At some point we look back when we are on the journey of healing, we come to the what ifs, what could have happened. What if we were never traumatized? We don't realize that we are creating a fictitious version of ourselves, we think of them as the perfect version of ourselves or the better version. This version of yourself is an illusion, it's not real and can never exist. We are the strongest version of ourselves, we are warriors who survived something no child should ever be put through even if we think of it as a small hiccup. Each experience is different and each pain is unique. But don't forget it made you a strong human being. If you ask someone who knew you for years, knows exactly what you been through, who the strongest person they know is it would be you.

I myself started to think I was broken, worthless, weak. I realized I was just different because of being forged through fire. Refined in a way. If I was anything like I thought I was, I would of gotten nowhere and wouldn't of realized there was a problem.

I know I was molested as a child but is there any way a doctor could determine if I had been raped 20+ years later by examining me? I never told anyone this

I’m using Politics instead of Question as this post is political and I know many want to stay away from that.

I always said that when I thought it was time, I would come out and tell my story. In full.

And with everything that is happening now, with the funding cuts, the dismantling of the Department of Education and the terrifying thought of having special education funding turned back to the states, that I would tell my experience of what it was like to be a medically complex, disabled child in self-contained special education, and how it has affected me as a severely traumatized, still medically complex, severely mentally ill adult.

It was abusive - psychologically, emotionally, and mentally. The neglect and the violence. The bullying that was more often than not child abuse, the “restraining”, the isolation. The abusive doctors, the traumatic experiences that were “therapy”, the torture I experienced at the hands of professionals assigned to “help” me.

I don’t know if blogging is still a thing. I know that if I told my story, I’d have to be very careful.

I just wonder if anyone else has, and how.

I would love advice on dealing with this. I still have to live with these people!

Messages with my sperm donor today.

So, I am gonna try to keep this short but about my hair. I , I’ll just go with J , am 20F dad is 43?M grandma/ well my mom is 65F

My hair has always been an issue. Starting with camp when I was 13/14? The summer before 8th grade getting it cut. I always wanted short hair since I was little since my family and alcoholic uncle who used to live with me and my mom when I was 3-6 and abuse me (her son) would use it to yank me around and hold me down when drunk. After being bullied and jumped by bullies tormented in middle school using my hair to hold me down it had been finalized I wanted the sh it gone. I went for it and cut it at camp which was yes an event where we went to a salon day and parents had signed off on it. They even told me they called my parents and lied that they said it was ok when I started getting anxious about it. Long story short my mother/grandmother lost it harrasing the camp so bad I got banned and cried trying to hide it from me the entire 5 hour plane ride and the whole way home. My dad lost it shouting and hitting stuff and yelling at us the next day when he saw it after we went in the morning to get it fixed. He then said to me in private “you need extentions or something” and “congratulations you’ve made yourself look even bigger now” and “I could say look for the girl with long hair before but now I’ll have to say look for the fat kid” if he ever lost me. Saying since I was 10 they made me keep it long to hide me. I didn’t cut it til prom. I was F18 he was M40? And I texted him after saying don’t freak out it’s short. I thought a heads up would help so I didn’t have to see what he did. He then messaged back angrily as I was getting my shoes inside and slammed the garage open rushing over to find us. I turned around to grab something on the staircase and he lost it on me screaming what the f! Why would you let her! To my mom and went slamming the door as he ran out to the garage and we just heard stuff shattering of his artwork and rv cars he works on. Wouldn’t look at me that night and refused to see me. Not even my graduation about a month ish later did he see me that night either. Now today , after he was in the same room not paying attention when I made the hair appointment is mad again today. This is our convo while I was at the salon. After I got home he just said “what the f” and “Noo!” Repeating it going to his room in my grandmas house. My bf who now lives with us since 2023 saying after him “she looks good!” Trying to help. He then went downstairs and I went asking him at least what he thought of the new color and he wouldn’t look at me saying you know it’s not about the color dismissive. My grandma mom’s only reaction was just a text saying ok to the photo and for her that seems angry. Very long story aside.

TLDR: my family is obsessed with my hair and have been for a long time. I went to change it completely today and is this a normal convo for a dad and daughter to have when she is an adult about her changing her hair? I need to know I am not alone or that I’m not crazy, pls Reddit. I will say I cut a lot. About lower back butt to shoulder. So I understand it’s a change.

