good morning everyone, cannot sleep, picture was from yesterday afternoon

When I was in my last major episode of psychosis/mania I got really into art. I was constantly drawing weird abstract stuff sort of like this. As I was coming out of it/going on medication, I stopped being able to flow with it like I did. It’s been four years and just got the urge to take out my sketchbook. Whipped this up and while it’s not my best work, it’s in the same vein as my old stuff. Realizing as I’m writing this that maybe this is a sign I’m in psychosis again but I don’t think I am

Is it me or this illness affect your concentration? I remember I was excellent in the first year of college now I'm in my fourth year and barely able to succeed. Mind you I study medicine I no longer able to feel I can be a doctor with all these voices and hallucinations

Does anyone else have that thing where youre having a conversation in your head and you answer outloud once and realize none of it was real, even though it felt real? Is this the schizoaffective disorder or just one of my quirks lol.

Does anyone still smoke CBD/THC after diagnosis? I smoke CBD still as I find it helps me not feel so on edge. And even though I’m at 25% of how much I used to smoke pre-meds, I still feel guilty about it. Like maybe I’m still cheating and escaping and that’s “wrong”. Idk. Am I overthinking it? What’s your journey with sobriety or non sobriety like?

Does anyone ever feel that their head is just full? I feel like my brain twitches and that it’s too full. I know anxiety makes it worse but I wish I could have a new brain. Sorry for my little rant I’m just struggling mentally right now and I feel all alone. No one in my family has schizoaffective disorder.

Let me start with she wanted me to go to hospital today but i convinced her to let me wait til after psych appt monday…

I have to stay the night at my friends cause my therapist believes me to be safe here. Used to, yes i was, but now im not safe anywhere.

I told my therapist i had to go to walmart before i came here (which is true). While i was there, since i didnt bring my “stash” from home, i bought a new “stash” so i could overdose after they went to sleep.

I did change my mind cause i remembered my daughter was doing the special music at church in the morning.

But i do plan on kms in the near future. I want so badly to tell my therapist, but she will only stop me and i dont want to be stopped anymore. Nothing at all is helping me. Im getting worse. Ive been dealing with this almost 24yrs and this is the worst i have ever been my entire life.

I keep a journal that i SOMETIMES let therapist read. If i let her read what i wrote tonight, i will Be committed instantly and for a while.

What would you do if you were completely done trying but still wanted to talk to your therapist about it? Ive been with her wkly for 5 yrs. I think a lot of her. I dont want to hurt her or anyone else, but i cant live for others anymore.

Please tell me what to do.

i hate this life, if i feel normal for onece then mania, depression or psycosis is comming.

i always overthink everything and i only see the worst outcomes in my mind, like death or that i will be screamed at

i have friends but i kinda isolate myself from them because i feel like they are evil or some shit

i feel like the next ward visit is not far and i hope it wont happen but there is this thought always there telling me that i will be used as an experiment

all those thoughts are around me, constantly happening, always toururing me

it sucks ass

I looked up the side effects and now I’m scared 😭

I want to switch my meds from risperidone and lithium to something else that won't make me gain weight, feel like a zombie, and sleep 12 hours a day.

I'm nervous that I'll be making a big mistake, though. Lithium and risperidone have helped immensely with stopping most of my voices, delusional thoughts, and angry outbursts. I'm just afraid that whatever we switch to won't be as effective.

It's been a few weeks since I discovered I'm actually bipolar type and thing is I cannot stop eating. So I wanted to ask if any medicine was helpful to y'all on that journey. (I have people with diabetes in my family if that helps with anything)

I am afraid i will get back to my previous mental state. Even though I wasn't taking my meds for too long (quetiapine 100mg 1 month, lamotrigine 3x25mg 2 weeks) but i saw a little progress for this month. Now i am laying in isolation hospital with herpes type 4. And my mom who despises my mental diagnosis kept telling me 24/7 that my rush is because of lamotrigine. She even contacted my psychiatrist who after a small talk with my mom told me to stop using lamotrigine until my mono gets better and visit her in clinic after that. I was not self harming for almost two weeks until yesterday. I am scared of myself.

