r/depression • u/SQLwitch • Oct 29 '19
We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context.
We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start.
Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.
Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.
"PM me anytime" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately.
By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers. The 1-9-90 rule applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet.
People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good. This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue.
If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.)
In our observation over many years, the people who say "PM me" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma.
We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people do want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers. This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning.
If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.
r/depression • u/SQLwitch • Sep 28 '24
Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these shouldn't be standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule, but are permitted here), or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, this is a place you can share.
Our subreddit rules are located in the sidebar (you can also always access them at https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/about/rules) - since all of them exist for important safety reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can.
We also have several wikis there for help with finding and giving support:
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues.
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support.
YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see interfering with people getting safe and relevant support here are:
People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact
"I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this.
Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your good intentions. Nothing like that is ever acceptable here.
Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (or, in a comment, giving it) (rules 1, 2 and 10).
Off-topic posts about difficult situations or circumstances, including interpersonal losses. Grief, sadness, anger, and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. The "what is depression" wiki has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but inappropriate here.
r/depression • u/SharpFlyyngAxe • 16h ago
I died and was revived after an attempt. I was forced into a psychiatric hospital for three months. All they did was medicate me until I agreed to everything. No therapy or life assistance. Just pills. I still want to die. I’m angry they brought me back.
r/depression • u/strifeandsettle • 20h ago
Depression isn't a matter of love or lovelessness - sure, a lack of love can accelerate your depression, but depression is a state of mind. You can love yourself but still constantly feel like there's you're being sucked towards a void with nothing but hell screaming in the depths of your mind.
I also find people who preach for "self-love" often are individuals who have healthy backgrounds, loving parents, are financially stable or have been raised in a financially stable home, and have been dependent on healthy relationships for the entirety of their lives.
It's so frustrating and honestly, it makes me feel so alone how others don't understand that no matter how much self-improvement you invest you are still going to feel like there's no tomorrow.
r/depression • u/paley_le_mort • 3h ago
I dont know how to react to that, Im unable to do anything, I just isolate myself and sit in my bed and wait for the day to pass.
There's some stuff I could do but I cant bring myself to, Im supposed to go to the park n walk my dog with my dad later but just thinking about going outside and doing something makes me feel disgusting.
I just deserve to rot in my bed
r/depression • u/saladsnake1008 • 11h ago
This shit is endless. No one is coming to help. It's going to be more and more meaningless pain forever.
r/depression • u/Hungry-Problem-2730 • 2h ago
Im 13 and my life feels like ive been through this shit for 40 years, I've gone through things that look small but if you were in my shoes at the age they happened it would feel like a fucking landslide, for the first time in 2 years I cryed today, over a damn song, think about that, I cryed not from a pets death, a break up, but over a song.
r/depression • u/[deleted] • 6h ago
I have no idea why but for some reason I can never have people in my life that I enjoy and also enjoy me back. It seems like every time I find someone I am really interested in they almost immediately start to forget I ever existed. I try to brush it off and say that maybe it’s just something that they are going through but it has happened consistently so many times over the years that I really start to wonder if I am just a terrible or boring person to be around. I can’t wrap my head around why I just can’t have people in my life that actually make me happy. Why is it the only people who continue to talk to me are the ones that don’t really make me happy. I’m just tired of losing over and over again and constantly being back at square one😔
r/depression • u/nihilistic-tinkerer • 4h ago
I'm Filipino, 29 years old and Single. Everyone thinks I'm successful, but in reality, I'm driven by anxiety and constant worry about not being able to pay the bills. I constantly think about and plan for the future medical expenses of my family, because that's the fucking reality—everyone will get sick someday, and someone will have to take care of the fucking bills. I hate waking up in the morning, and I can't sleep at night without beer or whiskey.
I work two jobs. One is a full-time (9-hour) position as a senior backend developer making Backend System and managing GCP infrastructure. The second is at a startup, where I work about 3 to 5 hours a day.
I hate optimism, positivism, and even the concept of happiness. I hate hearing the words "You're blessed," which my family keeps saying. It fucking irritates me.
I hate this fucking existence; even stoicism no longer works. Sometimes, I become angry, and I don’t even understand why. I suppress my emotions as much as possible. I work like a lifeless robot, getting things done. I force myself to numb the emotions.
I can't stop working my two jobs because my earning potential will go down, and I have three siblings whose education I need to support because my parents didn’t plan it out. I'm the fucking eldest in my family. I can’t express my depression because my family and friends are hedonists, religious, and can’t think deeply. I love them, but I’m starting to hate them at the same time. I’ve started staying away because I cannot control my anger and breakdowns.