Me and my therapist were talking and i opened up about something that happened from my childhood. But when i told it i immediately got really emotional even though i hadn't remembered it before. Did i lie about the trauma uncounsiously? Did my brain just forget it and thats why i feel odd or what? But then again it feels odd that something that i'm lying about brings me that strong of an reaction. Cause now i feel bad, what if i lied?

Only needs grass, has its own house, longevity... no-one gets to have leverage over it as its needs are easy to meet. I hate the human body - so needy, so demanding - food, clothes, shelter, medication... things society gets to leverage me with.

My life is far from being perfect but I was able to get my license, get my own car, get back into schooling, move out and have my own place, and heal and improve my physical health… but when it comes to things that require being more social it feels as if it’s taking forever. I’ve been working on healing from my very abusive childhood and dysfunctional family for 8 years. Im 23 now. I still don’t have stable employment, a support system (outside of therapy & other services)/chosen family/friends, and I’ve never been in a relationship. It’s taking so much longer than everything else I’ve accomplished. As time goes by I worry that I’ll never be able to achieve it. I give myself grace and try to not compare my life or my journey to others, but it’s still so difficult. Those are things I really want for myself and it’s also things that are somewhat essential to life.

You were resilient when you shouldn't of had to be. Their shame isn't yours to carry. Have a good day.

I've been feeling so lonely for the past couple of days. And sometimes I find checking into this community every now and then makes me feel like I'm not so alone. But cyberspace apart, I really crave for human companionship. It's so hard being an Indian man to find caring and nurturing romantic partners or even friends. Being sensitive or not the traditional manly man also doesn't seem to appeal to the general dating pool. I've been lucky to have enjoyed some warm romantic relationships when I was younger, but I never knew CPTSD was a thing that nagged and ripped apart those relationships because of my inability to feel safe and open to recieving love. And now as a 30 something adult, being single and seeing my friends get married and build homes has just been making me feel that much more alone :(

I just wanted to rant because it hurts so much. I should've been loved and showered with affection as a child. My parents neglected me so much, and I've done a lot of work to understand that they care for me, but they just don't have the tools and awareness to be able to love. They were neglected by their parents too and struggled quite a lot to help bring me up. But now as an adult, things feel scary. They're growing old, I feel like I have no one to lean on. These wounds of neglect make me feel anxious all the time. Self hugs don't work and the whole self soothing only gets so far. I'm ambitious and I'm creatively inclined, but the moment I have stressors come my way, it takes so much time to compose myself and a whole lot of effort to stop the anxieties popping up. Regulating is a whole different problem altogether.

My ex must've had cptsd too, or some trauma but she was the kindest. She was able to love deeply and created a space for me despite me being skeptical and not finding a way to trust her. And this inability to trust or for us to work things out strained the relationship. I hate this disgusting casteist and religious culture in India. From the outset we decided to call it a "short term" thing, because we were from different communities. But that stressed us out a lot once we started liking each other a lot and considering future potential. I finally told her I'd want this for the future. But she just couldn't get herself to think beyond a few months. It was very intense for me to navigate that space because I didn't know who else to lean on to for support including her. This was all before I took therapy. But this brought the end to the most beautiful thing I had. I worked through therapy and found the courage to reach out to her. To work on things again. She gave it a shot but then she said I triggered her a lot and she ended things. A few months later while changing cities I tried to reach out to her again, to try and work on things. She obliged but she only reiterated how we won't work. I moved cities. And now on occasions she texts me, and I feel awful. I'm too afraid to ask her why, because I know she'll say something kind and just reiterate how she considers me as someone important or something empty like that and I'm afraid it'll end this sparse connection. But honestly I think I made a mental note when I moved, to close that door. But I feel do deprived that these bread crumbs seem so nice. I feel sad that I tried so much, to work on myself, to be a better person, and she just didn't see it as something worth considering. And now, these random texts, for what? I don't believe in blocking, because I love to think that she is hurt too, just like me. And this is her way of figuring it out. But while I try to be this person, I just get reminded of how sad and lonely I've been lately.

