r/adhdwomen • u/AsleepYellow3 • 1d ago
Meme Therapy Is this why I’m somewhat stable?
So I still live with my parents because I can’t afford to live comfortably in my own country. I feel like my life is somewhat structured because I do a lot of things because I’m in my parent’s house. But I can’t help but think I would be on the right side of I could live by my own means.
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u/yoimiya175430 1d ago
As the person who was undiagnosed and moved out of their parents house, I can confirm I am the person on the right side - which was the reason I went for a diagnosis in the first place... When I look back, my controlled environment was both the reason for a lot of stress but also the perfect stress to stay in the somehow functional range
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u/Wolf-Majestic 1d ago
For me the best way to thrive is to elbrace chaos and learn to navigate it. Ir doesn't help the structure I had at my parents' place was toxic and abusive af... I feel right at home with my structure build to surf along the wave of chaos, that way it doesn't break and I feel safe.
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u/yoimiya175430 1d ago
Oh no, chaos is the opposite of help to me. Chaos means I won't eat anything bc the kitchen is messy. Chaos means I will procrastinate on everything while scrolling on Reddit for hours. And it only spirals from there to avoiding everything that chaos touches while promising I'm going to fix it soon or promising I'm never going to let it get this bad
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u/HisCricket 1d ago
My house is a total wreck. But my kitchen is clean and it's been cleaning for three solid days now. That's major progress for me
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u/Hyper456 6h ago
I learned recently that about 20% of bees in a hive will just f*** off and go wherever they want not following the reported path to the flowers. The idea is that limiting the chaos to one out of five helps the hive be adaptable and find new sources if old sources dry up. I think the example they gave was a bunch of cows breaking into the field and eat all the flowers. So at least in that way chaos is necessary.
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u/rbuczyns 1d ago
For me it was having someone else plan and chill meals, drive me around, and make sure I was on time 😂 but now I have to do all that PLUS have a job? Nah
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u/AromaticSun6312 1d ago
I actually feel more structured living on my own. Currently living with my parents & I can’t create my own schedule because of having to work around other peoples schedules & just not having the (physical) space to be more structured/organized
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u/404_kinda_dead 1d ago
This is more me, but I also hate being perceived. Living with people had me stuck in a bedroom and only coming out if I 100% needed to, sometimes after overthinking whether I need to.
Nope, living alone may give me more ability to ignore things when I want to but it’s levels better than living with parents
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u/AromaticSun6312 1d ago
Literally same exact feeling about being stuck in the bedroom. I love my family but sometimes I’ll hide out in my bedroom because I don’t wanna talk or be talked to 😂
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u/synalgo_12 1d ago
Being hungry but having to pass by the living room to get food, so having to choose between hunger or being perceived by others has taken up so much energy between my teenage years and buying my own place, it's incredible to think about in hindsight.
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u/404_kinda_dead 1d ago
YES! I knew if I walked out I’d be berated about something, either the eating itself or cleaning, staying in my room, reading, homework, tv, literally anything I was doing. Sadly my decision was always to stay hungry until everyone went to sleep, then I’d go out to eat.
To no one’s surprise, hiding food and eating at night was a bad idea and gave me a terrible relationship with food 🤡
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u/midnightauro 1d ago
Leaving my room meant my mother might see me and that would remind her that she hadn’t gone off on me in the past thirty minutes.
My room was safe purely from an out of sight, out of mind context.
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u/Neptunie 1d ago
This was me growing up but with my sister. But add in the bathroom situation. I would dread when I would need to use it to bath/shower, because she had no problem barging in if she needed something even though I constantly articulated I was uncomfortable with that.
I literally started to avoid using the same bathroom to try to prevent it, but then my hygiene took a nose dive and that was a new thing she would berate me over. The complaint would span either, why are you taking so long?, why are you using the bathroom so late?, why don’t you use the bathroom upstairs?, it doesn’t matter I’m not looking at you, etc.
Even as adults she’s still that way (berating if I don’t do something in the way she wants)
The fact my sister wants us to live together due to how much the cost of living has increased because she doesn’t want to move back home is….such a hard pass for me 🫠
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u/Which_way_witcher 1d ago
That's me, too. With parents I'm a nightmare but on my own I get to hyperfocus and create rules that work for me.
