So I am trying to heal my childhood trauma since I am like 16 🙄 I even majored in psychology and have been in therapy for a long time.

I am coming to the conclusion that “healing” it’s a scam. You just become aware and try to stay away from everything that triggers you (bad people, bad relationships) and that’s it, if you’re lucky, of course.

I am starting to think that healing is just a myth. Am I wrong?

Secret is this, sex offenders always turn on each throw each other under the bus and kill each other and always well involved in making drugs and steal each others drugs, sex trafficking networks are much, much more dangerous to part of and high chance of death and tortured to death then even strictly just drug dealing networks alone. If sex trafficking of women and children then drugs are always involved but then not all drug makers and dealers are sex traffickers of women and children if you get what I'm saying. One FBI or DEA or police officer detective looking into them, the whole network goes down. God is great.

Edit: Biggest child sex trafficking families run the churches as well I suspect with many are well involved in money laundering and drug dealing.

It’s really has consumed me, Im going 10+ years of CPTSD I just feel like I can’t hold a normal conversation without brining something up, I don’t even mean too it’s just that it’s become so normalised in my life I forget this isn’t normal, like I feel I have nothing positive to contribute when someone asks about me anymore it’s making me really sad

Like I do have hobbies but still even now I struggle enjoying things I used too and struggle to talk about things I loved

Does anyone else have this problem?

Imagine your eyes are perfectly fine but your brain is wearing glasses. For a time everything is fine and the glasses work OK but then different traumas start to happen and cracks begin appearing on the glasses. Despite your eyes working perfectly, the cracks on the glasses distorts things severely and your brain is then given a completely distorted image which, more often than not, it will respond to incorrectly. So whilst you're physically seeing things perfectly, the cracks that are causing the distortion are then forcing the brain to react in an inappropriate way because it can't make head nor tail of what it is seeing and needs time to decipher it. This is why a lot of psychiatrists will tell us to not respond immediately whether it's to an email, a text message, or whatever it is that had triggered us. It's triggered us because of the distortion. If we wait until the next day, the brain has been able to compile the image in its proper form which allows us to respond appropriately.

Better late than never I guess

Like genuinely happy. I feel so fucked up from trauma that when I see people living normal lives happily I feel jealous. Does anyone feel like this and how to stop it?

Sometimes I feel like I’m too emotionally sensitive for this world. I can get genuinely tearful just thinking about people working in small food businesses. Like a family-owned cafe or a tired-looking waiter and suddenly I’m all tears when I’m alone and can cry in peace lol.

I start imagining how they have to watch other people enjoy the food they serve, while they maybe don’t even have the time or money to eat it themselves. Maybe their boss doesn’t allow them to take a proper break. And I don’t know why, but something about that breaks my heart in a way I just can’t explain.

It probably sounds irrational and really stupid of me. But my brain always goes to the saddest version possible of their story, and I feel this dumb, quiet grief?..

After masturbating I just end up sobbing and crying, it's quite intense. I felt better after it. I only keep thinking about an ex partner and it almost feels like "I'm his". We've not been intimate in over two years. There's more drama to the shit he pulled after on me. But I'm just so confused as to why this is happening.

I have really bad body dysphoria from childhood trauma, and today my friend took some shocking pictures of me. She joked about sending them to our friends and I asked her not to but she still did and everyone laughed and made jokes.

This is a menial example, but shit like this seems to happen to me all the time, across every part of my life. Everyone thinks I’m more than happy to be the butt of the joke, and recently I have been standing up for myself and getting called ‘grumpy’ for doing so.

Does anyone feel like no one sees, hears or respects them?

I just buried my mum and my family keeps dragging me along to family events but treating me like a hazard. Yeah no shit I don't want anything to do with the culture that watched me and my mum get beaten and neglected to madness. I came here for my mum, I don't care about anything else. I can't wait to leave this sick culture that vilifies the hurt and champions appearances

How do YOU fall in love? How do you release all control and put your heart in someone else’s hands? How do you need to feel?

As a person with a lot of childhood trauma, I don’t know how to allow myself to feel open to love. I can socialize fine, be attractive, go on fun dates, be conversationally very stimulating but anytime there needs to be feelings or going deeper, I have no idea how to do it. I don’t even know how to feel.

I don’t know how to let someone care for me and trust them. The emotional intimacy part of a relationship is incredibly foreign to me and I want to be open to love and full acceptance. It’s just not a disposition I know. And I often wonder - if I need to heal my brokenness to be able to fall in love, how do I begin to do that effectively and not just talk in circles in therapy?

