The fact that I have lived at least 30 years past the time that I, at 19, figured I’d be dead by, is kind of freaking me out.

I cringe at the “only the good die young” trope.

I’m just wondering if my anger at Michael Hutchence is legit.

It's overwhelming. I hate how even the slightest annoyance I feel from them turns into unblinded rage that I can't control or stop. I want to destroy things and smash them until they disappear, but I can't release it cathartically so it just stays inside me. I've tried journaling, punching and screaming into pillows, exercising, all that bullshit and it doesn't. Work. I'm genuinely afraid that I'm going to actually hurt someone one day and it takes so much energy to hold it all back everytime. I know behind all this rage is an insurmountable amount of sadness - At how unfair my life has been and that I deserved so much more as a kid than this piece of shit childhood I received. I don't know what to do at this point.

We often don’t know how to human and were never taught. There’s no manual on how to be normal. I’m nearly 30, lord knows I have much to learn but what I have learned I’d like to share:

Never ever ever ever be grateful for the bare minimum.

Trust you instincts, most traumatised people question themselves and overthink, so your not being selfish in trusting your gut.

You have you own truth, don’t listen to others “truth”. If you feel hurt it’s because u were, doesn’t matter their opinion or intentions.

You deserve to take up space, physically and in other people worlds.

Don’t be desperate, it’s ok to want things but don’t cling or be too assertive to make it happen because it’s vulnerability or makes people uncomfortable/ look down on you. Be proactive in life but not dependent on it all working out.

Look down on others more, to a certain degree. (No one would think to say this). Trauma makes u think less of yourself so to normalise, you need to think less of others, to put yourself on the same playing field.

You should show you’re annoyed/displeased when people wrong you in a small way. It alerts them to your boundaries. (Don’t blow up over small things but be clear you’re not impressed with certain behaviour).

Never tell people about your trauma/past unless you have trusted them for about 5 years and still I would be weary.

Let people believe you have a family and are loved and popular (just in a normal way). Even if you are comfortable with your situation. Humans are primitive and want things others want (i.e. you). They will think less of you if you “have less”. Dumb but lots of people are like this.

Anyone else have any??

/rant It's rare but ever so often I'll actually get a memory from my life. And for a brief moment it like I've unlocked warehouse of files and I know I could remember my life but things that I went through were damaging enough to where my brain won't let me access them bc then I'd remember all the bad too. There is no way to remember only the good so no memory is the solution. It's actually more triggering to have this sudden ability to recollect when you've had this oh I just have a bad memory like it's some personality trait. Like I'm bad at sports or I hate cilantro. The realization of loosing all those good parts and the fact that I'm continuing my life in such a state that I'll likely lose these parts too...and these moments are the ones of my baby girl's childhood. In the end my answer is to spiral. Trigger. Spiral. Woe is me. Numb. Sabatoge. Numb. Trigger. Repeat.

I'm overseas with family on business and we've finished up. I started talking with our landlord that owned our AirBnB and and I was more interested in talking about his investments and future properties than doing anything else with our remaining time here. Has anyone else just been stripped down of the ability to enjoy anything else?

Not to say that all across the board, I do load myself up with more work than him- but I mean in the sense of "mental health". Why am I SO PHYSICALLY DEBILLITATED by my poor mental health? I speak to him about it and he says he cant even remotley relate. We literally both went through all the same different traumas that lead to this outcome for me and has the same parents (genetics). I have always HATED how I will physically experience sensations from like anxiety and people will ask what I'm anxious about. There's not a clear one direct thought in my head, all I know is I am experiencing physical pain and discomfort that I have learned is correlated to anxiety. Now as ive gotten older I also understand this to be CPTSD. The past couple weeks I've been feeling it... lurking in the background. That constant nausea, stomach churning, discomfort, FEAR. It's so scary when this time of year comes. I feel not in control of my own body and existence which is like ironic cuz it creates a cycle via being triggering. I wish I was stronger. I need to be stronger.