If only I had not been born, I wouldn't feel these stupid, meaningless, uncontrollable emotions.
I'm sorry, everyone. I don't really know; maybe this is just a rant. But maybe there is no rest in this world—perhaps in the next.
r/depression • u/Crazy_Bipolar_2023 • 15h ago
I want to sleep and not wake up......ever!
Life so sh!t, I have no family of my own, been short tempered with my bf so doubt he'll stick around much longer.
I want to go back to when I was young and innocent, before everyone got inside my head. Before the SH, suicidal thoughts and ideas, the bipolar/depression and so on.
I failed twice, but I don't want to fail a third, I want to know how to plan my leave and have it be permanent.
I cannot do this any more, it's too much, I'm sorry 😢
r/depression • u/Soltaceus • 1h ago
No one else would take care of my animals if something haplened to me. That knowledge is the only thing that keeps me going some days. My friends are getting old and having more health problems lately...
r/depression • u/badhabits9991 • 6h ago
I lost everyone close to me. My job sucks. I can't have kids. I've just had it. When I get done walking in the rain I'm going to swallow a bottle of xoloft and trazodone just to see if it'll kill me so I don't have to do this anymore. I don't want to see my wife with someone else.
r/depression • u/d3l7a_labs • 1h ago
I'm 27 years old and I got meds since I was 16. I always thought something was wrong in me. Now im starting to get why.
When I was in school I got problems with some bullies but I just won't react to these behaviors. I never wanted to fight because it wasn't my disposition and I was always letting all down inside, for at least a couple of years. I started to feel more and more bad. I did in fact tell that to my parents and some teachers but nothing changed. One year my personality switched totally: instead of not responding to these bullies I initially started to reply slightly, and one day after another I increased my anger and confidence and starting 'bullying' them back. One day one of them had enough and punched me in front of the whole class. The teachers knew what happened but no one of them cared. I was so disgusted that I started to became more indifferent to the school and to reply often to my teachers. That year I failed the class.
That summer I got some new friends from another city and then I decided to transfer in the same school they got in. I needed to travel a lot but I didn't care, I needed that change. Finally got there and my personality got me a huge strength, confidence and charisma. I got a lot of friends; a lot of guys that could have bullied me ended being friends of mine. Awesome days.
But something happened to me. I was good there, but I was slowly becoming more and more sad and tired. The last years were like: the morning I go to school and the evening I rested, like I simply wanted to skip to the next day. Often I sleeped from when I got back to school to the next morning. At one point my mood went really low, starting to cry alone without any real reason to me. I also thought about suic*** some times. One night I was in my bed lying but not sleeping, I remember getting up and reaching to the window, then taking a look down and thinking "It couldn't be bad to just jump off". But some instants after I suddenly realized what I thought. I was so scared and started to cry. That moment I realized something was off in me, so I searched for help.
No one knew how to deal with that, and that made me feel more and more helpless. One day I reached to a Neurologist and he gave me SSRIs. Initially I got the sense of getting a bit better, so the doctor increased a bit my dosage. Then I'm okay, not great but better. The problems that got me stuck before were still there, and i was really struggling to change without any success. That goes for a long time. Too much time.
One time I felt strange, like I was lost interest for everything and i can't feel some strong emotions like before. I remember watching a series that I really felt inside but it was like there was some wall over my emotions. So I was scared to not have my usual emotions that I suddenly stopped my meds for a week. I remember watching that serie and wanting to connect to it's love story between my fav characters and I needed to feel something. Suddenly I start to cry, exactly like I was expecting me to react from that scene. That was my answer. Meds were okay but something was wrong. I couldn't tell what, but with that meds I wasn't me anymore. After a couple of days I started to feel really bad for my sudden interruption and then I started to take them again like it never happened.
The story goes on for a long time, where I slowly get less dose of meds, where I feel strange again and my doctor just increase it back. But it felt odd, like he didn't really care about me, again. So I took back meds and this time I also reached out to a psychotherapist. She helped me so much that I can't even explain. Some things were simply wrong in my thoughts, so with her I started to improve and getting a bit better. Anyway with her help I did better but something was still off.
I was overwhelmed by thoughts and felt really tired and without energy. That goes on for some months. Also in this time I didn't get positive feedbacks from my actual friend group, like no one cared about me so that didn't help at all. Also I started having a feeling of that doctor just prescribing that kind of med just because "it can work" but also "if doesn't work is not a big of a deal". I felt that because I know many other people had the same exact prescription from the same doctor.