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u/AromaticSun6312 1d ago
Yep. Creating rules that work for me shockingly works for me. Lol having to follow others rules makes life so much harder
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u/NylaStasja 10h ago
I have the same, went from my own space (studio studenthousing) to back to my parents. And I was definitely more clean in my own house. Now my also adhd parents and I are all irritated by the others' stuff. And lack of rhythm
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u/hometowhat 1d ago
My parents are maniacs, so it was def the opposite lol
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u/bubblebath_ofentropy 23h ago
Same lmao. It’s an unhealthy environment that brings out my most destructive coping habits but I can’t afford to move out 😭
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u/Potential_Teacher_77 1d ago
This would be true if my parents weren’t emotionally unstable. I’ve greatly improved since moving out bc I’m not coping 99% of the time. Or trying to stay out their way.
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u/CriticalFields 1d ago
Yeah, the truth of this meme really depends on what kind of parents you were living with in their house, lol! Even before I was diagnosed, distance from my parents was massively beneficial for me in every way.
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u/Great_Butterfly_7112 1d ago
That depiction is so realistic! I was only diagnosed at 40 so never realized this. And I moved to a whole other country by myself so no one to come help me out with anything.
But I realize now that if I go visit my parents for a few weeks, their non ADHD rubs off on me. It's like by myself my auto pilot is broken, and with them my auto pilot works again. I can brush my teeth, take showers, go for walks because they do all that stuff without a second thought. When I'm home alone everything takes a lot of thinking about so I just end up not doing it. House is a mess, don't go outside for a week sometimes, showering once week is such a win for me and I'm way too proud of myself when I do it. The difference between having other people around and being alone is huge!
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u/L-u-n-e 1d ago
See, I worry about this. I've always wanted to live on my own, but I wonder if my life would be a chaotic mess? I live with parents too and do a lot for them, cooking/cleaning/fixing stuff. Would I not bother if I lived by myself? Who knows, but I simply can't afford to move out anyway
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u/PhantomAngel042 1d ago
For me, the answer to that question is "yes." Living on my own has really made it clear that all of my motivation to do activities like chores and self-care is external. I can't feed myself meals regularly, but my cats are fed their dinner every night without fail. I shower at least every other day while I'm working, but when we're off for breaks (public school job), I will go for days without showering. My house is constantly a cluttered, disorganized mess, but the second I find out I'm going to have company, I spend hours making it look presentable. The list goes on, but essentially, I do basically nothing for myself, and only show up for other people/creatures, because I feel external pressure to do so.
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u/Neptunie 1d ago
Hello this post resonated with me deeply cuz same 😭
I hate contemplating the what if’s for one day when I don’t have that external motivation since so much would be left to the wayside.
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u/kitkatcaboodle 22h ago
This is the story of my life. I really enjoyed living alone for many years even though it was exactly as you describe (including cats getting everything they need and more).
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u/kitkatcaboodle 22h ago
Living alone was pretty great for me - it was kind of a chaotic mess, but it was my chaotic mess, and it mostly worked until my space was once again invaded by an intruder (new partner) before I had a chance to make it look like I thought it was supposed to look. It was years before I realized everybody didn't live like that, throwing it together and shoving stuff in closets before company, etc. - they just keep up with it as they go. My ex and I sometimes talk on the phone late at night, and I will never forget, years after we had parted ways, when he told me he remembered the first time he came over to my house - I'm not even sure if I replied because I didn't know what to say . . .
I'm back with my mom now because she is starting to have problems with executive functioning, and I am falling apart - she was always the most "with it" member of the family, and I feel like I'm having to do all of the planning and executing for everyone (even adult siblings not living in the home,) and I was not prepared for this. I just walked away from my home taking only the things I needed when it became apparent that she shouldn't be alone anymore, and I can't even go back to pack up my house so that I could maybe rent it out to subsidize our living situation - it's about 70 miles or an hour and fifteen minutes by car - just thinking about driving there and back in one day is exhausting, nevermind the back breaking work involved.
more than anything, without the down time of being alone in my own home (or at least alone in my room,) the facade I present falls away and everyone can see what I really am . . . or they see something even worse when I'm constantly "on" or just around other people - I have to stay awake most of the night or get up really early to have any time by myself.
So, this is what I really wanted to say - if you want a partner, and if you are able to find a good one you can live with, it can be amazing. My ex and I worked side by side doing all the cooking and cleaning - when it was good, it was great. Though we parted ways a long time ago, he's pretty much my only friend that I'm not related to, and he knows me better than almost anyone. If you meet someone you see a future with, and if you really want a partner (not sure I ever really wanted that for life,) living together can be a great compromise between living with parents or living alone - bonus points if their work schedule allows you ample alone time in the home. Also, if you're anything like me you probably wouldn't bother with the cooking/cleaning/fixing stuff living alone until you absolutely had to do it, but that isn't the worst situation ever if you're happy (and when you're able to afford living alone without extreme financial hardship).