I think it counts for something........when you know you need help, and then ask for the help. Especially When you're a survivor, it takes a lot of courage, and a lot of shame resilience, given your experience of humiliation if needing ...anything. All this Shame, For the CRIME you committed of not knowing everything, ....automatically. ...and then burdening others with your humanity. It says a lot about parents that don't see their children as developing humans......and don't see themselves as ...parents.

No matter how genuinely inexperienced I was , no matter what it was, "You should know that, why are you asking me?". You have no idea what you're being told is a Lie, there is no reason you "should" know......anything. That's just shaming someone. No one knows......................E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.,

I don't know what the deal is with certain parents, that don't want to see you learn? Everything is a god damn competition, or you're a drain on their precious time, when all they're doing is watching TV. LIke learning, developing, getting better, and advancing, isn't a little thing called parenting....instead it's a chance to shame you....a chance to brainwash you into thinking that the problem lies with you, when the problem lies with abandoning their parenting role. At one point, I asked my partner who knows a lot about sports, if X amazing skilled ball player, started out that way? No, of course not, because people start off at point A, advance to point B, and gradually , step by step, grow, evolve, learn. THis is a natural, normal, human evolutionary process. When you grow up with a parent that's shame based and threatened-by you , that simply can't exist. It makes sense that once children get to a certain age when they start surpassing their parents, could be 12, 13, is when the abuse escalates.....or when they abandon you altogether. One day they stop showing up, and you don't know why.?

THEN, you say to yourself " well okay, I guess I'll just go it alone, wing it". THEN get screamed at, or laughed at, because "How can you be So stupid, that's not right!!!!" It feels like a set up. Well, if it was okay to ask for direction and guidance, then I would have known, but you told me not to ask......so I had to cobble together something out of thin air....... i.e., .......pack Jelly beans , pickles and raw hot dogs for lunch, because you -said_-"pack your own lunch!"....and didn't even show me how? FYI, Google and reddit are my Mentors.

Over explaining,.....profusely apologizing , feeling stupid and worthless whenever looking for help, and actually believing that "everyone in the world knows this except for me".....is ....just....not....true. The fact that i might know something , someone else doesnt' , is never a possibility.

My mother acted like she knew everything, , then yell "No one is helping me!!", scream at everyone for being a bunch of worthless losers because theyre not Mind readers ...all because this person can not say the words ....." I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know everything...I need help"....because it's uncomfortable and humbling....and they have to always win , always be in control, and dominate everyone, to protect their fragile ego.and make them appear omnipotent. Then refuse to acknowledge their mistakes, this massive attempt at making themselves Grandiose, above reproach, or having to admit that ,guess what, you're human............. just like the rest of us.....no you're not a God. or a Queen.

Every time I have to ask for help, I have to beat back the Shame telling me I'm pathetic. Someone says "Do this", I do that, maybe I have to go back and say "I tried that, its not working". ....it's killing me to do it, but I make myself, because I'm trying not to hammer on myself for just being a normal person.

can’t remember the memories that made me unable to function and act like a normal non-self-loathing human being in interpersonal interactions (i am unable to gain employment because of this—yes it is that bad!)

can’t access the healing to help me function (yes, in fact, every single therapist i’ve seen DID gaslight me and underdeliver so much that i still couldn’t function!)

all of the years in survival mode going to a good school and working in banking, totally trashed due to three years of being inactive after i “burnt out” because of “past trauma”—why the fuck didn’t i just keep going? like, not keeping going was the wordy decision i could have made looking back, and despite my “intelligence”, i made it. i’m literally useless! like actually worthless! :D

death genuinely appeals to me

when people say that you want something more than you want to breathe, i have to take the opposite approach; in order to even think of shooting for a goal at all, i have to make it more appealing than death, and as i have lived over time this has gotten exponentially harder to do

i just don’t know anymore

i don’t get why i had to be born

I just learned how bad this has been effecting me. Whenever I have an emotion, desire, experience, that "I shouldn't", the feeling that comes from "I shouldn't" amplifies the pain by 10x. I've always been very rule-based and I've always viewed the world through the lens of how things "should" be, a utopian view essentially.

Where do I start to learn to break down my expectations and shoulds? It feels really hard cause then I'm accepting mediocrity or being complacent. Its like an excuse to not be better.

Basically I'm looking for resources/methodologies to look into. I just started therapy and only had 1 session so far. Should I be looking into grounding meditation or other trauma work for this?