There are four relevant people. We are all the same age (23-25). I (M) am in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend, E, of 3 years. We went long distance about a year and half ago when I moved for graduate school. While here I met a neighbor in the same building turned friend who happened to be in the same building as me, G (F). G was moving in the same time with me with her partner another woman C. Both of them are bi as will come up later.
Long story, I am sorry. I have gotten the impression that G has feelings for me. She and I are very close emotionally and we support each other. She has vented to me about her partner several times and felt she is controlling. However she has never expressed any desire to leave her partner, in fact has stated intention to be engaged to C within the next year. But things got confusing for me in February. G and I had taken a day trip to a near by major city and we spent the day there. We went to a mall, had dinner, did an activity, then went back to our town and went to a bar. At that bar she said she “didn’t know where to put [physical] boundaries” with me because I am a touchy (when reciprocated or otherwise consented and E is totally aware of and okay with it, even with other women) person with all of my friends but early on she had made this clear to me that she didn’t want that from me which is totally fine. But that night she said this about boundaries and then said “if you want to put your head on my shoulders that would be okay” and maybe it was the alcohol, maybe I was a little touch starved but either way I took that as an invitation and moved from across the table to sit next to her and we sat with our heads together for like an hour. During this conversation I had assured G I can be physical and it not mean anything more than that.
Since then things have escalated quite a lot in my opinion but nothing overt has happened. I will just list them out in paragraphs roughly in chronological order
Shortly after our city trip, we go out with a bunch of mutual friends and she brings C with her. Again we get a little drunk and as I mentioned I am physical with many of my friends, I was a little touchy with a different woman. Mutual friends that were there and asked about later said nothing happened. However two nights later G asks to come to my apartment and while there accuses me of being extremely inappropriate with the other woman, saying that if she were E, she would be very upset. And I tell her that E is aware and doesn’t care. I’d also like to point out again that I asked mutuals after this accusation and no one agrees that I was inappropriate. In any case G says I was inappropriate, then after I explain it’s fine with everyone involved she takes on this wingman persona and starts asking me if I like this friend and says that friend is clearly into me. Which I really disagree with. I say we are platonic and just a little touchy but she doesn’t believe me. After this G starts talking about how she feels unimportant to me and that she wants me to talk to her more and she wants to text everyday. At this point we’re doing like 5-6 times a week anyway. Then she starts talking about some of the stuff going on her life and she wants to essentially be held in the sitting, head to chest cuddle position. I kind of caressed her shin. This behavior, in my opinion, was way more intimate than what I was accused of.
Some weeks later during St. Patrick’s day E comes to visit. She is here for several days. During the trip E, G, and a male friend of mine all go out together to a diner. At this diner G is sitting across from me while I sit next to E. From there she reaches across the table, grabs my hands, glances at my girlfriend (who didn’t see this), and then mouths “I love you” while looking me in the eyes and smiling. Out of now where. She’s said I love you to me before as she does with many of her friends. And this night she was a little touchy with me and the other friend, while on the upper end of touchy I have seen her, not outside the realm of normal for her. But I don’t know it’s just sort of the secrecy of it? Why mouth it? Why not just say it?
A few weeks later G wants to watch movies at my place and drink (a frequent occurrence for us). She comes down and she says a lot of noteworthy things. She says that E looked completely disinterested in me at our St. Patrick’s day party, which was probably fair as she wasn’t feeling well. But more so than that she says the following things, lots of eye contact and lots of “I love you”s mixed in she says: “I can about you too much”, “I care about you more than I should”, and “I care about you in a way that scares me”. When pressed to explain this better, she said that “when you are so close to someone they can really hurt you”. When asked if she has this fear with all of her close friends at first she said yes, then no, then said she was unsure and was just not expecting to be such close friends with a straight man who is so tall (I am not that tall, I am 5 10, she is like 5 7). At this point I had literally put my head in my hands and said I don’t know what she wants from me. And she said “you’re my best friend” and “I want emotionally intimate friendship”. I asked her about being jealous of the other girl and at first she said no and then kept asking why would think this or what would she be jealous of. I walk her through about how she accused me of being inappropriate in the absence of my partner, asked if I liked her, wanted reassurance of our closeness, and then somewhat engaged in the same behavior in the absence of hers. I said “maybe you thought i was closer to her than you” and she asked me if I was and I said no (which is true) and then I asked again if she was jealous and she said “I’m not sure” and then she put her head in hands and said “maybe I am jealous” though later she would back track and say she was not jealous. At some point I said something like “I feel like we are emotional in a way that is not usually platonic” and she agreed with me. Then started making fun of me for saying we aren’t platonic. She lays on her back on the couch and starts sarcastically saying “lets fuck right now” but I just tell her to stop and that’s not what I was saying. Despite saying she had these fears about men even going as far to say she is afraid I’ll hurt her, eventually she falls asleep on my couch next to me. We aren’t cuddling or anything. But her head is at one end and her feet are pressed against my leg while I fall asleep sitting up. She wakes up around 2, there’s some prolonged hugging and then she leaves.
There’s a lot more but I will leave you with the most recent bout of confusion. Same set up, drinking and movie night. She comes down to my place at 9, which is unusual since she normal goes home around 11. She ended up staying until 3 am. We got much more drunk than normal this time. When she comes to visit me she is normally in jeans or sweatpants. Not tonight, she was wearing read shorts and a black top, clearly no bra, not even socks. She brought a sweater but didn’t wear it even after complaining about how cold my place was. Just used it to cover her legs until I got her a blanket. She started off the night by telling me how important C is to her and that sometimes she just gets anxious about their relationship. As the night goes on we start talking a bit more about our relationship. I make a comment that I feel like I am in a third grey area between [old guy friend who liked her but she didn’t reciprocate but whom she also “loved”] and [most recent ex “boyfriend” who she really liked but he wanted to move too fast] and she says “yes you are and I hate that you are” but also “you’re definitely not like either of them”. My memory of the night is a little disjointed but I remember at one point I had my face laying against the side of the couch and she gently dug her fingers in between. When i lifted my head she adjusted her hand so it was cupping my cheek. For the life of me i cannot remember what we were talking about. I don’t remember being particularly sad, and i was surprised she did this. But I also remember feeling like what she was saying was nice and comforting. We locked eyes for what felt like a long time. It did end and nothing happened. She has never done anything like this before in all our bouts of emotional conversations. We ended the night and again, not exactly cuddling but she was laying by leaning on the arm of the couch with her legs up and her feet pointed toward me. My head is laying on her hip and her legs are in front of me. We have the kind of relationship where if this were not okay she would have told me by now I am sure of it. But also this night she said she didnt want to cuddle with me (I forget how this came up) but then later we did this?
Anyway I don’t know. Thanks for reading this mess. I just am not sure what to think. Am I being used for attention or validation? Does she like me but knows we can’t do anything so is pushing the limit? Is she just extremely emotional but ultimately platonic? I don’t know!
Do my platonic assurances of physical affection give her a new avenue to explore platonic feelings? Or do they give her a veil in which to hide her true feelings behind?
All of this is a mess because I realized last week that I think I’ve started to develop feelings.
Thank you for reading
TLDR: friend is giving me kind of mixed signals. She says she’s committed to her partner but then engages in increasingly confusing behavior and I think I might have caught feelings. I am human, so I worry that my bias and own feelings are coloring my recollection and perspective.