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u/datboy0 1d ago
I’m living at home to save money for my own place and do the same. I hope the habit building and repetition sticks, for example I clean the house every Sunday morning while they’re at church. I heard adhd doesn’t impact building habits and if you get through the most painful beginning stages of habits it can stick just as well and be a good crutch to do something without thinking about it too hard🤞
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u/Impossible-Ground-98 1d ago
I'm definitely on the right side. Thankfully landlord comes for money once a month so at least the flat doesn't turn into something disgusting.
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u/EnvironmentalOwl4910 1d ago
I'm the parent (with two ADHD kids) and I'm the person on the right. So I wonder what it's like for my kids to like in an unstructured environment.
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u/Aoblabt03 1d ago
Same here! I mean we really try but a lot of the structure comes from outside sources, school, extracurriculars etc. Without them (like during covid) we are an even hotter mess 😜
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u/Alternative_Area_236 1d ago
Yes! I am so grateful for the structure my toddler learns at pre-school!
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u/Alternative_Area_236 1d ago
Yup. That’s my situation too. And my mom has undiagnosed ADHD, so I didn’t come from a structured household anyway. Before getting diagnosed, I used to just tell people I was raised by wolves.
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u/Aoblabt03 1d ago
I went from living with one parent to living with the other parent to living with a bunch of roommates for like 4 years then got pregnant and moved back in with the first parent then out on my own with partner and 2 kids. Prob had it together most for the roommate time period. Started to suspect ADHD after first kid and confirmed it after the 2nd. Was also diagnosed with autism spectrum and both parents were like "really? Are they sure?" And like yeah they are it was like 8 hours of testing but I'm like cmon guys. My mom does not like bellybuttons, they make her very uncomfortable and her same foods all the time cannot touch. My dad has a lot of organizational systems that I thought he just inherently was good at but it turns out they are the systems of a man who lost a lot of stuff for a long time before implementing the systems so lololol
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u/AutomaticInitiative 1d ago
External structure is so, so, so important to ADHDers, and having a warm, supportive family surrounding you is one of the strongest ways to have stability as an adult ADHDer. It gives you safety to be you and have a safety net.
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u/Time-Turnip-2961 1d ago
Well I never had that lol so moving out at least I wasn’t controlled and criticized.
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u/AutomaticInitiative 1d ago
Honestly same. But seeing friends I made as an adult who have worse ADHD than me have totally different lives because they have supportive families has convinced me theyre very beneficial if you have it. Unfortunately for the rest of us, who weren't allowed to have needs and had every move criticized, moving out is the best thing we can do for ourselves. I am more than a decade from moving out and got diagnosed, on meds and have fully turned it around. Even managed to build relationships with family based on respect, as they've thankfully mellowed over time.
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u/I_like_the_word_MUFF 1d ago
Just saying that guy on the right is a killer golfer and despite it all is well respected for his skill.
Basically, be your best self despite not sticking to social norms and you still can succeed wildly.
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u/Alternative_Area_236 1d ago
Unless your single mom also has ADHD, lol. Then it’s going from in the frying pan into the fire!
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u/tacopizza23 1d ago
This is me and my single ADHD mom! I moved out when I was still in high school because I couldn’t get out fast enough. I had to move back at 28 due to a break up and selling my house, and again couldn’t get out fast enough lol
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1d ago
My family is emotionally and mentally stupid tbh, no support, very bootstraps mentality when it comes to that stuff, so fucking WEIRD to be so emotionally dead and basic midwestern Consumers Of Things to be happy. No thanks, goodbye to those crabs in a bucket. I’m so much happier, becoming more myself (shoutout first time in therapy) and successful (on my own terms) now that I’ve been out of there for a year (just turned 36). Spinsterdom is amazing, I smoke weed on my porch while my cat hangs out and watches birds, I go inside and putz around MY shitty apartment that I love, I have a spare bedroom that’s also an art studio in process, I can have my fucking organized piles anywhere I want. Life isn’t half bad most days anymore 😎
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u/Electrical-Basis1646 1d ago
As a teen/young adult, my parents’ home brought the worst of my symptoms out - I was constantly feeling nagged or controlled so I naturally wanted to revolt to everything. And my more serious symptoms like noise and emotional sensitivity were ridiculed so I thrived when leaving the house and couldn’t wait to get out.
Now, in my 40’s with a teen myself, we have a more lightly structured home with clear communication over boundaries for her mental health as well as my own. When we visit my folks’, we go with pre-set boundaries so that it’s enjoyable for everyone but even still, I can only manage a happy few days before I’m like “ok gotta go!!”
