Imagine your eyes are perfectly fine but your brain is wearing glasses. For a time everything is fine and the glasses work OK but then different traumas start to happen and cracks begin appearing on the glasses. Despite your eyes working perfectly, the cracks on the glasses distorts things severely and your brain is then given a completely distorted image which, more often than not, it will respond to incorrectly. So whilst you're physically seeing things perfectly, the cracks that are causing the distortion are then forcing the brain to react in an inappropriate way because it can't make head nor tail of what it is seeing and needs time to decipher it. This is why a lot of psychiatrists will tell us to not respond immediately whether it's to an email, a text message, or whatever it is that had triggered us. It's triggered us because of the distortion. If we wait until the next day, the brain has been able to compile the image in its proper form which allows us to respond appropriately.

So I am trying to heal my childhood trauma since I am like 16 🙄 I even majored in psychology and have been in therapy for a long time.

I am coming to the conclusion that “healing” it’s a scam. You just become aware and try to stay away from everything that triggers you (bad people, bad relationships) and that’s it, if you’re lucky, of course.

I am starting to think that healing is just a myth. Am I wrong?

I have really bad body dysphoria from childhood trauma, and today my friend took some shocking pictures of me. She joked about sending them to our friends and I asked her not to but she still did and everyone laughed and made jokes.

This is a menial example, but shit like this seems to happen to me all the time, across every part of my life. Everyone thinks I’m more than happy to be the butt of the joke, and recently I have been standing up for myself and getting called ‘grumpy’ for doing so.

Does anyone feel like no one sees, hears or respects them?

Secret is this, sex offenders always turn on each throw each other under the bus and kill each other and always well involved in making drugs and steal each others drugs, sex trafficking networks are much, much more dangerous to part of and high chance of death and tortured to death then even strictly just drug dealing networks alone. If sex trafficking of women and children then drugs are always involved but then not all drug makers and dealers are sex traffickers of women and children if you get what I'm saying. One FBI or DEA or police officer detective looking into them, the whole network goes down. God is great.

Edit: Biggest child sex trafficking families run the churches as well I suspect with many are well involved in money laundering and drug dealing.

It’s really has consumed me, Im going 10+ years of CPTSD I just feel like I can’t hold a normal conversation without brining something up, I don’t even mean too it’s just that it’s become so normalised in my life I forget this isn’t normal, like I feel I have nothing positive to contribute when someone asks about me anymore it’s making me really sad

Like I do have hobbies but still even now I struggle enjoying things I used too and struggle to talk about things I loved

Does anyone else have this problem?

I hardly think it’s a victory but I let my grandma know/see how much I still hurt. I triggered this particular crying spell after reading fan fiction and couldn’t stop crying. I’ve never really told anyone how deeply I hate myself and to be very honest I think yesterday was the very moment where I genuinely felt how deep and hollow the hole in my heart is. I felt like there was a literal piece of me missing. I told her about how hard it is for me to have always been so overlooked in terms of being desired. I’ve never actually voiced how worthless I feel to anyone because they’ll disagree with me. I don’t want to hear people tell me they love me. I don’t invalidate but I just don’t. To me love is such a strong and intense emotion that I don’t feel for anyone really besides my grandma and a few other ppl in my life. Most immediate family are not tied to that feeling. I spoke of just how I need someone to be gentle with me and never really having it; instead always worried about everyone else. I know no one will see this but I had to put it somewhere

I just buried my mum and my family keeps dragging me along to family events but treating me like a hazard. Yeah no shit I don't want anything to do with the culture that watched me and my mum get beaten and neglected to madness. I came here for my mum, I don't care about anything else. I can't wait to leave this sick culture that vilifies the hurt and champions appearances

Sometimes I feel like I’m too emotionally sensitive for this world. I can get genuinely tearful just thinking about people working in small food businesses. Like a family-owned cafe or a tired-looking waiter and suddenly I’m all tears when I’m alone and can cry in peace lol.

I start imagining how they have to watch other people enjoy the food they serve, while they maybe don’t even have the time or money to eat it themselves. Maybe their boss doesn’t allow them to take a proper break. And I don’t know why, but something about that breaks my heart in a way I just can’t explain.

It probably sounds irrational and really stupid of me. But my brain always goes to the saddest version possible of their story, and I feel this dumb, quiet grief?..

Better late than never I guess

Hi alllllll

I’ve never posted something like this before, but I think I need to. I come on Reddit a lot, mostly lurking, and I always tell myself I’ll comment more or say something, but I get overwhelmed. Today I’ve been spiraling a little and I guess I realized how badly I’ve needed to say all of this. Sorry if it’s a ramble and sorry if the format is weird!

I’m 26f, and I still live with my mom and my younger brother, 14. My mom and I went through a lot of trauma together—she’s from Guatemala and immigrated here when I was little, and a lot of our life has been about surviving, not living. We’ve been through intense abuse from my brothers dad. I was abused sexually for years by him. We’ve been through homelessness, pitbull attacks.. I have a really sick sister in Guatemala and we send a good chunk of money for meds. Whatever. My point being, it’s a lot. So my brain just never… caught up. It was focused on getting through each day. I graduated and secluded myself from everyone since I didn’t have time for anything else.