I am suffering from high heart rate (tachycardia).

The doctors brush it off by saying it’s just anxiety. But it’s far more profound and pervasive than simple anxiety.

It’s ruining my sleep and my standard of living.

Does anyone experience this alongside schizoaffective disorder?

Hi. First I want to thank everyone here for your honesty and transparency. I’ve been a fly on the wall off and on for the past 2 years or so to try and understand my partner better. I should say my ex partner. He pretty suddenly started treating me like I was nothing a little over a 2yrs ago. And I mean literally looking straight through me as if I wasn’t there or like he had just met me and has zero feelings for me. My heart is broken.

Backstory he 42m and myself 48f have been together including engaged for 13 years. We have 2 beautiful kids together. A dog, a bird lol, and life that I thought we’d have forever. When Covid hit in 2020 he spiraled. But so did many people so it was very hard to convince him that his thinking was off. He had always had quirks with things like license plates and numbers being signs of things. I took that as meaning like cute coincidences. For example the car in front of us spelled our names together in someway, or the bill came out to be the same number as his birthday things like that. Until 2021 when we were on quarantine and the religious piece became extremely important to him and he walked in (without my knowing) and left his job due to “religious persecution” because he had to wear a mask and a whole bunch of other stuff. Eventually he broke down and he decided to go to a psychiatrist where he was diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar disorder. I should back over really quick and say that during the time of his episode he treated me like the enemy mostly because of our political differences and my not buying into all of the right wing gnarly Christian nationalism stuff

He started taking meds and started getting a little bit better, he started to treat me again like the woman he loves and then as you all know the medication has so many side effects. One day behind my back he decided to stop taking it. It didn’t affect him right away he got his job back amazingly, (and I should say that he still has his job) but my being the enemy started to come on again. And this time it wasn’t because of political reasons .. I’m the enemy just in general. He believes I’m the reason that he went crazy he says he denies the diagnosis he’s been given and he has a very strong mannerisms of narcissistic personality disorder to be honest

I’m very confused too because all of the posts in here that I read , seem that schizoaffective tends to bring delusions and voices etc. of negative self talk not grandiose thoughts and beliefs. I’m starting to wonder if he was misdiagnosed and actually if he had stayed in therapy longer they would have found out that his delusions are actually grandiose nature and not schizoaffective and maybe he is a very severe narcissistic personality disordered person? I don’t know.

I’ve tried everything to try and make him see what he’s losing and what he’s thrown away. And he doesn’t care he does have visitation with the kids a little bit every other weekend. And I just sense so much delusions in him again
I’m not really sure why I am writing this or what I’m asking I guess I’m just feeling very alone and scared and angry too is there anybody here who has grandiose delusions where you think you’re someone special with a special mission and everyone else is stupid and there’s someone better for you out there than who you have etc? Has anyone ever gone off meds and then not gone into a psychosis that requires some sort of hospitalization but just manage to maintain like a medium level delusional existence? Is this possible it’s gonna be forever that he’s just borderline delusional but not enough to alert other people more than them thinking he’s just weird or full of himself.

Thank you in advance to anyone who read all the way through this Maybe I should’ve put this in a venting Reddit. I don’t know, this is my first time so I guess we’ll see what happens thank you

Okay so I wrote my speech for my nursing ceremony for my graduating class. My parents have told me it is too personal too much about mental health. That people will be wondering what is wrong with her. Im panicking the dead line to submit is coming up and my parents want me to start all over. My mom said she wouldn't even post my speech ceremony on Facebook. She said she doesn't want people knowing I have problems. I don't know. I was happy with the speech. Now I am not sure. Here is the prompt question for my speech and then my short speech below. Any suggestions appreciated. I'm about to start crying just thinking of people judging me or thinking something is wrong with her. Should I find something else to write about?

