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I have yet to find another person who accepts their Level 1 diagnosis (those I meet in person I mean.) They all swear they’re actually a Level 2, even if they have their own place, can drive, have a kid, and have a job they got all on their own. Heck, I really shouldn’t live alone because I lack street smarts and I’m still a Level 1.

Level 1’s still need support. We often need more support than is available yet. We’re going to struggle day in and day out. That does not mean we’re secretly a Level 2.

We’re still autistic. Being “only” Level 1 does not undermine your struggles.

I know it can be difficult to understand levels. I figure for some people it can feel like if you’re a Level 1, they think it means they’re not even that autistic.

Also, if you’re autistic level 1 and adhd, or level 1 and another condition, it might be more of a struggle than if you were only autistic level 1 and nothing else

Anyone else sick of it. I know I'm an honest person, sometimes too honest. And I'm not even sure I'm even capable of intentionally manipulating anyone.

But my whole life I've been questioned about things by neurotypicals, even the most random trivial things. The questioned more when my honest explanation evidently wasn't good enough.

Example from today: TV remote decided to randomly stop working which I noticed when I went to turn off the TV and it wouldn't turn off. Mentioned it to my housemate/live in landlord. Next day accused me of damaging it, albeit accidentally even though I'd already told her it just stopped and nothing had happened to it. Reiterated that no, I didn't do anything to it but I still didn't feel at all believed.

Also I have ADHD and the emotional dysregulation to go along with it, although I've been working really hard lately to work on that. I've been accused by several people over the years, since childhood of 'getting overly emotional on purpose to avoid accountability'. Or 'crying to manipulate a situation'.

Ughhhhh. It's exhausting not being able to prove I'm a genuine and honest person. Because I am.

This article is a long read (3000+ words), but a great discussion of where the understanding that we now have of the "spotlight" on male autism and the "camouflaging" of female autism can take us. It says that new research is revolutionizing our understanding of autism. Some excerpts below:

There is now a move to identify camouflaging behaviour, to spot a possible disconnect between someone’s outward appearance of coping and their inner signs of struggle – or even, in a break with traditional autism assessments, of actually asking the people concerned if and how they struggled with social situations. Did they consciously try to maintain eye contact for a certain amount of time? Did they make a note of social gestures and other non-verbal cues and then practise them in front of a mirror? Camouflaging, by definition, is hard to spot, but at least now practitioners and researchers who might help are looking.

The new insights have triggered a reset in autism neuroscience research. In the early part of this century, there was an understandable focus on investigating atypical activity in the so-called social brain. This is a network of brain structures underpinning those skills needed to connect with other people, such as understanding what they might be thinking, getting pleasure from successful social interchanges or finding ways to avoid situations that might lead to social rejection. The early conclusions from such research, when applied to autism, was that it was associated with atypically low levels of activity in the social brain showing, for example, reduced coding of social cues, or an underactive social reward system, with limited signs of affective responsivity to social experiences, negative or positive. This fitted neatly with the accepted view of autistic individuals as asocial loners. But, as we know, these conclusions were based on an era of ‘men-only’ studies. What happened when you started testing women too? Evidence of an over-active social brain emerged, indicating high levels of anxious self-monitoring in social situations and powerful affective responses to social rejection. A very different picture.

This raises the idea that autistic women have been missed not because they generally show milder versions of the fundamental signs of autism, as found in males, or because they are better at hiding such signs, but because their autism presents in a different way. Far from avoiding social interaction, it appears they are powerfully driven to seek it. However, in common with the traditional view of autism, they appear to lack the necessary skill-set to successfully achieve such interaction. They have the motivation, but not the means...

I constantly see comments like ‘well I have autism/know someone with autism and they don’t act this way’

Okay great - you know one person with autism! Why do you think that gives you the right to disregard other people’s lived experience? It’s called a spectrum for a reason.

I also find that people tend to comment this when someone isn’t high masking or isn’t acting in the ‘socially acceptable way.’

E.g an autistic person is having a meltdown and someone will comment ‘my child struggles with overstimulation but they actually know how to self regulate.’ Okay but why do you feel so superior because of that?

It comes down to the expectation that all autistic people should be able to appear neurotypical at all times. If they don’t, it’s seen as some kind of moral failing or that they’re not trying hard enough. It’s called a disability for a reason.

It just reeks of ableism. I know I should probably ignore these comments, as I can’t control someone else’s ignorance. But I am so sick of these know it alls thinking they have some deep understanding of autism and can speak for all autistic people. When they actually have an incredibly narrow-minded, harmful view of autism that lacks any nuance or compassion.