I feel frozen in time. I keep feeling like I’m 16 or 20 again, even though I know I’m not. It’s like I’m trapped in a loop, and sometimes I dissociate so badly that I start remembering everything at once and feel like I’m living it again. Other times I feel like nothing is real. I just ‘woke up’ to all this about a year ago and it’s been… heavyyyy.

Anyway, I’m closeted. I live in a very religious, Latino household, and my mom is incredibly homophobic. My mom doesn’t know. She wouldn’t accept it. I know because she found out once (by finding my phone) and had a full meltdown. She threatened to kick me out, made awful threats about my girlfriend, and said things that terrified me. She made everything about sin and God’s wrath. At the same time, she had an accident falling off a 26’ ladder, and it was never dealt with. We kept pushing, working, surviving. She still kept anger, resentment, cruelty, and I kept hiding. I told myself I was staying a little longer for my younger brother, who I basically raised, but I know now that I’ve built a system around hiding and fawning and guilt.

I feel like I’ve sacrificed so much of myself. I’ve helped pay rent, helped raise my brother, helped emotionally carry my mom, all while lying every day about who I am. She says things like she’d be dead without me. That I’m her angel. But when she’s mad, she says the cruelest things I’ve ever heard in my life.

Now I’m 26. And I’m still in a loving relationship with a really good person. She is patient with me, though she doesn’t understand the full weight of what I’ve lived through, obviously. Sometimes I take things out on her. Sometimes I go quiet, or I’m grouchy or push her away. I think it’s because she’s the safest person in my life and part of me still doesn’t know how to be safe. We struggle, but we love each other. She helps me with anything I need: money, peace, anything. After work, I usually go straight to her house. I pretend I’m working weekends just so I can be with her. She says she hopes I get out of this, even if it’s not with her, but she wants to start our life together.

It’s just all so complicated. There are parts of myself I still can’t fully access. Sex is hard right now. I’m realizing how much trauma is tangled up in it for me, and I didn’t even notice until recently. I’ve been distant and withdrawn and she’s been patient but also hurt, and I get that. I’m only comfortable when I’m high and I’m starting to understand why she doesn’t like that. I’ve started realizing I have emotional flashbacks, with full physical reactions like flinching or shaking or feeling like I’m there again. I fell down the stairs (to pick up my mom, who was pissed, so she’s been feeling guilty. lol) a few weeks ago, spraining my ankle, and am terrified and get jump scares about stairs lol. So it’s been triggering a lot I guess.

I didn’t even know that was what was happening until I started reading other posts on reddit. I thought I didn’t have PTSD “bad enough” because I didn’t look like what you see on TV. But I do. I’m seeing it now. I realize how much of my life I spent dissociated.

I don’t know. I guess I just needed to write it out. I feel stuck, frozen in time. Like my life paused years ago and I’m just now opening my eyes. I keep saying I’ll move out someday, but the truth is I don’t know how. It doesn’t feel like there’s a clean way to leave. I don’t want to hurt my mom, and I don’t want my brother to suffer like I did, I don’t want him to become like me. But I don’t know how to breathe anymore. I want a life that feels like mine. I want to unstick myself. I want to stop surviving and start living. And I’m trying now, trying therapy, but godddd healing feels slow.

Thank you for reading if you did. This felt like a lot, and I don’t even know what I’m asking for. I guess just to not feel alone.

I was doing some Shadow Work today, following this guide:
https://scottjeffrey.com/shadow-work/ The first question was "What did I have an emotional reaction to today?" and my reply was that someone was being inattentive.

This was kind of a light bulb moment, I've stopped talking to my psychiatrist for the same reason, and I've ended so many relationships because I've felt neglected.

My mother was a passive-negligent caretaker. What do I do now? How do I work with this?

I’ve been wondering if I’m just too broken for relationships. I’ve spent most of my life struggling to form connections—romantic, platonic, even familial. My family was dysfunctional from the start, and with friend things got harder around adolescence when everyone started pairing off. I’ve had friends off and on, but many male friends turned out to have ulterior motives or disappeared once they got partners who objected. Female friendships often faded when romantic relationships took priority. I’m always more attached than the other person. The few close connections I’ve had ended in betrayal.

I’ve been in therapy on and off since elementary school. I have CPTSD—abuse, abandonment, multiple traumas. It’s heavy, and I know it can be uncomfortable for others to sit with. I’ve worked hard because I used to be so angry, reactive, and constantly in a state of terror, always waiting for the next bad thing to happen. It didn’t feel good, and I didn’t want to live like that—or hurt anyone else. But I’m so tired of endlessly trying to fix myself, especially when I see people with harmful behavior still being chosen—by friends, by partners—while I remain alone.

