positive, by people who haven't experienced half of the things I've went through. Or they just tell me that's life and I have to accept it the way it is. I know that life is unfair, I'm the one living it, I have a better idea of how unfair and fucked up it is than them but it's just so funny how people are capable of normalizing or dismissing it when it's not their life. Most of the people saying these things to me break down and act as if the world has ended over such miniscule things.

I don't want to pity myself, I would kill to be positive. I try my best to improve my life and try to keep my head up but I'm scared, I'm scared of the history possibly repeating itself because yeah, not everything is under my control and I'm scared shitless of things not working out. I always assume the worst and panic like crazy, not because I want to but because it's what I'm used to, and these people just dismiss all my struggles and tell me to be positive. They still have their parents, none of them went through what I went through but they keep talking, they never listen, they never care. If they were in my shoes and I told them to be positive, they would throw a fit and tell me to fuck off but I'm just expected to smile and do as they say.

They tell me that I am too young and that they feel sorry for me for suffering at such a young age. And I agree, I should enjoy my adolescence, not rot in bed, in my room... I'm missing classes because of this, my principal already knows what I have. no medicine in the world would help me, I fantasize about dying every day, every night... But I don't try, because I don't want to cause chaos in the family again, but every day, I wait for my death. I can't brush my teeth, I haven't brushed them for 2 weeks, I can't take a shower, I haven't taken one for a month, I can't wash my hair, I haven't washed it for 2 weeks... Right now, at this exact moment, I haven't showered in about 3 days, washed my hair in 5 days, and I think I haven't brushed my teeth in 4/5 days. The amount of pain I'm suffering is no joke. It's not just about being sad or crying... It's about rotting and stopping living and just surviving.I feel so extremely tired that I can't do anything, nothing!!! I want to kill myself, and I plan to, take a razor blade, very sharp, and cut my vein, bleed until I die :( I'm only 13, I shouldn't be suffering like this, no one should.

This shit is endless. No one is coming to help. It's going to be more and more meaningless pain forever.

I've just destroyed my life beyond repair. I became such an intolerable reclusive loser that I lost all my friends, what personality I had has just completely rotted and fallen away. I've built no skills, no real knowledge, in fact i've done nothing but lose parts of myself for almost a decade.

At this point depression might actually be the only thing keeping me alive: if I suddenly became a normal person and had to look at my life unanesthetized I would be flying off a building in the time it'd take me to run to the top :o)