And honestly, my home is a happy one with more laughter than arguments and lots of mutual respect and ability to enjoy everyone’s company even when stressed or exhausted 🙏
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u/autisticbulldozer AuDHD 1d ago
yes 😂 my mom kept me on a consistent routine my entire life and when i went off to college on my own, everything fell apart. all of my inner struggles were no longer inner, and they were amplified to the max. i was already diagnosed but did not have a clear picture of how much my mom was keeping me stable until i had to function without her 😂
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u/Jozz-Amber 1d ago
The person on the right is confident in themselves and doing way better. I love being that person.
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u/tybbiesniffer 1d ago
I think it's bold to assume we all come from stable homes.
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u/madeto-stray 1d ago
Yeah I'm so disregulated around my parents my ADHD is 100x worse. I work SO much better on my own.
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u/Rua-Yuki 1d ago edited 1d ago
I find myself more stable and structured on my own. Living with others makes me think I can get away with (financial) things I definitely cannot get away with.
My ADHD responds very well to impending doom.
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u/Tiny_sneeze 1d ago
The right looked the same for me when I was on the left lol. My parents and one of my siblings also have ADHD (I'm the only one formally diagnosed, but there's nothing in life that I'm more certain of). My parents didn't provide any structure and our house was a mess, but at least now that I live on my own I have to deal with one messy person (that would be me) instead of 4.
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u/Chickstan33 1d ago
I used to make my bed every morning, and my room was immaculate. Living on my own? Floor covered in clothes, and apartment in disaray. It gets better though - especially if you have a partner keeping you on track.
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u/AuthenticEquilibrium 1d ago
It’s less Stable home and structure and more all the other shit that comes with adulthood, whether home or work….I always had to work harder than everyone else at everything but I could do it…. Once I had to do all the other stuff no one tells you about, that is just a pain because it’s easy and boring and time wasting, broke me (ie forms, paperwork using the right social rules when dealing with work hierarchy, etc etc). It’s exhausting. And it’s so hard to function when you’re always exhausted. For example, I can do technical work, but there is no such thing as just technical work….
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u/AuthenticEquilibrium 1d ago
Oh, and part of the being stable is simply being supported by people that can keep a job. It is so flipping hard to keep a job. You may do everything right, but they can smell the ND and either make your life a living hell or find any excuse to let you go. So even if you parents are a mess, if you know you get to keep the same roof over your head from year to year, that’s stable.
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u/Accomplished_Age8703 1d ago
Ha! Fair, but somehow my house tends to be much more clean and organized than my parents'. I may live a bit more chaotically, but the pressure and obligation to have to do things myself is good for me. It's somehow more internally chaotic but less externally chaotic... but it's likely one of my parents has ADHD so... It is nice when my stuff doesn't get moved around randomly, though, and I don't get interrupted all the time when I'm busy.
But yes, living on my own is what prompted me to get diagnosed in the first place when it removed all the external distracting factors and I realized my brain is perfectly capable of continuing to be a little hurricane all by itself.
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u/synalgo_12 1d ago
My parents are undiagnosed boomers and I have helped them be more structured, declutter and I give them life advice on the regular. I've bought my own studio apartment and they rent 😭
I am not structured at all compared to probably most people my age (mid 30s), but I'm a lot more structured than them. They never stood a chance tbh.
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u/alowave 21h ago
When I first moved out I was kinda "manic" for like almost two years. Spent 1000s of dollars on squishmallows and all my hobbies and spiraled so bad. I went wild, realized I wasn't happy with having my whole apartment become a hoarding situation and have taken almost 2 years to get the stuff out.
I moved back in for the last 6 months with them and I kinda found a groove again, now I just moved back in with my partner two weeks ago and I feel like im SORTA keeping those habits luckily
This is 100000% accurate for me.
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u/nap-and-a-crap 21h ago
Oh hell yeah. Barely managing. Excellent survival skills tho after decades out there in the unmedicated wilderness
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u/GeminisGarden ADHD-HI 14h ago
Lol, same. My first thought was -hey, that's me on the right at 13 years old! Except the golf club was a random bottle of stolen hard liquor.
Unmedicated decades later, I finally get meds, and I'm not sure I'll ever make it to the left, or want to. Some of that wild will never leave me ;)
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u/GeminisGarden ADHD-HI 14h ago
Lol, same. My first thought was -hey, that's me on the right at 13 years old! Except the golf club was a random bottle of stolen hard liquor.