One day, after coming back home from a night with my friends, I got in my bed and felt really low. At some point i started to think again about suic***. When I realized it happened again, even with meds, I started to be really angry. The next day I was so furious that I stopped again meds, and this time I wanted to go deep down and know what the hell is wrong with me.
The first week was like abstinence, trembling, crying, overwhelmed. I didn't care. It was my worst week ever, I really don't know how I got it. Now I don't feel good, but also i don't feel THAT BAD. My life is not better now without meds, but also I feel like I can know now what my body really needs. I feel more stressed, more tired and sometimes I don't know how to get out of that. I'm feeling alone in this, and maybe I am. But i want to get it right this time. Wednesday I will have my appointment with my psychotherapist, she already knows all because I told her all the important things happened in this period, hopefully she will help me find a really good psychiatrist or neurologist to get all along that. I don't know how it will go but this time I got myself with me.
In these weeks I started to study really hard about psychiatry, neurology, how meds works and how many substances act in our bodies. I started to see that maybe SSRIs are not really the kind of med I will need but also that some of that, like Escitalopram, are really "easy on you" inhibiting only Serotonin reuptake and not getting strong collateral effects unlike other meds. Also that the other neurotransmitters needs to work as intended to get right, you often can't simply work on serotonin and expect great results. It depends in a really huge way on single individual, how that person grows, where he lives, the diet and the habits he has and many many other things.
People please take your meds seriously. Don't stop them suddenly or change doses without your doctor permission. But also find some doctor that really try to help you, not some folk that just makes you take pills randomly.
Anyway, I will update you soon. I send to you a really strong hug. ❤️
r/depression • u/Narrow_Chemistry_308 • 1h ago
I dont have friends, my parents hate me, i don't have a gf, i got bullied sometimes, i dont have somebody to trust and talk anymore, sometimes i think i just want to sleep forever
r/depression • u/dandelionsrcool • 5h ago
Most of my problems are self inflicted, not physically, but more so the decisions and actions I take. Impulsive decisions, bad choices, pretty much all the things I feel now could’ve been avoided if I was smarter. I’m self aware to know that yes. All people deserve compassion, but even if it’s something that validates my fear I need to know if I deserve to mourn for myself.
r/depression • u/laneboyy__ • 1h ago
and then i get sad again because i remember that i haven't felt that in so long and i feel like i never will
r/depression • u/Outrageous_Fox_8796 • 2h ago
I know this sounds bad but honestly I just wanted to share with someone who gets it. I had a very bad depressive episode which was where I was questioning my identity and if I had really achieved everything I wanted. I'm not sure if I can call it a mid life crisis at age 33-34?
I couldn't get out of bed, I vomited when I woke up, I lost a tonne of weight, I was barely sleeping and I kept having panic attacks.
I feel like I went through the stages of grief and have finally landed in the acceptance stage. AKA the I don't give a shit anymore stage. It's like, I don't have the energy to panic and I am bored of the rumination.
I have only had Four bad depressive episodes in my life and this one absolutely took the cake. I'm very glad it's over now and I hope I don't have another one anytime soon.
r/depression • u/Few_Vegetable_1682 • 19m ago
I just need to quick rant and just say that I’m so stupid for ever thinking I could even have a chance with my friend. I unfortunately have fallen to the canon event of liking a “Straight man” I fear and I’m feeling everything emotionally.
Genuinely, I understand that I shouldn’t have had feelings for him and I didn’t mean for it to happen. Hell, I even thought to myself that I would NEVER be interested because he was a mess when we first met. I never looked his way, but knowing him over time I let my walls down. Never has he been seriously mean (By that I mean things to say that would raise red flags. We mostly joke all the time to annoy the other) or felt weirded out by the fact I was gay. I was really happy to have made a friend with a guy who wasn’t insecure at all or ashamed of me.
Over our friendship, I noticed some small things that raised some flags of me questioning if he was queer. (If you want details I can place them down, you would think I’m in heartstopper or some dumb wattpad story). These led me to think that he was bisexual and that he probably had feelings for me, because I ABSOLUTELY did for him at this point, dare I say obsessed sadly.
Nearly two years of knowing him and liking him for nearly a year within that time, I was ALMOST out of it as he didn’t say or do anything to me. I was near freedom… One day we went out with friends and he drops the bomb that he was bisexual OUT OF NOWHERE!! THAT BITCH CAME FROM LEFT FIELD! All of a sudden my fading feelings came back what felt like 10 fold because my assumptions were true and that I potentially did have a chance with him now.