There’s no scientific evidence to support this claim. It’s infantilizing and ableist. I’m not claiming that there’s any truth to the statement above.

Backstory of this post: I’m in dialogue with a job consultant lady, who specializes in people with diagnoses, especially autism. She’s super nice and lovely. She has an adult son who’s autistic too, so she knows more about autism than an ordinary consultant would’ve.

She told me a bit about her son and how he struggled with his education, because he was “younger” (mentally) than his peers.
He wasn’t stupid by any means, he was just “younger”. When all the 18 year old peers were out drinking and partying, he was, allegedly, mentally 14 and didn’t have any interest in socializing in that way with them.

She told me that people with autism were roughly 2/3 their actual age. Which is obviously wrong as all hell. I’m 21, not 14. And I won’t be 40 in my 60s. I’m more mature than a 14 year old. I have been since I was like 9.

I still live at home. My mom makes me food, washes my clothes, everything. She’s a saint. I could never have the energy to do those things. I can easily go weeks without a meal because cooking is entirely too much for me. Everything is overwhelming, and I struggle to see myself move out independently, maintain a liveable environment, eat, make phone calls and talk with all the different professionals a person would need throughout their life. I’m considered level 1, but that’s only because my mom is doing so much for me.

Here’s my issue: I really resonated with the “autistic people are mentally younger”, because I know I can’t compare myself to my peers, because we just aren’t the same. Just because my peers are going to university, doesn’t mean I have to too. I have my own pace. I can’t hold myself to their standards.
So the idea that I was 14 - rather than a 21 year old who should be moving out, having an adult relationship, pursuing higher education, or have a full time job - was really comforting. No 14 year old is moving out, so why should I, right?

Is this some internalized ableism? Delusions? Normal? Am I purposely (subconsciously) infantilizing myself?

Please be honest but also kind. Constructive feedback is appreciated.

Last night I made the mistake of going to a high school reunion.

I figured I'm pretty happy with where I'm at in life and was curious how people changed in 20 years. Also, it was nice that a couple of people had asked me to come, so I thought I'd feel more welcome.

Yeah. No. I felt extremely out of place, struggled joining in conversations, got bored with everyone talking about nothing but their children (I'm married and happily child free), and felt just as bad as I did in school.

The cherry on top I'd that I was on the side of a wide angle group picture and the wide angle made me look like I gained 100lbs. Seriously. The way I looked made my spouse say, "this is not what you look like".

Have any of you gone to high school reunions and regretted it?

This is a rant.

I have CPTSD due to being emotionally neglected by my parents, and it has gotten much worse after my ex-husband with ADHD emotionally cheated on and abandoned me. I would never cheat or abandon my commitment to someone, so I still can't come to grips with being treated like that even though we divorced two years ago. I still cry about it and don't understand it.

I have been doing online dating, and everyone lies by using pictures from 10 years ago. I waste all day getting ready and feeling nervous, all for nothing. I would never ever lie. It seems so obvious to me that it's important to be honest and use recent pictures that I get surprised every time when someone lies. I will request Zoom calls every time from now on, but the point is that I am so upset about people's unethical behavior.

The world is being destroyed by selfish billionaires, and in my personal life people I try to be close to just abandon and lie to me. I hate people and I am upset that people have no sense of morality. I used to believe that people had inherent goodness, but I don't believe it anymore. I don't trust anyone.

NO IM NOT INNOCENT, IM AN ADULT, YOU ARE JUST INFANTILIZING ME BECAUSE OF MY AUTISM BUT IM NOT GONNA TELL YOU I HAVE AUTISM

I (45f) tend to side towards the introvert side of things and just find that more and more spaces tend to be noisy. There doesn’t seem to be any quiet spaces that are out there. I remember back in the day when I was in my 20’s that things weren’t as loud. Why can’t there be be a space where someone isn’t on FaceTime or a call on speaker without a person wearing earbuds (I really don’t want to hear another’s phone conversation; quite frankly, it should be only the two people involved in that phone conversation, not everyone else listening in on that conversation and no you don’t need to bloody shout when on the phone!!).

I discovered a podcast I’m obsessed with lately! It’s called “Blink”. It’s about a guy who survived locked in syndrome, he was in a coma for 3 years conscious but unable to move or speak. He slowly recovered back to full health and now lives to tell the tale. While he was in the coma, he witnessed a crime! The podcast goes into detail. His name is Jake Handael.

