There’s something quietly revolutionary in giving yourself permission not to understand—or be understood—by a world that wasn’t really built with you in mind. That alien-on-Earth mindset isn’t about giving up, it’s about releasing yourself from the constant pressure to decode every confusing social rule or emotional contradiction. It’s like saying, I’ll engage on my terms, with awareness, but I’m not going to twist myself into a shape that’s not mine just to belong.

And yeah, there's freedom in that. Because suddenly, it's not about failure or brokenness—it's just different wiring, different expectations. Like Spock: observant, principled, a little apart but still deeply present in his own way. Not emotionless, just not ruled by the same emotional logic others follow.

When I’m happily sitting in the dark/low light and someone walks in and flips on the big light and says something to the effect of “haha you could really use some light in here”.

You’re not being helpful. Also, I hate you (jk). But seriously, why can’t I just enjoy the dark 😭?

I’m a woman now 35 years old, and I’ve never really been good at having conversations with others. With age it seems to only get worse… when I was younger many people seemed to “bear over with me” because I was young and probably also looked really cute. But nowadays I’m just older looking and it seems like people barely notice me in group settings anymore, unless I speak up myself.

But I just mostly have nothing to add, I’m more the kind of person who waits for someone else to take initiative in a conversation, to avoid saying something awkward.

Obviously my lacking conversation skills doesn’t help me to form friendships. Mostly it’s just me struggling to find the words or having something to add to conversations and I am not so present in the moment. When I was younger my experience is that more people would try hold conversations with me and it didn’t matter so much whether I would take initiative myself. Now it feels like nothing will ever happen unless I speak up and it’s just not something that comes naturally to me, and if I am forced to do this I end up saying something stupid.

So I’m wondering if other people also thinks holding conversations and making friends just becomes harder with age? Like I feel it’s a miracle now in itself that I even have a job (and passed the job interviews). I don’t talk personal stuff with my colleges ever, and I’m not having friends at work either. But when it comes to talking about the few things I’m nerdy about, I could talk for days (but in these kind of situations no one cares).

Does this happen to anyone else? I don't know if it's overstimulation or exhaustion from masking (probably both) but I notice sometimes after social events I feel weirdly angry. Not just irritable but like flat out hostile, even toward people I love. I don't show it (or at least I try very hard not to), but the feeling is there.

Yesterday I had a work convention and later in the evening I felt strangely infuriated by my sister and one of my friends texting me to vent about their problems. And then my mom was asking if I was OK because I hadn't immediately responded to a different text which honestly made me more angry. It bothered me a lot because I knew the anger wasn't coming from a rational place and because I don't want to be angry at my loved ones for no reason, but I felt powerless to change it.

This is definitely a lifelong pattern. When I was a kid I remember I would get grumpy and prone to tantrums after sleepovers with friends even if I had a great time. My mom used to say that she was going to stop letting me have friends over if I was going to behave like this after they left.

Anyone else struggle with this?

Hey everyone, I need some advice. I've lived in a very rural area for about 4-5 years now and have yet to establish a friend group. It's leaving me feeling very lonely and isolated, but I love the little town I live in. I have made some friends at work but am petrified of trying to extend those friendships past work hours. I'm afraid they will start to understand the "real me" and want to distance themselves from me. There are not a lot of social opportunities in town except hanging out at the bar and going to karaoke night (both things are not my vibe AT ALL). I have friends back where I grew up that I stay in contact with but it doesn't feel the same. I'm desperate to make new friends, I just have no idea how.

Was anyone else in a situation like mine able to make deep and meaningful connections? If so, how did you do it?

My birthday is a week from today.

Last year I didn’t do anything to celebrate, because I had a sciatica flare up and spent the day upside down on my couch lmao

This year I decided to host a small party at my apartment.

I have. Regrets.

What time do I start this thing? How much food do I provide?? All of it? or snacks and we order supplementary food?

It’s BYOB but I feel like I should also offer a house drink?

And as far as activities I have. Games. Board games mainly. I could ask my friend to bring her card games that are more geared for parties? I also have Jackbox.

It’s not going to be a huge party, and it’s all close friends so I know at the end of the day it will be fine, but MAN. I just want everyone to have fun.