Unmedicated decades later, I finally get meds, and I'm not sure I'll ever make it to the left, or want to. Some of that wild will never leave me ;)
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u/Softbombsalad 1d ago
Maybe lol. My husband and I both have ADHD and hot damn, we are a mess if we don't stick to our schedules.
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u/Burnixen 1d ago
With me its the opposite, but thats because my mom is mentally ill and difficult to live with. On my own, i get all the peace, quiet and space to manage myself. Moving out was one of the best decisions ive ever made.
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u/anjiemin ADHD-PI 1d ago
I really wanted to live on my own, but my parents wanted me to be “practical” 😮💨 I really do think if I am with parents I am more structured.
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u/jensmith20055002 1d ago
I moved out and fell apart. My life was better when my mom was in charge. BUT I’m glad I did it young.
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u/Historical-Gap-7084 1d ago
I live with a husband who is all about structure, so it's very helpful for me to stay on track.
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u/bushidonoire ADHD-PI 1d ago
Despite all signs pointing to the obvious, I was still trying to convince myself here and there about the possibility I didn’t have ADHD, even after my diagnosis (not without struggling, but “I have a bachelors and masters, always held down a job” etc etc 🙄)
Fast forward to me moving out of my mum’s house and any kind of impostor syndrome disappeared within the first 2 weeks 💀
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u/Time-Turnip-2961 1d ago
I don’t think I was that more structured when living at home. The difference is, I got overwhelmed by solely having a bunch of adult responsibilities after I moved out that I got fatigue and issues from struggling to deal with it all. Still don’t have any kind of structure, doing chores and meeting bodily needs is sporadic and tedious. Place is a mess. I think it’s just too much for the adhd mind to keep up with.
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u/rexthenonbean 1d ago
When I first moved away for college I was so fucking unregulated for like a year. The guy on the right was definitely me 😂. I’m a junior now and I’m absolutely thriving. I have a regular sleep schedule for the first time since I was like. 8 years old or something. I’m medicated. My life is a lotttt better.
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u/lemon_bat3968 1d ago
I didn’t get diagnosed until 35 but I probably should’ve known when I moved out and slept on my college dorm floor because I was using my bed as a closet 🙃
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u/PolarisFallen2 1d ago
Just came to add…. I did great after I moved out when I had a roommate! When she was gone for the summers and then once I lived alone… yikes. Took me way too long to put that pattern together, but it’s definitely there.
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u/astronauticalll 1d ago
yeah cannot relate, living with my parents was hell. I moved out at 18 and haven't moved back since, life's a lot more stable on my own/with roommates
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u/SkyeeORiley 1d ago
In my case when I moved out I both gained structure and lost some.
For example at my parents house I had no proper schedule for chores at all. Whenever I was about to go and do dishes, my mom had already done them and I was like "HUH??". At their house, if she wanted the dishes done at... 11am, they should've be done at 10am. LOL.
So when I moved out I made my own schedule and now I'm doing chores at a time that works for me, and I don't feel stressed about missing it so my mom would be mad lol. I also do chores in a VERY adhd way which my mom hated LOL. Feels great to zoom through 'em in my own chaotic way without judgement! LOL
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u/MyFiteSong 1d ago
Yes. Everything fell apart for me when I moved out to go to college. That's when I ended up getting diagnosed.
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u/googly_eye_murderer 1d ago
So happy? Yes. I am much happier
The structure was abuse so I am much much better now
I miss the structure of school. Not my shitty abusers
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u/theplotthinnens 23h ago
More executive function can be outsourced (or is hardly necessary at all for certain aspects) in living situations like that. When you're on your own, you're the only central nervous system running things. You have to build the structure from the ground up, and that's harder to maintain alone.
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u/Prestigious_Island_7 22h ago
Can confirm. Did swimmingly until I move out at 18 for university. The combination of lack of structure and increased demands of adult life made for a no-good, very bad time 🤠
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u/wyvernrevyw 19h ago
I would say it's less about living with parents and more about having people to keep you accountable
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u/luckyloolil 5h ago
I was stable (granted on meds) until I had kids, then even with meds my ADHD felt crippling. Things are getting better now that I started anti depressants and my kids are a bit older so I can turn my back on them (seriously toddlers are the worst. THE WORST)
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u/riley_kim 5h ago
I forced myself to be a type a person because i thought thats the only way i could be. After getting severely depressed, i am now starting to show signs of the second guy. Am much happier now :>
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u/Katlee56 4h ago
Hahaha! This is if you're parents have their shit together. My mother's ADHD is worse than mine. I'm the one in my family with my shit together. At least in comparison to my family members.
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u/Playful-Impress-5749 1d ago
That's not funny. ADHD does make independent living sometimes very difficult.
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