It’s so cool. He’s a very personable guy and the podcast interviews him, his family, doctors, lawyers etc.

I’m a woman now 35 years old, and I’ve never really been good at having conversations with others. With age it seems to only get worse… when I was younger many people seemed to “bear over with me” because I was young and probably also looked really cute. But nowadays I’m just older looking and it seems like people barely notice me in group settings anymore, unless I speak up myself.

But I just mostly have nothing to add, I’m more the kind of person who waits for someone else to take initiative in a conversation, to avoid saying something awkward.

Obviously my lacking conversation skills doesn’t help me to form friendships. Mostly it’s just me struggling to find the words or having something to add to conversations and I am not so present in the moment. When I was younger my experience is that more people would try hold conversations with me and it didn’t matter so much whether I would take initiative myself. Now it feels like nothing will ever happen unless I speak up and it’s just not something that comes naturally to me, and if I am forced to do this I end up saying something stupid.

So I’m wondering if other people also thinks holding conversations and making friends just becomes harder with age? Like I feel it’s a miracle now in itself that I even have a job (and passed the job interviews). I don’t talk personal stuff with my colleges ever, and I’m not having friends at work either. But when it comes to talking about the few things I’m nerdy about, I could talk for days (but in these kind of situations no one cares).

Does anyone else have trouble pinpointing when you are being manipulated or disrespected, especially in a professional setting? More than once, a colleague has come up to me to discuss that they didn’t like how someone else talked to or treated me, but I had thought nothing of it when it was happening. My NT colleagues will also complain to me about “passive aggressive” emails they’ve received, and as much as I try, I can’t figure that the sender meant any harm.

Do they have a victim complex, or am I just clueless? Maybe a little of both?

I really struggle with identifying covert malicious behavior in others because that’s not how I operate. If I don’t like you, I’ll tell you directly or avoid you altogether. I always assume the best in people but maybe I shouldn’t. I’m starting to get really burnt out at work trying to figure out what people really mean when they say things.

The main thing that bothers me about my autism is that I cannot make myself go anywhere other than work and home. I want to get out and see the world and explore, but I get such intense anxiety about it. I'm not even sure why. I suspect it's a combination of unfamiliarity and uncontrollable sensory input when it comes to exploring new environments. Every weekend without fail, I think "hmm, maybe I should get out and do something," and whenever I do force myself to, I end up hating it. I get this tension in my chest and this weird dissociative feeling (which I guess is because I'm masking), and I lose touch with how I feel because all I can think about is how I'm coming across to others. The second I get home, that's when I realize I was actively having a terrible time.

I went to the bar this weekend because I felt like I should do something social, and I couldn't make myself speak to anyone. I had one drink and tried to read but couldn't focus because of how much I was masking and how much sensory input there was.

I literally can't even make myself go to the grocery store because I'll forget everything I need due to the anxiety. Even if I make a list, the anxiety will reach a point where I decide certain items aren't "worth it" and bail prematurely. I have my groceries delivered.

I tried to get a prescription for benzodiazepines because this facet of my autism is controlling my entire life, but no psychiatrist would prescribe them to me because all of them thought I was misdiagnosed or drug-seeking.

The only time I'm comfortable going out and doing stuff is when I'm with my boyfriend, because then I can focus on him rather than my environment. I can just follow him around and let him handle the mental load of navigating and deciding what we do (which I'm perfectly happy with). But that's the only exposure I get to the outside world other than at work, and I'm an accountant, so even then, my exposure is incredibly limited.

I really want to feel comfortable out in public, but exposure therapy is not working.

Is this common? Does anyone have any advice?

I live with my elderly parents and am getting no time to unmask anymore. They haven't left the house for even a minute all weekend and I'm out of my mind. I CAN'T unmask while they're around. I'm stuck in their world every damn day, taking care of their house and their dog while they stare on, or I'm back in my bedroom with earbuds in, trying to block their noise to pretend I'm in any sort of space that's just for me. Any time they leave for an extended period of time, it's like the only time I can just BREATHE and freely exist. Not their live-in maid, not their entertainment. Just me, being my natural self. No hiding behind closed doors. It's so rare these days. Most of the time they ever leave the house is while I'm at work or running my own errands.

My life is slipping away every day it's like this. A couple months ago I didn't go to a small get-together with friends and missed the opportunity to see one in the last few hours she was alive before being in a fatal car accident - all because my mom insisted I go with her on an errand that morning. That incident really hammered in how life is passing by and I'm losing time and chances I will NEVER get back.

