So this best friend of mine we will call her Ashley, We lost contact for years she was my best friend Kayla's sister. I lived with Kayla for a month and her sister when we were younger this was like when we were 18 now 33 use to come into the room cuddle with me watch movies but nothing more, well long story short we lost contact I met another girl Jenna, we had a kid my son that I love dearly and would do anything for. Well my gf we will name Jenna, I couldn't even talk to she yells at me for everything I tried talking to her and voicing how I felt but nothing mattered, I met back up with Ashley after almost 15 years separated because her sister brought her to my sons 4th birthday party, we got each other's snap I told my gf she was fine with us being friends, we talked for a year hanging out watching movies we are so a like in every way, we had an instant connection. Long story short I own my own house and car my gf doesn't work but I don't mind that, Ashley has a good job her own apartment and car, THERE was an instant chemistry we fell hard, they made me choose cause I told my gf at first I chose Ashley cause I've never felt so happy but then I thought about my sons happiness and he's a mommy's boy... So I decided I couldnt be happy if it meant hurting his happiness, my gf has changed and is working on herself and does listen to me now thankfully it woke her up but I feel id be happier with Ashley but I dont want to waste 13 years of my gfs life nore hurt my kid so I feel I should just count my losses I told her I chose my gf for my son, she's pretty hurt cause shes said she's always loved me and feel we are meant to be. But man this whole situation turned me into a shell of depression and had to turn my brain off for a while couple months later I still think about Ashley and I know she does me, did I do the right thing?

Long story short, we met last year through a friend, and we immediately hit it off. We are really different, but at the same time really similar, and I feel we balance each other out well. About 4 or 5 months ago, she began having problems with her roommates, saying they didn't include her and didn't really appreciate her. Immediately after, she started saying similar things to me, with comments like "you don't appreciate me," "you don't think I'm enough," "you actually don't want to be with me," "you feel sorry for me," and so on. I have been supportive, and she acknowledges that, but now our relationship is built on a constant need for validation and reassurance. I understand that everyone wants to feel loved and confirmed, but this is almost a daily occurrence.

Here are a few examples:

• She's an artist and, after the issues with her apartment, she stopped painting. For Valentine's Day, I organized a home-cooked meal and bought a canvas for both of us to share, and she immediately said, "you could be doing this with any girl, it hurts me a lot."
• We were out with her friends and it was 4 a.m. (based on Europe) when I mentioned that I was very tired and needed to go home; normally, she would come with me, but that night a friend was staying over at her place, so she didn't. Her response was, "it hurts me a lot that you want to leave, you don't want to be here."
• I went with her to a comic convention she was interested in, and afterwards we enjoyed a picnic at a park, and she said, "it really hurts me that when we break up, this won't happen again," and started to cry.
• When I invited her to a friend's birthday party, she asked if I really wanted her there, and she ended up arriving several hours late because she was convinced I didn't want her at all.

I have tried to be supportive, empathetic, and validate her feelings, making adjustments so that she doesn't feel insecure, but this has become a constant part of our interactions. Every time we meet, we spend at least two hours talking about what made her feel insecure, and I can see in her face that once I reassure her, it's like she's getting a fix. She always looks at me with a hint of panic, waiting for something to confirm that I might not love her or prefer to be elsewhere, and I worry that this cycle is creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

We have talked about it, and I have tried to explain how this constant need for reassurance makes me feel. She listens and acknowledges it, but after a couple of weeks, the cycle restarts. She began therapy, but she said it stirred up issues she didn't want to face, then she switched to someone who seems more like a life coach than a therapist.

Yesterday, I snapped at her. She was talking about missing her hometown and how happy she would be during the Easter break there, and when I suggested that, since she can work from home, maybe she should stay a few extra days, her reaction was to ask, "what, don't you want me here? Do you want me to stay there forever? We had said we'd see each other after Easter, don't you want that?" She went on at length about it, and I lost my temper, telling her she was torturing me and that the situation was unbearable. I felt like I couldn't do or say anything without her suddenly feeling incredibly insecure, as if my only role was to validate her, leaving little room for anything else but relationship issues. Needless to say, that hurt her feelings, and although we talked it out and ended on acceptable terms, the lingering feeling remains.

I don't want to break up with her because I love her and still see the real person behind this insecurity, but I also fear that part of me may have contributed to making things worse, and I simply can't continue like this for much longer. We met a year ago, and this behavior started 5 months ago, which is almost half the time we've known each other. Maybe we're just incompatible, or maybe this isn't meant to work out. I don't want to keep hurting either of us.

So, does anyone have any suggestions, advice, or just an outsider perspective on the matter? I'll answer all your questions because I don't want it to seem as if I'm placing all the blame on her, I know I have a part to play as well.

TL;DR:
We met last year and hit it off, but for the past 4-5 months, her constant need for reassurance has taken over our relationship. I still love her, but I'm reaching a breaking point and wondering if we're really compatible. Any advice or insights are welcome.

So I’m gonna copy and paste how the conversation went this morning. We have been broken up but I guess trying to get back together? It’s been rough. For context she’s very into the online friends thing and obsessed with cod cosplayers on TikTok. Months ago I found she was making super flirtatious and borderline sexual comments under these creators in their comments threads. And sending inappropriate memes to them. She also draws a lot of her friends on discord but of her cod cosplay character and there’s. But they are always super romantic like her character touching their face and looking to to their eyes with hearts around there heads. I’ve expressed my discomfort with this. But anyway here’s the text thread from this morning. It just seems so toxic. Idk if I’m really the problem or not. I’m extremely depressed especially when messaging her.

ME- I’m not trying to say this as a dig at you or to start something I just have to say this to get it out there because it’s all I’ve been thinking about. And all I can think of is you calling and talking to your friend for hours on end. We never did that. I would have loved to. But it’s like you talk to your friends and stuff way more about stuff than we seem to ever. And it makes me wonder what you still see left in me to keep talking. I feel like you relate more to any of your online friends than to me. I don’t get what’s left that you could possibly think of to be with me. Especially after the past few weeks. I’ve been nothing but a parasite and a weight on your shoulders. Sorry I woke you I’m just having a panic attack and I needed to say something

HER- That’s your fault. I tried often. But whenever we went without talking for more than a few seconds you’d tell me bye and hang up

Every time we called I’d try to just sit on the phone while I went around the house doing stuff, which is what I do with them, and it would be quiet a lot of the time yeah but then if someone’s on the phone and you have a thought then you just say it and you get a response

This is what I mean by everything is always my fault “YOU never do blah blah blah with me” yeah Max. Well I tried. Often.

ME-

I wasn’t trying to make it your fault. I wasn’t trying to blame you for it. I was just saying that doesn’t happen with us. I’m left out. You draw all those pictures but you still never started drawing a picture of you and me. And yeah maybe that’s a jealousy thing but I don’t care anymore. It hurt my feelings. It just makes me feel like I’m not that important

And yeah I guess maybe that’s my fault but its the way I feel

I guess I also wanted to send you this video I found. I know you aren’t sure you even wanna be with me anymore. Maybe this will help you in some way with how you’re feeling (sent a video about how it’s hard to deal with breakups because of dopamine treating it like addiction)

HER-

Will do. Everything that comes out of your mouth is just blaming me for SOMETHING that upset you

ME-

I just wanted to talk about my feelings

HER-

“YOU don’t talk to me on the phone. YOU don’t draw us. YOU hurt my feelings”

ME-

My feelings are hurt from you. And I know I hurt yours. I’m trying to talk things out.

HER-

It’s all fucking jabs at me. You can say “I’m not trying to jab at you” all you fuckign want that doesn’t change that you quite literally are constantly taking jabs at me

You blame me for everything

ME- Ok

HER-

I’m going back to fucking sleep. Thanks for making me cry at 6 am

I can provide additional info if you guys need more context. But is this even worth saving? I love her. And I’m afraid of letting go. Maybe my self worth isn’t great anymore. But there just seems to be no talking to her without her going from 0 to 100.

It seems like misfortune has followed her everywhere she's gone. Her life is is making me feel less hopeful for the future than optimism, but I don't think what I feel can be considered love anymore, but obligation, guilt for feeling this way, and resigning to this outlook, with a sprinkle of resentment.

Year 0: Things are okay but just okay. Learn more about her shitty dad and how she needed to cut him out her life, and how her mom lives in Europe. She has depression, which same so whatever. Wondering whether in it for the long haul by 9 months.

Year 1: 9 months hits and we have an ectopic pregnancy despite her IUD. The year to follow is a long recovery period where we both went through tremendous emotional distress, but i also noticing flaws in our relationship. She doesn't mesh with my family. She's quiet around my friends. Our arguments hit specific triggers from our up bringing and I am just learning intherspy how to set boundaries and stand up for myself. Almost end it mid way but just can't muster the courage, due to an overwhelming feeling of guilt and obligation.

Year 2: Pretty much the same time period, she gets her appendix removed, where we learn she has endometriosis, which was only being staved off my the IUD. Also gets a diagnosis for PMDD (not new but discovered). The following year is an emotional roller coaster. I try to end things with the reason being we want to live on different coasts, but we reconcile (she agrees to mine since i have a big family here and she's not as connected to hers) and we start couples therapy. After my birthday became about her and became a weekend long fight I almost ended it again but chickened out. After the ectopic she also tells me that she is scared about having kids, which understandable, but i still want kids. We talk things through and it seems like she wants them again but now i don't trust her. We start couples therapy around this time which helps.

Year 2.5: Right before we move in together she reveals she has about 10K in credit card debt in addition to medical debt. She's been paying it down, but with everything going on its been impossible. I've been living frugally for years and was on track to buy a place if my partner had at least a positive net worth. Now I feel like i don't have the means to have a wedding, a house, or kids in my life.

Year 3: she gets endosurgery which is life changing in a good way, but her diet is now severely restricted to avoid all histamines and gluten. We find out via endoscopy that its a hernia from the surgery. Medical bills are stacking up and she is no where near closer to paying off the debt, something I explicitly told her was a contingency for us moving in together. Now the financial obligations I was trying to avoid are now on my plate. Moving in was a huge mistake, Im worried if we do split she will end up on the streets.

I am genuinely worried I am the only thing holding her life together and Im so so scared to leave but Im absolutely miserable and can't live the rest of my life this way. I'm assuming its too late, but i don't know what to do about this situation anymore. I'm gaining weight, losing my energy, and feeling down most days as a result. I feel like i missed the prime window of dating for marriage.

Should I just end it? What are my options??

Over a year ago, I discovered that my boyfriend of six years was messaging SW’s. I found texts where he asked various girls, “How much for a quick visit?” and “Will I F both of you?” One message struck me the most: when a girl quoted him $80, he replied, “How about 50?” They agreed, and his last message was “I’m here.” He claims he never entered the house or touched anyone and left immediately after that message.

After discovering this, we broke up for three months but got back together. Now, over a year later, I can’t seem to let it go; I think about it every day. While the pain has lessened, it still pops up in my mind automatically. I’m starting to feel numb towards him—awkward and uncomfortable.

He has done everything he can to prove that he will never do this again, and I genuinely feel I can trust him now. However, when we go out to eat, there’s often silence because I struggle to find topics to discuss. Intimacy has lost its spark, and our conversations feel boring. We had planned a trip in May, but the thought of spending time together fills me with dread. I feel as if my emotional connection towards him is gone. I do love him and care for him, but I’m not sure if I’m still IN love with him.

Yet, I’m afraid to let him go. I know I’ll miss him just a few days after a breakup.I'm also afraid that I'm overthinking things and that I'll regret breaking up with him. He’s a good person, dependable and caring, and he’s become a better boyfriend since I found out about his actions.

Question:
I’m feeling conflicted about whether to work on our relationship or let it go. How can I move past these feelings and decide what’s best for me?

TL;DR:
I found out my boyfriend was messaging SW’s over a year ago. We broke up for three months, got back together, but I still feel numb and conflicted about our relationship. Despite his efforts to prove himself, I’m unsure whether to work on it or let it go.

So long story short, my wife was caught running a super graphic OnlyFans operation for 2 years behind my back and got totally addict to the foot fetish bullshit. It completely nuked our trust and marriage, then recklessly sleeps around when I moved out, making everything worse. I left because there is no coming back from that and my heart is still broken but she just isn’t the one for me anymore. She completely changed, so suddenly. I never expected her to become so trashy, classless and mean to me out of the blue.

But what sucks is, she is always crying, begging for me back and sick all the time. She needs help. She is a nurse and we have 2 toddlers. Her health, job, money, house, etc is all falling apart and her life is becoming wrecked. It’s very difficult seeing the one you love suffer so much and it’s eating away at my heart too. Part of me wants to go back but I don’t want to be dragged down and have my health/career/life ruined too. Anyone have any advice on how to handle this? We can’t go no contact because of the kids and it sucks.

I love my boyfriend. His being makes my heart happy. I adore his kids from a prior relationship as if they were my own. I’d do absolutely anything for them to be happy

When we first met, it was bliss. It was absolute perfection to me. We would have concerts at his apartment, singing Katy Perry loud as hell. We would go on walks with his dog together. I’ll never forget the time we got drunk and went to the park, swinging on the swings like little kids. We’d go out and try new restaurants, and eat as much as we possibly could (him eating more than me, naturally). We’d order food to his house and have movie dates. He’d try cooking for me to show that my “future husband” can cook (his words) and despite our different cooking styles (different cultures), I loved his cooking. We’d go out and try to play basketball just to find out the court was closed, but we’d talk sooo much. We would kiss and kiss and kiss, laughing and trying to talk in between. We had a beautiful thing going. I thought I really met my husband and life partner

The past couple weeks have felt like problem after problem. I’ve trying to tell him that communicating beforehand is easier for both of us - like telling me he’s exhausted from work and he’d like time for himself instead of just going ghost at the end of his shift when I’ve been excited, waiting the whole day to see him like we spent the whole day talking about. He’s been working so much lately, and the most we do when we’re together is sleep. Even when he has his kids, he’s sleeping in. I’m lucky if he wakes up before noon, but I don’t mind taking care of his daughters while he rests. I know he’s been working very hard and needs to sleep, I just wish he had more time and energy for all of us

I’ve also been feeling the impact and presence of his ex and their history in our relationship more often and I don’t even know her. I just know that their relationship was turbulent and she later on became physical with him

I can’t help but miss the old him, the version of him that really made me fall hard and fast. It’s really the little things - the quality time together, the intimacy. His ex wasn’t really a mention in our relationship, as if she was an NPC that was there to support the plot. I felt safe and secure around him, but now these past couple of weeks have triggered my avoidant attachment style, and I feel myself detaching and emotionally distancing myself in preparation for the inevitable breakup

We’re about to start couples therapy to try to work through these things. I want to maximize the benefits for me in our relationship and maybe try to get back to the relationship we both thought we were getting. How can I be a good team player in couples therapy? What are some ground rules we can establish so that our relationship is truly a safe space for both of us and we can thrive? Can we even recover?

TLDR; My boyfriend and I are trying couples therapy to mend the serious rift between us. I want to make the most out of therapy and our sessions. How can I get the most out of our sessions so I can be a better partner?

I’m 18m and currently in a relationship with a girl who’s my first love. I truly love her with all my heart—she means the world to me.

She’s had two relationships before me. Her most recent one lasted two years, but she says it didn’t affect her much emotionally. However, she carries guilt over leaving that guy, since he loved her deeply and she didn’t feel the same way.

Her first relationship only lasted two months. It started from a friendship—she confessed her feelings, and although he said nothing at first, he later accepted. Eventually, he ghosted her and ended things. Despite how short and one-sided it was, she love him deeply.

In my 1.5 years of rs kaafi baar I found some private notes she wrote in her phone, even during the time we were together, where she expressed love for that first guy. It hurt. I’ve talked to her about him before, and she always tells me she doesn’t love him anymore—but she can’t forget everything

Just a few hours ago, we were cuddling and having a really sweet MO. Afterward, I happened to check her Instagram beside her while idk why I saw favourite option on her ig with only one person over there as soon as I opened that she snatched the phone but still i got to see his pfp

I’m heartbroken. I’ve given her everything—my loyalty, love, time, and emotional energy—but I feel like I’m not truly the one she holds in her heart. It feels like I’m competing with someone who isn’t even around anymore.

I don’t know what to do? Part of me wants her to understand just how badly this hurts and i know she understands.I love her, but I’m scared I’ll never be enough while she’s still holding on to someone from her past.

Dear Redditers,

I am male currently aged 27.

During my college years when I was 22, Ive had the chance to meet what would you call “ a once in a lifetime love “. I met girl A, a true definition of soulmate, we were connected on so many levels, and was the best relationship/ feeling Ive ever experienced, the feeling of being myself and being loved for who I am.

By the end of college, I had to move from the country to seek a better future, leaving behind girl A, I was thinking of it as a temporary separation as the plan was for her to join me where I immigrated. Two weeks after I moved, covid hit and we entered the quarantine. My relationship with girl A started to get harder, I tried my best to be present as I used to be, but her mental was affected by everything and she seemed to distance herself from me. After many attempts to fix what we had, and her constantly being absent, we fell into the abyss and drifted apart. I was very heart broken and decided to move on because I felt no longer desired. After I started an other relationship girl A came back into my life, as old mates or not so close friends, she explained what made her do what she did, I explained that her behaviour forced me to move on and look for myself elsewhere, she accepted this fact and she stayed omnipresent in my life. The relationship eventually failed, and she had no hand in it, the relationship failed simply due to our differences. Now when I was single again, girl A was not fully present in my life due to the distance and life. And at that time it felt like she is failing me again cause when I am free, she is nowhere to be found. So I rushed towards an other relationship, where me and girl B wanted to settle down.

I never felt like I am the first option for girl B because it seemed like she just wanted to settle down because she felt she is hitting her 30s However girl B was very nice and supportive and mature girlfriend, she is caring loving and all, but the relationship feels to be superficial : deep inside me I know Im not her first choice, I never felt that she is really about me physically, its more of “ accepting “.

How to deal with this situation where I am torn between the brain and the heart ?

I (26F) recently got into my first relationship and he’s (26M) the sweetest person ever in so many ways. (Apologies, we’re both 26 - title is misspelt)

He holds my doors open for me, he validates me and reassured me every chance he gets, is so sweet and helps me love myself more, tells me that he loves me whole heartedly and I don’t need to change for anyone, encourages me and celebrates my wins.

He tries to make me laugh any opportunity he gets, walks on the side of the road so I don’t get hurt, is learning how my nose piercing sits so he can do it for me.

Genuinely he’s so so sweet and I love and respect him so much. We handle disagreements with such calm and ease so we’ve only ever had calm conversations and nothing has ever escalated nor do I see it escalating because he’s so gentle with me.

However, he makes jokes that make me slightly uncomfortable. For example, he’ll jokingly threaten me, joking about ‘watch what happens when he get home’, jokes about him being the man, jokingly headbutting me etc.

Now it’s a new relationship and when I ask him to stop he will instantly. Like the other day we were in the woods and he picked up a branch joking about how we were the only ones in the woods. I told him that put me on edge and he instantly threw the branch to show me I’m safe with him.

He’ll also say that he was joking and he would never do any of that. I believe him but sometimes I can’t help but feel on edge after these jokes are made. He’s the kind that will say silly things to get a laugh and I remind myself of this because I really don’t think his intentions are bad. I just don’t know if I should even be thinking ‘wow if something happened the signs were there’

I believe I’m safe with him and he shows me time and time again I am and I know they’re jokes but just wondering how to speak to him about it? I know he’ll be receptive to me asking him to stop but I don’t want to fall into something that is abusive whether unintentionally or not.

Edit - he has ADHD which he says makes him say silly things

Me (M26) and my gf (F18) been dating for around a month and a half now. I am a virgin and i never had a gf before and she had 2 bfs but she says nothing happened between them. I had female friends but nothing ever happened, they saw pics of my physique bcz i workout and like to post transformation pics and im very narcissistic, also i had 2 female friends that i showed them myself ameteur videos of me "enjoying myself" bcz we were good friends and we both felt comfortable sharing things like that (i know it might sound weird and ridiculous to some yeah) and i thought i really look good i thought also i might make an onlyfans so i wanted an opinion and i guess validation. Everytime i mention the slightest thing i have done with a different girl (mind u also i never kissed even) such as sharing a physique pic or a little flirt, she automatically claims that i don't love her and she gets very sad and even chaotic. I don't even wanna mentioned anything i had with my female friends but she sometimes asks about it so i just answer then again she gets sad and chaotic and claims i don't love her at all. I truly feel like i love her, she's the best thing that ever happened to me, but everytime i mention the slightest thing i did with a girl such as a little flirt it becomes a mess and she becomes very aggressive and jealous, it's literally in the past, plus i never had actual love. I get frustrated when it happens and im not sure how can i make her just calm. What would u guys do in this situation, did this happen to u before? Let me know and thanks for reading!

I was in a relationship with a woman (let’s call her Molly) for about a year, split into two phases—with a painful breakup in between—and I’m sitting in the aftermath now feeling like I lost someone I loved because I wasn’t the man she needed… and maybe couldn’t be.

We first dated for 7 months. The connection was real—emotional, physical, fun, deep conversations, all of it. The best connection I have ever experienced. But beneath the surface, there were cracks. Mainly around money. I make $175K/year and live comfortably, but I’m intentional with how I spend. Molly receives $200K/year in alimony and has expenses of about $12K–$16K/month. She wanted a partner who could eventually support much of her expenses once we lived together so she could save her alimony, which is effectively her life savings spread out over the next 10 years.

We clashed over things like me paying for all our dates, extras like her nails, trips, and overall provider energy. She didn’t feel fully taken care of, and I felt like I was falling short—but I also couldn’t justify spending beyond my values. We broke up over it.

During the 2-month breakup, she got back with an ex. Meanwhile, I did a lot of self-reflection. I realized I had been too frugal. I hadn’t shown up the way I wanted to—as a planner, a romantic, an investor in the relationship. I wanted another chance. I fought for her, told her I’d step up, and that I saw the future she wanted. I meant it. But I was also dating during that time and ended up sleeping with someone.

When we got back together, she asked if I’d been with anyone. I lied and said no.

Two months later, the truth came out. She was devastated—not just because of the lie, but because she felt that for two months during our breakup, I gave her the impression that I was all-in on winning her back, when in reality, I was saying one thing to her and doing another. In her mind, I emotionally cheated by making her believe she was the only one I wanted while I was dating and sleeping with others. If you have had a truly hard breakup, you know that within moments of the same day I’d be desperately wanting and trying to move on and others desperately wanting her back.

From that point on, things spiraled. We couldn’t rebuild trust. The financial pressure was still there. She wanted me to be working towards earning more money now—not someday—so she wouldn’t have to use her alimony on our shared life. I couldn’t do it without changing my career or sacrificing my well-being. I wanted to grow, but not at that cost. I promised that within 10 years, before her alimony ran out, that I would make sure to get my income to a place that I could cover 85-90% of our shared expenses.

The 2 months after finding out about my lying were difficult. I had broken her trust and betrayed her and we tried to rebuild that trust. We were in therapy. We tried so many different things. At the same time the financial conversations came up and she was not happy that I wasn’t willing to make a commitment to earn more money now, instead of committing to it in 10 years.

I’m drowning in guilt. For lying. For leading her on. For saying “I got you” when I wasn’t sure I did. For not being able to be what she needed. I miss her. I still love her. But maybe I was never enough for the version of life she wanted—and maybe I wasn’t honest with myself about that either.

I think I am here to vent, certainly for advice, maybe others who had similar experiences, or maybe as much as anything else thoughts on how to survive this season. I know I betrayed her and am left with letting go or fighting insanely hard to try and get her back. Has anyone experienced something similar? What happened? If you did, what advice would you give? Would you do it differently?

Thanks for reading. Appreciate the time.

My partner [25M] got this habit, leaving dishes everywhere like we’re running a science experiment, and it’s been grating on me for weeks.

We’ve talked about it multiple times, but it’s like it goes in one ear and out the other. I love them, but I’m starting to feel more like a maid than a partner, and I don’t know how to bring it up again without starting a fight. I was so worked up the other night that I ended up on this site, "iiwiars" where you can post stuff anonymously. I talked about the dishes and all, and some strangers actually gave me decent ideas, like, ways to chill out before tackling it with my partner. It’s not a magic solution, but it helped me think straight. Anyone else stuck on how to handle little things turning big?

TL;DR, leaving dishes everywhere like we’re running a science experiment is just crazy, and it’s been grating on me for weeks, needed to talk this out.

How do I (30f) get my partner (29m) to take my relationship concerns seriously?

Recently I've been reflecting on our relationship and noticed my partner seems alot more distant, and nonchalant towards me, when we first got together he was alot more open, and romantic but recently I feel like I've become a constant and taken for granted a little bit. The romance, and even general compliments have come to an end. I try to bring this up with him and just get dismissed, get the whole I love you I'm just stressed/tired ect but it's been this way now for so long, I'm worried as I can see my affections fading if this carries on any longer. How can I bring this up with him and have him take me seriously, without flying off the handle and making it worse?

Hi Relationship advice,

Me and my partner just ended our relationship of 14 years. The decision to end things had been brewing for about 6 months until we "pulled the plug" last week. So i have had so time to reflect on things but there are issues that i would very much appreciate some outside perspective on.

I felt in this relationship that it was expected of me to always be ready to listen to her, no matter what i was doing or thinking at the time. Granted, i seem to constantly be in the middle of something, as i do have some trouble just staying put. But i found it very overwhelming to listen to another persons complaints and worries every day, and feeling like it was not mutual, that my role was just to listen. I did not feel like i could also complain to her about the things in my life. Nor could i give any input, because that was always taken as a negative thing, a sign that i was against her somehow. I do get that sometimes just listening is a good thing and giving input when not asked for any is not.

She had a very troubled childhood and she talked a lot about the abuse by her mother and the neglect by her father, and while I get that she had a difficult childhood, i did too, and i am sure i have some trauma from my alcoholic parents, but i do not get the constant need to bring it up. We are both in our forties and these things happened almost 30 years ago, why would she feel the need to talk about it almost daily is beyond me, and i could not provide the support she needed from me. I do feel bad about judging her like this because i'm pretty sure my choice of just trying to forget my shitty childhood is also not a very good strategy either.

I am afraid of moving on an even thinking about another relationship if i am somehow not capable to being emotionally available enough. If there is something wrong with me, like do i lack the empathy required or something to be in a relationship? I still care about her a lot and while she has not said anything, i have a feeling she despises me. I did not want things to end, and i wish i could have been a better partner, but i am unsure if i'm the problem, or were her expectations set too high. How does one get the fortitude to just "be there" for someone, when it's the same issue from year to year without any improvement? Or is it just a part of being in a romantic relationship and it's expected of you? I feel like an idiot for even having to ask these things, but i'm just lost and confused. I know i have many faults, but i do not want to feel like i am not good enough or able to be in a loving relationship.

What do you consider being "emotionally available" and when is a person emotionally available enough?

We met four months ago and have been officially dating for two months. She mentioned early on that she has OCD and other mental health struggles, for which she takes medication. Things were going well initially: we met regularly and texted daily.

The last time we met (~20 days ago) was for her birthday with friends. It was exhausting—two days without sleep, driving her and her friends home. For the next 10 days, I became less active on social media and in texts due to fatigue, insomnia, and mild depression (which I communicated to her). My energy for texting dropped, and our conflicting sleep schedules (she’s awake at night, I’m awake during the day) didn’t help.

Then, she sent me a message:
“I don’t know what’s going on between us, but something feels off. We barely talk and haven’t seen each other in a long time. I have to warn you: when I don’t get enough attention, I’m afraid of losing my feelings for you.”

I suggested we discuss this in detail, which we did. And i stated that it's my fault I was less active those last days We agreed I’d communicate more and share when I felt down. For a few days, I tried harder—texting more, expressing my feelings, and telling her how much I love her.

Then, she sent long voice messages explaining she has ROCD (Relationship OCD). She said she needs to talk to her psychologist, has lost feelings for me, but doesn’t want to lose me because I’m “perfect” for her. She quoted:
“When I love someone and then find out they truly love me, I tell myself maybe I don’t really love them after all.”

I thanked her for sharing (as I always do) and pointed out how this contradicted her previous statements. She replied:
“Before researching, I thought losing feelings happened when I lacked attention. Now, I think it might be an ‘avoidant attachment’ disorder. I’m not sure if that’s the right term, but I want to discuss it with my therapist and find a solution (probably medication).”*

We talked for hours. I reassured her And stated that it's also my fault I understood and told her we’d work through it. However, she then admitted wanting to self-harm, we talked about it. After all this, I felt confused and depressed—it showed. I became distant, and she mirrored my coldness. I asked if we should take a break. She was unsure and scared of making the wrong choice, so I told her to take her time and we’d reconnect after her therapy session. Throughout all of this, she repeatedly reassured me that she truly did love me and desperately wanted things to work between us

We kept texting daily, but her coldness became unbearable after a week. I proposed a one-week break, saying she could message me anytime. She insisted I should text first when time come. I agreed to message her exactly one week later.

Hey everyone,

I’m going through a really tough time, and I feel like some outside perspectives might help me see things more clearly.

I (35M) have been in a relationship for a few months with a woman who, on paper, seems like the perfect match. We connect intellectually, we share similar long-term goals, and I genuinely believe we could build a stable, happy life together. She's reliable, grounded, and has been incredibly supportive through life's tougher challenges.

That said, there’s something major missing: passion. Our physical intimacy has been pretty underwhelming from the start and has recently become nearly nonexistent—mostly because I’m not feeling that spark. At my age, I didn’t think passion was still such a big deal for me… but now I’m questioning everything.

To add some context: I’ve spent most of my adult life in serious relationships (2-3 years at a time), whereas she’s been single for most of hers. Our relationship histories are very different.

A few weeks ago, I went on vacation with an ex I hadn’t seen in years (we broke up 7 years ago, after being together 2 years; she’s been single recently too). And… everything flipped. The emotional reconnection was intense during that trip—and it hasn’t faded. We’ve talked a lot since, and it’s clear we’re not the same people we were back then. We’ve both grown a lot, separately.

She’s less stable than my current partner, but she’s done a lot of inner work. The physical and emotional connection between us is powerful—better than anything I’ve experienced before. We share a lot of tastes, values, and have very compatible humor. That said, our long-term life plans don’t totally align. I want a family soon (the biological clock is ticking), and I’m not sure she’s on the same page.

Despite all the logical reasoning I’ve built up over the years—like how passion always fades—I can’t stop thinking about her. I feel completely consumed by it. I should also mention: she’s the only person I ever broke up with while still being in love. We made each other miserable at the time and couldn’t find a way out back then.

Now, I’m stuck. My brain is running in circles and I can’t think straight anymore. I’ve never gotten back with an ex before—once it’s over, I’ve always moved on and cut ties completely. We didn’t talk or see each other at all over these 7 years.

Among my friends and family, I only know one couple who successfully got back together after a breakup (they ended up married with kids, but their breakup only lasted a year).

So here’s my question: if you were me, what would you do? Go with the peaceful, stable relationship that offers long-term security and a shared vision for the future? Or take a chance on the passionate, emotionally intense connection—even if the future is more uncertain?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

We have a toddler (2y3m) and I didn’t return to work until they were 18 months, my partner actively encouraged me to quit my job after maternity because “I could do so much better” but it resulted in us sliding heavily into debt which we are really struggling with now.

My partner also quit their job 3 months ago without another one lined up putting further financial pressure on us.