One day we were out just us two, and our identities were brought up and I decided that I would tell him because if I didn’t, I would never get clarity and be stuck on an idiot for a while. When I tell you guys I told him everything, I mean it. I felt lighter than a feather and he listened to me the entire time. I even yelled my frustrations out to him and after I was done talking. He wasn’t mad at me but he was happier and believed our friendship became stronger.
(To describe him, he’s STUPIDLY nice in general, a great listener, and one of the best friends I’ve ever had to privilege to be friends with, BUT HOLY FUCK DO I WANT TO STRANGLE HIM)
(To add more context, I mostly did the speaking here, so he never actually spoke to me during this conversation, so I never actually got to hear him say anything about what I had brought up. In terms of his behavior, my feelings and how stupid I was to even look at his direction.)
After our talk we were completely fine, and much felt like it didn’t change, we were still acting cute together and I was so lost until I realized that because I never heard his perspective, I never got clarity. So we talked AGAIN.
I asked him why he was nice to me, why he was comfortable with me, and if we needed space. I also told him he was giving me insane mixed signals and asked him if he had ever felt the same for me at all.
To keep it short, he apparently never thought of me romantically, he also couldn’t tell that I had a crush on him even though I wholeheartedly think he’s lying and that we’re just best friends. I’m alright with the fact that I got rejected (This could lowkey be anger from it but ignore this ;) ) but I can’t help but think that I was used as an experiment, and my emotions got played with heavily. I’m starting to resent him and everything.
I would love to hear everyone else rant about their bitch ass crushes that’s made them feel played. Thank you for reading and let me know what you think :)
r/depression • u/cdvx8599 • 22h ago
Like do people actually enjoy their existence? It just feels like a foreign concept to me.
r/depression • u/Particular_World_934 • 6h ago
I dont want anything. I just want to lay in bed. I am on 300mg bupropion, 100mg sertraline and 30mg mirtazepine. What's the point of living then? Why can't I enjoy anything? Will I ever get on meds cocktail that will make me want to live? I attend CBT therapy. Is it over for me?
r/depression • u/PlanetSaturn777 • 13h ago
30 years old and my entire adult life has been full of failures, struggles, and disappointments. No big deal, right? Happens to everyone.
What I noticed is a work my ass off and nothing ever changes. I always tried to power through the rainy days praying for sunshine. Now I want to give up. I have zero friends, no partner, no nothing.
I never caught my break that made the struggles worth it. Now I’m ready to give up, thinking of self annihilation, but still trying to stay strong. On my way to a meetup to try and make friends but in the back of my head I’m thinking what’s the point.
r/depression • u/Ok_Carpet1347 • 4h ago
I wish I had a gun and give myself the cleanest and easiest way of ending all the pain that I have been going through. Life is hard and I do not enjoy it anymore. I do not have any hope for the future. These are just a small percentage of my problems. I have failed in this life and there is no going back. It should just end.
r/depression • u/Ready-Bar-7055 • 1h ago
Hi,
I have been struggling with depression, anxiety and insomnia for several months. . I started on the sertaline for a few weeks, it made me feel worse and I had dizzy spells. I average a night 2 to 3 hours sleep, on a good day 4 hours. My doctor wants to prescribe me Mirtazapine as make you sleep as well as managing depression and anxiety . Is this a good antidepressants? Does it work? Does it make you put on weight? as Im already overweight and have very low self esteem, and feel worthless, and lack self confidence. I have suffered with vertigo in the pass and also I have diabetes. I'm very apprehensive of taking any antidepressants again. Would sleeping tablets be better ? Advise would be good. Thank you
r/depression • u/Sayzs • 1h ago
TL;DR - I don't feel I need therapy now.
Hi. I've been in treatment with my therapist for 6 years. He's been with me through dark times, like when my mom died and during periods of depression, when I distanced myself from society.
Now things are different, I'm way more stable, came to terms with a lot of traumas and learned to face reality and function in the world. I'm feeling good and strong for more than a year. I have a steady job where I feel valuable and appreciated.
Also, after I moved cities, we continued meeting through Zoom and managed to keep things stabled even after that change.
But recently I feel it's not working anymore. I feel that I don't really need to be in therapy right now, I feel that I come up with item for meeting just to fill the time.
Sooooo... Do you think that I should stay or take a break? I meet him once a week and he made it clear that he doesn't work in a setting of once in 2 weeks.
I'd love to get some perspective from those who faced this issue.