What challenges did you face while completing the program? Nursing school is never easy. It demands everything: your time, your energy, your patience, and most of all, your heart. But for some of us battling mental health issues, it also demanded our courage. There were days when just getting out of bed felt like a mountain climb. There were times 1 sat for exams after sleepless nights, unsure whether my mind could cary me through. There were moments where my body, my mind, and my spirit felt like theY were working against me but kept going. Ive learned to advocate fiercely for myself and for others. I've learned that healing isn't always linear, and strength doesn't always look like loud confidence. Sometimes it looks like showing up. Sometimes it looks like surviving a week when you didn't think you could. Because of what I've faced, I'Il never be the kind of nurse who sees a patient as just a chart. I know what it means to be misunderstood, to be overwhelmed, to fight silent battles while still trying to smile. I know what it's like to feel vulnerabledealing with mental health struggles and also, physical struggles in a medical setting, and I know the power of being met with compassion. I will cary that with me into every room I enter. To anyone who's ever questioned whether their struggles make them less capable promise you, they don't. They make you more compassionate. They make you more human. And in nursing, that is your greatest strength.

I want to let everyone know that you can reach your dreams. Everybody's education is not linear. Carve your own path at your own pace. You can and will reach your dreams.

I’ve just recently found Reddit as I was looking for something, basically I got kinda distracted on this site and typed in schizoaffective and here I am.

I’ve been feeling terrible lately. I looked up side effects to the aristada injections, and am now having a lot of fear around it. My next injection will be this month, and I wanted to see if maybe my dr can switch me to something else. I don’t know how easy it’d be to get off this injection. Every time I missed a shot before, I’d go into psychosis.

The main fear and reason I wanna switch is because dementia is on that list of side effects. I’ve been on and off the shot for 5 years. Steady for 2yrs. I feel like I’m having a hard time recalling things. And in general I’m always afraid I’ve got some disease (hypochondriac for sure). Then, I’m also fearful of seizures.(haven’t experienced one, but I’m scared to.) Heat stroke is also on the list, and every morning I wake up terribly hot. I’ve gained about 60lbs in two years. Oh and the esophageal reflux is a killer.

I’m just wondering how safe this injection really is. Yeah it was great at first, and I have few residual hallucinations. But the fear of possible dementia made me break down and cry last night. I rarely cry. I’m just looking for more insight and opinions. Does anyone else have these fears? What side effects have you experienced on this med? And does anyone know how difficult this may be to switch from the injections to something else?

I’ve had this condition supposedly since I was 23, but didn’t experience my first auditory hallucination til 26. I’m 33 now and feel like I just don’t know enough about it, & would love to hear more from others. -thanks for reading

I feel so hopeless. I feel like I have so many episodes and I always assume others have less. I have about 2 psychotic episodes a year, 2 (hypo)manic and 3 depressive. That's just average.

How about you guys? Thanks a lot, hopefully I will feel less alone.

When i say "i believe", I really don't know, but my brain really doesnt like not knowing, so the automatic thoughts start to believe the coincidences as evidence.

I believe I'm going to get kidnapped. I feel there is a conspiracy that is monitoring me, framing me if they need to, or just taking me as is. I feel they have been in my apartment, as a couple light fixtures have been detached from the ceiling when ive been out. Ive seen some odd behavior from people out in public. Ive had a couple car alarms go off in parking lots as Ive driven by those cars. Ive had feeds on my phone feeding into the conspiracy. Ive seen people in public really looking like theyre tracking my movements. Moved to a new apartment. Someone's wifi is named "It hurts when IP", which ive used for years. I noticed this after going to the bathroom and having momentary discomfort after peeing

Ive had some difficulties managing my mental illness in the past. Due to the pain, Ive become kind of an unpleasant person, but I dont try to be. I try to be the best person I can, but im very misunderstood, and talking about these things that worry me to people tends doesnt really accomplish much since theyre not grounded in reality.