As a little kid I had exactly 2 friends— “Jon” and “Amy”. I was an extremely reserved kid. Jon was also extremely withdrawn, and spoke in a way that was sort of stereotypical for autistic boys. Amy was the complete opposite— she loved talking to people, was always energetic and excited, sociable and talkative to the point of being called “annoying”, and genuinely the nicest person I’ve ever known. Me and Jon got on well because neither of us expected the other to talk much. We could sort of just exist together. And we both got along with Amy because she didn’t expect anything from us. Like, she was super talkative but didn’t care that we weren’t.

I knew Jon was autistic, but found out recently that Amy is too— apparently she was diagnosed as a toddler, but her parents swear she “grew out of it”. I had no idea I was autistic back then, and Amy probably didn’t either. It’s kind of funny to realize the whole squad had autism. Even without knowing what it was, we understood that we had something in common. It’s kind of a nice thought that we’re just naturally adept at finding each other. :)

I can do a whole workout on a bad-anxiety day and feel super anxious the entire time. I can go for an hour long walk and feel super anxious the entire time.

I do exercise for the other health benefits but I have to find other techniques for relieving the bad feelings in my body, ie stimming or therapy techniques

Can anyone relate to this? I’m honestly a bit jealous when I read about autistic people who turned their special interest into a career and can now work remotely and choose their own working hours.

What I mean by that is, there are things I struggle with and my partner steps in to support on. Things like making calls sometimes or complaining on my behalf when restaurants get my order wrong. Or organising big life things like booking holidays or property searching.

But sometimes I wonder if it’s just weaponised incompetence. Because if I do really really need to make a call then I’ll do it. I’ll put it off for as long as possible and it will cause me stress BUT I can and will do it. Where is the line between needing support and pushing responsibilities through weaponized incompetence?

Self explanatory title, but for quick context: our school would have us answer weekly prompts in a journal that our teacher would read. I'm not sure what the point was either. That weeks prompt was somewhere along the lines of "Would you like a longer recess? Why or Why not?"

And me, the heavily bullied kid decided to write the following 😭(spelling and grammar mistakes intact):

"Longer break is not fair! We didn't come to school to play, we come to scool to learn and read. In break we just keep on running, what's the point? besides if you don't have friends who are you going to play with? [...] I like to read a book instead. Indoor reces being longer is even worse. Because imagen yourself alone in a chair? of course you would feel super duper bad! Because if it would be an hour, Bye! pack my bag and go kick myself out of here! So never ever in the whole entire world make break longer!"

You know what the teacher wrote back after she read it? "Oh wow! first person to say you don't want a longer break!"

Never got flagged to be looked at by the school counselor either LOL

Edit: ohmygosh everyone is the sweetest!! Thank you to everyone who left kind words. It's so heart-warming to see others relate to and support my feelings, shared experiences like this make me want to hug everyone :) TY AGAIN!!

The arrival of Spring brings cheaper in-season fruit prices. I find it to be the best time for snack trays.

I grew up in and have always lived in a very rural farming state. There were perks, like being surrounded by nature and always being able to see the stars.

But also, it's always been hard. I've never fit in in my community and I struggled to make friends. It also was half an hour drive to the groccery store.

I went away to college and made a few friends. I got a job working at my university and stayed when I graduated. I currently live in a "city" a little under an hour from my family. It's small but big when compared to the state.

I've always wanted to move to a much bigger city. I figured it would be much easier to find people more similar to me there, and there would be so much more to do.

There is a large city a state away that my best friend already lives in, and I decided that was where I wanted to go.

I always told myself I would wait until I saved up enough money, but it became clear after a while that I wasn't able to build any savings with my low pay. So seven months ago I finally decided to just start applying.

Countless interviews and rejections later, I got a job! The hours aren't good, but the pay is better and it will finally get me to my dream city! 10 hour shifts will suck, but three day weekends will be great.

My relationship with my family is difficult. I'm a grown 25 year old woman but they still treat me like a child. They aren't happy that I'm leaving, but I think finally putting some distance between us is just what I need.

I'm free.

I want to open up with the people in my life about my ASD diagnosis via Facebook, because it's a medium of communication where I feel comfortable doing do, and I could cover telling everyone nearly everyone all at once. But I don't want to offend someone who has a completely nonverbal son who can't do much of anything else for themselves, or my friend whose autistic brother used to smear their own feces around the house.

Does anyone have any helpful thoughts for me regarding anything I've shared here?

I'm hoping for more specific help beyond the phrase, "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism."