His eyes had no soul in them Thats what keeps me up ,the soulless eyes as he did unspeakable crimes

Saw my ex the other day bc I still have furniture at her place and i can’t go into huge detail without it just being obvious but she dropped a pretty big bombshell about herself that has had me rattled since then.

In a nutshell it kind of solidifies my belief that she was being abusive towards me, sexually in a way too, which I doubted for years bc of my own faults and aggression while in the relationship but…yeah damn This just confirmed everything, and I’ve been telling my bff everything that I wasn’t able to express bc I simply didn’t have the words but now I do, and the truth is so jarring

I have a job to go to and things to do and this is just rlly rlly getting in the way of that. I know that’s not the nicest or kindest way to speak about it/myself, as I am just like in a victimized position but it’s just been frustrating. It feels like this only crept up now that there’s been some more stability in my life . It’s only been 3 days since talking to her but I’ve just been spinning out since. Panic attacks, nausea, feeling faint etc…… And I still have to manage to function! Lol

The biggest thing bothering me right now though, is that this is like making me wanna just upend all of my relationships w friends, most importantly my bff which rlly hurts bc I rlly love her. I don’t know if I’m just shell shocked from everything and zeroing in on her faults or if I have legitimacy in maybeee wanting to leave the friendship. I know this is all hard to rlly Make out without full detail but it’s really just too much for my brain. It’s just if I’m right about my ex like I was…I keep feeling like I’m just right about everything. Like everyone I know has something that makes me uncomfortable.

For a long time, basically the five year relationship, my ex was my way my truth and my light lol so to speak. I really trusted her judgement and sometimes she would just…be right. About people and situations, about nuances, about my bff being inconsiderate sometimes, her flaws.

After she told me what was up w her on Thursday tho, I feel like wow This person massively projects onto others and she’s projected onto ME and she even admitted it

One time last week when I texted bff I was spiraling out and said “I feel like I can’t think for myself” I feel this is kind of the root of this. I don’t know how to make the right decisions for myself and I’m afraid to mess things up, or by not doing anything keeping myself stuck like I did in that relationship.

This is terrifying though bc she’s been my biggest support since the breakup and I legit do believe and feel she is a good person, some things just bother me sometimes. She’s actively working on herself though, and even though my ex was trying to do that I feel my bff actually has more footing and can get better about certain things/I’ve seen her be better.

It’s just everyone I know is traumatized to some extent, some more than others and it’s like uncomfortable instances are bound to come up. I don’t even mean sexually like I’m gonna be sexually abused but like people maybe being inconsiderate, or not aware of power imbalances like my ex, who refused to see them bc of her own discomfort. When/where do i draw the line? What am I actually ok with

Ever since this breakup it’s like I’m either “wheeeeee!!! I can do whatever I want!! I have control over what happens!!” Or “fuck. Only I have control over what happens.” When it was over and I moved out in November I was kind of hit w a clarity over what I want and don’t want in life, what behaviors I can’t or can live with. My best friend was kind of included in those thoughts.

I’m just scared I’m scared that I just keep fucking up my life bc I realized I really kept myself stuck for five years and I don’t wanna do that again with anyone. I’m also deeply afraid of being alone, bc if I do just not have my bff I really only have a couple of acquaintances and that’s it.

Just if any of u have any experience w post abusive relationship feelings like this, pls help lol My ex also had a tendency for black and white thinking and well, I’m p sure I picked that up as well.

Why am I alive?

I don’t know. I have a sense that something unwanted and unfavorable is pulling me away from everyone and everything I love and cherish. I feel near torn apart by this… I have a beautiful family who all loved and supported one another and kept one immature bullshitter (dad) in check. We have our grandparent’s house on a lake some hours away from where most of us are, the fan cave and theater/arcade of my brother meant for entertaining… all of these things meant for entertaining dozens of nerdy, geeky and creative friends. We all loved geekdom and pop culture, attended ren fairs and conventions… there’s like $20k in unique cosplay commissions alone among us.

I love all of this and always have.

I’ve faced douchey friends pushing musical instruments on me I never wanted. I’ve had people judging my family for their wealth and aversions to drug-users. I have some people so serious about forcing me into fatherhood that even after my vasectomy they said “now you can choose the kid you want.”

No. I am sterile because my family is a supportive community with dozens of kids already and I am a supportive, childfree uncle who’s had a lifetime of mental illness and fuck you if you’re deluded enough to think that wealth is enough to sacrifice my humanity and make me bleed for you.

My father’s just walking around burning through money as the only person who gives a rat’s ass about boats in the entire family but we all kinda humor him. At the backs of our minds we know life will go smoother without the added complications if boats on two separate lakes.

I sit here on bullshit disability income my father claimed when I was 15 to pay for a private corrections facility after I did something violent. He then forgot about it all and even kicked me out to live with my girlfriend at 17.

Been on limited income with full financial support and accomodations from family for decades and now, honestly... since starting on reddit near covid, I’ve had everyone start isolating and become... shittier. Like they’re intentionally punishing me for following laws, rules and setting personal boundaries against substances and having children after decades of psychiatric treatment.

It feels like their brains have been consumed by some random blue collar toxic masculine asshole dad brain or something and that brain doesn’t know squat about our history or the loving support we’ve always had for one another. Hell, my dad almost had me working with his friend who owns a 7 figure/yr business doing vehicle and racing vinyls. I also had the opportunity to work with a racing team my father’s friend owns with a half dozen cars.

I don’t know why I’m alive. I just am.

We have two very successful small businesses in the immediate family I could be working for. They’ve both been in busines for 30+ years with wonderful, family service and amazing reviews.

Instead I’m here craving social needs I’ll never quite satisfy on fixed income with no vehicle and dozens of family clusters scattered about 2 hours of driving away from me where I am.

I’m currently struggling to feed myself with an ebt card in limbo and on hold while my father holds yearly parade from Chelsea Proving Grounds to our grandparent’s lake house with all his Viper Owner’s Association friends, Team Viper engineers and exotic car friends. Turns out the Chrysler Crossfire I turned down had a purpose and he hasn’t forgiven me for saying no to it.

...

I fucking hate it.

I watch a lot of videos about mental health and CPTSD and this one in particular, which is about the concept of Inner Child, helped me quite a bit by clarifying my knowledge about this concept.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCey815gjbQ

I copied the main misconceptions here, but you should watch it regardless to get the full picture:

• The Inner Child is a literal entity - it is a metaphor used to represent past experiences and emotions

• Inner Child work is a cure-all

• The Inner Child needs constant attention

• IC work is only about healing trauma - It's also about reconnecting with the positive aspects of oneself, such as creativity and joy

• The Inner Child is always an "Exile" or wounded part

• IC work always requires regression - This is not accurate or necessary for effective therapy

• The Inner Child is responsible for all negative behaviors and poor behavior should be excused

• Inner Child work is the only way to heal past experiences - It is not the only approach to adressing and integrating past experiences into one's present life.

So I had a breakdown about a year ago and that started my therapy journey. I was almost immediately diagnosed with CPTSD and I have a lot of issues with isolation. During my mental break I had realized I’d never done anything on my own like ever without someone coming with me or telling me exactly what to do. So I panicked and ended up joining a group of people to do 16th century reenactment type thing. I was excited but quickly realized I was so disconnected from regular people that things weren’t going well. I really tried so hard to make friends with the people but was constantly on edge. Then I overheard someone talking about me and how weird and awkward I was and I was crushed. I had tried really hard to act normal but after that I stuck it out the remainder of the event but I felt I back slid a lot. I realize now it was way to much to soon (I nearly agoraphobic and it was a 3 day event that involved camping out, and there was a good thousand people there separated into smaller factions.) I’ve still been in therapy but after that interaction I’ve found myself not wanting to branch out or try and make friends. I feel I’m to awkward and broken and others won’t understand why. I wanted to apologize to the girl talking badly about me and explain why I might come off odd and such but instead I ended up hiding in my tent for an hour building up the courage to stay even though I felt so unwanted. Is this normal to feel this way when trying to reconnect to people after long periods of isolation?

I've worked through so many different courses or "programs" over the years, learning different techniques to heal and grow as a person to overcome some of the really horrible habits I developed from my dysfunctional family. Recently I was doing a course from a "little t trauma" therapist from Canada (Tim Fletcher), who is very well-versed in trauma and healing from it (though he has an insane amount of focus on addiction, which is sort of off-putting to me, but to each their own). I have been working through the Align course and just find it so focused on the "why" the dysfunction impacts us so much and a tiny hint of how to overcome it at the end of every lesson.

I find this focus so difficult bc it feels like staring 99% at the past, reliving all the screwed up things and barely hinting on the "moving forward, this is how you can grow and learn better". I'm wondering if anyone else has the same frustration I have. I am fine to explore some of the details of what did happen, but I don't find it helpful, therapeutic, or beneficial to spend so much time in that space.

I did find a book that I just started which is called The Complex PTSD Recovery Guide: A Practical Guide to Understanding and Healing from Trauma by Damian Blair. So far it seems to focus more on next steps and progressing forward rather than dwelling in the past.

Does anyone have other recommendations that are more forward thinking?

ETA: I want to add that the post is not written with an avoidance approach. I've spent years grappling with the anger towards my family for how I was treated when I was growing up. I've accepted that my family of origin is just....not healthy for me. I am aware of a lot of the memories from my younger years. I am interested in continuing to unravel them, but with more focus on how to go from just surviving to thriving. I've grieved the loss of the family I wish I had growing up. I have accepted that their love is a very toxic love (if you can call it love at all) and that I get to teach myself how to be better, love more healthfully, demonstrate unconditional compassion. I aim to continue to find and disengage triggers I didn't know existed, but I want my focus to be more on the future than the past. I recognize the importance of exploring memories, maybe unearthing some of the one that I repressed. I also see the importance of focusing on what lies ahead and how I can continue to change the trajectory of my life by learning and growing

There's so much history, so much context, and I (30f) don't even know how or where to begin.

If I wrote it all out it might be a book. Maybe I'll just do where I'm at today.

For the past 3 years I have been alone except in an abusive codependent relationship for 2 years. I recently got the courage to move away from him, like last week.

I haven't had family in 20 years. I haven't tried to maintain or make meaningful friendships in... 5-7 years. My isolation gets harder and harder to climb out of every year. I feel so removed from people, and at this point I don't even know how to genuinely connect with another person and build meaningful friendships or build a support system.

Looking back I think my withdrawal from others was a subconscious, "less people = less hurt." Which turned into, "no people = no hurt."

I was being controlled by my partner and my decades of trauma. I was living in a prison. I moved away from my partner.

But the isolation isn't healthy.

I've been making real efforts to connect with others. I'm taking active steps to become healthier. My attempts at connecting have fallen apart.

I have manners, I'm a decent conversationalist, I pay my own way for things and when I'm out to eat with someone I'll more often than not pick up their tab too, if I'm going to someones house for the first time I bring a gift. I try not to talk about my trauma but if they bring up theirs then I discuss my experience on the same level as theirs. Maybe I shouldn't even talk about mine.

I have noticed that people like to tell stories about fun times and when I go to join in all I can remember are bad times. So in that department I don't really have much to say.

I'll be honest, I'm here again in hopes of finding an online community, not anonymous, I actually want to find a support group or build a support system or something.

Is there anything out there like what I'm looking for? Does anyone have advice?

I was diagnosed with CPTSD a couple of years ago. Along with some of the usual things: Generalised Anxiety disorder; Panic disorder and OCD. I was a shut-in the house for best part of a decade. It was terrible.

I got a very good therapist and cognitive behavioural therapy. Fast forward a couple of years and I've currently stopped all medications and therapy and officially in full recovery. I've got back to work. By and large the symptoms have gone. I'm happy and functional.

However I keep having sudden extreme panic attacks. It's not over specific things. I'll manage stress and work fine. My PTSD is around death and hospitals and I've even manage those events fine with sick relatives. In the moment of 'crisis' at whatever it is I'll be fine. I'll rise to the moment. I'm able to react and behave normally. I don't have any of my old triggers. I don't feel like I'm 'coping'. I actually feel like I'm functioning properly.

However out of nowhere I'll have these 'feel like I'm dying' panic attacks. Like today after work I got home and all of sudden I felt like I was going to die. Nothing specific. Just an acute panic attack out of nowhere. As bad as I've ever got them. Tunnel vision, heart palpitations, feeling of immediate threat, angst, dread etc. Even though nothing was wrong.

Why is this happening? How can I overcome this? Is it a relapse? I'd understand if I was getting triggered. But these come out of nowhere.

I was diagnosed with C-PTSD less than 3 days ago.

Thirty years of crying in secret.
Thirty years of being misunderstood, gaslit, mocked, silenced, and told "it's not that bad."
Thirty years of working, performing, being “functional” while carrying a nervous system that was screaming in a language no one around me understood.

And then I found five letters.
C. P. T. S. D.

And in that moment?
It was like my soul stood up and said: “I f*cking knew it.”

Since then?

I’ve messaged my friends.
I’ve set boundaries I was too afraid to even dream about.
I’ve told people I love that I was carrying hatred.
I stood up to my father.
I confronted the silence I was buried in.
I told my boss he helped save my life.
I built a brand from my survival.
I started turning music into sacred weapons.
I created art. Set fire to shame.
And most importantly…

This post isn’t about bragging.
This is a wake up call.

To the ones still stuck in hopelessness:
I see you. I love you.
But I’m done pretending that healing has to be slow, soft, or pitiful.

I’m not here to cope anymore.
I’m here to resurrect.

I’m not belittling pain.
I lived in mine longer than anyone should.

But someone here needs to hear this:

Not everyone’s journey looks like mine.
But don’t you dare mistake your trauma for a life sentence.

You can still climb out.
And when you do?

You can burn the whole f*cking prison down behind you.

I broke up with my partner a couple of months ago due to to a continuation of lies that never seem to get better even though they said they would work on the lies. The biggest thing was that they failed to tell me they had been previously married, and then when I confronted them about the marriage, they failed to tell me they were still legally married. So for the first 3-4 months of our relationship, they were still married. My partner would get defensive when I brought things up and I felt uncomfortable continuing to ask questions for clarification. They manipulated their words into making me believe they were never actually officially married, which I wholeheartedly believed until I recently found court records of the divorce and realized I had been lied to this whole time. Even after I had multiple pieces of evidence that I showed them about the marriage, they still to this day will not just own up to it. I even told them I would be willing to work on things again if they would just be honest with me, but to this day they will not admit the truth.

I knew from the beginning that these were not malicious lies, and I figured it was a defense mechanism that had been created when they were a kid dealing with their trauma. I recognize this behavior because I too struggled with this a lot, and it took a previous partner and therapy afterwards to understand my behavior. I told my partner this and told them I am happy to work on the dishonesty with them without judgment, but they just have to stop denying the truth and when I ask for clarification, they just need to give me the truth. That didn't seem to help and the relationship ended aftter I caught them in another small lie that they denied right up until I had physical evidence in my hand once again, and when they couldn't deny the truth anymore, they physically left my house instead of talking about it.

With all of this being said, it was genuinely the only true issue I had with them. This was the first partner I ever considered actually marrying, and the first partner that I felt actually treated me right. They are so gentle and so kind. Which makes the lying even more confusing because it seems so out of character for them, especially when they are so understanding of so many other things.

And I'm just so confused on if I made the right decision or if I should have been more patient. I genuinely tried for over a year to be understanding and non-judgmental, and it wasn't until the last couple of months that I started to get more upset and angry with my partner, which I know is not good, but I didn't know what else i could do and was getting so frustrated because I felt like we were just stuck. I felt like they were in denial of their lying and nothing I could say or show them would get them to listen to me.

I've never been in a relationship like this, and I'm genuinely just so...hurt. I feel like they created this spider web of lies and I don't know what was real and what wasn't real, especially because they would never admit to telling me a lie even if I confronted them about something. All of the times they said they loved me, all of the things they said they wanted to do with me, all of the stories they told me about their past ... I don't know what's real and I feel like my world has completely turned inside out because I've spent the past year in an alternate universe that I'm not sure ever existed or if it was all just a lie that I was told .... I'm having trouble getting over this relationship because I just keep looking at previous text messages and photos and just trying to figure out if that was the truth or not. I feel like I'm going insane.

I truly do have so much empathy for them because I know they have been through so much pain in their past, but I feel like at some point you have to confront your past in order to work on the unhealthy habits you formed from it. And a partner is a great person to have in order to figure out your patterns, but my partner never listened when I told them about their patterns.

So I guess I'm just asking for advice and maybe just someone to tell me they've been through something similar. Did I leave too early and not have enough patience? People that deal with cPTSD, have you ever had an experience like this with a significant other or an ex and how did it end up?

I'm sorry for the rant, I'm just confused and lost.

I've had my brush with mentally sick men since I was 8 years old...free of the last one in 2023....and I've done intense counseling and prayer groups and got a new job and staying busy with hobbies and best of all dating a very good man, a real one where there's no yelling for intimidation, or throwing things in anger, or threats, or putting me down on purpose and in public.....the list goes on.....

I notice as much as my brain is healing the past year, some dreams come up where there's a reenactment of a PTSD event, only the guy character is somebody's else face and I'm outside my dream body watching the events happening to me and then the REAL me outside my dream is thinking..."that person didn't do that to me, I haven't even seen them since we were teenagers."..and it almost terrifies me of the idea and disgusts me. When I wake up I have to remember that the things that happened to me weren't my fault, every time....hardest part is forgiving myself because I felt dirty then and I feel dirty after waking up from the memory/weird dreams.....

And I know I"m not the only one that has experienced something like this....but sometimes it's easy to feel alone when you're asleep and nobody is seeing what you are dreaming or remembering what you're remembering.

I can only hope they will continue to become less and less and time goes on. And bring my brain back to 100% healed ****hugs to you all ***

A day late posting but here I am.

Another year. This year was particularly tough, and, dare I say, beautiful.

Staying out of an abusive relationship, moving into my own place and feeling safe, applying for and getting a service dog (in a couple of weeks), and continuing to ask for help and - having the courage to accept that help.

Taking breaks. Taking it slow. Being nice to myself, trying to at least.

Making it through another rainy winter.

Ups and downs. Today is a down day. But I will play The Last of Us Part II, and sit on my balcony and listen to the birds, and look at the flowers I'm growing, and feel a little better.

I can't wait to get my dog.

I'm grateful to all of you, I've been a part of this community for a very long time, and it's one of the only places where y'all just get it, get me, and you're patient, kind, answer questions, and support me. Thank you. I love you all.

I hope that wherever you are in the world, and whatever you're going through right now, you can smile for a second. I'm smiling right now.

💙

MODERATOR APPROVED. I'll continue to repost to ensure that as many people who would like to participate are able to read about the study and get in touch. Thank you so much to those who have responded, I'm very grateful for your time and support, especially given that it's such a sensitive and emotive topic. Please feel free to message me if you don't feel comfortable emailing right away or have any questions.

💬 Have You Experienced Technology-Assisted Child Sexual Abuse (TA-CSA)? Your Voice Matters.

Hi! My name’s Anna Balmer, and I’m a final-year trainee clinical psychologist at the University of Edinburgh. I’m currently working on my doctoral research, which focuses on the experiences of people who’ve sought professional support after going through technology-assisted child sexual abuse (TA-CSA).

TA-CSA includes many types of online abuse, such as:

• Grooming and sextortion
• Being sent sexual messages or images
• Sharing of abusive material
• Online stalking or harassment

These experiences can have a lasting impact, but the support available—and how well it works—is still under-researched. That’s why hearing from people with lived experience is so important.

💡 Why Take Part?
Your insights could help shape how professionals and services respond to TA-CSA. This study isn’t about the abuse itself, this study does NOT require you to discuss details of your abuse. It's about your experience of looking for help: what helped, what didn’t, and what needs to change.

The project is being carried out in partnership with the Marie Collins Foundation and has received full ethical approval from the School of Health in Social Sciences at the University of Edinburgh.

👥 Who Can Take Part?
You’re welcome to take part if:

• You’re 18 or older now
• You experienced TA-CSA before the age of 18
• You’ve accessed or tried to access professional support
• You’re okay talking about that in a confidential interview

📌 What to Expect:

• A one-to-one online interview
• It’ll take around 60–90 minutes
• All information collected will be confidential and anonymised.
• You can stop or withdraw at any time

🧠 Your story could help improve support for others.
🎤 Your voice really does matter.

If you’re interested or have any questions, feel free to get in touch:
📩 Email Anna Balmer (Lead Researcher): [A.Balmer-3@sms.ed.ac.uk]()
📩 Or contact the Marie Collins Foundation: [mhinton@mariecollinsfoundation.org.uk]()

🔒 Everything you share is confidential.
🚫 Please note: financial compensation is not available, and phishing emails will be ignored.

#SurvivorVoices #TACSA #MentalHealthMatters #SupportSurvivors #ResearchWithPurpose #YourVoiceCounts #CSA

Hey all, just looking for anything that works for you to help be a little more gentle with yourselves when you are experiencing any of the above.

These symptoms have ramped up for me lately and I've found myself canceling plans and just wanting to be left alone. My default emotion when this happens is shame. I'm ashamed of myself for not having my shit together and letting people down.

Thank you.

I'm wondering if a data analyst/business analyst positions wouldn't be the best idea due to cpstd. Not sure though since it's not a full time thing-- only in meetings.

I have been diagnosed with cPTSD and recently OSDD-1b. I don't relate to the communities sometimes. I often see people talking about symptoms that sound like they're from a movie, and my symptoms aren't like you see in media at all. They tend to be more chaotic or subtle and don't want to be pinned down. They're also incredibly painful and uncomfortable to try to talk about, unlike some posters at times who almost feel "proud" to list symptoms. Then I wonder... Am I just different, or are there some loud voices of people "faking it" taking over the conversation? Then I immediately feel guilty for even thinking that. I try not to think that way, but that means I just have to look at myself as an outlier, which doesn't feel good, either.

But does anyone else ever feel this way? Do you ever feel like you don't fit in, despite a formal diagnosis?

I understand all can coexist at the same time, but I’ve noticed that since having been away from my family, I’ve branched further out my shell.

Eye contact is still hard but my mum used to do this thing where she’d stare you down, until you looked away. Right up in your face and everything.

Neglect and abuse led to poor socialisation and isolation at school. Uniform shirts were grey from smoke, hair unkempt and unbrushed, shoes with holes and generally smelling of smoke.

Low self esteem meant I couldn’t interact. Didn’t pursue relationships in school, nor did I partake in clubs.

But when I’m comfortable with someone talking is easy.

I’m able to now interact with cashiers and random strangers, albeit not frequently.

I’m able to write down tasks and prioritise and complete them.