I asked for help. I told them everything at the time and they did nothing.

My mother said she believed me when I said I was raped when I was 7, but she only took me out of there when I was 13 after I had my brother (and I became my brother's mother).

Today she says that I never told her anything, but my brother can't be alone with my uncle (who sexually harassed me), so I have to stay there with them. She never closed the door, always welcoming him affectionately, even though he tried to abuse my nephew too.

I hate how much she pretended to protect me, how she undermined my self-esteem and infantilized me, how she turned me into a ladder for my brother's success, how she tried to destroy my sexuality and in the end she said that I was exaggerating, defaming her, that I always wanted to be the poor thing and that I am ungrateful.

She didn't teach me how to do anything and got angry when I tried to learn or someone else taught me. She taught me almost nothing about women's things or hygiene, but she complained when I tried to take care of myself.

She wouldn't tell me if I was fat or had bad breath in private, but she loved to say it in front of other people and complain that I was too sensitive. I could have some success, but wanting something better was a reason for fights.

I hate this woman.

Hey, how do you guys deal with exhaustion with CPTSD? For me I have always done a lot of things like overworking, travelling, hanging out with people to run away from the anxiety I am feeling all the time. With exhaustion I cannot do anything to run away from the anxiety.

In my experience anxiety is masked when people with CPTSD are distracting themselves and later on the body is exhausted as it has been running multiple processes. It seems like the body is constantly in fight/flight and is never resting, just getting more exhausted. I experience freeze if I have been in fight/flight for several days/weeks in a row.

How do you find ways to calm yourself in exhaustion?
I have tried techniques for vagus nerve reset (only works there and then), calm and healing music, guided meditations, drawing, writing. Everything just works as a distraction, no long term relief.

Am I crazy? Is my trauma invalid? Is my cptsd not real? My psychologist said it is. But my parents said I’m a spoiled ungrateful stubborn brat. My parents said I’m the ungrateful one. I don’t have a single normal memory of them from my childhood - I actually don’t remember a lot. I always remember getting screamed at by my dad in some way or getting in trouble for something. I remember strict rules. I remember not being able to do normal things like wear shorts or go to school dances. They always talked shit about me to their friends. Always put words in my mouth. Never regulated their emotions around me. Had crazy emotional enmeshment. Always made me feel guilty when I wouldn’t call them everyday or come visit them in college (mind you I went home at least once a month if not every other weekend). Till this day I still call them everyday - even when I don’t want to. And if I miss a call or call one over the other they emotionally guilt me. Every act of my rebellion (in their eyes - I was just trying to be me) was like I had just killed someone. My independence was too much - it made me not listen as a girl and I “betrayed” them. They Screamed at me at the top of their lungs and then said it was ok. That I should take it and respect them in the process. That these things are normal and okay bc at least they sent me to private school put a roof over my head let me use their money took us on vacations (which ended with us all fighting anyways - my dad screaming at us in public). It should all be ok bc at least I wasn’t hungry and at least they “gave me my independence”. Bc I wasn’t graped. Things have reached a boiling point - they are upset bc I am marrying someone outside of my culture and religion and “social status” and somehow I’ve disappointed them and “their dreams” somehow I’m the ungrateful and rude one bc I “talk back.” I didn’t try hard enough to meet men they approved of and wanted me to marry. They called me names, they called him names. Said they r disappointed. I’m exhausted. I have had unbelievable fatigue my entire life. Some days I just cannot move. No matter how much I sleep it’s too little. My nervous system is constantly on overdrive. I get triggered so easily - especially by yelling and conflict. I always feel tense I can never relax I’m always on edge. I feel crazy. I wish this would just end and that they would be normal. I’m going through the hardest obstacle in my career and they used it as ammunition of why I shouldn’t be with who I am with right now instead of listening to them. please I want it to end

Hi all, as i’m on my way to bed, i’m keeping this a bit short. I’m a 19F trans girl navigating extreme gaslighting and abuse by my parents and health worker flying monkeys they’ve enlisted to play parts in a grand illusion. They’ve used various means of coercive control to simply abuse me. Not *for* anything, not because of anything, but simply as an external effect of their own constant inner turmoil, disabling them from finding any happiness within.