I recently let go of some friendships that weren’t actually fulfilling, but now I’m even more isolated. I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. Love has never really been safe for me. The only time I felt it might’ve been was with my grandma, who died when I was 7. My parents hid her illness from me and sedated me after she passed because my mom couldn’t handle my emotions.

Now I’m stuck in this limbo—tired of being alone, but also tired of being hurt. I like who I am. I travel alone, take classes, enjoy my work and hobbies. I even like the way I look. But none of it feels good anymore without someone to share it with. Outside of work, I can go months without a real conversation. I wonder if my independence makes people assume I don’t need connection, but I do. I crave quality time. I just don’t know what else to try.

I’ve recently been diagnosed ADHD (which explains a lot) and I’m most likely autistic too. I have a question for other neurodivergent individuals as it pertains to the qualities of the conditions e.g. routines, obsessive hobbies, collections, hyperfocus etc.

Basically when I was a young child I was SA which led to what can only be described as the disintegration of my identity and internalisation of guilt and shame. Prior to this my bedroom was full of toys, glow in the dark stars, decorated blue (blue everything), animal wallpaper (dolphins and sharks, I was obsessed with sea life) and football players.

After the SA I tore everything down and no longer could attain any satisfaction from my once former interests that brought me great joy and was life enhancing. I stopped all my hobbies and basically shutdown. My self went into hiding and I basically lost all interest in life and dissociated my way through everyday activities and just pretended to be okay as it brought me great anxiety to think of facing the possible potentialities if/had people paid close attention to me and discover what had happened to me and what that would mean for me and those close to me (e.g. family being arrested, not being believed and punished by others, the fear of further abuse etc).

During this shutdown I didn’t feel alive at all and I’d say I never have to the same degree since. I would say since this recent diagnosis of ADHD I’m rediscovering myself again as I am remembering my childhood. The issue is I’m not a child anymore so it feels weird to embrace this child part of me which is where I feel a lot of my neurodivergent behaviours stem from (there’s an eccentric, free-child and excitatory energy in this child part of me which also is where a lot of life giving properties exists such as creativity, curiosity and passion).

Question; Did you have a similar shutdown experience? And if so (or not) did you then find yourself as an adult being drawn to connecting with your neurodivergent self and fully embracing yourself again VS shying away, hiding and/or denying your self authentic expression? As there’s a degree of vulnerability in that and a risk of being rejected, or made to feel guilty/shamed.

I’d really like to hear your experiences if you can relate, I’m trying to make sense of where I now am since the diagnosis and as to whether delving more into my embracing my child self is the way to go. Thanks.

I have finally started therapy and I know that it will be incredibly helpful and that I really need it, yet I can’t help thinking that I don’t deserve being there. I know it’s really common for us to downplay our trauma but I don’t know what to do about the noise. My brain keeps telling me to be ashamed because I’m being “so dramatic” and that everyone deserves to be in therapy but me. How do I stop these thoughts before I stop going to therapy?

i don't know what's wrong with me it's just a dress why do i feel like this why am i so needy

my graduation is coming up and we looked for a dress and i saw the one i wanted and one that was kinda meh. fast forward, i got the meh one because i felt like my mom was so tired already and i felt bad for the people selling the dress as they already put in the efofrt to look for my size so i ended up gwtting it. my mom knows i sont likw it and shes stressed now and i hatw that i caused that

and then she told me she shouldnt havr come with me and she wont come with me anymore next time

i feel so bad why am i so needy why did i need that dress and why did i need my mom with me and why cant i just accept tgat i got the one that i didnt want and just be grateful that i even got a dress and that my mom went with me even if its her day off and shes supposed to be resting but i instead caysed her stress

i keep forgstting to make myself small and need less things so that its easier for everyone else around me i hate myself for needinh things

Does anyone else ever wake up just in a full blown panic attack l, but no panic just the physical symptomss? My bf slept over last night (happens all the time) and this morning I woke up like I was in the middle of an attack but no mental symptoms only the physical.

I can't seem to get my body out of the flight/fight mode. Got the edgy shakes, twitchy tight muscles going on. Had to get out of bed and get dressed just to fight back the edge of it, felt exposed and valuable

Fuck this feels like some bull shit

How do you do it?

I'll be in my 40s by the time the decade is over and starting to wonder if it's worth sticking around for the remaining 30+ years. After being diagnosed ADHD on top of autism, chronic fatigue as a result of both, and a heap of failed relationships that have left me scarred and bitter, I'm tasked with somehow becoming self-reliant. Self loving.

How do you do this alone? With a handful of acquaintances? No real connection? No emotional intimacy? No one would miss me if I was gone and... that's it? That's my life?

I feel like I want to say "I can't do this by myself." But I don't, even though its the truth, because I'm too old to need the kind of loving support that I didn't have as a child. You're supposed to have that taken care of by now, right? What do you mean you can't look after yourself? So I just appear brave... wouldn't want to make people feel uncomfortable now, would I?