Me and my fiance finally left a toxic friend group. The ringleader of that group was his friend from high school who emotionally abused me for 6 years. We are going to call her "Chloe" I only stayed friends with her for him. She hated our relationship from the moment we got together, even though externally she stated she "supported us." I kind of did not buy it. She was also a compulsive liar. Every year on her bday she acted like an entitled brat because it was her bday. We all were in the same independent living program and our staff played favorites, (whenever she did stuff to me, they blamed it on me and said "That's cause you don't like her" and making me feel unwanted) Her "friends" did everything she did, they did not have minds of their own and they were not their own people. She was bossy to the point she told my friend how to drive even though she doesn't have a drivers license. Her excuse is "I drive in my mind." The final straw was that her and my fiance are not friends anymore and she bailed on coming to our wedding because she did not want to put on her big girl pants and be supportive for me. Her "friends" followed suite because they are her minions and made up lies as to why they cannot come. Anyways, what I am trying to say is that I have never had a steady friend group and I always seem to find the worst people. It's been an issue of mine. (These people are on the spectrum as well, while that isn't an excuse for their behavior, I think this is what is causing these stipulations) My fiance says to let all that stuff she did to me 6 years ago but it's traumatizing at times when I try to make new friends cause of the gaslighting and the abuse I suffered at her hands.

Last night I made the mistake of going to a high school reunion.

I figured I'm pretty happy with where I'm at in life and was curious how people changed in 20 years. Also, it was nice that a couple of people had asked me to come, so I thought I'd feel more welcome.

Yeah. No. I felt extremely out of place, struggled joining in conversations, got bored with everyone talking about nothing but their children (I'm married and happily child free), and felt just as bad as I did in school.

The cherry on top I'd that I was on the side of a wide angle group picture and the wide angle made me look like I gained 100lbs. Seriously. The way I looked made my spouse say, "this is not what you look like".

Have any of you gone to high school reunions and regretted it?

Does anyone else have trouble pinpointing when you are being manipulated or disrespected, especially in a professional setting? More than once, a colleague has come up to me to discuss that they didn’t like how someone else talked to or treated me, but I had thought nothing of it when it was happening. My NT colleagues will also complain to me about “passive aggressive” emails they’ve received, and as much as I try, I can’t figure that the sender meant any harm.

Do they have a victim complex, or am I just clueless? Maybe a little of both?

I really struggle with identifying covert malicious behavior in others because that’s not how I operate. If I don’t like you, I’ll tell you directly or avoid you altogether. I always assume the best in people but maybe I shouldn’t. I’m starting to get really burnt out at work trying to figure out what people really mean when they say things.

After a long day of masking (which is most days), I’ve found a glass or two of wine highly effective in helping me to relax and unwind. After a few years of using wine in this way though, it’s become an almost EVERY night ritual, which I know isn’t healthy. The problem is that I can’t find an adequate substitute for (1) the mouthfeel of a rich red wine and (2) the slow sipping experience it provides.

I tried nonalcoholic wine and it was AWFUL. I’ve tried nonalcoholic spritzers and beers, but they don’t feel rich enough in my mouth, if that makes sense.

The closest substitute I’ve found to get to that level of chill is soaking in a hot bath for an hour or so, but I don’t have time for that most nights.

Has anyone found any brilliant substitutes?

I live with my elderly parents and am getting no time to unmask anymore. They haven't left the house for even a minute all weekend and I'm out of my mind. I CAN'T unmask while they're around. I'm stuck in their world every damn day, taking care of their house and their dog while they stare on, or I'm back in my bedroom with earbuds in, trying to block their noise to pretend I'm in any sort of space that's just for me. Any time they leave for an extended period of time, it's like the only time I can just BREATHE and freely exist. Not their live-in maid, not their entertainment. Just me, being my natural self. No hiding behind closed doors. It's so rare these days. Most of the time they ever leave the house is while I'm at work or running my own errands.

My life is slipping away every day it's like this. A couple months ago I didn't go to a small get-together with friends and missed the opportunity to see one in the last few hours she was alive before being in a fatal car accident - all because my mom insisted I go with her on an errand that morning. That incident really hammered in how life is passing by and I'm losing time and chances I will NEVER get back.

We are late 40s. We met at the end of December—started as friends, but she pursued me for more. Things felt strong and mutual at first. Then her schedule got intense (she works long days, 6:30 AM to 7:30 PM, and has a lot of caregiving responsibilities at home), and our dynamic shifted.

We’re both neurodivergent—autistic and ADHD—which definitely plays a role in how we communicate and process emotions. She’s said she has strong feelings for me, that she doesn’t want to let me go, and that things will be better once her schedule slows down... but that might not be for another 3 months. We live 3.5 hours apart and haven’t seen each other since mid-January.

She came out later in life and hasn’t dated much, especially not in same-sex relationships. Her last relationship—also with a woman—was very difficult, and she’s still carrying some emotional scars from it. I came from a 22-year abusive marriage and have done a lot of therapy and healing work, so I tend to be more emotionally available and grounded.

Sometimes there’s warmth and a clear bond. Other times, she seems distant or inconsistent. She says she’s overwhelmed, but I’m trying to figure out if I’m being understanding… or just being strung along. I’m not asking her for a relationship right now, just for clarity and some kind of consistency.