I can’t help them with that, though i’m not helpless, because they are not me, and whether they change or not doesn’t dictate the effectiveness of my efforts in life—and here, my efforts to get myself out.

I’ve been navigating maintaining my authenticity in this environment, struggling with letting go of people who don’t feel alligned and like i could express my full self to them. I’m still picking apart and piecing this together, trying to understand how the pieces fit, i wrote a bit after this put on some pondering deleted it for now, still pondering, but i will ask: what are some of the best ways you’ve all found to rely on yourself for reality confirmation more? that’s what i’m doing, and after doing better.

For r/InternalFamilySystems folk, this is loosely related in the sense of freeing parts from burdens and honouring their trust expression.

Listening to Threadtalk (super recommend) a Reddit review podcast, a story came on from a 13 year old who got taken in by her friends parents after they called child services for an incident & the kid is wondering if they were an asshole so went on Reddit -

The thought of a 13 year old on Reddit makes me cringe for them …& I’m so happy that girl had someone who cared & could provide and her best friend is about to be her sister (hopefully)

but I had a flashback of how I wished that would happen even after I was out of my v abusive scary neglectful home into my grandparents and adopted by them @ the same age as the girl, 13. I had some underlying expectation that compliments meant people cared enough to be invested in my life.

After awhile I would resent my friend and push them away unknowingly by getting mad at the things they would complain about. I didn’t have many friends I would say around 5-6 from pre-k to graduating high school. To myself, i would get mad at their parents for complimenting me & thought everyone was cruel, careless, & lying. I carried around that hate for the world that made me cut off emotions seeing them as worthless pains & as an adult I’m dealing with not only the same feelings about the world, but difficulties healing from anything bc how I established my relationship with emotions back then.

I truly perplexed me, why would people say things if they were not fully behind and invested?

I’ve learned social cues, obviously, & understand all of it now thankfully bc it’s so much worse now but I still don’t forgive any of them. There are so many ways you can help a family, a child, offer emotional support or just do a few small kind things out of decency for other humans struggling. Like bringing over a meal knowing I was the only one cooking cleaning going to school and helping take care of my grandma & started working at 15 so I could afford college - a simple sandwich for lunch for them while I was gone would have made a world of difference in our lives.

& for family I felt stabbed in the heart that they knew everything and still did nothing to help me, my brother, or their own parents. I was too much of a push over and should’ve been angry back then.

Now your turn - What resonated with you? How young were you when you started getting resentment and hate towards the world? Do you still have those feelings? Did you get over them?

I feel like a lot of abused children have difficulties with being overly strong as an adult and can’t process them healthily.

Feel free to comment or take the space to share a related experience, recent flashback, etc. ❤️ someone cares. I’m not much but I see you

This is the second time I’ve become disregulated and have out of no where exploded and needed space. It scares her and she thinks I’m going to break up with her because I shut down or sometimes if I feel like I’m being attacked I will be on the defensive.

I’ve written a long letter about my history explaining to her why I have certain coping mechanisms. Do you think it’s a good idea to send it to her?

I’d love someone to be able to read through it as well as I’m scared it’s coming across as self loathing but I’m really just confused and am hoping to make some sense out of things.

It has been years since I escaped my toxic country and family It took me so long to be able to function like a normal person, I got my independence back

Some days I still can't believe that it really happened to me - they gaslighted me too much

Only now I am fully free physically, mentally and emotionally from all of that shit and I clearly see how terrible it was

and only now I am free

I don't believe any word that they say - I only believe facts. I can't take this shit to myself anymore - I see the truth very clearly I am much better now I am very confident I am full of myself I am just the best thing on Earth and I won't let anything bad happen to me

I suffered so much, I suffered enough. no more, just no more.