Nevertheless, Im about to go to bed to try to get extra sleep. I took an extra amount of meds to aid in this. The worst part of delusions is the not knowing. I can never prove to myself this is or isnt happening. Im fighting to keep with evidence. To keep that Im actually not that important that there would be a team following me around to exacerbate my mental illness, or to frame me, or to kidnap me.

But it is certainly a possibility that its both delusional and real. You know people do go mising. The federal government is snatching people and deporting them, and who's to say this wont start happening to people with mental illnesses? If I do go missing, people are just going to assume that i committed suicide or ran off somewhere, so they could kidnap me and noone would really question it too much. I'm going to bed. I'll probably find out this week whats going down, or if i get healthy again and this all blows over. Either way. I need to sleep.

This shit is fucking ass. This shit ruined my fucking life. Fuck every day of having this illness.

I know I’m falling into a deep depression and I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to get out of it this time. I just want to sleep all day and give up on everything in my life and rot. I have no drive to do anything else at all. I want friends. I need friends.

During my last psychosis I was living out of my car for two months. I had a residency permit to Sweden that I could have easily moved myself to live with my husband. I cut all my hair off, got rid of some of my favorite items and unfortunately - pawned my wedding rings. I don't know if I can get them back, especially that I no longer live in the states. I feel absolutely awful as my husband and I loved those rings. But, like a lot of people on here, I resented my loved one. I thought he had cheated on me. I hate myself for what I did. I know my husband is still really angry about it. I can't stop thinking about how stupid psychosis makes me. I miss and want my wedding ring back. I want my hair to grow. I want my favorite pair of shoes back. I want these delusions and hallucinations to stop.

On top of that, I hate my dark thoughts and voices. They make me feel sub human. They're too disgusting and ghastly to deal with sometimes. They are often accompanied with imagery.

I was doing so well, and now I just want to die. I don't know where the feeling comes from. It's just an overwhelming sensation of me being done with life. I usually want to live, but today, I want to die. What's wrong with me?

I originally posted in my bipolar group and I got no responses so I am hoping someone here can relate- I’ve literally never felt so alone in my life.

I am struggling deeply with auditory hallucinations that have persisted for two years. During my manic phase I picked up a meth habit (never used it before in my life) and an IV drug user at that. A few months after I started I went into psychosis and stayed there for the better half of 1.5 years. When I hit psychosis is when I started hearing voices. I thought they were real when I was high. I’ve been clean for 518 days and the voices are still as persistent as when I was using. I’ve read that these can be brought on by a number of things, including drug use, and it’s pretty evident that’s what brought on mine. I’ve heard people in recovery meetings say they went away after a 1-3 years. Mine haven’t yet.

I hear my own thoughts echo in real time, like when you have a bad cell reception and your voice echos. Then the voices react to every literal thought I have. There is still a sad part of me that believes that my thoughts are being broadcasted to the world and the voices are real so I do this exhausting thing of attempted mind control where I try to stop my thoughts or explain them to the voices.

I’ve tried a couple different meds with no relief and some bad side effects. I’m losing hope and my will to go on. And in all honesty, it’s really eating away at my core being. I talk to very few people about it because 1) they don’t get it and 2) it makes me feel insane.

Just wondering if anyone has any advice for how to deal with this. I keep my headphones on, my tv on 24/7, because I can’t handle the silence (or lack thereof). I just reentered the corporate world and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to work in the silence - the voices are distracting. I haven’t had a moment of peace since early ‘22. I really hope something gives soon. It’s chipping away at my belief it will ever get better.

Feeling hopeless.

I feel like my life is over. I feel like I'm being framed and minitored. I feel like I'm going to get kidnapped. Life ends for us all. Maybe we're already dead. Maybe I've experienced everything already and I just don't know it yet.

Edit: I'm definitely being framed. What the fuck. Do I just pretend like it's not happening and wait it out? Do I just keep living my life knowing im going to get kidnapped?

Warning: disturbing behavior My beautiful 25 y/o son has been unmedicated in jail and now in a psychiatric hospital until today when he was given an antipsychotic injection. Why? He was eating his own waste. I’m heartbroken. Is there any coming back from this?