I’d love thoughts—especially from other neurodivergent folks or anyone who’s navigated something like this in later-in-life lesbian relationships.

I discovered a podcast I’m obsessed with lately! It’s called “Blink”. It’s about a guy who survived locked in syndrome, he was in a coma for 3 years conscious but unable to move or speak. He slowly recovered back to full health and now lives to tell the tale. While he was in the coma, he witnessed a crime! The podcast goes into detail. His name is Jake Handael.

It’s so cool. He’s a very personable guy and the podcast interviews him, his family, doctors, lawyers etc.

Im 16 and ive worked towards the idea of getting real mental health help for years (as CAMHS isnt compatible with most autistics and ive had no support other than them. All they do is discharge me for being unresponsive to their treatment and then my gp just refers me back to them. It's been happening since i was 6). And now i have my diagnosis i dont really know where to go or what to do and i have no idea how this impacts my life now.

What I mean by that is, there are things I struggle with and my partner steps in to support on. Things like making calls sometimes or complaining on my behalf when restaurants get my order wrong. Or organising big life things like booking holidays or property searching.

But sometimes I wonder if it’s just weaponised incompetence. Because if I do really really need to make a call then I’ll do it. I’ll put it off for as long as possible and it will cause me stress BUT I can and will do it. Where is the line between needing support and pushing responsibilities through weaponized incompetence?

Since I am broke because I am in school and jobless, I am behind as usual from my NT and even some ND people my age. I fell for someone who I thought accepted and understood me because that is what they'd tell me but got frustrated with me whenever I was struggling. I had to break it off with them because they wanted to see another person and I can't handle polyam. It just feels too hurtful for me personally. I learned by people reaching out and flirting with me that mostly all anyone notices is my looks. They don't really care about my interests or what I need to do daily to survive. I need help with daily tasks and having a LTR partner in the past helped me a lot with that even by them just body doubling but now I am single and have to attempt to keep up (unsuccessfully). I feel all I have to offer is my body because I am disabled. My local friends are too busy to care about my feeling lonely and my distance friends want to help but they are all far away. I go out and try to meet people but I just feel like an alien in most spaces. Either no one talks to me or if they do, it's to tell me they think I'm attractive.

I grew up in and have always lived in a very rural farming state. There were perks, like being surrounded by nature and always being able to see the stars.

But also, it's always been hard. I've never fit in in my community and I struggled to make friends. It also was half an hour drive to the groccery store.

I went away to college and made a few friends. I got a job working at my university and stayed when I graduated. I currently live in a "city" a little under an hour from my family. It's small but big when compared to the state.

I've always wanted to move to a much bigger city. I figured it would be much easier to find people more similar to me there, and there would be so much more to do.

There is a large city a state away that my best friend already lives in, and I decided that was where I wanted to go.

I always told myself I would wait until I saved up enough money, but it became clear after a while that I wasn't able to build any savings with my low pay. So seven months ago I finally decided to just start applying.

Countless interviews and rejections later, I got a job! The hours aren't good, but the pay is better and it will finally get me to my dream city! 10 hour shifts will suck, but three day weekends will be great.

My relationship with my family is difficult. I'm a grown 25 year old woman but they still treat me like a child. They aren't happy that I'm leaving, but I think finally putting some distance between us is just what I need.

I'm free.

Anyone else sick of it. I know I'm an honest person, sometimes too honest. And I'm not even sure I'm even capable of intentionally manipulating anyone.

But my whole life I've been questioned about things by neurotypicals, even the most random trivial things. The questioned more when my honest explanation evidently wasn't good enough.

Example from today: TV remote decided to randomly stop working which I noticed when I went to turn off the TV and it wouldn't turn off. Mentioned it to my housemate/live in landlord. Next day accused me of damaging it, albeit accidentally even though I'd already told her it just stopped and nothing had happened to it. Reiterated that no, I didn't do anything to it but I still didn't feel at all believed.

Also I have ADHD and the emotional dysregulation to go along with it, although I've been working really hard lately to work on that. I've been accused by several people over the years, since childhood of 'getting overly emotional on purpose to avoid accountability'. Or 'crying to manipulate a situation'.

Ughhhhh. It's exhausting not being able to prove I'm a genuine and honest person. Because I am.

I was watching Severence yesterday and they referred to that Children's Bedtime Prayer (that is also in Metallica's "Enter Sandman," although it didn't click the same way -- probably because of the guitar!)...

And WTF‽ I said that bull$hit every night for YEARS. Linked here, scroll down to the "New England Primer Edition."

No WONDER I have the Existential Autism where I am looking for meaning and symbolism (and find it) in everything.

As an adult I have created a loving relationship to God / Universal Energy / Eternal Experience / Oneness, and have community that supports that experience.