I have lived with criticism from him on and off for well over a year now.

Today he told me he wanted to kill me and ‘restrained himself’ from hitting me with a child chair. Almost the exact same thing happened when our child was 9 months old except I was a lot more shaken up then. This time I was almost totally calm and just kept that my priority as I didn’t want to further upset our child who was present but didn’t seem to understand what was happening.

We have spoken about how our relationship is effectively over, from his side “we don’t have enough sex” from my side I am sick of trying to be mature with a person who keeps regressing.

Can anyone advise if there is any strategy to live in the same house amicably together. I have no support or people to lean on.

Edit to add; I read the book “why does he do that” after the first incident which helped me make sense of his behavior although there is no honest open discussion with him as he isn’t wiling to be open and honest.

I/we have too much debt to separate, I would not be able to afford to live alone.

My girlfriend and I (both 21) have been together since our freshman year of college, and we’re now heading into our final year. Recently, she told me she wants to take a break so she can focus more on her studies and personal independence. Her parents have also been pressuring her to end the relationship entirely to prioritize her future career.

She says she still loves me and isn’t asking for a breakup—just space to refocus and feel more independent. I care about her deeply, and I want to support her, but I’m not sure if a break is actually healthy or if it’s just delaying an inevitable breakup.

My specific question is: What makes a break successful, and how can I handle this in a way that supports her but also protects my own emotional well-being? Is taking a break even a good idea in situations like this?

I saw my bf for the first time in a month (after him telling me not to come up) his grandad did pass away during that time. so i thought okay I’ll give him space. Finally saw him the other night, i had a huge gut feeling to check his phone. On there i saw he was messaging girls. Complimenting them. Asking to meet. Asking for their snapchats. Starting conversations. One girl i got in contact with said she met him on hinge. (he denies this)

When i obviously confronted him that night being so distraught. He said “it’s not like that”, he kept hugging me as he went back to sleep and i was crying for hours. (couldn’t leave the house cos his whole family was in). We spoke on the phone. He kept bringing up the fact i shouldn’t have gone on his phone. stupid ass excuses. “It’s not like i met any of them, or had s*x”, “i’ve said sorry what more can i do”. blamed it on the fact he was drunk. (he started doing it in february). while still messaging me “i miss you lots”. i was asking for bare minimum when he was giving it to someone else.

we’re currently in no contact. i don’t know what’s happening. I can’t make my mind up between leaving him or go back. I just was so in love with him, and idk if i should willing to work it out. Why do i miss him? and feel bad for him? Why am i feeling like this im just so confused on what to do or how to act.

I’m a 22F and my boyfriend (27M) can’t wear condoms. When we first started dating, he said things like “I’d rather not have sex than wear a condom,” and that he loses his erection when he puts one on.

We tried using one once, but honestly, he didn’t even really try. He seemed uninterested and just gave up, and that really shocked me.

Lately, we’ve been relying on the pull-out method, but it makes me anxious. I don’t like taking birth control pills either because they mess up my cycle and I get side effects. Honestly, he doesn’t get any side effects from using condoms, but I’m the one dealing with the physical consequences and it’s frustrating.

He said he will try his best but after we talked we still haven't used condoms and he even didn't try to wear. I think he takes it for granted not to use condoms. But I don't want to feel awkward to ask him.

Other than this, our relationship is really good, so it feels kind of extreme to break up over condoms… but I don’t know what to do in a situation like this.

Anyone was in the same situation?

I (19M) have always been pretty much a failure when it comes to relationships (or a lack of it). I used to be the "weird kid", and although I've largely grown out of it and improved my social skills a lot, I still carry the same old personality that allowed me to be "odd". Thus, my feelings are usually one sided.

That is, until I met my first girlfriend (19F) in a college extracurricular. At first glance, she's kind, understanding, and also the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. We became friends quickly, and over time, our feelings grew until one night, she took the initiative and asked me to have sex with her.

It was such a big moment for me, moving from one-sided crushes to losing my virginity in less than a year. After that, I asked her if she's done it before. She said... yes. She asked me if I had done it, and told her that she was my first everything; my first girlfriend, my first kiss, my first sexual experience. To be honest, I was shaken. I had envisioned myself losing my virginity to someone's first time too. But that night, I slowly accepted it, thinking it doesn't matter since it's all in the past anyways.

The next day was... different. I asked her about it again, but this time, she said her answer yesterday was a joke. She said her "creepy" ex asked for it but she always refused and the farthest they had gone was making out. She said I was also her first time. It felt like such a huge relief, and thus, I stopped thinking about it.

The relationship itself was a different matter. Although we thought we were the same at first... I slowly realized just how different we are in terms of preferences, priorities, dreams, etc. I loved her the best way I can, giving her all my effort, my time, hell she's my largest spending of my allowance. Yet, it always seemed to be never enough. I was always lacking in some ways, sometimes I devote too much time on my work, other times I don't put in enough effort. I always tried my best. But whenever it came to me and my feelings, she always threatened to break up, and if I stood my ground, she'd become really sad. Well, me being me, I end up comforting her whenever that happens. There were times where I considered if I would be... less sad if I left her, than if I stayed. But I believe she loved me in her own way, and she just acted this way out of trauma from her past relationships. I always gave her one more chance. I believed in her, believed in us, believed in love. Besides, she's my first everything! Whenever I slept with her, she would always emphasize that; she would say how lucky I am to be the first one to do it with her when she has a lot of guys chasing her, how lucky I am to be with her when all my previous loves were unsuccessful. We even talked about our future and family life. It really felt like as long as I kept fighting, that dream would eventually become true.