I've had friends who've cared for me, but it's just not enough :( the last time a friend hugged me, I cried so much. And since then I've not been touched or loved. And it's so hard to be honest and open about that, because most people think that I'm weird. I still do it though, because I've had enough of hiding in the shadows. But having said that, most of my time is still spent worrying and feeling scared. I have another family member who was a child of neglect that I deeply care about. But they learn so heavily on me and it's so hard to be brave for them.

Which is why, whenever people ask me, "how are you?" It triggers such a deep response from me. Because I really don't know what else to say. If I say I'm good, it's a lie. If I talk about my issues, they are so deep, that they are probably not the ones who can even help me there. And sometimes it's so stressing because random strangers might ask me the same thing, and it makes me feel so sad. Because I understand that they are following a social script of general nicesities. But it just makes me feel so hollow and reminds me of hundred different times I was neglected.

I just wish I'd find someway to feel better and this time at least, for a long time to come?

My parents were fine, I know I'm lucky in that way. But my ex was emotionally abusive and long after breaking up he won't leave me along. Tries to get full custody and keep me from seeing daughter. Family court was even more traumatizing. Now I'm financially ruined, emotionally a mess and rarely see my daughter. I don't have any other family anymore.

I wake up every morning with a major anxiety attack. Apparently a high cortisol spike every morning, followed by despair. I don't know what to do.

I have a therapist, anxiety medication from my doctor and even a case manager from a state organization.

But it doesn't help much. Doesn't change the pain of not seeing my daughter or the fear of him involving family court again. I can no longer afford an attorney. Can barely function enough to work.

Any suggestions? It would help if my morning cortisol wasn't so bad, because late in the day when it goes back down I can start to feel a little productive again.

Thanks for your time!

Two years ago, when I was 17, my sister (who was 15 at the time) beat me horrifically. My jaw was hanging off of my face, and was completely dislocated. I was vomiting blood. My ribs were broken. I had a concussion. I was the most scared I had ever been in my life. Previous to that, she had hit me and emotionally abused me for years. When I called my mom for help, she drove me to Walmart. Begged me to just sleep on my injuries, telling me injuries weren't that severe. When she inevitably did take me to the hospital, she screamed at me how I was ruining our family, our lives. How, because of me, both her and my sister would be imprisoned.

My jaw has to be surgically put back into place. My injuries were so bad, I will have to walk with a cane for the rest of my life. And my sister never had consequences. She didn't even feel guilt for what she did. She has hit me multiple times after, as I had to continue living with her afterwards. She continued to emotionally abused me. And nobody in my family cares. They found the topic awkward, and pushed it under the rug whenever I begged for help.

Now, I'm in college. I have been living in the dorms, in constant misery from my PTSD. Nothing helps. And I am completely alone in this world. Coming onto breaks, I have to leave the dorms back home. During summer break, I was reluctantly planning to move in with my mom at her new place. The very second I stepped foot into the building, my sister berated me. Telling me I wouldn't be allowed to cook, because everything I make is disgusting. Telling me I can't sing, something I love to do, because it annoys her. And telling me I can't even put my soap in the shower. My very presence, my very being, was not welcome. And my mom watched her say these things and didn't say a single word. On the car ride back to my dorm, my sister screamed at me so loudly.

Now, I feel in no way I can live in that house. I don't feel safe, living with this person who hurt me so deeply, and this other person who will just watch. I have nowhere else to go, I only have $40 in my bank account. I do not even have a car. I am terrified, and I don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

I have tried certain medication I don’t remember the name. I just know it was also for blood pressure, I have tried medical cannabis and I’ve tried journaling and it’s been really bad recently. What are y’all’s best tips for nightmares? I’ll take anything at this point.

So, i have been having sexual intrusive thoughts that would make me go crazy. Like CRAZY crazy.

Sometimes they’re even so bad that they would get triggered by my daydreams

TMI: these daydreams are mostly sensual and would mostly include cuddles and kisses. Theyre pretty nice, and sometimes it would also give me….arousal, but i dont really mind it. But anytime this happens, it triggers my intrusive sexual thoughts and it ruins the vibe yk. I dont really like it when it does that. It mostly makes me feel uncomfortable or even disgusted ( sometimes even feeling pale ).

Bc of that i stopped daydreaming bc these thoughts makes me uncomfortable.