But still, WTF‽

Another example, that feels positive to me is reading "The Giver" (around 6th grade) and they talked about how important it is to use precise language. So I also made that as part of my Identity.

Did any of your Special Interests/Brands of Autism come from a specific moment, good or bad?

Hey I (28F) recently had been using chat GPT for some inquiries about patterns and the flow of time. When it eventually asked me if I’ve ever done a self assessment test or been diagnosed with Autism. This was kind of a shock. I’ve been dealing with burnout and jaw clenching. My husband and I have been distant because I get to overwhelmed in loud public spaces. I guess I do have one question does getting diagnosed make things better or should I just keep masking?

I was maybe 11-12 years old when I had the Christmas vacation from my nightmares. And what bothers me more about it, is how my words failed. A couple of days before Christmas, my mom dropped my sister and me off at my grandma's so she could do some shopping. Within about a half an hour of her leaving, we get a call that she was in an accident. She really shouldn't have been driving because she was very sick with mono. But she ran a two way intersection on a country road with 55 mph. The pickup didn't have a stop sign and plowed right into her. Miraculously, despite her car being totalled, she walked away with just a few stitches.

Christmas day, I finally got the train set I kept asking for and was playing with it the day after with my sister in the basement. My dad comes down, and I'm so excited to show it to him. But he completely ignored it, and says he's moving out and they're getting divorced. In hindsight, I didn't emotionally react to this at all. I remember treating it as a matter of fact and went back to the trains. How did they not see it then!?

When I went back to school from the break, our teacher asked all of us what we did over the holiday. It got to me, and I started with the accident. I phrased my mom running the stop sign as "She forgot to stop." This was apparently the funniest thing to the rest of my classmates because they roared with laughter at my statement. This was a common occurrence to be laughed at like this. And my reaction of sobbing uncontrollably was also very common. I was so upset I didn't talk about dad leaving or the presents I got.

Have any of you ever felt more upset by your own behavior than that of the events that occurred themselves like that?

So I came to opinion which was you should keep you diagnosis private as much, what do you guys think about it? I honestly think, yes, you absolutely should keep it private to strangers and to people you don't trust.

THE Expectation The duty, the rules, the roles, the construct, the idea.

I've never truly asked myself what I've wanted. My duties, my job, it's always been given to me. School always appealed, all it's expectations so clearly understood and given.

But now given the choice to do anything I want, I've been crossing nothing. Living in my hole trying to be as isolated as possible hoping I get given chance.

Just how much do I say, give or limit myself for your understanding? Trying to find understanding in all of this.

Always watching, always jealous of people who can express themselves so easily(visibly) How do they make it look so easy? Oh how I've always wanted to be like the others.

I'm always so vacant and quiet, I fear truly being myself because I want it so badly. Trying to kill to the part of myself that cringes. Been absolutely spamming the weed, Id say been at it since the start of this year, 4 months by now. Had to switch to natural instead of carts because of a seizure.

Quit my job by just not showing up, classic what I always do. No call no show.

Avoiding ever looking at myself and reflecting for how guilty I feel Choosing the easy way out by choosing nothing.

The common understanding, the pressure, the societal expectation to be "normal" so you can be accepted by others. It's all so tiring. Thought the secret was to always be a mimic.

Oh how I've always wanted a companion, someone to call my own, so scared to be my own.

The relief to not perform. Always doubting myself at every chance I get

Hi everyone, I’m on a quite literal journey for a few years regarding the possibility of being on the spectrum. I am 23 currently.

My first appointment was with a non specialist and they wanted to first keep my anxiety down with meds to stabilize and then seek an assessment. Thing is that appointment after appointment they only wanted to up my meds since my testing basically said that nothing worth mentioning, so they pretty much ignored the reason why I even when to see them, so I gave up for a few years.

This year I categorically went and analyzed every psychiatrist I could find that has experience on the topic, a specialist, and I did find one but on the second appointment, 20 minutes before our time is up, she just blurts out that on the testings I’ve done years ago and while on meds, the person should’ve investigated further the possibility of a personality disorder because she feels like it’s more likely, also due to trauma.

Personally I was and still am very disheartened to hear that as I genuinely identify with almost all aspects of the spectrum, and not a lot from other disorders. I also do not think it was trauma related as I felt the symptoms before they happened (mother’s death and school bullying).

I am thinking about getting a second opinion but pragmatically I think I shouldn’t since she is a specialist so it just seems like I am not “accepting reality”. It doesn’t feel that way to me though, I just don’t identify with her hypothesis. The whole reason I am in it is so I can better understand myself and the “set of tools” I was born with. It changes absolutely nothing if it doesn’t make sense to me.

I guess I am looking for a bit of comfort and to know if other people went through the same.