Someone close to me is talking about willingly going back into a situation with people who’ve harmed them in the past. They believe it’s beneficial, but I see so many red flags. I feel powerless and afraid to push them away by voicing all my fears.

Looking For– Advice or experiences from anyone who’s watched a loved one re-enter a potentially abusive or controlling dynamic.– Tips on coping with the worry, guilt, or helplessness.– How to maintain some line of communication without enabling the situation.

I’m keeping details very vague for privacy. If you relate and want more context, feel free to DM me. Thank you in advance for any insights.

For context I'm 22 and have been in therapy and counceling for about 6 months now which was fully self admitted. I am coming to terms with my gender and sexuality and recently have been pushing my families boundaries and have began to tell select family members that I believe I am transgender (mtf).

My entire childhood I grew up with parents who actively shamed me for any feminine expression I showed. I've known I was at least queer since a very young age and had been trans-questioning since the age of 13. I had to deal with my parents constantly berating me for trying to feel more comfortable with my body. They would yell at me, call me an embarrassment, tell me to "keep my little crossdressing kink a secret and to keep it in the bedroom so nobody could see" at the age of 16, and throughout my whole childhood but especially within my teenage years they would generally constantly berate me and even go as far as to throw away women's clothing I would buy myself with my own money.

Fast forward to now. I'm 22, almost done with my 2nd degree in college, and I have put myself in therapy. My therapist and I have identified that I struggle with a lot of familial trauma and that I am transgender. My parents have very recently seemingly improved quite a bit. Seeing as I'm an adult now they aren't nearly as outwardly homophobic/transphobic towards me and my mother has actually said she will eventually "come around" to me being trans eventually and doesnt complain about me wearing womens clothes around the house.

This should be something I celebrate about but I just can't see my parents as anything more than the abusive monsters they were for most of my life. And when I confront my mother about past trauma I have and when I try to talk to her about shitty things she did to me in the past and how it's affected me she usually defaults to "I don't remmeber doing that" or "that's in the past and I'm doing better now". I feel like she's only really doing better because she knows I will cut contact with her as I plan on fully moving out soon once I have my degree and because she realizes she's lost most of her power over me. She is still incredibly shitty and abusive to my younger siblings and if I ever talk to her about it she still deflects everything and forgets it or says "it could be worse for them so what I do is justified"

My other family knows about the abuse I went through and they know that my siblings are also arguably being treated even worse than me. And they defend my parents by saying that their just "doing their best" and that I'm lucky to not have worse family who would completely kick me out for beginning to come out. They say that I'm not being open minded enough and seeing their point of view and how much their going through. They say I need to be the bigger person and forgive them for the abuse they put me through my entire life all because they seem to be improving now (despite them still treating my siblings bad) and they say I'm the one who's being selfish by holding grudges and not forgiving them because "they are family and family comes first" they tell me i need to be the bigger person and forget and forgive and honestly I just don't know what to do anymore.

Hey all,

I’m moving back to my hometown after spending the last five years on my own, and I’m feeling a mix of excitement and anxiety. I’m looking forward to reconnecting with some really healthy relationships that I don’t have where I currently live, but I’m also worried about old people from my past trying to creep in. One of my big concerns is being firm with my boundaries in a place where things used to be complicated.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with dissociation. I’ve always been someone who stays present, but lately I can’t get through a single minute of a podcast without completely checking out. It’s happening at work, during my workouts, and even at home. I’m wondering if this is related to my CPTSD, and if maybe my body is trying to protect me, or even telling me not to go back home. I’m scared, but I’m also excited. I don’t want to keep running from my problems, and I’m ready to face them head-on.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say here, but this feels overwhelming. Any advice or support would be really appreciated.

Thanks for readin