And it also does this when i find ppl pretty. So like, anytime i see someone pretty, i would go ‘’ omg they are someone pretty! ‘’. But then my mind would start to doubt like crazy saying ‘m it means you wanna have sex with them ‘’ or ‘m you know you wanna do some sexual things with them. Thats what you do when you find someone pretty. You just dont to it bc you are sexually shaming yourself ‘’.

These thoughts would scare me and i would be absolutely terrified that they were true ( which they were ). I would try to ask myself if i really want it, but the answers were always ‘’ no ‘’. But i was so scared to admit it bc i was scared that im just denying it by saying that.

And ik what ur thinking ‘’ hey, its ok! You shouldn’t shame youself for having sexual thoughts. Its normal, everyone does that ‘’

No shit Sherlock. Ppl kept telling me that as if i dont know that. Whats next, ur gonna tell me that water is wet???

Like YES, ik that having sexual thoughts are normal. I never said that having them is bad or ‘’ wrong ‘’. I just don’t like them, and usually find it disturbing imo ( Im sex-repulsed ). But idc if ppl like them. If they do, i wont do anything abt it. Its not my problem

Also, im not exactly ashamed of these thought. I just feel uncomfortable and mostly disgusted by them. I dont shame myself abt these thought bc THEY POP OUT OF NOWHERE. I dont think abt it intentionally. And they are a pain in the ass.

I dont ‘’ intentionally ‘’ think abt it and go ‘’ omg why did you think abt it?? Its bad, you should be ashamed ‘’. Its more of a ‘’ BRO WTF, ew… well i did not enjoy that ‘’ And yeah…

So i went searching and seeking reassurance. But then i decided to post it on r/self. Someone dm me and then finally confirmed me that i was indeed sexually shaming myself and that it was not ocd. After finding it out, ngl i got triggered and terrified bc yk…this was what i feared the most in my life. But i am happy, im happy to find out the truth.

This kinda feels weird, bc of the fact that i have been lied to for years ( even my therapist. They also kept telling me that it might be the identity crisis giving me those thoughts. But i have found out that she was actually not good at doing her job )

Ppl always convinced me that it was ocd, but it always felted wrong. As if it wasnt that. But i finally know why, its bc i DON’T HAVE IT.

Its a bit scary to see that you turned into something that you don’t want. But sometimes, your mind is right. And idk what to do really lol. Its very weird.

Im gonna get a new therapist to help me out with that. And i might need to force myself to like sex or to have sexual attraction. That might help me get rid of that. Thank you for listening!

Also trigger warning for a mention of suicidal ideation and child abuse.

I feel like I’m forgetting something my body remembers. I was admitted to a mental institution for suicidal ideation for a week when I was like 14-15. I have no memory of anything that happened inside those walls. Like, at least with my childhood abuse I can remember some of it, but my brain’s completely erased the mental hospital from my memory. I get frequent flashbacks and when I break down I start begging the nearest person to not send me back. Something clearly happened there that I can’t remember. The reason why I put the CSA tag on this post is that I think it has to do with something sexual. I think I was assaulted or something there. Ever since I left I’ve been jumpy and hypersexual and a whole plethora of other stuff. I’m not asking for a diagnosis or anything, I’m just really confused and I don’t know where else to go with this. I tried to push past the mental barrier and all I got in return was throwing up and my legs giving out, so whatever happened my body really doesn’t want me remembering. I guess I want advice? Or I guess I wanna see if my suspicion is valid? I don’t know, this is my first time posting anywhere. Sorry!

Tldr: I heavily suspect that something sexually traumatic in nature happened to me while I was institutionalized but I can’t remember anything.

"The Justice You Hold"

I wait for a sign,
some proof that I mattered—
but the silence echoes back
in the spaces I wanted answers.

The world doesn’t always see us,
doesn’t always honor the hurt,
doesn’t always speak the truth
when we stand in our rawness.

The voices that put us down,
the hands that pushed us aside,
the cold indifference
from the ones who should have cared—
they carve their marks on our skin,
but they cannot write the story
of who we are.

In the quiet,
I find the courage to say:
You will not define me.
Your cruelty is not my reflection.
Your silence is not my shame.

I claim my worth,
not in your hands,
but in my own.
Not in the words I hoped you’d speak,
but in the truth I already know.

The justice I hold
is not a loud, public vindication—
it is the quiet, steady flame
that rises inside me,
even when the world pretends to look away.