Recently, we had a fight about me not giving enough attention to her. After some really low moments, we made it through and made up. I set up a date at a fancy restaurant at a cost of basically a month's allowance as a kind of "fresh start". After that, all those painful memories were gone. It really seemed like everything was going to be okay. I hadn't been this happy in such a long time.

One night, she fell asleep on my chest. Her phone was unattended. She goes through my phone often, and although I always knew her password, I never had any motivation to go through it since I trust her with my life. That night, I was strangely curious. I went through her gallery. Smiled at the cute photos she took of herself. But then I found one weird photo: her ex, shirtless in a bed, with what seemed to be her bare shoulder just at the edge of the frame.

I started to sweat. I cross-checked the date on the photo then went to her messages with her ex. My heart completely shattered. Our entire relationship was built on her lie. Not only did her ex take her first time, she explicitly ASKED for it, when all this time she reminded me that she never had sex with her "creepy" ex. That revelation, along with the disgusting dirty messages they sent to each other... I felt like vomiting. I went up to the roof to break down and cry until the sun comes up and texted her to say that I found out and I'm not sleeping in my room.

When I went back, she was crying on her knees, begging me to give her one last chance, and that she loves no one but me. She said she didn't want to hurt my feelings and that she didn't know how to tell me. I comforted her, saying I understood but that I needed space to make a decision. I had to kick her out while sobbing my eyes out, torn between comforting her and realizing I was hurt too.

I love her, so much... I can't let her go even though my rational mind tells me that she had hurt me so much... and right before my birthday too...

I feel so lost. I have never been in a relationship before. If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Me (M28) and my gf (F27) for five years now have come to realize that at this point in our respective careers, we are now at the crossroads with respect to our priorities.

For context, we are relatively new lawyers, for me I have been a lawyer for 2 years now and my girlfriend is on her way to her 2nd yr as well. Lately, she has been mentioning that he wanted to be more active, experience more in life, and travel more.

On my end, I also want that of course. But the problem is I have different priorities right now. For one, I promised my younger brother that if his time comes, I would help him go through law school financially.

Now, this is where the problems starts. My gf wanted to experience more and do more. But as what we have discussed, as much as I’d love to do that, I have to be mindful of my spending since I have my brother to think about. After all, before me and my girlfriend even entered into a relationship, we both agreed that if our respective family’s need us, we would prioritize them.

So, my girlfriend then and I had a huge fight about these priorities. I understand her part though that she don’t want to be in the back seat of my priorities. And of course, I also don’t want to put her there and as much as possible, I want to put her as my priority along with my brother.

However, I dont want her to suffer more and reject me in the end. I’m thinking about ending the relationship not for me, but for her so that she can be truly happy with another person who can give her what she wants and not be tied down with me and my responsibilities.

What do you guys think? I’m so lost right now and I’m afraid to make a mistake that I would regret.

3 weeks ago, I broke up with my gf. Id recently moved nearer to her, taking a new job in the process. However, this meant I was working very hard and focusing on that and I neglected her. I didn’t see her enough or give her the attention she deserved, she called me immature a lot during our relationship. We also had an argument during this time which didn’t help. Because I hadn’t been seeing her, I felt something was missing/ the feelings had gone so without fully thinking it through, I broke up with her. However, I basically immediately regretted this but felt it was scummy to say this straight away. In any case, nothing actually changed all that much after the breakup, we still spoke loads and met up like 5 times in that 3 weeks. This weekend, she kissed someone on a night out and rang me up devastated. This was the wake up call I needed. The next day I then told her I’d regretted the breakup and was now ready for the more serious commitment she wanted and deserved. In a very emotional conversation, she essentially didn’t budge and said that she doesn’t believe someone can change in 3 weeks and that we could get back together in the future but not soon. She basically said I need to grow up first and doesn’t believe this wake up call would last if we got back together. She said I pushed her too far and she’s now drained/done. Thing is, I know the feelings are still there because 1.) she got so upset 2.) she’s still been seeing me and 3.) she’s repeatedly said maybe in the future (like 2 years). I also can just tell. She said she’d rather we get on with life for a bit then revisit it. My worry is if we leave it longer than a year she’ll meet someone else, she even set her dating profile to 26+ because she wants something serious.

I sent a letter but she still said the same so now I’ll respect her decision. We agreed to meet up next month with (hopefully) no contact in between. My question is, do I fully step back and revisit it at say the end of this year, showing I’ve progressed with my job and can lead a steady adult life? Or do I see her each month (we overlap in social circles) and remind her that my view hasn’t changed so that she doesn’t forget/completely lose her feelings. I know I’ve been an idiot and I’m fully aware of that, but this whole experience has changed my outlook and I know I can now make it work. I want that chance more than anything.

So i started dating my gf about a year ago we have been long distance. We are each other’s soulmate we like the same things, food and have the same interests. Things were fine for us until they weren’t she’s been dealing with family stuff that has taken a toll on her. She’s been acting distant and I have confronted her about this and she told me what was going on and it wasn’t anything i did. She also has been telling me she loves me. Here’s the problem we barely talk I haven’t had a phone call with her in over a month. We rarely text each other. I just want advice on how to make this time easier for her and keep myself from overthinking and overanalysing her texts.