It is in the moments of stillness,
when I breathe and know,
without needing the world to agree:
I am worthy of respect.
I am worthy of love.
I am worthy of peace.

You may try to diminish me,
but you cannot take what I’ve learned—
the strength of my soul,
the depth of my voice,
the warmth of my heart.

I am not defined by your rejection.
I am not destroyed by your disregard.
I am more than the silences,
the insults,
the moments I was unseen.

In the places where I was overlooked,
I plant the seeds of my own justice—
and with every step I take,
I grow.

I no longer need your approval
to feel whole.
I do not need your apology
to know I am worthy.
The justice I hold
is a quiet revolution,
a steady, unshakable truth
that lives in me,
whether you see it or not.

Hi, I have had a rocky relationship with my girlfriend.

We have our differences but she is the insecure naggy type. One time I counted the amount of times she complained about something in one day, it was 17 and I wasn't home half the day.

She does care about me and love me and we do have our good moments, but I can't keep getting triggered literally every day.

When she complains she usually gets in my face and won't leave even if I beg her to. She'll be 1 foot from my face telling me she won't leave until we discuss it and I apologize. I would estimate she triggers my PTSD an average of 8 times a week, with one of those being a full blown panic attack.

We've broken up twice and she's very controlling. We live together so there's little to no escape and when I leave for a few hours to hang out with friends it usually leads to a confrontation when I return.

Wellllll, she's 5 months pregnant after telling me she had a 0% chance of pregnancy I wasn't allowed to have a voice on wether we should keep the baby. So I feel like I have to stay for the child. I can't afford an apartment on my own because I live in a very very expensive city so if I leave I will have to move 2000 miles away back with my parents and I'd rarely see the kid. If she wasn't pregnant I probably wouldn't be here

Question is, can this be reconciled? What is your advice? I'm willing to put up with a little bit of bs for the child but I don't know if I'll ever recover if I keep getting triggered every day

If I show I’m self aware, maybe you won’t make me feel small.

If I explain it right, maybe I’ll finally be understood and safe.

Does this happen to us all or is it just me?

I seem to go through spurts of nightmares for weeks, and then they stop and then don't have any for weeks.

Also my nightmares are not always about my trauma?

Just curious.

TLDR: What terrifies me is something along the lines of "please don't tell me about yourself, I don't want to know you". But in a, not like disgusted way, but in a "I'm suffering because you are pretending to be someone, I shouldn't be the one who has to pretend to care about you" But I would like to put it into proper words what this fear is of.

After 5 years of weekly therapy, and focusing exclusively on getting better there's still one thing that I just can't crack.

I cannot show myself to my friends and even less to people I don't fully know. It's all a performance where I show nothing of myself. As I'm sure it's a very common thing ofc.

Whenever I do try to tell something about myself I do so in a way that prevents further conversation. And that results of course in people simply not ever being interested in me.

It's, sickening however that even doing that is an incredible effort, yet it never works. All because I'm never truly open, I can't bear it. And I know what it isn't though, which is not to be insulted or made fun of, don't care about others who just want me to feel bad.

What terrifies me is something along the lines of "please don't tell me about yourself, I don't want to know you". But in a, not like disgusted way, but in a "I'm suffering because you are pretending to be someone, I shouldn't be the one who has to pretend to care about you"

I cannot express this in a better way, and it would really help out to understand it. It's surprisingly limiting me in so many MANY ways as it physically hurts and forces me to numb myself from just being unable to actually live properly.

I'd appreciate any help with this topic <3

I can stand for a time :) I can stop.

Last 2-3 weeks (or maybe more or less idk) i feel so many emotions. Today, i have almost yelled while i was crying. Pain in my belly feels like pain, not suffering. Before, the muscles in my stomach would tense up; now they don’t anymore. The pain feels more 'inside' now. And yes, it’s a pain that’s very hard to endure.

I feel pain so badly, and yes, i am glad to feel something. It hurts so much that my stomach has gone numb. But honestly, I'm truly glad I'm not in torment anymore. The inability to feel pain—that's the worst.

Last week—or maybe the one before that—I cried for an entire week. Nonstop. Truly. I woke up, cried, ate a little, cried, and went back to sleep. That’s how my whole week went.

And what started all of this was that, for the first time in a long while, I wanted to watch a movie. I watched All of Us Strangers. After finishing it, the crying began—uncontrollable, unstoppable—for a week. I’m still crying. My stomach is still numb.

And I never thought I’d say this… but I’m okay with it. I’m even grateful.

My dear body…

Hi, I’ve had this super toxic situationship, and I’m so lost. It’s messed with my mind so badly. I think I crave the toxicity of being with him. But I'm not sure if I want the relationship. I am addicted, I think, to the chase and never knowing if I have him or not, but when I do have him, I lose all interest. (Toxicity as in him yelling at me, telling me everything he hates about me, implying I should have sex with him but that it should be my choice then getting mad when I don’t want to). I don’t know why I keep going back to him.

I don’t know. For further context, I grew up watching my mother stay in an abusive relationship that she is still tied into because of financial and cultural issues. And I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD from some of the things my dad did to me as a child.

I'm honestly feeling lost and scared. This is a consistent theme in my life, and I haven't been in a relationship because I noticed that when we enter relationship territory, I lose all interest completely and get the “ick” over thinking about them. I'm exhausted of feeling like this, and I do have therapists and doctors, but I have never felt comfortable explaining this to them.

I'm reaching out because I’ve been struggling with a traumatic experience that I’m trying to process, and I’m wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar.

In 2017, my best friend and I were at a party at our close friend’s house. Unfortunately, things took a dark turn. Long story short, the "friend" drugged us, and we were both abused. We didn’t remember anything until last year, when the memories started coming back.

Later on, we found out that the whole family was involved in the abuse, and we now believe it was planned. My best friend and I have come to think that the abuser may have ordered us to do things to each other. It’s been a lot to process, and I’m struggling with the reality of what happened.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? If so, how did you cope or start healing? I’m not looking for advice, just wondering if others have gone through something similar.

Thanks for listening.

Hi all,

I'm wondering how many folks are struggling with friends who are demanding accountability without knowing or taking into account the healing process?

Backstory: I'm pretty recently starting to try to dissociate less and pay less attention to intrusive thoughts. Some feedback I got from a friend/coworker recently is that I don't interact with people often enough and I'm perceived as 'cold and unfeeling'.

I had a pretty strong reaction to this because as a kid it was always perceived that no matter what I did I had negative intention (cue trigger). My reaction to my friend/coworker was over the top and I admitted that but they're now demanding that I take ownership for 'making them think that I have negative intention' because of past vent sessions/bouts of being triggered.

This really feels like a trap that's hard to get out of (self fulfilling prophecy). I'm going back and forth pretty hard on whether or not it's beneficial to keep this person as a friend. I asked them if they could forgive and forget a bit and let me know when I'm doing something that upsets them but they said they 'can't forget and that I'm putting too much pressure on them to change the situation.' They have asked for a month of space with limited communication because they can't emotionally handle talking to me with everything going on in their life. Anyone have any thoughts? Have you encountered this as you're trying to heal and go through the process? I'm trying hard but I think I'm fawning at this point and trying to accelerate something that is a long process where I need supportive and understanding folks around me. Thanks!

Im trying to understand why Im easily repulsed by clingy, dependent people and Ive reached a few possible explanations, wondering if anyone will relate:

1. The person who traumatized me most was needy. They remind me I was a child tending to the needs of an adult, as a consequence never having my own needs listened to, feeling responsible for this persons emotions
2. they feel unsafe. Their desire to know me is scary because it always ends in hurt or being used if I do open up.
3. It disgusts me because it reminds me of the self ive buried. Deep down I want love and understanding so bad, and heres this person begging for it from me when Im so empty. How do they not feel ashamed when I feel so ashamed asking for anything?

Mostly Im disgusted by clingy people because I see them as people who will use me as a machine for attention while never seeing me as a person, and eventually they will discard me when I can no longer serve that purpose

i was sexually abused by a male relative throughout my childhood. he was killed last year. i am coming up on the anniversary, and i want to figure out a way to honor that day for myself.

i’ve already requested off work. i plan to go be outdoors and to write two letters. one to him, and one to the version of myself that experienced that. i want to write them, then speak them out loud into the world.

i guess i want to do something else too. maybe bring a favorite tree dessert or color or something. something that allows the inner child in me to come out a little. does anyone have any other ideas that might be a good way to have a date with my inner child?